Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 2:40 PM

In the spring my bf is buying a house. We have discussed marriage and are planning on marrying in the next 3 years or so.
We have been dating for 2yrs but have been best of friends for 10yrs, <it just took me 8yrs to realize what was in front of me.> We will be moving in together in the spring when he buys the house. We will also be renting out additional rooms to some of our friends to help with the mortgage. We have an understanding with them that it is our <mine and his> house and we are renting to them.  He was to have the house setup and start paying it off before we marry. Financially I understand this, emotionally . . . thats another story.

He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. But he wants to wait a while so he can do it properly. A while = 1.5 yrs or so. I know he has this grand scheme and plan for how he wants our life to be but I feel as tho I am engaged but can't tell anyone. In both our minds we are already committed to each other.

but for him it means we can wait until we can make the engagement / wedding more perfect.

For me, I feel more like we ought to be married sooner to really begin our lives together. I feel like he's unnecessarily delaying things.
To clarify, I don't mind waiting for the wedding <they r expensive and we need to save> but as far as the engagement I really don't want to wait, he asked I said yes . . . i don't care if i have a ring or a piece of string . . . I just want to yell at the top of my lungs "this is the man I'm marrying"

Am I begin whiny?  Are my feelings unjustified?
I plan on sucking it up and waiting but its driving me crazy!!!


 

 

 

 

 

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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Pamlin Posts : 958 Registered: 10/26/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 2:48 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Sillygirl, I actually had the same experience (except for the roommates part)  Yes, it was frustrating, but at least he has his priorities in place -he's securing your future home, and let's face it, real estate has more equity than a ring.  I had to wait two very long and frustrating years before DH had the money to "do it properly"  but I'm SO glad we did wait -houses are expensive, and in the beginning, there are always unforseen expenses popping up -we would have never been able to do the wedding we wanted had we gotten engaged right away. 

Be secure in the fact that you both know you're the right ones for each other, and use the time living together to really bond and prepare for married life.  When the time is right, it will be that much more amazing, because you have your home set up and ready to go, and can devote your full attention to the wedding planning and the rest of your lives together. (It also sounds strange, but it will also help with the whole registry thing -you need to learn the "personality" of the house before you really know what things are needed to furnish/decorate it)


Pamlin

The wedding will be lovely, but it's the next day and every day after that makes me truly excited.

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sstamper Posts : 621 Registered: 9/15/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Well you have a right to feel the way you do but I can also understand were he is coming from. My DH and I knew the first year of dating that we were going to be with each other for the rest of our lives so we decided if we have this understanding then really we are engaged and just kept it ourselves until 3 more years down the line he popped the question and it became "offical" Just think,  the length of time you guys have been together I am sure both family and firends know what the next step is going to be. If you told everyone but had to wait another 1.5 years for it to be "offical" it would drive you even more crazy b/c now you are going to have to explain everything to everyone a hunderd times and some people might not get it and others will. Plus telling your family and friends about how he popped the question the 2nd time is going to be so much more fun then...."yeah we were sitting on the couch and he just asked and I said yes" (not saying that that would be a bad thing either but in high insight no girl wants that to be her engagment story) :-) Not sure if I helped any but look on the brightside now you can be suprised!

 

Sue & Marcus 10/13/07

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

SillyGirl,

He asked, you said yes.  Isn't that being engaged?  You don't have a ring yet that's all.  In my book if the question is asked and answered you are engaged.  You just have to wait for him to buy the ring so you can start your planning.  Maybe that will help you until the time is right for the ring.



 

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BriansBride2008 Posts : 814 Registered: 3/26/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I feel your frustration.... We too were privately engaged before publicly...  It drove me crazy knowing that I was going to marry my best friend but not allowed to share in my happiness...  He wanted to wait until he could put the ring on my finger to make is "Official"..  That is one of the reasons I joined brides.com was because then I got to be excited about it and talk about it and no one in my day to day life knew.....  and that seems so lon ago now....

BB2008 


AUGUST 16, 2008 

I AM GETTING TO MARRY MY BEST FRIEND!!! YEAH!!!

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lensappeal Posts : 80 Registered: 9/4/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 3:17 PM Go to message in response to: BriansBride2008

me too... Although its driving me crazy, because we've set a date, and everything, july 19th, and he still has not talked with my dad (he wants to before he asks me)... So, I have a countdown, and we get closer and closer and closer... argh!

So, silly girl, I can feel your pain. I just din't know there were so many of us hidden brides!
When is my wedding

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HLYflute Posts : 1,282 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 3:23 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I understand how you feel!  I actually had my engagement ring for 6 months (and wore it!) before we were officially engaged.  Long story short, DH bought me the ring for Christmas, but then his parents got really upset that he was going to ask me to marry him because they hadn't met me yet!!  They live in Mexico and we're in the US, so it wasn't exactly feasible.  So DH gave me the ring as a promise ring that would turn into an engagement ring... I just had to wait until his parents came up for graduation in May!  Try explaining to people why you are wearing an engagement ring when you're not technically engaged......

Anyway, it all worked out in the end.  And I"m glad we waited because otherwise we could have caused a problem with his family.  The best advice I can give you is just be patient! 

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: BriansBride2008

BriansBride2008 - That's pretty much why I joined too.

I know I'm engaged but not being able to tell . .. sigh.
I know what were doing makes financial sense, and I love the idea that one day he will surprise me and I'll get to tell everyone. 

I just hate waiting.

I don't even care if we just walk into the JOP and sign the papers.

