FH won't discuss wedding

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Guest
FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 12:02 PM

I am wondering if any of you have advice.  After getting engaged, my FH refuses to discuss anything wedding related.  He won't discuss a date, place, etc.  He says he feels like I am rushing him or pressuring him.  He's the one who proposed.  Shouldn't he be excited about planning the wedding?  Also, we are not getting younger and I don't want to wait forever to get married.  Any advice on how to approach this?

Thanks!

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 12:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Same thing I have had to deal with for the last year and a half. And I have at least 6 more months to go. We changed our date and haven't totally decided on a new one.

 

How long ago did you get engaged? It took FH 6 months to sit down with me and look at the calendar. Don't push the subject. just casually bring up stuff that you might like at the wedding and ask him what HE would like, too. I found that my FH wants a certain style of cake (that was something I thought he wouldn't care about). FH picked out our honeymoon, too. Beleive me, I would rather go somewhere besides Cedar Point, but that was something he really wanted to do, and he promised we could go to the virgin islands for a good vacation for our anniversary.

 

Just don't go overboard talking about all wedding all the time. Guys tend to get sick of wedding talk real quick. FH watches Bridezilla with me and that's about all the wedding stuff he can stand for the day. Smile


http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;10723;126/st/20070915/e/We+Get+Married...Finally%21/k/ce42/event.png

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 1:08 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Sorry, I have to disagree. As you said, he proposed, so it's not "pushing" to talk about a wedding. You don't have to subject him to every little detail about bows and flowers, but a where, when, and what style is necessary. If he won't commit to anything, there's a problem (he probably is not ready to get married, and you have to decide how much you want to wait for him to be ready).

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 1:56 PM Go to message in response to: myra

My FH doesn't want to talk about any Wedding stuff either. He just says "do whatever you want" He's ok with the date I picked and I can put him in whatever I want. He feels that wedding planning stuff is more up to the bride. It maybe his day too, but everyone knows the bride gets the final say on everything anyways. I'd say start plannign the little things. Get ideas for the colors, maybe the season you want to get married in, think about any specail dates you may want to get married on. Our date is actually our anniversary, so our wedding day will be exactly 7years from when we started dating. Think about if you want a theme or something. Do you want an indoor or outdoor wedding? There are a lot of little things that you have to think about before you can think about a date or place anyways. I'm sure he'll come around. But you can get started on the little things.

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JenlovesDon Posts : 414 Registered: 6/20/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 3:10 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I happen to agree with Myra. My FH is all about planning and likes to be included in the decision making. I think there is something that your FH isn't telling you. Sounds like he's got a problem committing.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: JenlovesDon

Yeah, this isnt right and its not normal. Its one thing for your fiance to be disinterested in wedding planning; small details, decorations, gowns, etc. Thats pretty normal. But for him to REFUSE to discuss the wedding? Not good. Why DID he propose? It doesnt sound like he wants to get married. You say he is teling you he feels pressured? That makes no sense to me. He is already engaged to you, so the next logical step is setting a wedding date and PLANNING a wedding. Unless of course your fiance wont discuss the wedding with you. You cant just sweep this under the rug I think you need to talk to him about this. Its a definate problem that he wont talk to you about your wedding, because it means he wont talk to you about your future. My question is, why the hell not?

Best of luck, let us know what you find out.


Kelley Lynn:)

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 3:33 PM Go to message in response to: JenlovesDon

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I agree with you Jen.  First of all, why can't he set a date with you?  Now, I admit, my fiance has asked me to lay off going over every tiny detail of our wedding, but he was excited to help me set and plan the date, venue, etc.  He does get tired of constant wedding talk (which I am working on!), but we are only having a 6 month engagement and he says everyday he just wants to get married and be done with it.  That reassures me that he is excited to begin our lives together.

I would ask him exactly how long he plans to wait to get the wedding planning started, and figure out why he gave you a ring but can't move ahead with a date.   I would be really offended and hurt if my FH was acting that way.  Good luck and I hope it all goes well:)

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littlefirefli Posts : 259 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 27, 2006 11:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

When did you get engaged? My fh and waited a few months before picking a date, even longer to start pick out the church, hall, ect. Also do you talk about the wedding, in general, alot? Maybe he is intimidated by high expectations (I don't know, I'm just guessing) and realy wants to not disapoint you?

Some guys are just not into wedding planning also. My best friend's fh told her "here's my list, here's our budget, I trust you, just tell when and were to show up." She, and everyone, knows he loves her and just wants to make her happy. If she really needs his help, he'll be there. But for the most part he wants her to do what ever she wants. I think that's kind of sweet.


Daisypath Ticker

Message was edited by littlefirefli on Nov 27, 2006 11:36 PM

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 28, 2006 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: littlefirefli

We have been engaged for a month.  He says that we just got engaged and we don't need to rush into planning the wedding.  The problem is that because of work and graduate school, we have to get married in either June or July 2007.  I don't think he realizes how long it can take to plan a wedding or how difficult it can be to get a location/church etc. 

I appreciate all the advice.  It confirms that my feelings have been accurate.  I'll keep you posted.

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 28, 2006 6:05 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Yeah, if you're wanting to get married this summer, you definitely need to get on the ball and start planning. FH and I waited too long already to start actually doing wedding stuff, and we have no where close to us that we like to get married. And to think we were originally going to wait til January to start booking.

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 29, 2006 11:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

When my FH and I first got engaged he wouldnt really dicuss it either. He had the idea that we just got engaged and we didnt need to rush the planning. He originally wanted to have a VERY long engagement. I found out later it was mostly for financial reasons knowing I would want the BIG wedding. I let it go for a few months but then I just had to start planning because like you I wasnt getting any younger and we have been together for 6 years. Its time to get this show started. (hehe) So I started researching venues and narrowed down a few dates on my own.  When I brought up the idea of having it on a yacht it perked his interest and I got him to agree to go see the yachts. He loved the yachts but he still wouldnt book it, though, I had the girl pencil a date in for us.  He finally agreed to booking it when another couple was trying to take our date. Hook, line and sinker!! HAHA! But even now ,and we are 3 mos into planning and 8 mos till the wedding, and he still isnt all into it. He does want a say (opinion)in everything but doesnt want to do the leg work and be involved the details of the planning.  He gets mad sometimes though because he thinks I am obsessed with the wedding so I tried to calm down on it a bit in the last two months but after the new year I am going at it again full force. I sat him down the other day and told him that after the holidays we were going to have to get back into the wedding plans and he would need to start getting more involved. He just kind of rolled his eyes but I know he will be more involved. Some guys are just more into it than others. Another  thing- my FH  has been married before and already planned a big wedding so its not the same as a first wedding the 2nd time around.

It does make you feel as if maybe he doesnt want to marry you but he should not have proposed if he didnt want to really do it. I look at it like this- I never pressured him into proposing so I figure if he took the time to get a ring and propose, he wants to marry you but could just be nervous or stressed about paying for it.  Also- guys dont realize how much time and effort it takes to plan a wedding. My FH thinks we have plenty of time. I dont want to be stressing the last 2 mos trying to get everything done.  But hes not doing most of the work so he wont be as stressed as me. (unless I turn into BRIDEZILLA) haha

 


 

James and Lara 7/28/2007

 

www.jamesandlara.com

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 30, 2006 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, I couldn't handle it and I made him talk...he doesn't want to start thinking about the wedding for 6 months and would be fine with a year of planing after that.  That doesn't work by my schedule, but maybe December 2007 would be a compromise.  The only problem will be getting a place reserved at the holidays if we wait 6 months to start planning.  I like your idea of getting some ideas and pencilling in a date and then approaching him.  I don't need his help with any of the planning once we have a date and place.

 

 

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RockysGirl Posts : 1,125 Registered: 10/24/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Nov 30, 2006 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

When we first got engaged, Rocky wasn't ready to start planning either.  His opinion was that we just took one step, we should now take the time to enjoy that before jumping into the insanity of planning.  He is and always has been totally ready to be married, it is just the wedding itself that sort of freaks him out.

I found that at first it was easiest for me to just do research instead of actual planning.  I looked online at dresses, venues, flowers, everything.  I got magazines and books and just planned things in my head.  I know this doesn't help with securing vendors, but at least when the time comes, you are ready to just jump into things.  You have the details worked out, you just have to do it now.  This will help give him room to breathe while you can feel better about the planning.


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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Dec 1, 2006 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: RockysGirl

We've been engaged since July and are even more in love now than we were then, but FH has not yet taken the step that I feel he needs to take, which is to tell the priest we want him to marry us.  FH had no problem flying across the U.S. to meet my family and tell/ask each of my parents that we'd like to get married in 2007.  He was perfectly happy about that.  Also perfectly happy shopping for a ring.  (Before we got engaged, FH bought me a gorgeous friendship ring which I wear on my left ring finger, and we agreed we will order the engagement ring as my Christmas gift and he'll give it to me on Valentine's Day.)  And he WILL discuss ideas for the wedding and honeymoon, no problem there.

He doesn't give any reason for being hesitant to talk to the priest, except that he doesn't necessarily see it as his responsibility, he'd be happy for me to go ahead and do it but I don't want to.  I feel that conveying the news of the engagement to the clergy is the one thing the groom needs to do.  I've mentioned it to FH a couple of times in the context of, "You know, time is passing and if we don't set a date, the church may not be available on the day we want."  The last time we were at church together, FH did say to the priest on the way out, "I have to come and see you," but he hasn't called him or anything yet. 

I am just figuring it won't do any good for me to nag about this, so I am sitting tight and having faith that in God's time he will have that conversation.  If we don't get married on the date I have in mind (early May), it won't be the end of the world, I can wait until June or July.  It's to be a small, simple event so the planning will not take many months.  I'd rather have FH feel comfortable about it than to look back and feel he was rushed or pressured.  He is a man of his word and I have no doubts about his sincerity in wanting for us to spend the rest of our lives together.  I believe God brought us together, and God will lead us to a marvelous wedding if we open ourselves to possibilities, which includes me letting FH talk to the priest when he feels the time is right.

We are both recently widowed, and there are issues for both of us in coming to closure over the loss of our spouses, so even though FH doesn't say that this is the reason (or a reason) for the delay, I'm sure it comes into his mind.  The last thing I'd want to do is nag him and seem disrespectful of his late wife.


Eve T

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Guest
Re: FH won't discuss wedding
Posted: Dec 1, 2006 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Maybe you should schedule an appointment for the two of you to speak with the priest...together.

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