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People who did not send wedding gifts

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,906 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Oct 19, 2007 12:33 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I know what you mean!!!  I had an adult cousin who did not give us anything, not even a card.  Even our friends who are just out of college, or even in college got us something.  Was I upset, yes!!!  I believe, even if you can not make the wedding, a card is expected at the very least.  I also found out that my cousin didn't even gift a gift to her own brother or her sister and she was the Matron of Honor!!!  My mom, my aunt and her siblings have called her telling her she is wrong for not giving us something.  

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Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Oct 19, 2007 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

We had 7 invites (couples, individuals, families) that did not even get us a card. They ranged in closeness from uncles to friends. I was shocked that two of my uncles didn't even give a card. I honestly didn't expect most of my friends to have anything. But one of our friends gave us an envelope with "from EB" on the front, a $20 bill and a condom tucked inside. If he did at least that much, why was it so hard for my uncle to write a note. I know they are seriously struggling financially, so I didn't expect a gift, but a card would have been appreciated. We had one friend come up to us and tell us "We have a year to give you something. We want to save up." I thought it was weird, at first, that they told us that, but at least they said something about why they didn't have a card. About 7 months after the wedding, my one uncle (not the finacially strapped one) wrote a check for $100 to my husband and I. I thought that was nice, unnecesarry, but nice. I just know money isn't his issue and wonder why it took 7 months, actually, I know why. He was being lazy, he doesn't even do his own x-mas shopping.

I didn't say anything to any of the people who didn't give a card or gift. In fact, other than my uncle, I can't even remember who those people were anymore. Which makes me happier because now I can't hold it against them. :)


                                       

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Oct 22, 2007 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: Jenschke

Jen, 60 gifts sounds about normal to me.  Out of the 150 people who came I'm betting that most of them were couples, possibly even a few families.  If that was the case then they would have given you one gift per couple or family, not one gift from each of them.  So, if your wedding was made up of ALL couples you would have 60x2=120 so, yes, you are short some gifts.  However, you probably had a few families in the mix there which brings you closer to a normal amount of gifts.  You have to expect, too, that some people will be financially strapped and just can't give you a gift plus others will forget  to give you one.  So, yes, I think 60 gifts is pretty normal. 

What kinds of things did you get?  Anything really great? 

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Oct 24, 2007 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: Jenschke

Jenschke,

It depends on your guests.  Do they have large families?  Consider MOST people probably have at least 3-4 people total in their family.  So, you are probably not far off on gifts.  Did some of your guests give cash instead?

If you had your friends gift delivered, it probably took 1-2 weeks to get there (on average).  And, they are probably busy finishing stuff for the wedding.  I know it too us a while to get out the "thank you" cards for those that sent them right before the wedding.  We were just too busy with wedding stuff and work.  If you do not get one in the next 1-2 months, I might just mention to them that you think it got lost in the mail.  Maybe that will get them on the ball! ;)

 


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DWife Posts : 1 Registered: 6/11/08
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 1:22 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Thank you, thank you, thank you for talking about this delicate issue. I was admonished on another website (Yahoo Questions) when I asked this same question. People were brutal to me and called me greedy and a bad friend. It made me cry to read how judgemental people were to my experience. My husband found this thread and thought it would make me feel better.

We were shocked to find so many close friends who we have given gifts to over the years (baby shower, birthday, wedding) not even give a card after dancing, drinking and eating the night away. It took 12 months of preparation for this day, countless fights with both sets of parents and my Dad paid for most of the wedding even though his job is in jeopardy because of his failing health and severe cutbacks at his job. It was very stressful and I paid for a lot of things to take the burden off of my husband and my parents. I looked for ways to make the wedding cost effective by DIY projects while taking into consideration our guest's needs.

My husband and I also play host in our little apartment and RARELY get invited in return for the holidays. I really was looking forward to their cards with heart felt messages wishing us joy and blessing our union but didn't find anything. I didn't even expect money from my friends who have tight budgets but some of these people make two or three times what I make. They are taking trips to other countries and to Vegas during the same month as our wedding, so they have some money.

I had an awful feeling that maybe some of the cards were stolen so I asked four of my close girlfriends and in fact two people had given cards and they are no where to be found. I tried to be tactful and mention that some cards were missing (my Mom's friend said she put a card in the card box but we do not have it). My parents had one set of friends that they were shocked did not leave a card and they asked them in a nice way and they responded with a heartfelt letter describing their enjoyment of each and every aspect of the ceremony and wedding along with a check for $125 dollars. It made my Mom cry to see how touched they were by the wedding, especially after so much work by all of us. The letter was so much more meaningful than the money.

I think what gets me the saddest is that people who I thought were close to my husband and I didn't acknowledge this huge risk (marriage) we are about to take with some words. Is note writing a dying art form? This wasn't just another party, and I agree with another post that it is nothing like a birthday, this is a once in a lifetime event (we hope) and it should require at least a card with some words of encouragement. A gift is nice and incredibly generous but a card should come from the heart and be a declaration of support.

october_2006 , april_2009 , southern_california
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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: DWife

I know how you feel.

I was disappointed by some of the "gifts" we got from our guests.

There were a lot of guests who didnt give us a card or anything and that was disappointing.

But what can you do...

Married 9.20.08

 

 

october_2006 , september_2008 , april_2009 , northern_california , southern_california
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: DWife

Unfortunately, it looks like you were a victim of the worst kind of etiquette breach -- someone stole your wedding wishes. You already know of at least three people who DID give you cards which you did not receive --there are probably more. And those people are probably thinking YOU are the rude one for not sending a thank you note, which is very unfortunate. The only thing you can really do is put out the word that you didn't receive any of the cards that were given to you at the wedding. (That lets those who gave you something know why you have not thanked them, at least)

Was your wedding at a hotel? I've read, unfortunately, about a lot of couples who have had their card box pillaged at hotels. Not all of them, but there are issues. Even though I am having my wedding and reception at my church, I'm asking someone to be a gift attendant.

Misty

october_2006 , april_2009 , september_2009 , southern_california
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I have a confession to make: I was invited to a wedding YEARS ago, and I didn't send a gift. Oh, I BOUGHT one...but I didn't send it. I also didn't know about the one year rule. They had a destination wedding, and I didn't live near them, and I couldn't go. I didn't know if I should mail the gift to their house, or if I should mail it to the wedding location. And if I mailed it to the wedding, then how were they going to get it home. And the things was SO fragile it wasn't funny.

It was an Irish Crystal Wedding Bowl, wherein the tradition states that as long as the bowl remains whole, so will the marriage. If the bowl breaks, so will the marriage. I got superstitious about mailing it. What if it arrived broken? Was their marriage doomed?

I still have it. For five years, it sat in its box and made me feel guilty every time I saw it. I now have it (out of the box) in a cupboard, and every time I see it, I still feel guilty. (Of course, they are still married, so I probably should tell them that I'm keeping their marriage safe in my cupboard. <G>)

Truthfully, the idea of the gift was beautiful, but it was one that the superstitious mind should not purchase when SHIPPING is involved.

I did send a card, but I never mailed the gift.... and I spent a really pretty penny on it. It was not my intention to keep it. I just never actually mailed it. (But then again, me and mailing things... we do not get on well at all. I have a tendency to write letters that never get put in envelopes. Put letters in envelopes that never get addressed. Put addresses on envelopes that never get stamped. If it gets a stamp, it makes it in the post....but getting it there -- I am the worst.)

