I'm really confused, I need advice

Online Users: 0 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 24

Belinda Posts : 5 Registered: 4/5/06
I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 3:48 PM

My fiancé and I have been having fights for a while. It’s mainly over people saying things to me that he has done, for example like going to the bar and then him lying to me about it. We’ve had that fight a lot over the past year. Well my best friend (who does not live in the same state as me) called me and told me that two of her friends told her that they both saw my fiancé at the bar, of course he denied it, as usual. Well my best friends friend told her exactly what he was wearing, yellow shirt, khakis pants and tennis shoes. I told him that and he said why would I wear khakis to a bar and I said I don’t know, but you were wearing that same outfit earlier when we went house/trailer hunting because we’re ready to get our own place. Well we were talking about something and he told me that he woke up with a really bad headache Sunday morning because him and his friend (who by the way I do not like or trust one bit) were drinking Saturday night. He was suppose to be going down south (Louisiana) to work but his friend hydroplaned and they had to go back to the house. He said that his friend had a fifth of some kind of hard liquor in his back seat but he could not drink it, so my fiancé drank most of it. He said that he didn’t remember half of their ride home and I popped off well then you could have gone to the bar if you didn’t remember driving home. Then he said did you just accuse me of going to the bar and I said no I said that you could have been too drunk to realize it and ya’ll could have gone to the bar. He said your friend might be telling the truth, he said let me call my friend and see if we went. I said okay whatever. Well he called me back and said that his friend said that they stopped by the bar for a few minutes and he was about to tell my fiancé something about him, but the guy’s boss walked in and he told my fiancé to call him back.

I haven’t found out what happened, but my best friend said that her friends told her that he was dancing all over some girl.

I don’t know what to do. Do I break up with him since this isn’t the first time that he has been to the bar (without me) and lied to me about it. He’s lied about three times going to the bar and then he called me about two weeks ago and told me that he went to one got a beer and left. What do I do....Please help me.


Belinda Turner

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

I would be worried about the lying, period. If he lies to you about one thing, then where does it stop? Are you mad he is going to bars or just that he is lying? Regardless, I would not let the lying go lightly. Perhaps if he is willing, seek counseling both alone and together. It sounds like he may have a problem of some kind (habitual liar?) that he is not sharing with you, and that could be the reason he feels the need to lie to you. A therapist/psychiatrist could help figure that out.


Daisypath PicDaisypath Ticker

Reply

newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 4:44 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

This does not sound like a healthy relationship.  First, it sounds like your FH just plain has a drinking problem.  It is NEVER OK when someone drinks to the point of not remembering.  Also, I don't know the whole story but it sounds like you don't want him going to the bar but that he goes anyway and then lies about it.  What else could he be lying to you about? 

*

How long have you two been together?  We need some more info but with what you told us I don't think you are in a great relationship and definitely shouldn't be marrying this man until you get things straightened out. 

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would be worried about him lying and perhaps flirting with other women but that's it. My husband has lots of single friends and they go out every week to a bar and play pool and have fun. There are women there and yes some of them are devious (we call them tag chasers 'cause they're after the military guys only) but I don't think it's bad for my husband to be at a bar. Maybe your guy feels like he's being accused of something that there's nothing wrong with or maybe he just feels like he doesn't get enough guy time. If he was flirting with girls there is no excuse for that and you should talk with him about it (not necessarily break up with him but talk it out and find out why he was doing that) but I'm not sure you should be mad that he went out with his friend to do a little drinking and have some "guy time".

Reply

SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 5:44 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

He lies to you on a regular basis and he has a drinking problem. Those are red flags and you should not ignore them. 

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Dear Belinda:

Break. It. Off.

Please believe me. Little problems during an engagement turn into big problems later. Big problems during an engagement will be monster problems later.

Your heart is telling you that this is not the man for you. Listen.

Reply

Belinda Posts : 5 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 9:42 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Oh I not mad at him that he had some "guy time" because me and girlfriends get together whenever we can. We have been together for two and a half years and I have never once told him that he could not do something and I have also never told him who to be friends with. So I do not see why he has to not tell me where he is going. I don't mind if he goes to a bar because he does go and play pool and have a few beers. The only thing that I have told him is that if you go to a bar, then I get to go to a bar with my friends and he does not like that. Which is totally unfair to me in everyway.

