The "No-Engagment" Woes

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NotSoPatientlyW... Posts : 4 Registered: 1/27/08
The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 27, 2008 2:43 AM

So I think I may have sucessfully messed up my engagement.  My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 3 years, we've talked about marriage, kids, homes, even looked at churches.  However, I have no ring and it's my own fault. 

My mother isn't crazy about him, he's not really religous, not too goal-oriented and isn't interested in getting a graduate degree.  Basically she feels like he isn't good enough for me.  I am pretty religous, I'm a die hard plan/goal maker for my life, I'm currently working on my masters, and even currently looking at PhD programs.  I disagree with her logic and think it's just a case of I'm her little girl and so no one will ever be good enough.  However, he's a great guy and I know if she just gave him a chance she'd see how good he really is.

Anyway one day my boyfriend and I were talking, he brings up my mom and asks if she's supportive of us.  I didn't want to lie so I told him how she felt and how I felt in response.  This offended him to the point of tears upon which he explained how he wanted to marry me and have her blessing to do so.  He even told me how he got a ring and had made plans to talk to her in the coming weeks and then propose to me on our upcomming vacation for our 3 year anniversary.  Of course this news threw all that out the window.  So I tried to convince him that it didn't matter but to no avail.  It's over a month after our vacation and anniversary and I have no ring. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset/hurt about this.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I really love him and hate to think that something like this would stop him from asking me to be with him.  I can understand that my mom's blessing is important to him but I don't think it's a possibility. I'm not trying to be negative but if we're waiting for my mom to come around to get married it may never happen.  I love him and I know I want to marry him but I don't know how to help him with this.  Right now I just wish I never said anything at all, but since I can't turn back time, what do I do?

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missrachelk Posts : 72 Registered: 6/26/07
Re: The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 27, 2008 7:27 AM Go to message in response to: NotSoPatientlyW...

This is tough.  From my own experience with my fh and many, many talks about our future, ambition, the fact that I ahve a degree and he doesn't (sounds kind of similar to your situation) I learned that I have to be extremely clear about what I'm trying to say. 


I mean that I think you need to sit with him and explain very clearly that you love him and want to be his wife, despite what your mother thinks.

I understand that he wants her blessing but sometimes it takes parents a while to come around.  I think it also wouldn't hurt for you to say - to your mother in private -- that this is the man I'm going to marry, I'd appreciate it if you would accept that I'm an adult and have made this decision and be happy for us. 

Talk to him. 
If its bothering you, get it out in the open, give him a chance to explain how he feels...marriage should be based on open communication, so do waht you can to start that pattern now.

good luck! Let us know how things go.

And you never know, he may be plotting and running interference and suprise you when you least expect it.

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 27, 2008 10:04 AM Go to message in response to: NotSoPatientlyW...

you did the right thing. you were honest and there is nothing more you can do short of making it clear how you feel and what you would like to happen

 

don't beat yourself up.  talk to your mom and let her know how you feel.  don't take the role of parent/child.  use your adult voice and be heard

 

 

i am sure your mom wants nothing but the best for you.  i hope that you can both respect each other

 

 

your boyfriend needs to be in this with you.  it should not be your problem to deal with.  you need support.  i understand he is hurt but you should come together as a couple and do as much as you can to find a resolution.  be it to confront your mother and try and give her a new outlook or just decide to take each step supporting your relationship with less regard to your mother's wishes.

 

 

you sound like an intelligent and loving person, you don't  have to please anyone but yourself.  listen to your heart and be strong.  you deserve a wonderful life that you create.  no one can get in the way of your happiness if you believe it is for you.  

 

 



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TattooedStarlit Posts : 202 Registered: 12/18/07
Re: The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 27, 2008 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: NotSoPatientlyW...

I'm sorry it turned out that way but I'm sure if you had lied to him and said she had no problem with your boyfriend and then in turn he went to get her blessing she told him no/how she felt, he's be upset with you for lying to him.  I'm sure things would be worse if you hadn't told him the truth.  He probably needs a little more time to calm down and think things out more.  I'm sorry I didn't have very much advise :(

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2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 28, 2008 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: NotSoPatientlyW...

I can only imagine how tough this is, especially to know what his plan was and to know it didn't happen when you really wanted it.

You need to have a talk with him, explain how you are feeling and that you are 100% sure he is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with.  Explain to him that your mom may not accept it now but she will as time goes on, and that as adults you two may just have to take the steps forward regardless because that is what you want together, and no one else can change how you feel about each other. 

Then have a talk with your mom, tell her you want to marry him regardless and that you feel as an adult that the two of you have a strong future together.  Even if he isn't super religious, it sounds like he is willing to get married in the church.. explain that to your mom. 

My FH grew up going to a Lutheran church, his Grandma goes to Church every sunday, and his dad grew up in a Catholic all boys school.  He doesn't attend church like he did before, but he is stil religous.  I'm religous but I didn't grow up going to church, my parents simply didn't do all that.  You should explain to your mom that everyone was brought up different, some raised around the church and some who weren't raised around the church but still believe in God.  It is a sensitive subject.  Maybe if you can get him to go to Church with you a few sundays when your mom is going this will show her that he is trying. 


___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

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DestoB Posts : 638 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: The "No-Engagment" Woes
Posted: Jan 28, 2008 7:11 PM Go to message in response to: NotSoPatientlyW...

as you can tell, the lot of us are big on communication.  talk to him and tell him how you're feeling.  maybe he's lost the confidence and just needs to know you're both on the same page.  don't play the guessing game.  wires will get crossed and things may end up in a place you definitely don't want them.  as linda ellerbe from nick news said when we were kids, 'if you want to know... ask!'

i can't get this stinkin' ticker to work so here...  april 18, 2009!

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