Misty

october_2006 , september_2009
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FinallyMrsF Posts : 285 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

This will feel good to get if off my chest! Out of the 130 people invited- so say 65 couples we got 50 gifts. Some of my cousins(who work), and friends gave us nothing. An uncle of mine gave us nothing! Other family members gave far less than I thought they would. My sisters did not even give us a card! Now I did not get married for the gifts - but in my family its usually a pretty equal gift exchange. I was hurt, but now 6 months later, I don't care as much, but every once in awhile I feel bummed out about it.


october_2006 , massachusetts , october_2008 , september_2009
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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 9:41 PM Go to message in response to: FinallyMrsF

My side of the family gave nice gifts and cards, but my husbands side of the family was not generous. From 10 family members, including parents, siblings & their kids we got $60. One sister gave $50, another gave us $10 which was actually a Christmas Wedding gift combo. His parents and one sister didn't give us anything. This was after we had paid for 3 nights accommodation at a beach resort, a catered breakfast, the reception, a catered luau the next day, a kitchen full of snacks, welcome baskets & a professional mani pedi party for the ladies. Its going to take a while to get used to their level of gift enthusiasm.

october_2006 , august_2008 , south_carolina , massachusetts , october_2008 , september_2009
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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

I have never sent a wedding gift in my life. This is probably because most of the weddings I was invited to, I was invited as a child and my parents took care of the gifts in those cases. I have, however, thrown about two showers at about $1000 each. The bride didn't expect a gift in those cases. I hope this excuses me from being a bad gift giver.

I'm not married yet and I don't expect to get too many gits when FH and I get married in a couple of months. The economic situation is one thing and my family is another. Many of my relatives are not that close and they are pretty cheap too. I also have a few recent college graduates on the guest list and I don't expect them to be able to give much. I am trying to avoid disappointment by not expecting much.

It is a touchy issue, though. I read the phrase "gift grabby" a lot on this website in relation to other threads but sometimes it is just a case of wanting to feel appreciated. My uncle and his wife give sucky gifts for Christmas and I put a LOT of thought and energy into my Christmas shopping. I don't think they'll be any better at wedding gifts.

october_2006 , august_2008 , south_carolina , massachusetts , october_2008 , caribbean , july_2009 , september_2009
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TanisJ Posts : 2,673 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 10:06 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

No they probably won't be better at a wedding than at Christmas unfortunately. I was prepared for Christmas this year and was not shocked when only one sister gave us a gift and it was coffee. My husband AKA her brother doesn't even drink coffee.

october_2006 , august_2008 , south_carolina , massachusetts , october_2008 , caribbean , july_2009 , september_2009
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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: Apr 16, 2009 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

Don't worry. I learned how to deal with them. I stopped buying the expensive coffeetable books and perfumes (I like nice things and so I like to give nice things). My uncle's wife kept telling me I was too fat and so I buy her beligan chocolates every year. :) I didn't even get a gift last year. She gave my parents a set of glasses and my parents have been married for 16 years.

Oh well, you can't choose your family.

october_2006 , august_2008 , south_carolina , massachusetts , october_2008 , caribbean , july_2009 , september_2009
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SummerMrs Posts : 2 Registered: 10/25/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: May 18, 2009 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsperry

I know in today's economy it is tough for people to splurge on a wedding gift.

It does frustrate me to see some brides and grooms expecting a windfall from their guest, just as much as it frustrates me to see a bride and groom not get at least a card with a heart felt blessing and a small token of love.

Guests know well in advance your getting married. There is time to save for a gift - even if its a small one.






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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,254 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: People who did not send wedding gifts
Posted: May 18, 2009 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: SummerMrs

Most people who came gave gifts. 3 didn't--one was one of his co-workers and the other one that I remember was my best friends parents--aka my second set of parents!! THAT one hurt--not even a CARD!! The third one I don't even remember... Heck my cousin-in-law had to bring her 18 yr old brother 'cause otherwise they were gonna stay home with him (he was going to boot camp the following week)--I said WTF--bring him! Well he wrote us one of the nicest wishes in a card!! And here I had only met him once before and DH never had! We got a lot of small but meaningful gifts and that's fine with me!! The idea of not even a card just sucks! DH spends an hour picking out just the right card for the person so I know it's not because guys CAN'T pick one! And heck--his buddy from California--the airline LOST his luggage, so he went out and purchased a new present, in a city he had never been to before, that one impressed me the most! Oh and a LOT of family was from out-of-town so we had a lot of stuff delivered the weeks before and after the wedding!

 

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