Belinda Turner

Reply

serendipity3033 Posts : 363 Registered: 5/11/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 9:54 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

auntofthebride is absolutely right... Be thankful you are seeing the signs now rather than later!  Be strong honey, we are here for you!!!!!

 

Reply


66nova Posts : 346 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 1:22 AM Go to message in response to: serendipity3033

You see the signs and red flags already.  Lying about going to the bars and putting his life in danger (getting drunk and then driving with his buddy) is totally uncalled for.  It's not even going out, it's the fact that he's LYING to you about it.  Things won't change, they'll only get worse.  I can only imagine what else he may be lying about.  Stay stong, keep your head high, and don't let him walk all over you.

 

Support bacteria... they're the only culture some people have.

 

www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JanetSaenz&BenjaminMcDaniel

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 1:34 AM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Ah, ok. So he doesn't go to bars all the time you're upset because he went out a few times to a bar when he doesn't want you to go, right? I think lots of these ladies are jumping the gun on the drinking problem thing and I don't think that was the meaning of your post. For all we know these incidents happened over several weeks or months. My father had a drinking problem so I know how to recognize the signs but it doesn't seem like you're worried or upset about the drinking so I'm going to address what you seem to be upset about. I would really sit down and talk to him about it. Start off the conversation that you're totally not against him having his "guy time" and you want him to still have his own friends but you also want to be able to go out without feeling like you are being restricted to certain activities. Tell him that if you aren't allowed to be in bars that you don't think it's fair for him to go. Ask him why he doesn't want you going and reassure him that a night out with the girls, even involving drinking, will not end with you dancing on tables. If he continues to go without telling you maybe suggest counseling to figure out why he feels so strongly on this point about you and doesn't understand why the same rules should apply to him.

Reply

Belinda Posts : 5 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 9:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

No he doesn't go to bar all the time, he only goes with one of his friends (who I do not trust at all), they play pool and have a few beers. He's not an alcoholic either, he hardly ever drinks. Yes, I have told him that I don't trust this friend and I think that he finally sees it now. I just feel like he doesn't want me to go to a bar because he feels like something will happen, but I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since June (at my girlfriends bachlorette party). Its not the fact that he doesn't want me to go to a bar, its the fact that he can do something and I can't. I don't tell him what to do or who to hang out with, but he thinks that he can tell me who to be friends with and who to hang out with. I've only told him three people that he couldn't hang out with and that's because they were starting stuff and being totally immature.

Belinda Turner

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Why would you consider marrying a liar?

Also -- someone who lies about drinking and visiting bars is giving you a BIG red flag that they have a drinking problem.

Reply

Belinda Posts : 5 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 11:53 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

He doesn't have a drinking problem. He'll tell me that he's gone to the bar, after the fact that he does it (one time). I know that he lies, he's lied most of the time since we've been together, but I can always tell him he's not telling me the whole truth. I know that he lies and that is a problem, but he doesn't lie to me about drinking.

Belinda Turner

Reply


lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 12:10 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

You typed 'He said that his friend had a fifth of some kind of hard liquor in his back seat but he could not drink it, so my fiancé drank most of it. He said that he didn’t remember half of their ride home and I popped off well then you could have gone to the bar if you didn’t remember driving home. Then he said did you just accuse me of going to the bar and I said no I said that you could have been too drunk to realize it and ya’ll could have gone to the bar. He said your friend might be telling the truth, he said let me call my friend and see if we went. I said okay whatever. Well he called me back and said that his friend said that they stopped by the bar for a few minutes' 

He does have a drinking problem and a lieing problem. Anytime someone drinks and doesn't remember where they go while they are drinking has a drinking problem. It's my opinion that your fh doesn't trust you. He probably doesn't trust you to go to the bar with your friend's because of what he does with his friend's when he goes to a bar.

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 26, 2006 2:10 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

That scenario is NOT necessarily a drinking problem...it is being young and stupid and not thinking about consequences.  It does not indicate that he is an alcoholic, period.

 

The bigger issue is the lying and defensiveness.  If your fiance is lying to you about anything right now, then you should definitely consider breaking this off.  Lying is a sign that you are not compatible!  He feels like he has to lie to you b/c he is deliberately doing things that you don't approve of, or he is lying to keep you from doing the things you want to do (ie going out with your girlfriends).  This signals incompatibility and it WILL NOT CHANGE.  It seems like you do have some decisions to make but you are on the right track. 

K


Daisypath Ticker

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine