Telling the parents

Online Users: 1,321 guest(s), 1 user(s). Replies: 10

mariedancer Posts : 29 Registered: 3/3/08
Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 3, 2008 11:52 PM

Hello all

So, I am not "officially" engaged yet, but my boyfriend will be buying a ring with his tax reeimbursement ;) Our main hurdle in getting married will be my parents.   I know for starters they will think I am way too young at 21 (he is 26) and to top it all off, they don't really  get along with him.  We have been dating for over a year and a half now and Christmas 2006 didn't go so well. He spent christmas with us and the whole family was under alot of stress because there we some really  personal issues we addressed about the family and he was involved as my support.   Well, he is not used to the sort of secrecy and dysfuntion  there is in my family, so he didn't knonw how to handle it.  So, he acted out in really immature  ways and said some really hurtful things to my mom and other family members.  My parents have not talked to him or seen him since  then and my dad even told me he never wants to see him again. 

 We actually  broke up pfor about a month  and a half in september.  He has truly matured since we got back together in november and we have fallen even more in  love.   I know we are happy togetherr and will be happy  married. 

 But my family only sees him as controlling and rude  now.  Especially since I have met  him I have made alot of changes in my  life, but they don't see them as my  changes, but as ones he has made f or me, but that just isn't the case.

anyhow, my dad will expect him to ask permition  and  I want that as  well, but I need to prep my family for it and   I just don't know how to talk to them about it.  We don't  really share  feelings well in  my family  and  I knnow they will not be happy.   I   don't want my wedding to  be overcacst with h feeelings o f disappointmenet from my  family - i hate feeling like they think i have made a bad decision.

 Any   advice or encourageement?  Can anyone  relate?

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mariedancer Posts : 29 Registered: 3/3/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 4, 2008 12:02 AM Go to message in response to: mariedancer

PS -  sorry about the typos...

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 5, 2008 10:24 AM Go to message in response to: mariedancer

if you are without a doubt sure that he is going to be proposing i would tell them now.  just let the family know that a proposal is coming any time.  it beats waiting until you are engaged and having that time ruined by the reactions.  they will have time to adapt to the idea.

prepare yourself.  you need someone other than your boyfriend to go to in able to talk and vent during this time.  enlist an older relative or wise friend to confide in.

 

i can't relate to this but i sympathize.  

 

without making any judgments i want to say that when the family disapproves it is usually a bad sign.  i would say that they probably have your best interests at heart.  if it is a pride thing only they will get over how he disrespected them.  if there is more to it you need to listen to their concerns and at least weight them on your mind. 

 

 

definitely address this with your family and then deal accordingly.  you will need to look inside yourself for answers, you will know the truth if you let yourself be open to it.

 

 

good luck 



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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 5, 2008 4:19 PM Go to message in response to: mariedancer

Well first off...I think he probably needs to apologize. I would suggest he takes your parents out to lunch or even invite them over for lunch (without you there) and explain to them why he reacted the way he did. chances are they'd understand and then he can explain to them that he plans on proposing and that he would like their blessings.

Let us know how it  goes


Formerly San Ramon Bride

The Big Day: 9/20/08

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Guest
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 5, 2008 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

Since it is the 2 of you who will BOTH need the support of your family, why not confront them together. Say to thm in a relaxed environment, but be stern and tell them that this is what the two of you want and you both would like it to be within the near future and you both wanted to prepeare them that this is where the relationship stands, and that you need their support! If the 2 of you are headstrong and really sure about this, do it together. Including yourselves as a team and confronting the issue as a team will only show them how serious you really are.

Good luck :) 

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DutchBride Posts : 118 Registered: 3/11/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 14, 2008 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would definitely say he needs to apologize.  Not all parents love who their son or daughter has chosen, but there should be some sort of respect there.  I can relate to being younger (21) and FH being older (25), but we've been together for five years and our families get along.  I am a little scared to tell my dad however because I am "daddy's girl" etc.  I have requested FH to ask my father if he can marry me because I think that will show he is truly dedicated to me and to the family.  It takes a lot of guts to ask someone's dad to marry their daughter, yknow?!

 Best of luck to ya, hon!


* Marijke *

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mariedancer Posts : 29 Registered: 3/3/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 15, 2008 2:25 AM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

Thank you all so much for your responses! I have definitely wieghed my parents  and family's concerns.  I have also been cautious to understand that when thee family disapproves theree is usually good reason... We  even broke up  for  about two months last fall.  I truly and honestly feel that  I understand where they are coming from and that their reasoning (from their perspective) is valid.    But,  I really do think that it has been long enough to reconcile.  He has tried apologizing and explaining where he is comiing from, as have  I.  But to them they are just  "excuses" or  I am making excuses for him.  They just don't believe his apology is sincere no matter what.

