i'm probably going to sound pretty... PISSED OFF!!! another update...

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Deletedhandle Posts : 49 Registered: 11/13/07
i'm probably going to sound pretty... PISSED OFF!!! another update...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 8:40 PM

i'm probably going to sound bratty and selfish... but here goes.

my boyfriend and i have been talking about getting married for quite some time now and when we made the decision to get an apartment together a few months ago it was with the understanding that an engagement would soon follow (i never wanted to live together before an engagement and he would never get engaged without living with someone so i compromised, although it was much more of a sacrifice). and i know he's been out ring shopping but he always says that he doesn't have the money right now.

well, we set a limit on Christmas presents since we just got our new place so even though i was hoping a little (or maybe a lot, haha) i wasn't surprised when i didn't get a ring. i guess i just thought that he really didn't have the money like he always said.

BUT, today he went out and bought a 15 hundred dollar TV (a frickin TV?!) AND went and picked up a new iPhone!!!! so, in total, he spent more than 2 grand today. and i haven't said a word. we've always said that as long as we can pay our bills and save what we need to, the rest is ours to spend as we wish.

i really don't think i should be upset about this but to be honest, it REALLY hurt my feelings. it really makes me feel like a t.v. and stupid phone are more important to him than making me his fiance and future wife.

i look at that stupid tv and it makes me want to cry. Cry

am i being a huge brat or should i say something to him?

UPDATE:
i decided not to say anything and he brought it up. he was really nice about it and basically said that it wasn't time yet and that he already has his plan it's just not ready yet. so that was fine...

and then new years came... ladies, i really screwed up and i don't know how to make it up to him. but, what led to what happend: there's part of me that's worried that he's just stalling and doesn't actually want this to happen (it's a VERY SMALL part but i do admit to that insecurity).
so... new years+alcohol+no engagement+insecurities=stupid me.
at like 3 in the morning i started crying my eyes out and pretty much told him that i thought he was stalling and didn't want to marry me. needless to say, i REALLY hurt his feelings and i feel like a complete idiot...
any ideas on how to make it up to him? i just want him to know that i love him so much and i don't want him to feel like he's letting me down at all by waiting (what he's waiting for, i have no idea). geez, i really feel awful. =(

UPDATE AGAIN:

i am being patient, things felt like they were going smoothly between us until.... he came home with a ps3 and a bunch of other CRAP that totalled about another grand. so, a week and a half, 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS, no ring, and a lot of hurt feelings later- i don't even want to look at him. and it's not about the ring anymore... i'm just mad that he lies. he says he doesn't have money but he blows over 3 grand in less than 2 weeks on TOYS for himself. if he doesn't want to get engaged then he should just say so- i'd rather hear that he's not ready yet. because if it was personal, i could understand. if it was that he wasn't ready,i could understand. but i don't understand and can't tolerate being lied to. and there's no justification for saying you don't have money and then spending almost 3 grand on toys for yourself... other than he's lying about money being the issue.

and we talked after the tv and stupid phone and i thought he understood and was sympathetic to how i felt... obviously, it either didn't sink in or didn't matter that much. this is the first big issue we've had since we moved in together and it's the first time that i really don't wanna go home after work today =( i know i have to, but i REALLY don't want to go and sit there while he puts all of that new crap together... as if i'm not upset enough already.

ok ladies, any thoughts???


Message was edited by: wannabemrsbenham

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JAllen Posts : 793 Registered: 9/1/06
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 9:20 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

I don't think your being a brat.  It would hurt me too.  But I wouldn't say anything if I were you.  He may just be waiting for the right time.  Maybe he wants to plan something special, and you don't want to ruin that by getting in a fight about it.  Trust me, that is what happened to me.  We had been together for 5 years, and I was so ready, but nothing from him.  And then when we went home to visit family, I started getting suspicious it was finally going to happen so I told my best friend.  She ended up sticking her nose in it, and caused me to get very upset at a situation and I was hurt, and mad, and he ended up telling me that he was planning a big surprise proposal for me.  I missed out on my special moment, and felt like a heel.  I mean, it was justified because what they did was stupid and hurtful, but in the end it was fine, and I should have just sucked it up, and delt with it.  Then he wouldn't have felt like he had to tell me what was going on to make me feel better about it.

