called off the wedding....

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Guest
called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 8:05 AM

i don't know how to say this but i think this is the best way to get things off my chest. during my midst of planning everything went all wrong from the place of the ceremony/reception, to my maid of honor telling me what she thought about us getting married, to me and the groom now having a weak realtionship, i don't know where to say things actually went wrong. I guess my ideas of how i wanted things, how things should be perfect just messed his head up. I can't tell you guys how everything just really changed. If i told you this you wouldn't even believe it. But anyway, the other day, me and my now fiance were talking, actually i was talking to my mom about who had seen the day earlier, which had NOTHING to do with juan. So little mr.nosey had to be so childish about it and interupt me and my  mom's conversation, now me being the person i am i let him put his say so in it....when i begin talking again he hits me in the mouth (mind you girls this NEVER happened before)....ok, that was the LAST STRAW. so, i waited awhile to talk again, and he does it again interupts being sooooo rude. so what do i do, i hit him  back, yes getting him back for the time that he hit me so this is where the big fight go down. Mind you ladies, 5 minutes has passed, i end up with a swollen lip and he has no visible marks, I should have called the police, but in this state of SOUTH CAROLINA, thats considered to be DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. and trust  and believe he was going to serve some time. so i had to think about it. he has absouletly no family here, all of them are in the VIRGIN ISLANDS, which i kindly took in to consideration.

well, anyways, we had a conversation about the wedding and decided to hold it off another year or two, i guess that really pissed him off. It made me  upset, but i think that it's the best for me and him to fully get to know each other, as two people before we even think about becoming one? right or wrong? i don't know.

so we start a new day, sorry ladies i just felt i needed to vent,  everything feels weird, from the start of the morning i don't feel right, its like i got a guy next to me that i don't even know anymore a complete stranger.  so i end up telling him, that i think that we spend way to much time together. we need some time apart. a little fresh air, mind you he's not into the things that i'm into, like partying,or hanging out with friends. so anyways, my phone rings, *something it never did before since he's been SHACKING up with me*  weird number i never seen before. i answer and a girl was like did somebody call me.....????....and i ask who are you? she says amber? and i remember that name from a conversation that me and juan had about 2 months ago...i give him the phone...for about a min or two waiting for him to say it's his fiancee's phone but this man is having a FULL LENGTH conversation lol.  my time to come in and say something right? so i do, i was like you have no kind of respect calling another woman's phone, and he gets mad?!!?! girls he actually gets mad and the little tramp is like let me call you back.  call him back?!?! not! 

pk, girls i hope this isn't an overreaction because if it is pleaseeeee please let me know, i really  love him but i'm not stupid and i know that love is blind. but, if you were in my position what would you do, i'm desperatly asking for help, because i can't go to my family and i look to you ladies for advice, i tryed talking to my mom but she's like its your PROBLEM, i don't know.......i'm lost, confused, not really, i'm hurt more of anything.  but please help me.


** i couldn't be any happier without juan**

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 8:14 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My advice is run.  Get away from as fast as you can.  It doesn't matter if he's never hit you before, he will hit you again.  Maybe not soon, maybe he'll convince you it was no big deal, but it is and it isn't over.  He needs some help learning how to treat a woman and you are not the person to do that.  There are tons of wonderful men out there who would love to treat you with love and respect.... forget about the girl callign that's not a problem... end it with this guy and if he hits you for ending it, call the cops and have him locked up.  Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.
 

November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 8:21 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dump him. 

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:25 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

I think you know what you need to do.  You don't sound happy and he doesn't seem to be trying to make you happy.  It is not an easy decision to leave someone, especially one that you thought you would spend the rest of your life with, but sometimes it is for the best.  Follow your gut, not your heart right now.  It will be painful if you decide to leave but it would be more painful later if he hits you again and when you have to have a divorce.  Good luck :)

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ChrissLady Posts : 1,352 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:33 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Sweetie, from the sound of it, you could be a lot happier without Juan.  First off he hit you.  That's a definite no-no.  And then to call some other broad on your phone, strike two.  Strike three, sitting and talking to her like it was perfectly normal.  Hun, let him go.  There are other fish in the sea, I think you need to throw this one back.

 


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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:40 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

ok, bottom line, he hit you, not even once, but twice.  why would you even postpone the wedding.  you should cancel it all together & get out of this relationship.  it is unhealthy and you are by no means overreacting.  and keep in mind, you may be hurting now, but think about how much more you will be hurting in the future if you marry someone who is abusive.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:43 AM Go to message in response to: ChrissLady

Run run run run run run run run run!

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Run.  Like.  Hell.  And don't look back.

The first part is easy--the second part is harder, I know.  The more people say "What happened?"  And you say "He hit me," you'll feel better.  Don't cover up for the guy.  And don't consider getting back together with a "fixer-upper," you deserve better.  Everybody does.

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

yeah i know, i been sitting here trying to think....did i provoke him i don't know, thats what he says..like i was talking about another guy that i saw, i seen my mom get hit by my father but they make up..and i wonder could i do that? i don't want to make the wrong decision ya'll i really really don't, and at the same time, i been through t his to many times.  i sit and try to compare him to other guys but i can't he comes on top. I never been in a realtionship like this one, all realtionships have arguments they are not perfect. I want to work things out with him..oh yeah and my dad loves him...my family loves him...i love him?!?! does this count ok, i'm sounding really blind now. i'm about to call him and see how it goes i'll brb

** i couldn't be any happier without juan**

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Oh honey, im sorry you have to deal with this!! Im also sorry to have to say this to you, but let me try and save you some tears, heartache, and LOTS of $$$ w/ a therapist.  My EX-husband hit me ONCE.  And, I like a dumbass went back after being seperated and thougth he'd change.  But guess what, he didnt.  Less than a year later I made the hardest choice and packed up my little boy and left one afternoon after we had a big fight.  I started seeing a therapist and I credit her with helping me find the strength that I needed to do it.  If they hit you once they will undoubtedly do it again.  Before you get yourself invested any further, please think long and hard.  He's starting to show the patterns of abuse now, thankfully, before you marry him!!  SO, I agree with the others and in the words of Poppy1 "Run run run run run run run run run!!!"  Look at me, here I am almost 3 yrs since my divorce getting ready to marry the man of my dreams whom adores me and my little boy... happiness will find you!!!  Good luck hon, i know its not easy.  Lean on us if you need us for support, to vent, for anything!!!  You are in my prayers!!

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

while it's true all relationships have arguements, they do not end in hitting one another. And BTW your father hitting your mother is not an exuse to let a man hit you, not even close.  It is not the norm for abuse to go on in a relationship.  I think you should think about gettins some counseling because obviously growoing up in a household where you have seen your mother getting struck by your father and her not leaving has subconsciously made you think that this is acceptable IT IS NOT!!!!!!   You seriously need to leave him because even if for some reason you stay with him he will hit you again and if you have kids, your children will see this and have the pattern of abuse continue in their relationships and possible be abused by thier father.  You owe it to yourself and your future children to get out of this relationship.  And like I said before talk to a professional so that it is very clear in your mind that abuse is not ever acceptable.   Best of Luck to you!!!  Also I would consider leaving without telling him in person or at least by yourself because there is the chance that he could become life threatening abusive when (notice I didn't say if) you tell him you are leaving him.  Yes you are sounding extremely blind right now by both his and your father's actions

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am so sorry you are going through this, but please take the advise of the above posters. You deserve so much better than this. I know it must be hard to understand this, since you grew up around it, but this is not ok. This is not something you postpone a wedding for, this is something you end a relationship for. I know it will be hard, but when it is all said and done, you will realize that you made the best decision of your life. Best of luck!

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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Honey, nothing you said or did deserved to be hit. NO MATTER WHAT. I think it is time to move on. I know this will be very difficult for you but soon you will see it was the best decision.  You have seen this type of behavior before with your mom and dad but its not acceptable behavior which I am sure you know. Trust me when I tell you that he will hit you again. Please for your own safety leave him NOW.

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think you could be so much happier without juan!

 

I see from your previous posts that you have had to deal with your dad hitting your mom and watching her always forgive him. Now, when you try to talk to mom about it, she says it's your problem.

No, it's her problem too - she has been choosing ignore her problem and to allow the hitting.

Now you have to decide if you will allow the hitting, too - do you want to end up like mom and when your little girl comes to you and says her man has given her a bloody lip - are you gonna tell her that it's not your problem?

Do not continue the cycle of abuse.

When you marry, you must consider your future children, this will be their dad ( if you are having any kids). Do you want your children to grow up dealing with the same thing you had to deal with. The possibility that he will abuse your children is not unreal. You got lucky if you were not included in the hitting - a good majority of them are not so lucky.

 

My advice is to treat yourself like you are your own child, protecting yourself as you would protect them. What would you say to your daughter? Would you tell her it's all right for that man to hit her? Or would you want to hunt the bas***d down and give him a fat lip to match? ( not condoning physical violence here - just expressing a feeling)

I have always believed that when you are on the wrong path in your journey, everything falls apart. This happens so you will have to take a new path, the one you are on is not where you need to be. You could miss out on great hapiness by settling for a woman beater.

IF you are still considering staying, this may be a sign of a self esteem issue - either way you should definitely see a counselor to talk this out. Your mom is a victim of abuse, however willing.

Do not become another victim.

The call on your phone from another woman and the following conversation - that just confirms what you already know in your heart - this is not the kind of man you want in a marriage. Control seems to be an issue.

I'm sorry, but you are being blind. No judgement, I only know cause I have been blind, too.

 Working through arguments and hard times is very admirable and we should all try to do this, it's part of the deal, we are getting married.

Allowing abuse is a entirely different matter altogether. We see from our posts about MOB and FMIL, that mom's are not always the right people to take our cues from.

What other guys are you comparing him too - the other ones you left cause they were no good for you?

 You deserve a good man. They are out there.

 Don't settle for an abuser.


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Guest
Re: called off the wedding....
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 11:23 AM Go to message in response to: mrslilysolovely

You are not overreacting at all. You don't have to take his abuse, and you shouldn't. I know it is so hard to break it off, when you love someone, are invested in the relationship, ect. But you can't compromise when someone treats you like that.

I hope everything works out for you! Good luck.






Message was edited by Dec292006Bride on Oct 24, 2006 11:24 AM

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