 My parents are coming into town this weekend, so  I think I will talk to them about  it then - this truly take SO much courage for me since we don't really talk about stuff like this in my family - obviously or we wouldn't be having this problem...

We talked about us talking to them together, but my parents already have this idea that he is "changing" me and influencing or manipulating me or something.  I met him at a time when I was changing alot anyhow, but my parents kind of saw it as influenced by him.  Anyhohw, we thought it would be best if I spoke with them alone so that they would understand that this is something I truly want and am excited about.  And that  I  want it to be something that the family can celebrate, not mourn over...   So, keep me in your thoughts and prayers this weekend!   I  will let you know how things go...

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nmtgirl Posts : 142 Registered: 2/12/07
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 21, 2008 9:45 PM Go to message in response to: mariedancer

I just want to say that just the fact that you are so concerned about their reactions and that you want this to be good for the family as a whole shows that you have a great amount of maturity and are not the little girl that your parents could see you as. I think you that when you talk to them, you should start with something like, "I love you all very much and I want to do what is right for the family, but I love (FH) very much and this is what I want. I have thought long and hard about this and we need to find a way for us to make this work as a family."

Ashley and Paul - June 2010

 <a xhref="http://www.whenismywedding.com/"><img alt="When is my wedding" xsrc="http://www.whenismywedding.com/signature/20e231e5ce92a55e.gif" /></a><br />Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com
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TrustLove Posts : 73 Registered: 3/7/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 27, 2008 2:39 AM Go to message in response to: mariedancer

I can relate on a couple of the same issues as you. First off my FH and I are not officially engaged he asked me to marry him about a month short of our one year anniversary (and of course i said yes) and he also got me a promise ring so it's an engagement between the two of us and only few really close friends and his older (only) brother know. Secondly we have decided to wait to tell our parents until he proposes officially with the engagement ring. Because we are still young he's 19 and I'll be 19 next month, we decided to set our wedding date for July 29th 2010 when we will both be twenty one and hopefully by that time our parents will be more accepting that we are getting married so at such a young age. But I do know where you are coming from because my FH is Egyptian and he comes from a long line of arranged marriages so at first his parents were a little apprehensive of me and our relationship but once they saw how in love we were and right we were for each other , and how happy their son was they were fine. Now his parents love me and parents absolutely adore/love him. At the end of the day it's your life and while it is important to keep your parents opinion in mind you have to make your own decisions based on what you feel is right. They may not see in him the things you do. Hopefully, they will come around and be happy for you either way. Good Luck

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STBMrsDreyfous Posts : 125 Registered: 3/26/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Mar 29, 2008 3:10 PM Go to message in response to: TrustLove

I have mixed emotions about this topic. I know it must be really hard having your parents disapprove of the love of your life. What I think needs to happen when you talk to your parents is tell them how much your bf means to you. How sweet he is and how well he takes care of you (don't fabricate lies though, lol). I think that if they realize how much you care about each other they SHOULD back off a little and respect your relationship. If not, tell them that their support would mean alot to you and if they cannot provide that, then that is a sad decision and so be it!

Anyway, thats my 2 cents!! haha. Good luck!!


~Becca

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mariedancer Posts : 29 Registered: 3/3/08
Re: Telling the parents
Posted: Apr 7, 2008 11:07 PM Go to message in response to: STBMrsDreyfous

Hello all,

 Thanks so much for taking the time to respond.  So, I kind of sort of  had a conversation with my mom about this issue.  It didn't really get us anywhere, but at least it was brought up.  She said that expecting "a grand reuinion of forgiveness" would be unrealistic and basically has the "well, I suppose if that is what you want to do" kind of mentality.  Again, I understand her concerns, although she seems willing to at least act civil with him, she just doesn't seem to be willing to change her perception or at least make it open to change.  But, I think I am starting to have more confidence in my decision to be with him and more and more confidence in the person that he is and the way his character is building everyday.  Also, he called my parents today to see if they would be available to go out to dinner sometime this weekend or next.  No one was home, so he had to leave a message.  Poor guy was so nervous he was going to call yesterday, but decided to wait... we just hope they aren't screening their calls... Anyhow, we will see how it goes, but your input and encouragement is greatly appreciated. Laughing

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