Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 5:09 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Honestly?  I wouldn't move in with him.  Continue to go out with him, spend weekends at his place if you want, but don't LIVE with him.  Will your name be on the title?  Then it isn't really yours and his. 

I have a very good friend who moved in with her bf after dating for a year or so.  She definitely wanted to get married but he wasn't "ready".  Well, once they had been living together for a while and solidified their relationship further she realized that he was NEVER going to be ready- there was excuse after excuse after excuse... kind of like your bf with the whole money thing and wanting everything to be perfect.  It turns out that my friend's bf NEVER wanted to get married but he did want to be with her, even have kids with her.  He just was afraid their relationship would change when things were "official".  She went through a couple of years trying to decide if she could live with that or not.  Happy ending, though- he FINALLY proposed, they got married, have had kid #1 and kid #2 is on the way.  :)

Because of watching her and some of my other friends who lived with their bf's for much longer than they would have liked without getting engaged I refused to live together with my (now) DH until I had a ring and a date- two things that, to me, kept me from becoming one of AOTB's "perpetually engaged" couples.  :)

Now, maybe if you do work on your communication skills like you intend to you will be OK but it does sound as though, like someone else pointed out (Myra, maybe?) he is the one holding all the cards.  By not living with him you force him to decide if he wants you badly enough to make that serious commitment- in a perfect way or not. 

Let me just make this clear, too- I do not think there is ANYTHING wrong with living together before getting engaged.  I just think that it can delay an engagement.  If that is OK with you then go for it.  For many women, though, when they love the one they are with they want to get engaged and get things moving so a delay wouldn't work for them.   

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Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 10:11 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Am I missing soemthing here? If you're engaged - you're engaged? why exactly are you not telling people? You don't need a ring to "prove" it, or a party to celebrate it or an official announcement in the paper - you just tell people when you see them that your engaged...don't you??? If you want to wait until you can afford it to have a ring and a party thats all good and very sensible but why can't you tell people? I find that really odd.

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MegBride Posts : 23 Registered: 7/29/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I understand the difference. I have been with my FH for 4 1/2 years. At some point we decided we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together- but we didn't want to get married right that second. I was in school, he wasn't settled in his career yet, and we wanted to be ready before starting the engagement. This arrangement would occasionally make me crazy wondering when are we going to be "really engaged". Like when will I get a ring and start shopping for dresses. We got officially engaged shortly before our 4th anniversary. I am glad we waited. The wedding planning process can be really stressful, and it is good be be in a good place when you enter into your engagement. If you want a symbol- have you though about a promise ring or pin? These are more affordable pieces of jewelery that signal a commitment to become engaged. I never got one, but I like the idea for those who want to get married- just not right now. As for the house- I suggest you either make sure your name is on the deed/ mortgage, or sign a contract stating that you will be compensated if you should separate. You may also want to consider a rental agreement for your roomates. In the event of the unforseen, it is better to have a plan written out. This is especially important if you live in a common law state, where your status can be challenged at a later date (ie one partner could claim they were common law married and demand part of the other's assets). 

  

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 17, 2007 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: MegBride

The reason we're not telling anyone is b/c he wants to ask me officially and ask my father for permission. He's really excited about doing it. I have agreed to this, and I thinks its worth the wait.

As for moving in, I am planning on moving in with him.

I'm not overly concerned b/c at this point he IS buying the house. aka its his money he's using. For financial reasons it's better that my name isn't on the mortgage. And I don't want what isn't mine so I don't feel the need to be on the deed but we have discussed signing papers ensuring a civil split should the worst happen, like the ones you had mentioned. Two main reasons we are moving in together,

1. Financially, it makes no sense for us to live apart while I'm saving for school, and we are trying to pay down the mortgage on the house. He wants to support me through school, so I don't have to try and work full time or two part time jobs while studying. (I've been gone for a few years and am scared enough without that, and ridiculously excited at the same time)

2. We want to be close and we can't spend much time together atm b/c our schedules have switched (recently) and we now work opposite shifts. He lives at home and I rent a small bedroom in a house, so crashing over is very rare and spending time at his mom's place is awkward at best. (very much a busy body. who makes it hard sometime to just sit and watch a movie) Since it helps our finances and can help us continue to spend time together, we thought it made sense. 

We will definitely have our roommates, even though they are friends, sign a lease. We both know too many people who got into sticky situations because there was no specific paper work.

We are both well rounded ppl who have decided to buy our house first before we marry but we want to start our lives together, regardless of marriage. (we're 27&28) We spent the weekend talking about it, and we decided that we'd rework the time line, which we did as previously posted, and that any decisions that effect us both we decide together. I made it clear to him that I would rather have a long engagement than wait forever, and he understands why now. 

I'd like to thank all of you for your advice it really helped us talk it through. And thank you very much for letting me vent this out instead of bottling it up where it could have been toxic for our relationship.

 


  

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 17, 2007 12:31 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

News- I agree with you 100% on all you said! I was the same w/ DH.  I told him from Day 1 pretty much that I did not want to live with him until there was ring on my finger and wedding plans were in the works.  My mom even said the same thing to me.  I just didnt' wanna give him everything a wife would give without BEING a wife. And I didnt want him to think I would.  and I think doing that really let him see that if he wanted to marry me he better get to asking!! Not that we ever agreed to living together before we were engaged, but I've seen so many of my friends go down that route and it's never good (well sometimes I guess it is!)

Not saying,OP, that this will happen to you, or that living together before you're married is bad.  As long as he know what YOU want and what you EXPECT from the future, and you TELL him, then it should work out. But don't stick around for TOO long b/c then it could get bad and you don't want to waste your time.


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