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Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!

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Capri26 Posts : 1 Registered: 1/3/08
Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 10:45 PM

Hi everyone. I'm not engaged (yet) but do know its coming b/c my boyfriend is very obvious! My b/f owns a house and for the past year has been renovating. My mother is a very opinionated person but truly means well. Just this past month she helped me clean out a few closets in the house. Usually she is never rude and my b/f takes her comments and suggestions polietly. Then she made this comment about moving a stackable washer/dryer into the kitchen b/c its in the basement. I know she was thinking about this b/c shes envisioning me there in the future and wanted to make my life easier. However, she was really bombarding him with it. He was being polite but kept saying that he didnt want it there. Eventually she got the hint and stopped bringing it up. But by this time he and I were both pissed off. She was being too pushy. I think she was in a bad mood b/c you could have cut the tension with a knife--her tone & facial expressions. Next she starts fighting with father we get up and move to a different room and she vents outloud something to the effect of everyone liking him (meaning my dad) better than her. Well, with that my b/f got up and left. I tried to make him stay but he said that he felt humiliated and embarassed and very uncomfortable. Both his parents are deceased and he kept saying things to the effect of not needing a mother and that hes a man & pays the mortage on his own house, not her. Now, she's upset with him for leaving and he's upset with her for being rude at dinner. And i'm completely stuck in the middle. Any advice on what to do? The ways things are looking now, there may not be an enagement.

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Re: Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 10:53 PM Go to message in response to: Capri26

Capri,

It seems your mother has very little experience in treating you, or your FH, like you both are adults.  Your FH is right in saying he does not need another mother.

You should have a talk with your mother and let her know how inappropriate her actions are.  She may run ramrod over things in her own home ,but she cannot and should not be allowed to do so in anyone else's.  She was being disrespectful to you both, and she has to be made to realize this.

After you are open and honest with her, you need to not go back on what you know is right.  Don't continue to condone her actions - by doing so, you're facilitating her continuing to act in the same manner.

Stick with your FH and stand your ground.  Once your FH realizes you're on his side, he'll be more relaxed.

So your mom has issues?!  I'm sure his mother would have some of her own issues, if she were still alive.  It's all part of meshing two families - there are tons of adjustments that have to be made by everyone.

Good luck!


Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it. - Song of Solomon 8:7

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!
Posted: Jan 7, 2008 11:34 PM Go to message in response to: Capri26

Dear Capri,

Cutting to the chase:

Your boyfriend is mad at your mother. Your mother is mad at your boyfriend.

Let them work it out between them. They are both grownups.

"That rotten mother of yours makes me so mad."
"Talk to her, not me."

"That rotten boyfriend of yours makes me so mad."
"Talk to him, not me."

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!
Posted: Jan 8, 2008 10:45 AM Go to message in response to: Capri26

It's wrong for them to put you in the middle. I would let them figure it out as AOTB suggested. However, I would also tell mom that she needs to back off and start treating you like an adult, and it has nothing to do with people liking him better than you.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Need advice after a fight--Long but need help!
Posted: Jan 8, 2008 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

And i'm completely stuck in the middle. Any advice on what to do?

Aunt and Bride2008 have given you the best advice--get out of the middle ASAP. You don't have to be there if you don't want to be.  And, the more you act like an independent adult with a mind of your own, the more people (like your mother) will treat you that way.

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