A mistake???

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Guest
A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 9:41 AM

Hey ladies, I need some advice from an unbiased source...

I'm really concerned that maybe getting married isn't the best choice for my fiance and I.  Don't get me wrong, when it's great it's really great, but when we fight it's just terrible.  We're both really stubborn that the simplest thing will turn into a fight that lasts for days, and ends with me just accepting that this is how my life is going to be forever.  It's like we both expect each other to be the strong one in the relationship, and I think that should be his job!  Am I trying to change him into something he's not?  Most of the time he's the best guy ever but when he turns into this puppy whose feelings are hurt I just can't handle it.  Any thoughts???


Ashley Undecided

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:24 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, first of all, you really didn't give much info about your relationship for anyone to give an opinion on.  So I'm not sure how much advice we can give you.  I will say that a fight that lasts for days is certainly not healthy, and I personally don't think you can change another person into something else.  But that's all I can offer based on the info you have given.

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:31 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

This may sound weird... but bare with me.  I'm going to tell you a story and try to keep it short :-)

 

I was in a very serious relationship for about 2 years.  When we started dating, we had been good friends for a while so we kind of started as if we had been together 6 months already.  The beginning was wonderful and truly a lot about that relationship was great.  He loved me wholeheartedly, gave me whatever I wanted, treated me like a queen, he never got angry with me or chose his boys over me... it was a girls dream come true.

 

There were, however, some things.  His mother didn't like me and made things difficult whenever she could.  He was late all the time, like an hour or more late.  It drove me crazy.  He was irresponsible.  He didn't have his finances in order.  He always let me win every argument because he didn't want me to be mad at him... but I just wanted him to stand up for himself!  For months I was torn... we were engaged.  I knew no relationship was perfect, perhaps I was asking too much.

 

One day, I was standing at the bus stop and this lady was standing there with me and she just starts talking to me.  I didn't tell her a think about being engaged or relationship problems but she started to tell me the story of how her husband has this bad habit of throwing things away if they're not right where they belong... example, she bought new shoes and left them in the hall in a bag and he threw the bag out claiming he thought it was garbage.  She told me how this drove her crazy and she had been complaining to her mother about it and her mother gave her this advice: Only you know what you can live with.  Either you love this man with all his faults and can accept him as he is or you can't.  You cannot expect to change this man.  He is who he is.  You must decide now to accept that he will be doing this thing for the rest of his life... then you must decide whether or not you want to be a part of that life.  

I knew then, I could NOT live like that forever.  I could not feel like I had a child instead of a man.  I could not compete with his mother, nearly miss planes, make all the plans all the time, always be the bad guy with our kids, clean up after him.... I could not, and I would not.

 

Though I loved my ex, and he has a special place in my heart, I Know it was the best decision ever.  My FH has some things that drive me NUTS, but with all his faults, I rather argue with him about that then have a perfect relationship with anyone else.

 

Hope that helps... sorry I don't have a real answer other than, only you can know.  Good luck!


 
November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:33 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, for example, just yesterday he got home from a concert with his buddies, and expected me to be all happy to see him even though this was the third weekend in a row he had gone off to do his own thing.  So I acted kind of aloof and wanted him to show interest in doing something with me for at least the rest of the day, but he really didn't.  So then I just got more hurt and he avoided me and it went downhill from there.  He can be really great and charming when he wants, so I guess I'm just disappointed when he isn't?
Ashley Undecided

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:36 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Have you ever tried just talking to him?
 

November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:36 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Yes, that's exactly what I mean!  Thanks.  I guess I just feel like no one else has these issues!
Ashley Undecided

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Oh yes, of course, I've told him flat out that I need him to be the "man" in the relationship--the one whose feelings aren't going to be hurt so easily, someone who will take responsibility of at least some things.  What you said about having a child is dead on--some of the time.  Others he's pretty much perfect!  Anyway his response is usually "I'm trying" and I hate to say that that's not good enough because then it's me who has the problem!  It's just that every time I tell myself to get over the lastest fight or disappointment it seems like it's for nothing because it just happens again.   I just need to accept this as part of his personality, right?  I keep telling myself that he's still getting used to being an adult--I am the one who seems to be setting myself up for disappointment.
Ashley Undecided

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

You are setting yourself up for disappointment if you think he'll change... ever.  If he does... it can't be for you because then it won't be permanent.  You have to decide what's important to you?  How important to you is it that your man wear some pants so to speak?  Can you see yourself taking the role he needs you to take... forever?  If not... you may want to at LEAST hold off on getting married until you figure it out.  My ex told me he was "trying " to and would even get better for a while, but after a few weeks we were right back to where we were. 

 

Just remember this is your life and his life we're talking about.  Search your heart.  Imagine your future.  Let go of trying to change him and you'll know if it's a mistake.  If you have doubts that's a red flag.  I hate to say it is you with the problem as it was me with the problem in my past relationship.  One reason I let it go for so long was because I thought this was as good as it gets... that I was asking too much of another person.  I was wrong... the better guy was just around the corner (or in my case across the street) and I have the guy of my absolute dreams now.  I now believe that if he's not the man you've dreamed of (not perfect but you shouldn't be "settling") he's not the one.  But, if you're just being picky you have to do some soul searching and see what attitudes can YOU change to make it better. 


 
November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

You're totally right.  Thanks... I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else!

Ashley Undecided

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have to agree. If you're not happy with most of the person he is now that isn't going to change. You can't really go into a relationship expecting someone to change because, while I'm not saying people never change, most of the time they don't and you should be happy with the person he is, not a person you would like him to be. You have to be careful too because the fighting will only get worse as it goes on because both of you will be more and more tired of the whole thing. I think the fact that you're having second thoughts at all should be enough to make you put the planning on hold.

