called off the wedding....

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 6:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree w/ the 2 previous hard a$$e$.  Do you think it will be any easier to deal w/ him and/or leave if you have kids?  If you have a house?  Why do you feel sorry for him?  Drop him and work on your own self.  You need help w/ your self esteem if you think this is your fault or that you deserved it.

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tanalynn Posts : 491 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Okay I am reading this right he hit you when you were talking to your mom for no reason. Can I say CRAZY. You should leave. Enough of the he doesnt have anywhere to go that is his problem and not yours. So make him leave and he can figure it out on their own. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF

Tana & Mark

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You're being ridiculous, plain and simple. You did not cause this man to be an abuser and if his mother raised him so well why does he think it's ok to hit women? I've never hit my husband he's never hit me so the fact that you two hit each other at all and think it's normal is a big BIG red flag. It was not CAUSED by you. Did you take his hand and hit yourself in the mouth? I'm best friends with my ex, talk about him in front of my husband too and he doesn't haul off and smack me. Oh, and if he has a job he can find somewhere to live, it's not that difficult. Tell him to go to a hotel or go get another apartment or go stay with a friend. As for putting your relationship in God's hands...do you think that God would want you to sit here and suffer this abuse? That he wants this man to beat you and treat you like you don't matter. I know it's harder to say leave than do it but some of these ladies have been in your place and are a testament to the fact that you CAN leave and be ok. My own mother left my father and while it was tough at first for her with two kids and no college education she made it work and today she's so much happier. I'm sorry to be harsh but it makes me sick when women think that this behavior is normal because it only sets a bad example for younger women that accepting this type of behavior is ok. I hope you realize you deserve better than this and that staying isn't going to solve anything, only put yourself in more danger.

Message was edited by stefanielyn on Oct 24, 2006 6:51 PM

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 7:05 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

"..he didn't hit me that he was trying to stop me from hitting him and his hand accidently hit me."

 

Sweetie, you don't EVER "accidently" hit somebody. Stop making excuses for him and get the hell out of there before you end up dead! It will be too late then. Get help now while you can!

 


Queen for a day, King for a lifetime!




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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 7:47 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm gonna give you some advice that my mother gave me when I was very young:

You ask for every hit after the first one.  Simple as that.  Get the hell out and don't give him the chance to do it again.  You can't control him...but you can control you. 

Sorry.  I have no patience for this "he's staying with me," "he didn't mean it," "it's my fault" nonsense.  You know what to do or you wouldn't have posted this question.  Remember, a mercy marriage is always harder than a breakup.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 8:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am sorry but I agree with every single person on this thread.  If he is staying with you, get a restrainig order, have him escorted out.  IT'S YOUR HOME!!!!!  I am sorry, but you posted you called off the wedding, when you really postponed it.  do you really want to wait around until you get back from your honey moon and find out Amber gave birth to his kid???  and now your married someone else is the mother of your husbands child, and he don't care what you think.  and as for him acidentally hitting you, did he trip and fall.  My FH hit me in the head with a door on accident because he didn't realize I was on the other side trying to fix the mat on the floor, I had an egg on my forhead for a week from where the lock it me.  That guy did everything for me for that week, he felt so bad he cooked all meals, did all the laundry.  If felt bad, he felt very bad and did everything under the sun trying to make it right.  HE DID NOT TALK TO ANOTHER GIRL WHO I DIDN'T KNOW TO MAKE THINGS "BETTER".  That my friend is an accident, your "FH" HIT YOU ON PURPOSE.  do me a favor and just watch the movie Enough with J-Lo.  tell me if your situation looks familiar or not.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hey Patiently,

 

It's so ironic that you have posted this today. I was listening to a radio show today called "The Michael Baisden Show" and domestic abuse was the topic. A really good point that they made was the fact that alot of women that believe in the Lord, use that as an excuse of staying with an abuser. Saying exactly what you have said, putting it in the Lord's hands and praying. Praying alone isn't enough, you have to "act" as well. Which means move yourself out of that situation.

 

You don't want to marry this guy and then down the road, when he feels that he really has you trapped (marriage) he really starts beating on you, move you away from your family, or kill you. I've heard too many stories, and if you two have children together, they will suffer as well. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!!! He doesn't have the right to hit you. Your mother probably told you to handle it yourself (I know not exact words) because she already knows that a woman only leaves when she's ready.

