Just wondering...surprise engagements

Online Users: 1,288 guest(s), 5 user(s). Replies: 22


We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 16, 2008 10:45 AM

OK, not to start anything, but I've been reading a lot of threads where the OP and several other ladies on here are frustrated that their BFs aren't proposing.  I understand when sometimes you're in a long relationship and you're at that point in your life when you want to start your family, etc etc.  So I can see that, sometimes the guy just has no motivation to propose because he's so settled with their relationship.  Most guys don't see anything changing either way so they aren't going to make the move.  If thats the case...why don't you just make the move?

I guess I just don't understand that when there are other huge factors involved, particularly for younger couples who are still in school, why some have seemingly made it a priority to get engaged right away.  Maybe its just me and where I had my priorities when I was in school, but it just kind of confuses me.

Am I seriously the ONLY one who got the super surprise of my life when I got engaged? Not only did I not know when it was coming, I did not expect it, nor did I want him to propose at the time he did. 

Don't get me wrong, I definitly could not wait for the day and had dreamt about how he might do it.  When the day came, I was freaking out (in a good way) when it clicked as to what he was up to. 

I'm really just wondering what most people think here.  Or if I'm the only one that really did not see my engagement coming when it did.


**I love him like a fat kid loves cake**  Kiss

**It just hit me that in 4 months, I will become the Mrs. to my Mr.**

 

Reply


lurimaya Posts : 8 Registered: 5/16/08
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 16, 2008 9:32 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

You're not the only one!  Mine was a huge surprise and everyone knew before I did I was going to get proposed to...

We're been living together for 4 years and have a child together (he is 2.5yrs old) and I was happy with the status of things and loved our life together...  Did not need the ring or ceremony or anything cos we're so committed to each other and our child...  We're like a married couple sans papers...

So last friday when he proposed in front of everyone we know in Sydney - it was a HUGE surprise, totally unexpected but brilliant all the same!!

So from being sooo not interested in wedding planning - its all I'm into now...Laughing


Forza Ferrari!

Message was edited by: lurimaya

Reply


Tabetha9286 Posts : 90 Registered: 5/6/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 16, 2008 10:41 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

Sadly - I TOTALLY saw mine comming a million miles away. We'd talked about it a long time before hand, and he came home from out of state one weekend (bout a month before he proposed). We went to look at  rings... week after he left (he works out of state) I found the ring box hidden underneath the passenger seat of my car.

then he randomly came home one weekend, we went out for a day and i could SO tell he was trying to find the courage to do it lol - took him the whole day to finally get down on one knee lol! it was cute though.

Reply

HamiltonBride Posts : 140 Registered: 7/30/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 16, 2008 11:22 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

I have a hard time accepting that the surprise proposal is a good thing. Doesn't it seem to anyone else like it puts women in a position of being passive, waiting to be 'chosen', validate, deemed worthy of marriage by some man? It's 2008! Granted, I tend to not be in line with lots of apparently normal practices - I also think living together before proposal/marriage to 'see if it will work' is a dangerous mindset that leads to weaker, more immature marriages so clearly I'm not on board with lots of commonly held ideas. 

Honestly, if surprise proposals are your thing and it makes you happy go for it, I just don't understand at all, it seems like such a bad idea to me.  

Please feel free to disagree/explain your thought process. I am so interested in knowing how this works for other women.  

Reply

EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 16, 2008 11:31 PM Go to message in response to: Tabetha9286

Thank you for starting this interesting thread.  I think a surprise engagement may be wonderful for some couples and not so healthy for others. 

What I'm thinking of, in the not-so-healthy category, is my first engagement.  It was a total surprise when my BF asked me to marry him . . . which he did by asking "What do you think about our future?"  I said, "Um, I dunno" and he said, "Well, I think we should get married."  Totally out of the blue.  Of course I said yes, I liked him well enough, we went to the same church, our parents approved of us dating, I was 19 and thought getting married was like going to heaven. 

However, he didn't present me with a ring and didn't give me any clues as to when I was going to get one.  This developed into kind of a control issue, and control became a recurring theme in our relationship.  Eventually, about 6 mos after he proposed, he gave me my e-ring, again as a surprise.  I had not been given any chance to help choose it, and truthfully I didn't like it, it wasn't my style.  So that's my example of a surprise engagement in a relationship that really wasn't a good one. 

