Am I Wrong? Please help

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Guest
Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: May 31, 2007 12:53 PM

My boyfriend has asked me to help pick out the ring, which I am fine with. However, I have found one that I really love, that is somewhat over his supposed budget. It is 4200, and he said he wants to spend 2000-3500. That would be fine, if that was the best he could afford. However, I know that he can afford the 4200 ring. I know he has more than that in his savings account alone. I have even told him that if he can't afford it now I would be willing to wait until he can afford it, yet he refuses. This price is way less than 2-3 months of his salary, is much less than most of our friends rings, and is one that I really love.(Not that these Societal Rules matter, but I feel that nothing matters to him except that it is low cost). Am I wrong for wanting the best he can buy me? Or is he wrong for refusing to get me the best he can afford? I would be flexible if I found a similar ring for a lower price, but it does not seem that 1 carat diamond solitaires are much less than that around here. I am stuck and don't know what to do. This is coming between us and I never wanted it to be this way, but it hurts me that he refuses to buy me the best he can afford- I feel that he does not think I am worth it. He is making me feel like I am being a bitch about this (didn't say that but that's how I feel)- do you think I am? 

Message was edited by sgrxrush on May 31, 2007 1:10 PM

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong?
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:13 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Step back for a minute here and think about the big picture... your boyfriend is about to ask your hand in marriage.  He loves you so much that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and you are about to make a wonderful commitment.

So YES he loves you that much that he wants to buy you the world... he may be thinking bigger picture, like he wants to save for a house, kids, something along those lines.  I feel like when women start talking sizes of the ring, price, etc, they forget what the ring even symbolizes... just because so and so's ring is 2 carots and mine is a half a carot, does my fiance love me that much less?  No.  

I personally would let your fiance pick out the ring on his own.. it means so much more when they find something, they do the research, and they surprise you. Who cares that your friends have 1 carot each?  Just because your fiance has a million bucks saved up doesn't mean he should spend it all on your ring... get what I mean?  He loves you, he wants to marry you, and it is sounding odd that you're that upset that he won't drop all this money on a ring so you can match your friends... think on the larger scale here, I think he really wants you to be happy and the fact that he's about to propose to you should show you that.  So just smile at him, tell him about the ring that you liked, tell him if it was the style, color, what you liked, and let him do the rest.  They can pick a diamond with a minor minor flaw (not able to be seen to any person unless under a microscope.)  He'll do the right thing, and you guys will get married :)

Congrats!

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FutureMrsP2007 Posts : 194 Registered: 12/6/06
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think you are wrong...I mean he asked you to pick out a ring. When you went ring shopping, did he tell you how much he wanted to spend? Maybe he feels that 4200$ is too much for a ring when there are so many other things out there that that money could be spent on. I dont know about your financial situation at all...but I dont think you are being a Biotch or anything like that. What if he were to get you the setting that you wanted and just a smaller diamond and then you could upgrade the diamond later, when he feels more comfortable spending that amount of money?

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KMAC11 Posts : 138 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:17 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Why would it matter what he "can" afford, or for that matter, what kind of rings your friends have?  The 2-3 months salary thing is not written in stone.  The size of an E-ring is NOT supposed to meausure you love for one another.  I do not understand how you are coming to the conclusion that he doesn't think you are worth it.  Of course this is coming between you.  Look at it from another perspective....Maybe he would rather put the extra money towards something that will actually benefit your future.  If you feel like you are being a bitch, then you most likely are.  I think you should seriously rethink this whole idea of having a big E-ring for show purposes.  It's not the glue to your relationship or your marriage.  Please do not take this the wrong way, for I am not trying to judge you....I am sincerly trying to offer advice, and if it came off a little harsh, I apologize.


** K **

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong?
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I know . . . part of me does feel petty for it. It is just that he does have a lot of money, and he spent around 2500 for a TV that will be outdated in a few years, yet cannot spend a little more than that on a ring I am supposed to wear the rest of my life? Maybe we just need to look more and I can find a nice one that I love in the 3000 range. I kind of feel like he does not understand just how expensive rings really are because we have not looked that much together yet (I have looked more on my own). Thanks very much for your help though, I do need to  focus on the big picture!

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MrsMaldonado Posts : 2,852 Registered: 3/7/07
Re: Am I Wrong?
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:22 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think you are wrong for liking what you like...we all have our opinions...but you need to understand that with a wedding coming up, you will need to save as much money as possible, whether you are paying for the wedding yourselves or not.
If he's asking you to marry him, then he loves you unconditionally; remember that.
Good luck!



BryansFiancee

Bryan & Maria Emanuela
October 4, 2008



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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: May 31, 2007 1:26 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This is why I never wanted to even look at rings. . .I've got expensive tastes, and I never wanted FH to think that he couldn't afford something that I wouyld like.  I just didn't even want to risk the situation you're in - falling in love with something that's out of his price range, or at least more than he's comfortable paying. 

Now in answer to your question, I'd let it go.  You're marrying the man, not the ring, and if you love him, than that should be enough.  Now it's easy for me to say that, because I know that if I thought my FH could easily afford a better ring, but was refusing to do so, then I'd be miffed.  Which brings me to another point. . .

Seems to me that this is a money issue, and if you've got different views on what should be financial priorities, you've got some serious talking to do about marriage.  If the reason he doesn't want to buy you the ring is because he doesn't think it's worth it, then you guys might have different values.  And that can be a big problem down the line. . .

By the way, that whole 2-3 months salary thing was completely invented by the DeBeers company.  It's not proper etiquette, it's just an advertising tool to get men to spend more money. The average price of a ring is 2,700 - less than the ones you're probably comparing your potential ring too.  Just FYI.

Also, be very very careful about comparing your ring to the others around you.  The ring generally doesn't say crap about the couple, or the happiness of the marriage. 


------------------------------------------------------------

'To the world you may be no one, but to someone you are the world."

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 3, 2007 8:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

To give a more logical answer.... is there the possibility of getting the setting you love, but with a center stone that's more his price range?  You can always upgrade the stone later on.  Also, if you get a .9 carat vs. a full carat, I highly doubt you or anyone else would be able to tell the difference, but the price difference would be huge!  Many high-end jewelers allow you to pick out a setting and then the stone so that you get exactly what you want.

To add to the others' replies, the size or price of a ring does not measure how much he loves you.  It does not mean that he feels you are not worth it. 

Also, in regards to your FH spending a bunch of money on a soon to be outdated TV, did he buy it before you two were serious about getting engaged?  If so, I can understand his purchase.  He was still technically a bachelor, spending a ton of money on a TV is a pretty typical bachelor-like thing to do.

I know my FH wasn't so smart with his money before we got serious about getting married.  He started thinking about the future, like buying a house and kids and so forth.  But he still wanted to give me a beautiful ring I would love.  He found he couldn't afford to get me much bigger than a little over half a carat, so he decided to get me the highest quality diamond he could get.  He ended up getting me a .44 carat, round, E color, vs2 clarity diamond w/ signature ideal cut.  It is the most beautiful ring, and not just because it sparkles like crazy, but because he worked so hard to get it for me because he loves me and wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me. 

I'm sorry I rambled, but I just want to point out some other options for you.  I know one thing I also did when my FH told me to point out ring styles I liked is I asked him if it was okay if I knew the price range he was looking at (I didn't want him to feel bad if he couldn't afford the ring I chose), and I looked online and gave him links for a whole bunch of rings that I loved.  He ended up choosing the perfect ring for me.

Good luck and congrats on getting engaged! 


Janelle  :)

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 3, 2007 8:55 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think you're wrong for wanting a ring that you're going to love wearing for the rest of your life.  The challenge is to find one that both you and your FH love, that you both feel is worth its price.

I also think it's great that he asked you to choose.  There may be some couples where the guy can choose the ring and surprise the lady, and they are both satisfied with it, but I think most women have fairly strong feelings about what they do and don't want their E-ring (and wedding ring) to look like, and men are not clairvoyant!

You mention a certain size diamond, but (as you probably know, but your FH might not) diamonds of equal size can vary greatly in price, according to clarity, color, cut, and just "personality," not to mention the setting.  I started out wanting a diamond around 3/4 carat, but when I found the ring I was happy with, we had to go with a much smaller diamond because of price.  In a way I would have liked him to say, "Oh, well, let's go $1,000 over budget and get you the size diamond you had in mind," and I knew that if I insisted, he would have.  But I didn't think that was the right way to treat him, he knows a lot about jewelry and was already deferring to me by buying from the company that I chose.  He has a friend who runs a jewery business and would have liked to buy there, but his friend could not come up with anything that I considered acceptable.  OK, sorry, I am getting off the subject -- My point is that the smaller diamond we ended up buying looks "right" in proportion to the rest of the ring and my hand, and it's a very high quality diamond with a certificate and everything. 

I also was careful to evaluate how the engagement ring looks with the wedding band, because the E-ring gets worn alone for just a short time.  Now that I have both rings on, I'm extremely happy with the choice.

Money was a touchy subject for my husband and myself when we were getting engaged, and I can imagine it might be that way for you too.  I would advise you not to shy away from those difficult conversations about money and priorities.  It may be scary (I know I was raised with the idea that you don't talk about money!) but if you go ahead and get married without knowing each other's feelings about money, that's even scarier.  And if it's in any way reassuring: now that we're married (4 weeks) it has gotten much easier for us to communicate about finances. 


Eve T

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 4, 2007 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

i would just give him back the responsibility of choosing the ring.  he knows what ring you like, he doesn't want to disappoint you i am sure.  my guess is that he will make a compromise somewhere!

 

you may be surprised, when the ring is on your finger you will not be thinking of the price tag.

  



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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 4, 2007 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

double post!

 



Message was edited by FALLbrideINLOVE on Jun 4, 2007 9:48 AM

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 5, 2007 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: FALLbrideINLOVE

I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him what you like, but the final decision should be his. My FH totally surprised me with my ring and I wouldn't want anything different. I have a friend who has a 10,000 ring, I wouldn't want it. It is huge, it works for her, but for me not at all. Mine was around 2500 and I wouldn't change a thing about it! I have gotten more compliments on this ring than she does on hers. It sparkles like crazy and fits me. One other thing to think about is how the diamond will actually look on your finger. If mine were bigger it would look funny because I have smaller hands. I know someone who has a bigger ring, but anything smaller would look wierd on her. But what I'm getting at is the size of the ring or how much it cost are not measurments of how much he loves you. It is the time and effort taken to find the right ring that is you.

CrystalCool June 20th 2008 I marry the person who "gets" me!!

http://www.TickerFactory.com/">
http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10100;60/st/20080620/e/our+wedding%21%21%21%21+/dt/-

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jun 5, 2007 9:55 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think you're wrong at all for choosing the ring that you want BUT him being able to afford that ring is a different story. You never know HOW he is going to propose and the size of your ring doesn't in anyway define his love for you. Example: (maybe not a great one) The day my FH proposed it was my bday and he took me shopping for my bday ... well he spent a VERY nice hefty amount of money on me and got me everything from about 7 outfits to a coat purses boots etc. THEN later on he took me and my family and his to dinner and proposed THAT same night. I can ONLY imagine how much he spent ON my ring, dinner and to top it off he bought me a bday gift which he totally didn't have to but he did that to throw me off ......... i hope you get the moral of my story.

No matter what just look around and give me two diff styles that you like and let him choose your ring. Show him about the 3 C's of a diamond. My FH didn't have ONE clue about them and I made him take a tutorial so he would get his money's worth.

 

Don't worry sweety your honey loves you and wants to build a future with you and THAT"S priceless.


November 3, 2007 I will be marrying the love of my life. Everyday I thank God for bringing us together.

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TickledPeenk Posts : 175 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Jul 20, 2007 6:38 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would also suggest looking at an .8 or .9 carat ring.  It's hard to differenciate the difference in size by just looking at it, and the price would be significantly less.  Whole carat diamonds are extremely rare so the price pretty much doubles from 3/4 carat to a whole carat.

So with a .9 carat, your honey can save some money, and you will still get the look that you like.

I suspect he wants to spend less in order to have more money for the wedding or for a home.  He may not also be aware of the going rate for rings.

My own preference is anything between half a carat and a whole carat, but brilliance and fire are more important to me than size.

I know it's hard to not be disapointed that you won't be getting the ring you love, but it's also important that you and your FH are both happy with the purchase.

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Guest
Re: Am I Wrong? Please help
Posted: Aug 5, 2007 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I can tell that you have your heart set on a one carat diamond solitaire, and can understand that due to its traditional nature.  Have you ever thought about a different stone, such as a saphire, or a different colored diamond?  I have a beautiful black diamond that sparkles and everything, and, because they aren't as popular, the stone was about 1/3 the cost of a white diamond.  It carries the meaning of the traditional diamond, but is more unique and more affordable.  Just an idea...
Mandy in Jerome...

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