 

He got upset because you wanted to postpone the wedding. Last time I heard about someone trying to postpone their wedding was shot in the head 6 times in front of her children. And this action came out of no where. I'm certainly not trying to scare you but I am trying to make you AWARE, of what you're really involved in. There was no way that I was going to pass up this post, and not share the information that I heard. I'm sure that your dad would change his mind about him, if he knew what this man did. But then again, if he hasn't learned himself then you never know. Seeing your own mother go through this cycle of abuse, should be a big enough red flag for you. You know as well as anybody what abuse can do to a child, you witnessed it first hand. Break the cycle of attracting the same type of man your father was or is.

 

We all know that it's hard, but you are more worthy than this. You deserve more than this, and you should EXPECT more for your life and the man you choose to share your life with. Please keep us updated on what's going on, I'm sure that everyone here will be thinking of you and hoping for the best.


 D.S.......KissSoon to be Mrs. Stovall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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storm0075 Posts : 416 Registered: 7/9/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I wasn't going to say anything but I can't keep my mouth shut...when I wasa younger I watched my best friend be abused by her boyfriend. She even stayed with him after he threw a brick at her head and she landed in the hospital. She finally left him when he pulled a gun on her because she threatened to leave. She got a restraining order and after time he was finally out of her life. I have to agree with everyone else and say RUN!!!!!!!!!! If he does it once he WILL do it again. I went through all of the rationalizations with her. I cried myself to sleep because at 15 I didn't know what else to do except hold her hand. I and I am sure many others here have been through enough games and heartache and have felt before that we have found a great guy but something holds us back. When you find the right guy you will know it down deep into your toes that this is the one. You already have doubts about some very serious issues. You don't have to answer it here, but please, please just think and look deep down into your heart, do you really think that this is what you deserve, that there is no one better out there? Before I met my FH I met a guy and moved him into my house from several states away. I kicked him out after two months because  iwas tired of the lies and the last straw for me was when he invited some female to my house when I was going to be out of town. I thought he was great at first and yes I did love him at one point but he killed that love with every lie he told me. You CAN kick him out, it may not be easy emotionally but it can be done. Please just think about what everyone has said and do what is best for yourself.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

It's really not as complicated as you think it is.  Many people live together and break up.  You're not being 'rude'.  I'd say hitting you is 'rude'.  It's simple.  Dump him.  Kick him out.  First flight out to wherever it is you said he's from.  Or you could marry him, enjoy his beats over and over until perhaps he kills you and maybe as a bonus you could have kids together and he could beat them too.  Or just beat you in front of them.  That's nice too.  And you said your family loves him???  Loves a man who hit you???  Obviously standards are being set a wee bit low.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 11:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

First off honey, in response to it being easier said than done, I will give you that one.  I was told "I love you but I hate you" then my ex proceded to knock me to the floor, attempt to strangle me, then hit my head off our kitchen stove as my neighbor stood outside screaming at him at the top of her lungs to get off of me.  All I could think of at that moment was that i was going to DIE while my toddler son was sleeping down the hallway.  And you know what?  Two restraining orders and a year later, I finally had the courage to leave him.  I didnt want to listen to anyone, I made excuse after excuse, but ONE person finally convinced me to seek some help.  I kept going for that help, I liked how I started to feel about myself.  AND, about a year later I was able to finally LEAVE... and I was afraid when I did it.  I didnt know what would happen to me or my son.  I didnt know where we would go, but I found people to help me.  I found family to help me, and I got back on my feet and realized that I didnt need the a$$hole in my life.  My ex-MIL told me I was selfish for leaving, but I realized it was the most UNSELFISH thing I ever did.  Honey, get some help.  There are so many people out there that have the resources for you to get away from that situation.  PLEASE dont let yourself become a statistic.  The worse part is that you KNOW you deserve better, but you're not letting yourself accept that.  And what does him being a virgin have to do with it?  Just cause you have shared a "moment" with him DOES give him any right to turn into a major DICK HEAD over it.  ANd honey, if you were to kick him out  because you "need your space" that is not RUDE... hitting you in the MOUTH is rude (let alone while your on the PHONE!!!).  Good GOD I wanna go kick him in the cookies!  Good luck honey, you are in our prayers, but the Lord leads you towards different paths in your life, it is still ultimatley up to no one else but you to decide which path you are going to follow?  Are you going to get away and go down a path that has endless opportunity?  OR, are you going to get yourself beat into the path that leads you no where?  Your choice, but just remember, you will never be alone no matter what.  

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serendipity3033 Posts : 363 Registered: 5/11/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 10:10 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Fritz brings up an excellent point... What to do when people ask What happened???  I think too many women fear this question and shy away from doing whats best for them!  You must be STRONG!!!!!!   Remember HE is the one with the problem!!!!!!  We are allllllll behind you!!!!!!


 

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Now, don't get me wrong when I say this, but maybe it's good that this happened now, before you did get married.  You can try to work things out, but it may never be the same since he did hit you this time.  Another girl calling him on your phone too?  I think that makes it worse.  Just because all this stuff has never happened before, it could keep happening now that it has.....Good luck with working out everything!!

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Dancer Posts : 316 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I didn't want to answer this post because i don't like to mix my profession (social work) with pleasure. However i now feel compelled to say something. First of all take a deep breathe and step outside of the fact that a wedding was planned to occur. A wise woman once told me that if the cons outweigh the pros of any situation, then let it go. Ask yourself the following:

Can i stay with someone that i can not trust?

Can i stay with someone who physically hit me?

Why do i love him?

Do i really love him or the idea of being in love and married?

Only you can answer these questions. And i hope you decide what's right for you.

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Sweetie LET me tell you something. . . I spent 7 years in an abusive relationship that started when I was 14 years old.  I was FINALLY able to see the light and got out of it at 21.  I have two BEAUTIFUL girls by this man.  I first gave birth at 18 and then at 20.  FOR YEARS I walked around thinking that the abuse was MY FAULT.  I believed EVERY SINGLE WORD that man put against me to KEEP ME DOWN BELOW his level.  He called me EVERY NAME in the book and ALWAYS told me the abuse was MY fault.

 

Now the PHYSICAL abuse didn't start until the last 3 years of our relationship AND I ignored the signs BEFORE it all hit the fan.  I remember one incident when I was about 16 and he became EXTREMELY jelous because some other guy had liked me and accused me of cheating with this guy and while we were arguing about this situation in my grandparents home, he told me that he was SO P'D OFF that he wish he could hit me!  So in the back of my head, I'm like "yeah right!"  So STUPID me, I told him well if you think your man enough than just do it!  I honestly DID NOT think that this man would draw back his fist and hit me. . . but he did.  I got a HUGE busted lip, my family wanted to KILL him.  But what did I do?  Oh no, leave him alone, it was ALL MY FAULT!!!  That was a HUGE WARNING SIGN!!!  SO I took him back, and I continued to see him AGAINST my family's wishes.  Now he was pretty cool, he made sure he didn't do any wrong, he was like a whole new person, UNTIL. . . . at 17 I got pregnant and 18 we got an apartment together.  

 

So we were living together, he, myself and OUR baby girl.  Life coudln't get any better right?  WRONG!!!  That is where the S**T hit the fan!!  FIRST came the verbal abuse, "OH your too fat, you've gained too much weight since the baby.  Lose some weight.  Your too lazy, clean the house or something.  IF you leave me, NO other man is going to want you cause your too fat.  That man is ONLY going to use you for sex and then leave your fat @ss!"  THEN came the physical abuse, fighting IN FRONT of our baby girl and I mean WWF SMACK DOWN cause at THAT time my motto was, I AIN'T NO PUNK, I'LL WHIP SOME TAIL, MALE OR FEMALE!!!  So we were goint at it WAY too often.  Then came his spending the ENTIRE weekends out of the house, he wouldn't call or anything so I spent from Friday to Monday worrying about his sorry @SS!!!  Then I got pregnant with our second child.  And I thought that just maybe for a moment, things would get better.  YEAH RIGHT!!!  Even though he bought me an engagement ring and purposed, he kept his fists on guard.  Then came the fighting WHILE I WAS pregnant!!  He continued his all weekend out of the house pattern with out call, WHILE I WAS PREGNANT, OH YEAH AND SPEAK OF DISRESPECT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!!!  He has even brought a female into OUR home to sleep with on occasions while I was away visiting MY family with the kids.  AND HE WAS SO CLEVER ABOUT IT TOO!!!  

 

He would ON PURPOSE pick fights with me and get me ANGRY with him and since he knew that I was NOT trying to fight with him any more, he KNEW that I would just leave and that is what I continued to do. . . . UNTIL I BECAME CLEVER and caught ON to his mess!!!  Then I just stopped leaving!!  Now the mess continued UNTIL, one evening, I told him that I was tired of his S**T and I was leaving.  That is when he just ALL OF A SUDDEN wanted to change!!  And then I'm like, OK, I was NOT born yesterday SUCKER!!!!  But one evening we had an argument about ME LEAVING and I'm like you can't make me stay no matter WHAT you do, I don't care if you got struck in a head with a brick and didn't know who the HELL you were anymore, I'M STILL LEAVING!!!  THEN the straw the broke the camels back happened, he THREATENED TO PULL A GUN ON ME!!!!  THAT WAS IT!!! I WAS TIRED AND TOO THROUGH!!!  NOW I knew he had a gun locked up in the closet although I have NEVER seen it close up, I was NOT going to sit around and wait until I did either!!!!   

 

I grew tired, the routine became weak and old.  Needless to say that I did get help, my children were REALLY small at the time so they really didn't remember too much about the crazyness that was going on, but I can't help but wonder what if?  What if I didn't leave and decided to stay.  What if I pissed him off again, IF he had the nerve to threaten me with the gun then, sooner or later he would have eventually pulled it out and maybe, just maybe put it to use.  Oh he bacame a sorry sack of S**T afterwards, cause he didn't think I would gain enough confidence and strength to leave him.  His mother would call me saying that he's thinking about commiting suicide, can you please talk to him.  And I'm like look, I need to work on ME and MY CHILDREN, I don't have room to worry about anyone else!!!   To this DAY, I can say that the shoe is on the other foot.  Now HE'S the one who is FAT (6ft 2in 300lbs), gross, can't keep a steady job, he's been married for 6 years now and every other year, they are seperated!  Perfect example of what goes around, comes around right?  But most importantly I found the courage, the strength, the confidence and I stopped blaming myself because NONE of it was MY FAULT.  I KNEW that I deserved better, it took me some time but NOW, at 32, I HAVE better.  I have A WONDERFUL husband who is MORE than patient with me, kind, loving, affectionate, compliments me on a daily basis and he loves my girls as if they were his own.  We have a beautiful daughter together who is now 4 and I couldn't be any happier.  Now you mentioned that you will just put it in the lords hands and let him deal with it.  Put it in his hands true, but at the same time you need to get away from the crazyness and work on YOU!  In due time you WILL be blessed with someone who will NEVER think about putting his hands on you NO MATTER WHAT you do to piss him off!   

 

PLEASE stop making excuses for him and LET HIM GO!!!  You need to get yourself together and you WILL SEE that NONE of it is your fault.  If you need to call police then do so. . . his family being in the Virgin Islands has NOTHING to do with you.  Don't feel sorry for him!!!  That is what I did and BECAUSE I felt sorry for him, he knew exactly what buttons to push!!!  He's playing you like a puppet on a string.  PLEASE cut the strings loose and MOVE ON!!! DO NOT become another stastic of abuse ending up in DEATH on the news!!!!  This is happening WAY too often now, I don't know if it like that where YOU are, but here in NY, it's at least EVERY other day! 

  

 

You WILL be in my prayers!!!




Message was edited by RoBelle on Oct 25, 2006 10:44 AM

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 25, 2006 1:04 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You said your father hits your mom and they make up- WHY???? A woman is NOT obligated to make up with her husband/fiance if he hits her. Don't you dare think that you need to make up with Juan.

 

I know you don't want to hear this again, but you really need to get out of that situation. Don't compare him to other guys you have dated, because apparently they weren't right, that's why you're not with any of them. I know it's hard to leave someone who you felt so comfortable with. I was with my ex for 3 years when I finally told him to go to hell. He used to hit me too. It will only get worse. In fact, think ahead a few years down the road. You two having kids and everything. Do you really want your children to see this stuff going on? Even if he never hit you again (which is doubtful since he has already hit you twice), what about the fact that he was calling some other chick? From your future kids' point of view, I know what it is like to grow up with the dad constantly cheating on the mom. I can't tell you how many times that I, a 5 year old, sat there in the bedroom hugging my mom so maybe she wouldn't cry anymore.

 

Don't put your future kids through any of this, please.

 

oh, just one more quick question. What does your family think about the fact that he has hit you twice? Do they still love him? If they do, I'd tell them to go to hell too.


 

Soon 2Be Mrs. Patton


Message was edited by Nightflyerswmn on Oct 25, 2006 1:06 PM

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