Awkward questions

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futurefiance Posts : 39 Registered: 9/22/07
Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 6:25 PM

Hi everyone! I'm new here. As you can see by my display name, I'm not yet engaged but I do hope I can post here.

 I have a VENT.

To give a little backstory, my boyfriend and I knew from the beginning that we're going to marry each other.  We have a set financial goal to save in order to pay for the wedding, moving, and have a nice little savings afterwards. We are only a quarter way there but with diligence it will only take about 6 months to save the rest.  We have a roughdraft of how we are going to start off our marriage in concerns with schooling and career situations. 

I'm not worried or frustrated about waiting for engagement, with the exception of normal anticipation and excitement that he also shares with me.

We work together and the problem that is starting to pop up is the dreaded question, "When are you going to get married?"  I see RED!!!

I fear of ripping into these people if I'm in a bad mood. 

I KNOW we are going to get married but for all they know our private relationship could be on the rocks and I'm desprately hanging on for the hope of a proposal before I turn into a wobbly toothed old hag!

I hate answering this question because we both want his proposal to be as spontaneous or planned out as HE wants it to be and I want to be as oblivious and suprised as I want to be!  Is that too much to ask?

This question puts pressure on me to either affirm that the proposal is an afterthought to a bygone conclusion. Or to pretend that I have no idea that I will get a proposal at all. 

It's frustating to no end. 

I want to flat out tell them that it is rude and potentially hurtful to ask this question to someone who doesn't already have a ring on her finger.  Then and only then can you assume that there will be a wedding and you can ask when it is going to be.

 Sigh

I'm hispanic and while I know that not all hispanic cultures are the same, I've been raised never to ask presuming questions of relationships.  All my relations don't do this kind of thing.  Even the odd ones that I don't like to spend quality time with.

So I think this is a big culture clash with me.  I even might go as far as putting my engagement ring on a necklace under my shirt once I do get engaged in order to avoid all those nosy questions.

Ok, I might be going a little overboard, but so help me, someone better not ask me that question at the wrong time.

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xNikkiHeartsMikex Posts : 341 Registered: 2/19/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

I was the exact same way. People always knew FH and I wanted to get married and we saved for our wedding entirely before we got engaged, but people constantly badgered us. Has he proposed? You guys haven't even set a date? Why aren't you engaged? Etc etc.

I would just be straight with them- we know we want to get married sometime in the future but we're not sure when as of now- we want the official engagement to be special and a surprise. When we do get engaged, trust me, you'll find out then." And then leave it at that. For my better friends I also told them that I'd like to plan my wedding without going into debt, having to take a second job, or putting stress on me and FH by having to really pinch pennies or cutback on our lifestyle. That usually shut people up. When people tried to argue once in a while, I would just say, "Maybe that's you but we're doing it differently. I'm sorry if you don't agree but this OUR relationship."

And kudos to you for being so responsible.. not saying that brides who pay for things as they go or after the fact are irresponsible, but I'm glad that FH and I weren't the only ones who went about it this way. I knew I was going to marry him within a week of meeting him, and he knew that about me.. so we've never felt the need to rush, etc. And we saved up the money, like I said. 


 

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BrideChica Posts : 2,300 Registered: 12/25/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 7:29 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

I know how you feel!!!!!!  We were together for over five years before he proposed.  Friends were getting married left and right and they were even having kids.  We felt the pressure, but never succumb to them. We knew that we were marrying one another from the first moment we met. 

I'd just tell people, "Whenever we are ready to get married."  That would usually shut them up.  We weren't going to jump on the vanwagon, just bc everyone else around us did.  We are now at a point in our lives, where we are ready to move on together.  I have friends meeting and getting married with the person in less time that we've been together.  That didn't bother us, we weren't ready to take that step yet.  Now we are!

Come up with something short and quick that will make people realize that its rude to ask when are you getting engaged/married.  You could borrow my line if you'd like!  LOL


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 22, 2007 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

Dear FF,

After you get married, you'll hear "When are you going to have a baby?", then you'll hear "Why don't you dress your twins alike?", or "Are you having more babies?", or "Why so many babies?", then "Why such a small house?" or "Why such a big house?", then "When are you going to retire?".

It never stops. Get used to it.

What you need is a knee-jerk reaction to busybodies. Here are a few that I use, in increasing order of rottenness:

"Thank you for your interest, but I'm not sure. I'll let you know when I know."

"That's up to Our Creator to decide."

"What is it to you?"

"Why do you need to know?"

"Mind your own business."

"Butt out."

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 23, 2007 9:02 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I was just going to say the same thing as Aunt, that the rude questions won't stop when you get married - then, you'll be dealing with the 'When are you going to have kids?' questions.


I had the same issue. My FH and I dated for 7 years before getting engaged. We weren't one of those 'live together, have kids, call each other fiance' couples - we just met in my first year of college and I had a lot that I wanted to do before getting married. Namely, I didn't want to plan a wedding while I was in college or grad school. Anyway, we dealt with that question ALL the time, and after most people had heard the answer, 'That's between FH and me,' 3 or 4 times, they dropped it. 

My FBIL has two kids already and constantly bugs us about when we're going to have kids (we're not even married yet). In this case, I have yelled at him, since my polite and not-so-polite answers haven't seemed to sink in. I think you're entitled to get pissed off if one person just won't let it go. 

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 23, 2007 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

How long have you been together?  Do you have kids together?  I will tell you that I knew my (now) DH was The One when we had been dating for 4 months and made the mistake of telling everyone I knew this information so, naturally, I was bugged relentlessly with "when are you going to get married" until he finally proposed a year and 2 days after our first date.  And I feel like we were in a special situation, that most people date for much longer, so unless you have a kid or two together, have been dating for several years, or have been, like me, proclaiming your love from the rooftops people should just BACK OFF!  lol

However, it is rude on your end to tell them that so just use AOTB's suggestions, they work well.  And if you have been dating for 5 years or have kids together kick your BF in the butt and tell him to propose already!  (If that is what you want, of course!)

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 23, 2007 1:33 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

i would not be rude to the people inquiring 

 

most people have sincere hearts and their intentions are good

 

maybe they are trying to make conversation, or just be what they feel is encouraging

 

as long as a person is not being deliberately spiteful, i would suggest being tolerant in most cases 

 

Smile



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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 23, 2007 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: FALLbrideINLOVE

Hi, I feel for you and I agree that it is rude to ask personal questions like that.  Maybe some people were never taught that it's rude, and are sincerely interested. 

However, even when you're engaged, I advise keeping the date and other details private.  People have a way of assuming they're going to be invited once you've told them the date.  Unless you can afford to invite everyone you know, this will become awkward.

I don't have any good snappy answers to nosy questions.  Usually I just don't answer at all, I either change the subject entirely or just smile at the person without saying anything.  This can let them know they've asked an inappropriate question. 


EveT

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mizhines Posts : 271 Registered: 7/31/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 23, 2007 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: FALLbrideINLOVE

To follow up with what FALLbrideINLOVE said, I found it handy to respond to that question with a question of my own (when the person asking is already married, which was usually the case):

"Well, marriage is a big commitment and we want to make sure the timing is right.  How did you know yourself?"

This puts the conversation back on them on them and keeps you from having to stammer your way through an answer or be rude.

In the end, the only thing that matters is that you know in your heart that you will be engaged soon, so hang in there!  Smile

 


"Make me a bicycle, clown!" - Wedding Crashers

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Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 8:19 AM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

I had that happen as well, but I think it was more of people making conversation.  What did they know about me?  They knew that I had been dating my boyfriend for 6 years, and so it seemed like a logical topic of conversation for them to bring up, "when is the big day going to be?"  Then after we got engaged, it would always be wedding questions, I think they forgot that I had a job and outside life.  Now that we're married, it's "how's married life?" or "when are you going to have kids?"  My response is that I was ready for marriage but am not ready for kids, and they don't really have much to say to that, so we switch to a different topic.

I really just think it's an easy topic of conversation for people to bring up, even if us bride's don't really like the questions and feel that they're a bit rude.  Just come up with a witty response, but I can't promise it'll get better, there's always SOME question! 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

My FH and I started getting wedding information together before the official engagement. A few rude people asked "Oh, but where is your ring?" Obviously, the promise ring didn't count to THEM, so I would simply say "At the jeweler". It wasn't a lie, it was at the jeweler. So what if FH hadn't picked it out yet? Just tell them "When the time is right" and change the subject. They will get the hinit.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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MrsJunebug Posts : 333 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 11:05 AM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

I always used a polite, "When we're ready," when fielding questions regarding marriage.  I will probably apply this same response to "when are you having kids?" or other situations.

I agree with the poster that cautioned advertising your specific wedding date.  I have already run into this a couple of times and allowed a couple of people to guilt trip their way onto the guest list - which is pretty much full now!

"When is the wedding?  Have you set a date?"

May 17

"Oh, I'll mark my calendar.  Can't wait!"

Um, how do I tell you I wasn't planning to invite the entire world?  When making small talk with acquaintances I now respond with "next spring." 

Of course I am also a big fan of sarcasm.  "When are you going to have babies?"

Nine months after I conceive, duh!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJunebug

Ladies,

This reminds me of a funny family story.

Years ago, my nephew was 6 and his baby sister was about a year old. He wanted to ask me when we would have kids. He was only 6, so he gets a "free pass" in the etiquette dept.

He didn't exactly phrase the question right:

"When am I going to be an uncle?" (He meant cousin.)

"When Baby Sister has a baby."

We all busted up laughing, and that has been a running family joke for years. Baby Sister is now 30 and does, in fact, have a daughter now. He is now an uncle!

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: futurefiance

My FH and I got that A LOT!!! But it didnt bother me at all. At the time we got engaged...we were dating for 2 years. Because I am 26 and he is 28...people felt that we should have been married already. Now we're hearing...why are you waiting so long to do the wedding...and all I say is so it can be perfect. (Our engagement is more than 2 years long.)


The Big Day: 9/20/08

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futurefiance Posts : 39 Registered: 9/22/07
Re: Awkward questions
Posted: Sep 24, 2007 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. 

To respond to some questions, no kids, and we've been together for 1 year and 10 months.  We don't really 'let' people know that we're a couple at work. Of course a majority of co-workers know we are a couple but only a few know for how long or any specifics, I usually don't mind their questions because they are usually respectful and cordial. 

I do mind those kinds of comments from customers, they're usually customers for a few years or more than a few years and have seen me around but barely know my name and if they know I even have a boyfriend half the time they only guess as to who it is.

I know this sounds unusual because basically that is how it is.

  We have a family business and I've grown up with having to answer question after question that are just too nosy and rude. 

So I guess it's just hard and I feel like I've reached the end of my rope now that the questions about me can directly affect how my boyfriend feels if he overhears them. You know what I mean?

I think I've come up with something that will work, from all the awesome responces that I've recieved.

It'll be a blunt answer with a very big smile,

"I don't know. Why??"

I know that many people say that people asking these questions have good intentions or it's just a manner of conversation, but unfortunatly for me it's just because I'm 27, they think I should be married, and I am fodder for gossip. I grew up with these people and keep my private life away from them for very good reasons. 

I know I sound overly dramatic but for example, when my boyfriend and I first starting going out, we couldn't even go out in public without having to actively avoid customers and being stopped and practically interigated by them if they saw us together.  Since my boyfriend is taller, he would whisper "Customer" and we would veer off in another direction or avoid eye contact and hope and pray that we could pass by with just a nod.

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