 

ANYWAY, lol after that ramble, I wouldn't say anything if I were you.  Just wait it out a while longer, and see what happens.  Maybe he had credit someplace he could get that stuff, but not a ring.  But you are definately NOT being a brat.  It is totally undertandable.  You never know, just wait it out a while.  Good Luck!!! 


 

http://www.mywedding.com/vanceandjammie/

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RDWM Posts : 1,354 Registered: 9/27/06
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 9:24 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

I don't know if you are bratty or selfish, you just sound hurt. My DH and his ex wife had been apart legally for over 3 years when we started seeing one another. He hadn't divorced her because he had no intention of marrying again and that worked to keep 2 other women from getting to serious. I have been friends with him since we were kids and he knew I wasn't going to settle for a married man. He still kept stalling, saying he was to busy. I finally downloaded divorce papers and filled them out. They had long ago divided their property so it was all very simple. I handed them to him with a check for the filing fee. I told him to make arrangements with her to get them signed and then get 'er done if he wanted me to stay. I'm pretty sure that at least makes me bratty. Had it not worked I would have been done with him. Had I not believed I meant as much to him as he meant to me it just wasn't going to work for me. 

I do think you should be upset. It sounds like you two need to talk. You need to know his intentions and a time line. You also need to be able to honestly discuss anything with him. This is very important to you and he needs to know that before resentment sets in. 

I hope you get this worked out. Please keep us posted.  

Danille 


We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures. ~ Thornton Wilder

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FMBrowning Posts : 44 Registered: 9/4/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 10:42 PM Go to message in response to: RDWM

I think your behaving as a rational person would be hello and tv and phone but no ring you are not being a brat you are just thinking what everyone else would be thinking so you have everyright to complain
http://www.mywedding.com/mimmiejoseph/

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Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

i dont think your being selfish or bratty about the whole situation........but you know what......he could have already bought the ring but just waiting for the right moment?? that is possible, my FH had bought my ring for months but was just trying to work out  the proposal story and here i was getting mad when he would do things that cost 'money' not knowing he had already gotten the ring and cause of my getting upset several times, i ended up spoiling my surprise proposal and that sucked!!! so maybe be a little patient about it and if it makes you feel any better, there is still New Years!!!!! let us know how it goes and good luck!!

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OrthoRN Posts : 323 Registered: 11/24/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 26, 2007 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

Now is the time to discuss matters of the heart & pocketbook. If you do not let him know your feelings, how can things become balanced for you as a couple?? Do not wait until you are married to have disagreements about expenditures & feelings.

Message was edited by: OrthoRN

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deltagirl Posts : 516 Registered: 12/30/06
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 6:12 AM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

You are not being a brat. It is totally understandable that you are hurt. I think you should communicate how you feel. He should know that something he has done has caused you pain.  

www.brides.com/weddingwebsite/trinaandron2008

 

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 11:21 AM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

I am always confused about this, when are you engaged?  When you get the ring or when you start talking about getting married?  If you decide to get married aren't you engaged?  I don't know, my husband and I talked about getting married, we decided we were getting married, we got married.  Did  I miss the engagement? 

Anyway talk to him and let him know you made a commitment when you moved in together so it is time to move on to the next step. 

Just keep in mind if you start giving timelines and ultimatiums you have to be ready to follow through on whatever you say.



 

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HeatherPash Posts : 71 Registered: 7/9/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I agree with kennysnewwife - ultimatums are difficult and can actually do the opposite of what you're hoping.

I don't think you're being selfish or a brat, but you should consider that he's simply not ready to get engaged or be married yet. It may have been a "sacrafice" to him as well, having you move in. I wouldn't have married my husband if I hadn't lived with him first to get the whole scope on what I was in for, lol. (I'm also older and have no religious affiliations in that respect.)

I guess my only advice is to have patience, and start a conversation on where he sees your relationship going. If he's not ready to take those next steps, then he needs to be able to discuss that honestly with you.

Good luck!

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soon2bmrswarner Posts : 187 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

Marriage is a lot different from a man's point of view than it is from a woman's. It's a lot more intimidating for them. I know that this is the modern world and women work just as hard and as long to provide for their families, but men still feel the pressure to live up the the whole 'family provider and caretaker' role. Sometimes it takes them a little longer to be ready to step into it.