Why did I go through with marrying him?  There was no good reason not to.  He was a nice guy and a solid citizen, our parents approved, and even if I wasn't head over heels in love with him, he certainly hadn't done anything horrible enough to deserve breaking the engagement.  Well, except that he made me go to premarital counseling by myself, LOL.  The sessions were at a certain time in the evenings, and he "had to work" (i.e., got his boss to assign him to work those nights so that he couldn't go).  I'll never quite forgive our pastor for letting him get away with that, LOL.

Unfortunately, it got worse.  We really didn't have much in common, and once we were married our values and priorities clashed more and more.  I'd been brought up to believe that divorce was out of the question, but guess what, I was surprised again.  The marriage only lasted a couple of years, and the heartache of that divorce was unspeakable.

Looking at that surprise engagement and comparing it with the other times I've been engaged, I guess the key difference is that I was deeply committed and sure that I wanted to be proposed to in the other cases.  With that first engagement, I decided to be happy with him and make the commitment because he asked me, not because I felt that way about him on my own.

 


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

Reply
Guest
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 17, 2008 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

Okay, this is my second time around. My first was sno surprise and if I would have listened to the signs I would not have gone through the 5  years of he** I did. After my divorce I was dead set against getting married again, and so was my boyfriend at the time. In fact thta was one of the reasons we got together, because we both had the same idea of a relationship. Of course there were lots of other things as well, but that was a deciding factor for me. Well a few weeks ago my boyfriend took me by total surprise one night. He came to tell me good night before leaving for work like always, and he asked me to be his wife. After gettiing over the shock, I said yes. I already knew that I wanted to spend my life with him, but was content with our status as it was. We have 6 children between us, and live as a family already. He has helped me to overcome the issues I had after my divorce. My ex was abusive. And that was the main reason why I did not want to get married again. But I am so excited that we changed our minds, and he completly took me by surprise in a good way.

10 months 3 weeks 4 days until I am Mrs. Riordan, married to the man of my dreams

Reply


FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 17, 2008 10:10 PM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

We2Hearts I am not engaged yet, but I know that it is coming. My bf told me when he bought the ring, that he asked for my dads permission, and now that he has the ring in his posession. I didnt want to know any of it because I have no patience with things like this. So now for the last month or so I have been completely obsessed with all of this stuff. I dont know why my bf told me anything! I would have been better off clueless. But I honestly really dont care about the proposal. I dont need anything fancy or romantic. He knows that, but I think he still wants to plan something out.

Reply

Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 18, 2008 12:40 AM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

After dating my FH for 2.5 years, I got tired of us dancing around  the issue (and his family continuously asking me when exactly were we going to get engaged already), i actually asked FH to marry me.  He said "No.  It's not that I don't want to marry you, and I am going to marry you, but it's my job to ask"  I can't say that I was heartbroken, but it did hurt my pride.  We went on vacation a couple of months later and I was just sure he was going to ask me one night.  He brought our a pair of beautiful wine goblets, and raised his glass in a toast... "to us, one day when we get married, we will use these goblets to toast at the reception."  *SIGH*  Finally, the next month he asked me, very nonchalantly, if I would marry him, and by then I had resigned myself to our current status.  I was so suprised by his timing, that I made him ask me twice, just to make sure I heard him correctly and he wasn't just making another general statement.


Love2uKiss

Message was edited by: Love2u

Reply


coastiebride Posts : 1,365 Registered: 3/26/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 18, 2008 1:53 AM Go to message in response to: Love2u

Well i knew he was going to propse eventually. We talked about marriage on several occasions before hand about marriage, what we want out of life the usual. But i didn;t think it was going to happen over christmas. I thought he would of waited until april when he came back to Fl from deployment. So it was a surprise when he did it, i just knew he bought the ring and he was eventually going to propose, just not when. Which was fine by me, i dont like life altering changes without discussion before hand and then this way we knew we were both on the same page not only for the wedding but our marriage and what we both wanted out of life, each other, and us as a couple

 Lets not all get caught up in our wedding. Remember we should not only be planning for a our wedding but more so we should be planning for  our marriage. More so then fighting over shades of peach, tuxs, cake flavors and only god knows what else. Because the next morning it is over, guests are gone the flowers have died the cake well lets face it 1/2 of it was tossed out. Cinderella is still a maid, the limo is now a pumpkin And there is life to face ok after wild crazy monkey sex for 7 nights straight, lets not kid out selfs there are priorities After its all gone there's still bills to pay and a job to go back to

Going to the Chapel December 6th 2008

Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E

Reply


futuremrsmason Posts : 239 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 18, 2008 3:00 AM Go to message in response to: We2Heart

FH and I had been talking and praying about our decision, and whether it was the right move, and when. I knew it was coming, but I had NO idea when he would propose. And, I'll be honest, it was hard waiting.

