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NWR: childless and feeling bad

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 3:17 PM

As Mother's Day approaches, I'm feeling a lot of sadness and just hoping some of you can give me a little support.  DH and I just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary and my mother had to choose that day to say the most devastating thing to me. 

I'm in my mid-50s and was never able to have a baby, never even had a positive pregnancy test.  My mother knows how infertility has cast a major shadow over my life, and she's one of those women for whom having babies is the ONLY important thing in life.  Now that I'm married to a wonderful, kind, loving gentleman who -- as it happens -- also has no children, I have been feeling truly happy and fulfilled for the first time in many years. 

So here I am on the phone with my mother and she says, "Your anniversary is coming up."  I said, "Yes, actually it's today!"  "Oh!" she says, "Today!  Well, I have some advice for you."  (she's laughing) "Don't get pregnant." 

WTF?  I just kind of said, "Uh-huh."  Then she said something about her wanting to make a little joke to get herself out of a bad mood and let go of her worries.  She knows perfectly well that this is about the most hurtful "joke" she could make about me.

Well, I got off the phone and didn't tell DH what she said, just said, "My mother said something very nasty to me."  Then 5 minutes later I see that he's reading the newsletter from our church, and it's a full-page Mother's Day article all about how being a mother makes you a better person, better Christian, the very embodiment of God's love on earth, etc.

Later on when we went to bed I just cried my eyes out.  I know the church didn't mean any harm by printing that article, and I know my mother probably feels lousy because I'm sure she knows her "joke" was hurtful.  But I could just use some support right now!


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

connecticut , may_2007
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Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 3:27 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Eve - I'm so sorry you are feeling this way.  Some people get so wrapped up in their own points of view, they just can't see the real impact of your pain.  My heart is with you.
Love2uKiss

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I'm so sorry. We've been discussing in another thread the lack of tolerance this culture has regarding those who don't want kids, and often times that same intolerance is even more hurtful to those who want kids and cannot have them. People can be so ignorant and that ignorance can really burn.

 

 

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Abc12345678 Posts : 272 Registered: 2/25/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

1

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

hugs Ever since I joined these boards, you have been so helpful with kind words and a great outlook. I have never met you, but I always pictured you to be a wonderful woman. You have a great husband, though it is hard (especially around mother's day) just try to ignore the negative things around you. Focus on all the great things you have, and come  here for *hugs*!

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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Dear EveT I am so sorry this is happening to you. I read the post before I looked at the name and realized it was you and then I was just stunned. You are such a kind, thoughtful person on these message boards. Although you don't have children I am sure there are many, many young girls on these boards who have benefitted from your wisdom, your compassion and your kind words.

if you are like this as an anonymous poster than I am sure you are even more lovely in person and do not deserve this. You strike me as the kind of woman who brings light and sunshine into many peoples lives, even if they are not family. Although you have not had children you are like one of the great mama's of brides.com!

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 5:23 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

Wow!  Ladies, you are so sweet!  You are really making me feel better.  I never expected such praise.

And I have to say that I also appreciate the fact that nobody asked me "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you go to a sperm bank?"  Because over the course of my life I have considered these kinds of options, and for various reasons they were not right for me, for my (now deceased) husband, and for our circumstances.  I know there are women my age who would go ahead and have a baby (or adopt one), but having lost my husband I know what it is to lose a primary family member and I would not want my child to have to lose his/her mother at an early age, nor would I want to become a 90-yr-old burden on my son or daughter in the prime of their life.

I also realized, when I thought about my mother's remark, that she may actually be jealous of my marriage.  When you've had bad marriages yourself and are elderly and lonely, you may secretly wish that your daughter would come running to you with tales of how awful her husband is.

As for the church, well, I think there is something askew about the theological notion that motherhood is equal to Godliness.  If it is God who makes us fertile or infertile, how can being childless be any less Godly than being a mother?  Yet I understand why many religions glorify motherhood -- in many ways it's a dirty, exhausting, thankless job, so if at least the church says, "Hey, it's awesome to be a mother!" then the women who are doing this day in and day out can feel appreciated.

Thanks again for all of your kind words, ladies!


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,906 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 8:26 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I would tell your mom how mean her comment was.  She obviously was not thinking.  You should hear some of the comments I get for not changing my name!!  People just don't think sometimes. 

"being a mother makes you a better person, better Christian, the very embodiment of God's love on earth"

I WOULD NOT take anything in that line.  What makes you a good person IS NOT based on how many kids you have!!    

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SammiAnn Posts : 114 Registered: 3/4/08
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 8:38 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

The number of children a woman has does not make her more of a woman and that makes me sad that your church even sent out something saying that to be a better Christian meant to be a mom.  I think that you can be a motherly figure and still not have children (like other PPs have stated, you're like a mom to a lot of us younger brides with your gentle and wise advice).  Obviously, God had a different purpose for you than to be a mother, and who can argue with God?  And I'm sorry that you had to deal with the comment from your mom as that was uncalled for...and she knows it was.  Just know that we here are supporting you and think that you are a WONDERFUL person!

HUGS


June 7, 2008...here I come!

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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: SammiAnn

That is just terrible that someone so close to you could make such a hurtful comment. I'm agreeing with PPs, God has a different purpose for you in life and the fact that you are unable to have children does NOT make you any less of a good person or a good Christian.

hugs for you Feel better sweetie!


 http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyAnne Stafford&RobertWilliams, Jr

                                 R&R: June 21, 2008

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,947 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 10:46 PM Go to message in response to: MrsWilliams2008

Gee, you "kids" make me feel so much better!  I am still kind of wrung out from all the crying last night so I'm going to bed early.  Thank you, each and every one of you, for your lovely comments!

My mother is usually an incredibly warm, affectionate person . . . but she has a mean streak that comes out very rarely.  It was such a weird comment, ESPECIALLY considering that she got pregnant by accident when she was unmarried and gave me up for adoption.  (She's my birth mother; we found each other about 25 years ago and have had a pretty good mother-daughter relationship all these years.)  We live on opposite sides of the country, so I can't just go over and talk to her face to face, and she's very hard of hearing so telephone conversations are difficult.  She can talk, but when I say anything back or ask questions, she often can't understand me.

What I decided to do is to send an email to my half-siblings who live near her, telling them that she seemed to be in a negative frame of mind and wondering if anything was going on that I should know about.  Naturally I'm not telling them what she said.  I'm just wondering if someone in the family is sick, or even if my mother is sick and didn't want to tell me.  I know that my half-sister recently either lost her job or resigned -- I don't know the details -- but maybe that is part of the problem.  We'll see what they have to say.


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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MrsMaldonado Posts : 2,852 Registered: 3/7/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I am so sorry.
I do not have children, but I hope to someday have some. I know how you feel because I would also be devastated if I were unable to have them. I am just so sorry....that was very cruel.




MyWedding.Com/BryanAndMariaEmanuelasWedding
DaisypathWedding Ticker

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 6, 2008 11:54 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I wish I could say that I can't believe someone would say something so mean and nasty.  Unfortunately, I'm not surprised, but that does NOT excuse it.  

But to have it come from someone who should know your personal trials, that is just horrible.   And I truly feel for you.

No ONE is less or more of a person if they do not have children.  No ONE is less or more of a person if they do have children.

That just burns me.

Let me tell you, I truly appreciate your opinions on these boards.  I do not always agree, but you make me think and I respect your opinion.

A lot of parents do not even get that....  I hope that all of the replies you've already gotten from these lovely ladies help. 

 


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Mrslinnben Posts : 2,286 Registered: 6/4/07
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

((HUGS)) Eve.....That was a horrible sttatement that your mother said to you.  I would be upset too.. 

I am struggling with motherhood wheter I should or not, you see I am 42, DH is 49...we've just celebrated our 1st anniversary on the 21st of April............Do I want to be 62 yrs with a 20 yr old?  Will I see my child walk down the asile?  Can we retire at 65 & still continue to financially assist our children (I would want 2...).  My parents buy us stuff every know & then (all my brothers & sisters too).  Also my DH & I are just getting out of debt. 

I have brought up adoption, foster parenting to my husband, but it wasn't received warmly.

Just remember, you are a sister, best friend, niece, aunt....you are a mother...an extended mother.


Linda 

Linny-Swanna will chop up the competition.

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: NWR: childless and feeling bad
Posted: May 7, 2008 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: SammiAnn

The number of children a woman has does not make her more of a woman and that makes me sad that your church even sent out something saying that to be a better Christian meant to be a mom. 

No kidding. It's that sort of ignorant and stunted growth of spirit that leaves me feeling wiser than my church leaders normally. I mean, all I can think of is that crazy Warren Jeffs situation where everyone was pushing out babies at 15 and it left me feeling nauseous with how that "church" saw girls as nothing more than baby factories.

Unfortunately, while our culture is usually not quite to that extreme, there is still a prevalent assumption that if you are a woman you exist primarily to be a baby factory. So yes, I totally agree that being a mom doesn't make you more or less of a christian (or person), and vice versa. Isn't that sad that some people actually think otherwise.....

Gosh it gets me so furious.

I know it's easier said than done, but I hope you are able to see through the nonsense of such statements. I know it's still painful though.

Lots of hugs.


 

 

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