HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!

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CBM09 Posts : 121 Registered: 3/7/08
HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 8, 2008 2:56 PM

Hey Ladies, I put a post under the engagement forum but I wanted to put one here also since it's the Family, Friends, and Guests forum. I'm not engaged yet but my bf and I have gone to several jewlery stores to look for rings. We both agree on the style and type of diamond that we like and I thought we were on the same page. Until his mom told him that he doesn't need to buy me a real expensive ring because it will bring about envious feelings with other ladies in his family (sisters, brother's g/f) when he shared this with me I think I was in shock and I didn't really say anything. But the more I think about it, it really upsets me because this is supposed to be my time to "shine" and I feel like she doesn't think I deserve that. And money isn't an issue, we have been saving up for our wedding and he has even sold one of his "Beloved" cars to be able to buy the ring. I'm nervous because I don't want him to take her opinion into consideration because it's pretty ridiculous and I deserve my dream ring. Right?! Thanks!!

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 8, 2008 3:20 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Hi -- I answered on the other forum, but I will add that even though I think it was rude of his mother to say that, and unwise of your FH to tell you that she said it, nobody really "deserves" things in life.  In the global sense, I mean.  Life isn't fair, many people don't get what they deserve, they get much worse or much better than they deserve.  But I totally agree with you and with the PPs on the other forum that your ring should be something you totally love and are proud & happy to wear every day for the rest of your life.
EveT

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 8, 2008 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Dear CBM,

How long are those apron strings attaching him to his mother? Have they cut the umbilical cord, yet?

It's his money, he can do as he pleases. So what if others feel envious. That's their problem, not yours.

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XYZ1 Posts : 367 Registered: 1/7/08
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 8, 2008 8:22 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

It could be that your FMIL thinks luxuries like a nice engagement ring are “wasteful” and she’s trying to make up a reason for your FH not to get a fancy diamond.  A lot of my extended family members are like this – they feel very strongly about “unnecessary spending.”  (My grandma once yelled at my dad for buying a $2 box of matches when he could have gotten free ones from the local hotel.)  So it might not be anything personal against you having nice things – maybe she just doesn’t think anyone should have expensive stuff.

Talk to your FH and tell him this is important to you, and you want to make sure you’re still on the same page about the ring.  If he sold one of his classic cars to pay for it, I’d be shocked if he wanted to back out of buying the ring now.  If he really is worried about his sisters or his brother’s girlfriend being jealous, remind him that they’ll have rings someday too – just because you’re first doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get what you want!  (And if they ARE jealous they can deal with it. People can get jealous of just about anything.  If you got a pebble and super-glued it onto a $1 plastic ring, some people would still be jealous that you’re engaged and they’re not.)

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NewMrsSass Posts : 722 Registered: 12/31/06
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 9, 2008 8:16 AM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Somewhat of the same thing happened to me.  FMIL never had an engagement ring (still doesn't), and FBIL had just bought a house right before he bought FSIL's ring so his budget was severely limited.  FMIL and FBIL gave my FH some grief when he told them his ring budget..."waste of money," "unnecessary," etc. I had never been ring shopping with FH or discussed ring budget...his proposal was a complete shock and his spending completely his idea.  And you know what?  He spent what he wanted to spend and that was the end of it.  I agree with PP, his mom is definately not against YOU getting a bigger/more expensive diamond than the other women in the family, she is against it for ANYONE.  So don't take it so personally.  If your boyfriend can cut the cord from his mom and not listen to her, his mother will probably stop running her mouth as soon as he buys the ring (what's done is done). 

However, the end of your post worries me.  I wouldn't say anyone "deserves" any kind of ring.  The e-ring is a privilege to have as a bride, not a right.  And I really hope it wasn't your idea to sell his car to pay for your ring...I hope he made that decision 110% on his own.  You can't force him to buy what you want.  I'm one of those people who doesn't really believe in shopping for e-rings together unless the future bride is helping to pay for it, but that's just my old-fashioned thinking.  I mean, by all means, drop all the hints you want, but I don't think I'd actually want to see the ring in person before the proposal.  Then again, FH has fantastic taste and picked out my dream ring all by himself.

Sorry for rambling, I'll summarize my advice: don't worry about his mom, and hope that he is ignoring her too.  Don't whine to him about it though...that could piss him off.  And maybe find a ring or two online, tell FH you like that particular style, tell him your ring size, and leave it at that.  It could help shut his mom up too if you aren't soooo involved in the ring shopping process.


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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 9, 2008 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I totally agree with Aunt--if he's a big enough boy to even think about getting married, then he's a big enough boy to decide what he's going to do with his money. And the fact that he reported his mother's comment to you shows that he still has some maturing to do. As far as she's concerned, just preted you never heard that comment, be sweet, be nice, and do exactly as you both damned please.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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MermaidBride08 Posts : 554 Registered: 9/26/06
Re: HELP! I feel like his mom hates me!
Posted: Mar 10, 2008 2:19 AM Go to message in response to: NewMrsSass

I'm with Sassano. My FMIL did something similar. She never had an engagement ring, either. I'm not even sure if his parents have wedding rings. Anyway, a few months before we got engaged, she got a CZ ring from ebay to wear as an engagement ring and was talking about how it was such a waste to buy real diamonds when CZ "is exactly the same". I told FH at the time that I disagreed with her and we laughed together. Well, when he first proposed, he didn't ask my input on the ring and was on a very small budget(He's not much of a plan-maker) so I didn't really like the ring. About a year later, we saved up and got me a diamond ring and he forced me to show her(I really didn't want to) and when I did she just laughed and said, "Yeah, look at mine!" and flashed her CZ. 

 

I really don't get people that try to burst your balloon and steal your thunder like that. If you have the means, you deserve to get what you want. I mean, you're going to be wearing this thing for the rest of your life, the only person who needs to love it is you and who needs to agree with it is your FH. Talk to him about it. Tell him how much it means to you.

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