I don't think you are being a brat, you had your feelings hurt and I understand why. You said that you JUST moved in together, so why not let him dabble his feet in that for a little while. That's a pretty big adjustment for the both of you. He might just be overwhelmed at the prospect of both moving in with, and then proposing marriage to you in such a short time. He obviously loves you, he moved in with you. Give him some time and he'll come around. Smile


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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

I have heard similar stories from other women, and I've never thought they were being a brat.

Wait it out.  This is a difficult time in your relationship -- I'm sure you feel out of control and "waiting" on him can be really excruciating.  But with every one of the women I know who had a similar story, they did get a engaged.  But don't be afraid to set a time line.  Not necessarily an ultimatum, but a time line.  Tell him this is where I want to be a year from now (or whatever your timeline is) and I'll need to know at that time if you're on board or not. 

Good luck.  What I would do now is rent a bunch of movies to watch on that big television of his: Four Weddings and A Funeral, The Wedding Date, Monsoon Wedding, Wedding Crashers, Muriel's Wedding. . . . He'll get the picture : )


_______________________________________________________
"I could get a life, but then who would watch my television?"

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LynnieBoo Posts : 144 Registered: 12/2/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 1:10 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

WBB~

You dont sound rude, or a brat to me.  To be honest with you I was kind of in your same spot.  I wanted to get engaged so bad, but he kept telling me to wait there is no $$, but still buying things.  To make this short we ended up breaking up becauce of this.  I found out he was just really holding out.  He really didnt want to get married, and we were together for 4 years.  About 2 months later after we broke up he proposed to me telling me he couldnt live without me.  After I thought about our relationship, and the good and the bad.  I couldnt marry him.  I mean I hate to leave in order for him to see how much I meant to him.  That really hurt my feelings.  Im not saying you feel the way I did

BUT....

 I think you should really think about your relationship, and have an open talk with him about how you are felling.  If you dont let him know he will not know.  It is better to know then not.

 

GOOD LUCK!!!   


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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: Deletedhandle

I would be very upset... 2 grand is a LOT of money and he's feeding you excuses about not being able to afford an engagement ring? What?!?! I would tell him how you feel. I think he would understand, plus you don't want to keep your feelings bottled up if this is really hurting you that badly, it will just make it worse.

Message was edited by: born2dream

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DCTexan Posts : 170 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 27, 2007 4:19 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

I know exactly how you are feeling.  I felt the same way when I agreed to move in with my now fiance.  I did not want to move in together unless it was certain that we were headed towards marriage.  We had a few long, serious talks about what we both wanted and needed from the relationship and I felt good about it.

To be honest, I really thought that we would get engaged just after we moved in together.  And as each month passed where we didn't get engaged, I got more and more anxious.  He was sending the worst mixed messages saying that he loved me and knew he wanted to marry me, but at the same time he wasn't ready for marriage at all.

Throughout the year we had a couple more talks about making sure we were both on the same page, and he agreed that we were.  Well, this summer (after a full year of living together) my FH completely and totally took me by surprise by proposing.  I honestly didn't see it coming.  I had really convinced myself that it was not going to happen for a while.  Turns out, he had been planning on proposing for a whole year!

So, the point of this long story is that despite what it may seem, he may have a few tricks up his sleeve.  I would wait until after the holidays and then just have a talk with him to see if you guys are still following the same plan.  If he says that he still wants this to lead to marriage, then I would just leave it alone.  Who knows, you may be surprised at what he comes up with.

Good luck and keep us posted!

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Deletedhandle Posts : 49 Registered: 11/13/07
Re: i'm probably going to sound pretty bratty...
Posted: Dec 29, 2007 1:04 PM Go to message in response to: DCTexan

first of all, thanks ladies for the responses! i really appreciate all the feedback.

so, i decided that i wasn't going to say anything just yet and that i was going to wait it out...

but then he initiated a conversation about it. he said that he didn't want me feeling bad about his expensive purchases and the affect that might have on his proposal (ring included). he just said that i shouldn't give much weight to things like that since i have no idea what he's planning, if he has the ring already or not, and if he's just waiting for the "right" time.... so basically, he told me to just chill out and be patient because it was in the works.

he obviously knew i was bothered by it and now i regret letting that show... i don't want to know anything about the proposal or if he's planning something! now i'm trying to concentrate on not actively waiting...

this waiting process bites.

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