I understand the soon to be-ers - when you know its coming, and the moment seems amazing, and nothing! Between the time I found out he had talked with my dad, I had Christmas, a Ballet (and he's a country boy who loves football, so I REALLY thought that was an obvious moment!), new years, my birthday, valentines day, etc. I thought he might do it on our one year anniv. (which he did, on our missions trip) but he had thrown me off by handing me a ring he had made and told me he wasn't proposing with  (key words here) "that ring on the trip"...
After we got back to the states, he gave me everything he had boughten that he thought might be cool to ask me to marry him with, personalized dove chocolates, taco bell sauces (its said "will you marry me"), etc - adorable!


Wedding Tickers and More From LifeTicker.com

AdorablePlanet.com movingannouncementstore.com

Reply


kroberts Posts : 443 Registered: 7/30/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 18, 2008 7:28 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsmason

I was COMPLETELY surprised! We had talked about our future before. I wasn't in a hurry to get married until after I graduated (college), I certainly wasn't expecting a proposal a few months before I graduated. Even at dinner when we're again talking about our future (it was Valentine's Day, so to me, it fit) Even as he began to babble and pulled out a small jewelry box I was oblivious. I said, "Is that my watch with a new battery?" When he opened the box and there was a ring, I didn't hear anything after that. I know I said, "Oh Shit! I need to think!"

I originally thought we'd at least look at rings together, but nope.


April 4, 2009 is the big day!

Reply


FinallyMrsF Posts : 285 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 18, 2008 8:45 PM Go to message in response to: kroberts

I was completely surprised! we had talked about getting married a few times and i saved ads with rings that i liked circled in them... then we went away for a night a day after our 2 year anniversary and he popped the question.. i was so shocked i asked him if he was kidding! then i said yes!

 

5 months and 1 week to go!

Reply

EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 19, 2008 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: FinallyMrsF

Dear HamiltonBride, 

I hear ya on the issue of why it has to be up to the man to propose.  This is 2008, and if a woman knows she wants to spend the rest of her life with a guy, why shouldn't she be the one to say, "Will you marry me?"?  I guess the problem in many cases is that if the guy felt equally strongly about it, he would have asked her.   So I'd be willing to bet the chances of a woman getting turned down are greater than those of a man who proposes.

Furthermore, research supports your view that "living together before proposal/marriage to 'see if it will work' is a dangerous mindset that leads to weaker, more immature marriages."  The divorce rate is higher for couples who lived together before marriage, contrary to the popular belief that cohabitation allows the couple to get to know each other better and perhaps weeds out couples who weren't cut out for each other.

Maybe the idea of a proposal is outdated altogether?  When my DH and I were dating, the commitment process was gradual, mutual, and discussed regularly.  This made me very happy.  It wasn't a matter of one person (the guy) taking control or one person (me) having to wait to be surprised.

It was a sweet little surprise, though, what then-FH did when we picked up my (mutually chosen) e-ring from the jeweler.  He drove down to the beach and we walked along the sand and he took the jewelry box out of his pocket, opened it and took my hand and said, "Will you accept this?"  Of course I said yes -- we had already set our wedding date about 3 mos previously -- and he put the ring on my finger.


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

Reply


FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 19, 2008 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I have to say I agree with proposals being out dated. I really dont care about it and I dont need anything fancy. I dont need anything at all! My bf and i already know we are going to get married. He already bought the ring and asked for permission. The other night I was telling him how I felt about proposals and how I would prefer him and I sitting on the couch then him going all out to ask me. He disagrees. I think mainly becuase I have 5 sisters and he feels like he needs to impress them or something. I dont know. It is driving me crazy how concerned he is with the whole proposal. I asked him what he would do if I proposed to him. He told me he would say no and then propose to me when I was least expecting it. There goes that idea!

Reply

EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Just wondering...surprise engagements
Posted: May 19, 2008 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: FinallyMrsS

That reminds me . . . I read in some "sex tips" book that a woman should never take a proposal seriously if the guy asks her when they're in bed.  I'm not asking anyone to reveal private secrets here, but would any of you ladies count that as a proposal, and would you accept?

"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine