Engagement Troubles

Online Users: 1,314 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 7

AshBear21 Posts : 12 Registered: 9/5/06
Engagement Troubles
Posted: Jan 24, 2007 4:13 PM

Ok, so my b/f and I have been dating for 4 years and 7 months and have been dating for a year and half long distance. We have talked about getting engaged for a while now. I thought we would be getting engaged after he was done with paramedic school, which is in April. Recently, I discovered that due to irresponsible financial spending, he can't can't afford to buy the perfect E-ring he wants to buy me or afford a honeymoon. I'm kinda pissed b/c I have been looking through Bridal magazines and even went so far as picking out the actual month and day or our wedding. Everyone in my family is on board for us to get married, but his finances aren't. He wants to get married and the whole nine yards, but now credit card debt is delaying the next big step in our lives. Any advice for a girl who thinks it's time for that engagement ring, but doesn't want to hurt her b/f's financial debt and his sanity. HELP! I've been upset ever since I found out we're both not on the same page. :( How can I make this situation brighter for the both of us without bringing up his faults and putting a damper on our relationship.

P.S. I actually went to the store where he wants to get the E-ring from and I asked them about payment plans and financing. They said there were many options available. Should I talk to him about going in and speaking to a sales person. I think that would make me feel a lot better about this situation. To at least know we tried all the options.

Sincerely,

A Firefighter's Sweetheart

Reply

bridewannabe Posts : 132 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Jan 24, 2007 4:55 PM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

Hi there,

I've heard it said that money is the number 1 cause of arguments between couples so it is good that you are finding out about this now. How irresponsible was he? did he tell you himself or how did you "discover" this? anyway, it is hard to be on the same page when you are doing the long-distance thing. I would just have a talk with him and ask him what is financial goals are, when he plans to propose, how he expects to afford a ring etc.

my fh hasn't bought me a ring yet but we are "unofficially engaged" and we BOTH have already started some planning. I know that he is actively saving money (paying off his credit card) to buy a ring within the next few months. First he has to tend to responsibilites i.e. paying off his car, paying taxes so i'm happy to wait while he takes care of things...but he was not always so good about money and neither was i. we have decided what kind of future we want so we have worked hard to "clean up" our finances. it is hard to do. we are in our late twenties, make ok money, but it is hard.

anyway, i digress....just talk to him calmly and WITHOUT accusation or blame and make sure your goals are similar and if they're not, discuss how you can get on the same page. best wishes.

Reply


BonnieJ Posts : 547 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Jan 24, 2007 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

You have to be a careful about the payment plans.  Often, they are not very long term.  Can he afford a $300 a month payment?  Can he even get approved?  If he's gathered a lot of debt, his credit may not be in good shape right now.  I am the last person to say anything to anyone about patience.  I was horribly impatient between the time that FH asked my dad to the time that he actually proposed.  But it sounds like you need to let your boyfriend pay off some debt first.  It will be easier to pay for the wedding and to set up a household after you are married.  Do you really want his debt carrying over into your marriage?  Talk to him about what he's doing to pay off his debt.  He may even need to go to a bank and get a consolidation loan.  But I really think that he needs to take care of that aspect of his life before you guys start going into further debt to pay for a wedding.

Reply
Guest
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Jan 28, 2007 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: BonnieJ

Kager, I think the payment plans are a great idea. My FBroIL got his wife's ring on a payment plan, and my FH has mine on one. He went to Helzberg Diamonds (wow their rings are beautiful) and they have 15 months no interest and his payments are reasonable. 

However if you are already in depbt I don't suggest adding a new debt to the group. I would pay off all of your credit cards and other stuff and then pay for the wedding. Perhaps your family would be willing to help you out with the wedding. FH's family is planning to help out and we will pay them back in our own time. Just choose what is best for you!! 

Reply
Guest
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Feb 3, 2007 3:20 AM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

Hi Kager! Your situation is so similar to that of my closest girlfriend. She dated her recent ex boyfriend for 5 years before they broke up. They also had a long distance aspect to their relationship for 3 years. He was not as responsible with his finances and had a lot of debt. However, they decided to purchase her ring on a payment/layaway type plan. Now the problem here is that my girlfriend was very impatient and wanted them to get married since they'd been talking about it forever. She also wanted a really expensive ring ($10,000) and of course, he wasn't in any position to afford that. Still, he went with the plan. Because of all his debts etc, he wasn't able to pay off the ring as fast as she wanted and the frustration and his financial situation got to her, and really damaged their relationship. They broke up and he still had half the balance of the ring to pay off. Needless to say he never got the ring for her. I will say to you what I said to my girlfriend during that time. She's very hardheaded and stubborn, and so she didn't take my advice.

 Most women want a beautiful engagement ring, but what's more beautiful is the sentimental value of the ring. At this time, your man is not in the optimal position to afford a ring for you, at least not what you want (it sound like). Financial arguments/strain is daunting on a relationship, so you need to address that issue first. THe best thing right now is to talk about his financial situation, and help him with a plan. Since you guys are planning on marriage, this is a great time to be open about financial standing. Take a look at his expenses against his income, and you may find ways he can cut back, and put some money towards the ring. Also, am not sure if you are determined to get a particular ring, but another option might be to get something less expensive, and you can upgrade later. The ring is just one expense, the wedding is another. You spoke about him not having the money for the wedding, is the plan for him to pay for the entire event, or did you mean he can't afford his portion? Maybe you can get some family help and you guys can pay them back. I honestly don't think this is the best time to talk to him about alternate options if his financial situation is the strain you present. If he's like my girlfriends bf, he loves you dearly and would probably opt for a plan to please you, and also for that whole male ego thing. The problem with that is that he'll be taking on an additional expense that he may not be able to afford right now, and there could be some resentment issues.

I certainly understand your frustration, but sit down with your man and try to get the finances under control, then you can determine a plan for purchasing the ring.


wedding ticker

Reply

Hartley Posts : 139 Registered: 2/8/07
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Feb 19, 2007 5:45 PM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

Feel free to reject this idea -- it's a bit strange -- but what if, instead of buying an expensive ring and following it with a more expensive wedding, you agreed with your hub for a gold (or whatever) band set with a very, very nice zirconia?  You'd save all kinds of money which can then be put to the debt and the wedding, which are higher priority.  Second, you can agree to replace the zirc with a proper diamond when finances are better.  In the meantime, you get a pretty ring for people to OOOH at, you get a wedding underway, you're being fiscally responsible, and best of all, no one needs to know.

Reply
Guest
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Feb 20, 2007 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

 maybe he wants to get his finances in order before actually getting engaged.  would you consider to compromise on the ring?  Can you just go away for a few days after the wedding, and then later on take an official honeymoon.  We are doing this, getting away for a days, then next year taking an "official honeymoon".....Good luck

Reply
Guest
Re: Engagement Troubles
Posted: Feb 22, 2007 10:35 AM Go to message in response to: AshBear21

Hi I can relate to your excitement about getting engaged...I am getting engaged and married for the third time(the excitement and anticipation only gets better!) Well, I know you want to be engaged and you may think you are trying to help the situation. However, you must allow your fiance to work these things out for himself. He has agreed to marry you and that speaks volumes. So, you may keep up your research in private...but you have to take a break and trust he will work things out. Further,  speaking from experience you do not want to go into marraige in debt. If you want to help the situation maybe you can find a way to help him pay down some of the credit card debt. Just trust your b/f will work things out.  As for the not being on the same page...maybe it's time to have another heart to heart about your relationship goals. Find out what his time frame is to pay down the debt and have him give you an idea of what his plans are. For now, buy as many bridal mags as you like and dream as much as you want. Do not let him know about the jewelry store visit ...keep all your research for later when and if he asks for help in this matter. You have got to let him be the man and allow him to work this out for you all. Hint: This will be the hardest part of your soon to be wife duties. For now calm down think to yourself for a while until you are not so upset and  talk to him about how he plans to control this debt? ...if he will need more finacial help etc.... when he plans to get the ring exactly? Unfortunately you can not control how he handles the situation you are gonna have to be patient and trust him. If you are sure you really wanna be with him. Do not let this ruin your happy time..... Just enjoy being in love and try to be patient. If all else proves not to be what you thought or want then it may be time to move on. Good Luck!

Best Wishes!

-SkaterBride

 

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine