I think I want to call it off...major VENT!

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 10:18 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

All variables have been considered. Grandmother was the one who worked and her husband never held down a job for very long. She was wasting the money she made to support him, his drinking habit, and insane moving whims (sometimes to rural areas in tin roof shacks, bathing from rain barrels!) - leaving the kids in clothes too small and subjected to ridicule on top of the abuse.  Mom left home at 16 and made her own way. I am so very proud of her - she was also shunned by grandmother blaming her for the "loss" when husband was locked up - and married him again to prove mom couldn't "control" who she was with, thus participating in the abuse. While husband was "away" she would bring strange men to the house and at times they would continue the cycle of abuse. Now talk to me about variables, Stefanilyn.

Now, I sometimes have to sit and hear grandmother tell strangers how she "raised'em right", when they compliment my mom's generosity and kindness (totally in denial, as always). Makes me want to slap her - but I don't  - but I sincerely hope my mom has at some point. Not that I condone physical violence, but a slap in the face is the least she deserves. I try to love her though, it took a long time - she kept trying to buy my love ( after she got a workman's comp settlement), but she did not know me so the gifts only proved that fact and did not make up for the years.

 

 Gifts are the only way abusers can make themselves feel better - justifying their behavior by saying - "It can't be so bad if I provide  them with needs/wants and surprises 'for no reason at all'."

"See, I really am a good person" - is what they are really saying when they give...

 

Nothing can "make up" for abuse. Damage like that can only be dealt with as best as you can.

Yeah, times were different and times were tough - abuse remains the same.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm not about to get into telling you what you should do with your relationship.  You're the one who's in it, not me.  And I'm also not going to tell you that you're abused.  That said, what stood out to me in your initial message were the comments you said he made about your weight/etc. and the fact that he wanted to go to sleep at the same time as you--but didn't really care that you needed to stay up to get your work done. 

My husband and I have been together for seven years, and married for almost one.  I dated two other guys for two and three years before I met him and dumped them for far lesser "crimes" than you're describing.  And, in each of those cases, the "crimes" I dumped them for have only become more pronounced with time....'cause these kinds of things tend to get worse, not better.  Don't forget, this is the time he's supposed to be on best behavior and wooing you--is this what that looks like?  'Cause once that ring is on your finger, he doesn't have to "woo" you anymore.

For this reason, you can't walk into marriage already knowing what "little things" you're not going to walk away over...particularly if those little things aren't little. 

The storms you're going to weather aren't things you're dealing with right now--but what you're each bringing into the relationship on the day you say "I do" is going to either make those storms better or worse.  You'd better have as close to perfection as you can get before you walk down the aisle...'cause once you've got him, it's for keeps.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 2:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

 I think you should reconsider. not only for  you but for the sake of your kids. they are the most important thing in your life right now, abuse like this can lead to them being the same way. and i know you don't want it. he sounds like...he's going to get fed up and...hit you.. don't let that happen...get out  While you can. You can find someone else that will treat you differently.Laughing you sound like you have your life together and your going somewhere with it...why stop?!

 


** i couldn't be any happier without juan**

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Lily - Please don't get me wrong. I feel very badly for your mother that she went through what she did and I sympathize with her as a fellow victim. I'm also not trying to say you were wrong to feel how you felt, I was simply trying to bring another perspective and express my own opinion (as you have done). Here is my question, was your grandmother abused as a child or young woman? Her behavior as you have described seems to me like she didn't know what relationships were healthy and which were not and it seems like she truly didn't understand what kind of permanent damage she had done to her children.

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Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: mrslilysolovely

Lily can I just say KUDOS to you and your mother....it sounds to me that your mother raised you to be a stong, intelligent, and caring woman!! I am sorry for what she had to get through to make her the person that she is today (the one who raised YOU right) but....like they say what dosen't kill us will only make us stronger!!! I give your mother serious PROPS!!!

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 11:29 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I edited out my other posts...but left the original alone. Maybe someone else might find it useful?

 

I don't even know where to begin what I'm about to say....the beginning I suppose. Tonight he was really being nice and cooked supper and did the dishes. I walked into the kitchen to take some muffins out of the oven that I was baking and he was rinsing out the sink. He said...."look here" as he was wiping down the sink to get rid of the bubbles "this is what you are supposed to do when you let the water out of the sink." I stood there for like two seconds and then...went off on him. I do that. I sure as heck don't need him or anyone else telling me something that I already know to do and do. I told him that was uncalled for and told him he should apologize. I also told him that he would never talk to his mom like that. I said that he should treat me and talk to me just like he would his mom. I told him that he was a liar about saying that I never wipe out the sink. Things escalated from there....he brought up anything he could to make me look bad. He called me a fat lazy bitch, not to mention that I'm warped. I told him that these comments have got to stop and to treat me with respect. He of course said that he pays the bills and that I should do the cleaning. rolls eyes He had the nerve to ask me if it is chauvanistic to expect that if he pays the bills for me to do the cleaning. I said yes. I also told him he needs to get councelling so he can learn how to treat women with respect. I said that we could go together. He said he didn't need counselling. He really thinks that the nasty comments are just being honest with me. I told him he needs to treat me with respect or else.

 

I'm not about to spend my days or nights cleaning my ass off and let my other obligations and responsibilities fall away. My education is way too important to allow it to slip through my fingers because I had to clean when I should have been studying and doing my homework. Don't get me wrong...I do what I can and when I can. I'm not the greatest housekeeper but I'm also not ashamed of how my home looks either. I don't live in mortal fear that my house isn't "perfect." I don't have bugs or rodents invading my house, I couldn't and wouldn't stand for that. My house is clean, it may not be perfectly clean but who in the world can keep a house perfect? There is always something dirty somewhere for pity's sake.

 

I'm not saying any of this to get sympathy or compassion or anything else from anyone. I'm not saying it to validate what any of you have said either. Although that is in fact probably the truth. Some of you mentioned me having low self esteem or not having respect for myself...not true. I have stood up for myself. I've done it before on several occasions and I stood up for myself tonight as well.

 

I don't belong here on this board....not anymore. I'm not a bride. I wish you all the most beautiful weddings and blissful marriages. Blessings to each and every one of you.

 

 

 

 

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 11:38 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm so sorry you had to go through all this, I don't even know what to say.  I am glad you were able to finally recognize what sort of situation in, and were intelligent enough to remove yourself from it, but I'm still very sorry you were even in this position :(

Just keep in mind you just saved yourself from even more heartache and grief if you didn't stand up for yourself tonight.
Jamie and Bill
Daisypath Ticker

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 5, 2006 11:46 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm so sorry that you went through all of this and I hope that you have supportive, kind, loving friends and family who can help you to cope with this. I cannot even begin to imagine what you are feeling right now and only know that I would be so devestated if the man I plan to marry ever treated me in such a way or called me a fat, lazy bitch. You are definitely NOT this!! I am not in school right now nor do I have children and I'm not the best when it comes to chores. Who wants to always be cleaning when there's much more relaxing, enjoyable things to do??!! I'm really glad that you stood up for yourself. I would encourage you to consider seeing a counselor by yourself, just so that you can talk about this in a safe place and process what you have been through and how to work on feeling good about you. Best wishes!

Message was edited by Heather125 on Oct 6, 2006 6:49 PM

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 6, 2006 7:22 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am very sorry that any of this has happened to you. I really hope that everything turns out well for you. And even though you are no longer a bride, we are on these boards to support each other, if you ever need to talk you should still post. Best of luck with your current situation, I know it must be hard, but stay strong. There is someone much better for you out there.

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NatSeptBride Posts : 888 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 6, 2006 7:45 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm afraid in situations like these it's one of those what you see is what you get type things.. He is who he is and he's not now or ever going to change.. If anything he'll get worse... Seriously sit down and think about this situation because if you're not happy now you're going to be miserable in a few months/years time!  Good luck!!

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 7, 2006 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: NatSeptBride

I am soooo beyond confused!!!! Wasn't her username, "Troysbride"????? What is this "MaysBride" thing? Did she try to change her name so we wouldn't know it was still her, and then it didn't work because it just stuck to all her posts? This is VERY strange!

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JenlovesDon Posts : 414 Registered: 6/20/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 7, 2006 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm really confused too. I've been reading this one everyday and noticed yesterday she had a different name.

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aec7c Posts : 114 Registered: 4/13/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 7, 2006 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: JenlovesDon

She's not engaged anymore.  I think she didn't want to be attached to his name since the incident she talked about in her last post.
Best of luck, and I'm sorry you went through all of this.


~~August 12, 2006~~

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 8, 2006 10:57 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

This does sound like a potentially abusive relationship( it already sounds like verbal abuse). One thing that I would like to add, is the potential effects that this could have on your children. Even if he does love them, and treats them well. They will see the way that he speaks to you, and may think that that is acceptable and even normal. You and your kids deserve someone that will treat you with respect at all times!!

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 10, 2006 4:53 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thank you Gin, it means a lot.

Stefanilyn, truce - I know I'm a bit defensive at times :)

Maysbride - I am extremely proud of you for standing in your own truth, knowing you were about to change your world. For the BETTER! I am certain. There will be so many more opportunities opened up for you now, and you are free to choose whichever you please! And never feel like you don't belong and can't come here and talk to us - we would not recommend that you re-examine your life, change it all around , then leave you to weather it all on your own!  That would be defeating our purpose of supporting you in your fight for all that you deserve. It's good to see the name change - you are your own woman. Keep concentrating on school, maybe they provide free counseling for students, I know things will probably be tight for a while and counseling is not always easy to come by.

If you need extra income, look into becoming a secret shopper in your area - I know others who have worked their way through school by doing this, I am going to start soon to earn extra $$$.  You can go when you have free time and they give you the money to shop, you keep what you buy and they pay you to go online a fill out a questionnaire about the service you received. In my area you can earn 50 bucks each time you complete a survey and you can do up to five a week. It's places like department and drug stores. Easy money and flexible hours.

You have made a good choice and I applaud your courage - you have done what many others wish they had the strength to do. You have demanded better treatment - and you will get it. You are already treating yourself better, and now that you have to go through this, you will never accept anything less from others.

I'm so sorry for your pain, we will be here when you need us. - Lily

 

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