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would suggest some pre-marital counseling.  It's nice to learn how to better communicate and figure out what each of your expectations are for both marriage and your relationship.  In my opinion, you BOTH need to be strong in a relationship and learn how to compromise.  You both can not always get what you want, but maybe you can meet 1/2 way.  Or let him decide on one thing & you get your way for the next.  I tpp and stubborn, but we are great at making it work.  Never go to bed angry, communicate and remember why you are with the other person.  Maybe list out all of the good qualities you like about the other person and share them.  Then make a list of the top 5-10 things you would like the other person to try to improve on.  This could be: watch less TV, take turns cooking dinner, clean the house, keep clothes off the floor, etc.  You also need time together as well as apart for a HEALTHY relationship.  You need your own hobbies and time with friends as much as you need time together.  My husband sometimes plays his video games while I watch The Bachelor ...which he could care less about watching.  He plays golf with his friends and I go shopping with mine.  We also go out to bars together with friends or over to someone's house.  Other times we go out to dinner & a movie with just the two of us.  It's a nice balance.

 

I think even with our pre-marital counseling it helped us think about situations and other things that might come up later in life that we had never talked about before.  No one is right or wrong, it's just how you are.  It helped us even more with our communication and I am glad that we did it.  We also took a compatibility test in both of our churched (Catholic & Presbyterian).  We scored very well on both, but it also pointed out areas where we had different views and upbringings.  His family is full of communicators and mine is not.  We have different ways of arguing and we have learned to work through those.  It really does help!


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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 23, 2006 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

First off, it sort of came off as immature to me that you said you think it should be his job to be the strong one in the relationship.  Maybe I read into it wrong, but I think an equal balance would probably work a little bit better.  Just like someone else posted, a man is not going to stay changed forever if he isn't changing for himself.  It's really not going to last long if they are changing for you, because really, they don't want to.  The only thing they want out of that is for the OP to stop doing whatever it is, mainly nagging.  I've done it, believe me, I've been the nagger.  I straight up had a boyfriend tell me "I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me" - it was about me not liking him smoking.  To me it is gross and I would NAG him about it, he stopped, but he started again.  He started to hide it and I would always catch him.  Not the type of thing you want. 

 

Second, if you are having these doubts, well it may not be the best thing.  I don't want to bash this relationship, becuase I know that NOBODY is perfect, and that's why this could work.  But you need to BOTH put aside your differences and your stubborness and deal with things.  If you are both too stubborn to get over it, then like soon2be said, her guy was across the street!!  Don't settle!!! 

 

I want to say also, you are giving me the impression that your FH doesn't like to spend much time with you and would rather be with his friends.  Can't you both hang out all together?  Does his friends have girlfriends or fiance's or wives that you can hang out with?  My FH and I had different friends, but since we started dating 2.5 years ago, well we've all mingled together.  He gets his space, I get mine, we combine, we do just us .... it works.  I never had to ignore him or turn the tables so he would realize that he was making me feel like I was last on his list of people to hang with.  And don't get me wrong, we ALL need our space every now and then.  I mean there are some days when my FH will be gone for the day and I look forward to it!! 

 

I don't know you or your FH personally, obviously, but I would maybe look into counseling.  Having the both of you talk with someone could do you both a good thing.  Fights that last days, especially silly ones that shouldn't have even started ... well that's not a good thing.  Your situation reminds me of someone close to me and she's been with her hubby for a little over 6 years, married for 1 ... nothing changes.  Good luck and keep us posted!!


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serendipity3033 Posts : 363 Registered: 5/11/06
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Oct 24, 2006 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

OH honey... I dont think we need any details about your relationship at all... just the fact that you are second guessing the marriage is all the info I need to say WAIT!!!!!  And let me tell you, theres NOTHING wrong with waiting!!!!!  Somewhere I read a marriage is much easier to get into than out of... and aint that the truth!!!!  I dont mean to scare you, I want to support you because I know its very easy to get caught up in the moment, and I think it takes a TON of courage to stop and think about it, and if its not right, then we are behind you 100% and admire your strength and courage no matter what you decide!!!!! 

 

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Nov 1, 2006 6:46 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

it will only be a mistake if you let it happen, knowing that you don't feel right about it. communication is so important...and don't play games. tell him how you feel. if you want to spend the day with him when he just got back in town, tell him that. don't make him guess. and don't forget, as the other women have said, there is nothing wrong with waiting it out. if it is meant to be, it will be and you will know. he'll still be there and if he is the one, he will wait for you. you don't want to always be questioning whether or not you are doing the right thing...trust me. and you want it to be forever, right? good luck.

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Guest
Re: A mistake???
Posted: Nov 3, 2006 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I too was once engaged to someone I had been in a relationship with for 6 1/2 years.  I remember asking myself early on in the relationship if I wanted to spend the rest of my life like this because there were many, many things I didn't agree with and didn't want for the rest of my life.

I wasn't strong enough until September of 2005, when, after much thought and consideration I was finally able to admit to myself we shouldn't get married and I broke it off.

For me, it was the best thing I could have done for myself.  We had different views, beliefs, morals etc.. I think I said yes when he proposed because I didn't know what else to do and we had been together for so long.

We can't tell you what to do, just give you our stories and advice.  My advice is to listen to your heart, verbalize to yourself what you want.  I never did that until the end and it could have saved me years of pain.  Be true to yourself.  IMHO, if you are having strong second thoughts, which it looks like you are, then I believe you should postpone the wedding or if need be, break it off.   But please do what you think in your heart is the right decision.

I am now marrying the absolute love of my life, soulmate and best friend.  Now I know what true love really feels like.


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