We have both had to delay things in our lives for years b/c of other ppl. I'm just sooo tired of waiting to move through my life.

 

I just hope this feeling doesn't get worse once we move in together.  I don't think it will cause it will feel as tho we made some progress, but I worry a lot.

Thanks for letting me vent ladies, there is no one in RL I can turn to except my FH and I really don't want to pressure him too much on this issue.

 


 

 

 

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: lensappeal

lensappeal - I didn't realize it either. Most of my friends had kind of discussed marriage with their bf's but they were younger/not living together so it kinda came out of the blue for them, they were never certain it would happen.

It's been 3mos since he asked me. And he wants us to have an engagement of about a year . . .  He says it sounds like a proper amount of time . . . he wants us to marry after 5 years of being together, jokingly said I can subtract our 2yrs dating from it . . .

I dunno I think I just have a hard time leaving all this to him, I'm a very independent person and sometimes I feel as if I have no say in this. I don't want it to be all me but I'd like my say . .  . It just feels one sided atm . . .

sorry this is kinda all over the place 


  

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 7:33 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I dunno I think I just have a hard time leaving all this to him, I'm a very independent person and sometimes I feel as if I have no say in this. I don't want it to be all me but I'd like my say . .  . It just feels one sided atm

SillyGirl, that's the way it sounded to me, too, when I read your post. It sounds like he has all the control and he's making all the decisions. As a PP says, if he asked and you said yes, you ARE engaged. A ring is just a symbol and a "wedding" just means that the two of you get married--all the rest is a "party." So, you two need to have a serious discussion and decide together when you will get married, what kind of wedding you will have, how you will arrange the finances, and so on. A good marriage is a partnership, so start now to work on being partners (right now, it sounds more like parent and child).

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 13, 2007 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Dear SG,

As usual, I agree with everything Myra said. Allow me to offer a slightly different perspective.

I see the engagement as a period of discernment. You agree to get married, then during the engagement you search your soul to see if you are making the right decision. If not, then you "simply" break the engagment. That's a heck of a lot easier than getting a divorce after an impulsive, too-soon marriage.

It sounds as if your FH wants that long discernment period. You don't, and that is where the conflict lies. However, the last thing you want to do is pressure a man to marry you before he's good and ready. Answer #1: Let him have his discernment time.

On the other hand.

There are folks who live life "Perpetually Engaged". I know several  like that. They refer to each other as "fiancé(e)", and perhaps wear an engagement ring, but there never seems to be a specific date. They go year after year, decade after decade "engaged" but never quite ready for the final step.

There's a chance that your FH might be one of those. Ready for an engagement, but never quite ready for marriage. That's why I offer Answer #2: Set a limit on the discernment time.

Talk to your guy and agree on a point where the engagement will be announced, and then agree on a time schedule for an eventual wedding. Then, say nothing more.

As these deadlines approach, think again. Do the deadlines slip? Does he want to put off an official announcement another few months, and for no particular good reason?

That might be the time to cut your losses. You want to get married, not become one of the Perpetually Engaged. You need to be with a man who really wants to get married. I'm totally OK with him thinking it through, thoroughly, but there comes a time to put up or shut up.

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 8:03 AM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

not to be harsh but i have to agree with what aunt wrote because i have seen what she described happen to people and it is not pleasant

 

i agree with the idea that you should be able to set your own time frame 



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UltimatePink Posts : 367 Registered: 10/15/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Just to chime in that I too agree with aunt. My parents also see the engagement period as the discernment period. It's actually part of my culture practice. When FH talked to my parents, my mom said, "reflect on your relationship and see if its right for you. you may have thought that when you decided to get engaged, but during the engagement, make sure you decide whether or not it's the right decision". I've seen engagements break up couples who have dated for over 5 years and also lived together.

Maybe to FH, it is all about timing. It was for me. The thing is, we agreed that the timing was important. I didn't only want him to be secure financially, I wanted myself to be at a level I was happy with. I found a job I was happy with and then I told him "we" were ready to move forward as a couple. The thing is to get the understanding and mutual agreement.

I also hate to say it, but maybe you do need a deadline...


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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you all so much.
I spoke with him last night and we agreed to wait a year until we announce the engagement. (he wants time to setup the house, save and buy a ring) he hints we may announce sooner, he still want to surprise me with a public proposal.

We agreed on a 2 year engagement thats flexible enough that we can find our ideal location and book it well in advance, (aka if it's booked for the next 2 and change years, we will wait for it.)

So were looking at around 3ish years.

Apparently he was trying to make everything perfect for me so I wouldn't worry about it. Making sure we had enough time and money, plus extra back up money just incase, to make it perfect.

I was flattered but I reassured him that I would marry him wearing a garbage bag using string for rings at a drive through chapel if it meant I got to spend my life with him. He seemed to relax quite a bit.

I think me and Fh need to work a little on our communication skills to prevent this sort of misunderstanding in the years to come.

Again thank you all so much for your advice.  :) 


  

With persistence and tenacity you can achieve anything

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Engaged but not . . . I'm so frustrated
Posted: Dec 14, 2007 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

dear SG,

Three-ish years is doable.

It's now the end of the year, a traditional time for look-backs and plans-ahead. Make an appt with FH that at the end of 2008, you'll get together and seriously re-evaluate where you're at. Have you made progress towards the goal of getting married? If so, great.

If, on the other hand, he's still where he is now, then you have some grounds to do some thinking about what you want out of life.

Between now and then, just relax and enjoy all the things life has to offer a young person!

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