I think I want to call it off...major VENT!

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Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i have a girlfriend who just broke up with her livein boyfriend of 5 years. she is devestated. yet, all my friends and i think he is a total jerk!!! in fact, i myself have been in a negative relationship before. i often think that we as women think of relationships in terms of investment.

 

 

one day we may wake up say to ourselves "i've put so many years/the best years of my life... into this realationship! i can't walk away now!!!" as time goes on, i realize how incorrect that is! instead of looking behind me and mourning the years lost, i try to look infront of me at what i have to gain. yes, maybe my boobs are a little saggier, and i think my brow is starting to furrow a bit, but during that time i was dating my ex i learned more about ME. what I wanted out of life. i learned what type of character i wanted in the man i was going to marry.

 

 

so sure, when i look back at my ex from college, i am a bit saddened that i spent my "party years" dating him (he was a bit of a loser understatement of the year!) but i wouldnt have traded that experience for anything, because if i hadn't dated a few toads, i probably wouldnt have been so well matched for my DH.

 

 

So please evaluate your realtionship honestly. please do not marry someone simply because you feel you've put so much into making it work. a broken engagement is NOT a FAILED RELATIONSHIP! it is merely a stepping stone of self realization and the path to a relationship which includes both partners giving as well as takingSmile best wishes what ever path you choose.

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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

jgorczy06 - I agree with you about the learning experiences.  From being with "losers" - especially the ones that came within the last couple of years before I met FH .... they def shaped me and my opinions on what I want out of my life.  I grew sick of trying to "please" everyone, and I would probably still be getting walked all over by men if I hadn't learned that.  I love my FH - he is EVERYTHING that I could ask for, plus some (o:  And NO it isn't a failed relationship at all!!  That is agreed upon!!! 


Halfway there.... 04.14.07 I become a Mrs!!

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 8:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i would not marry someone who hid thier finances from me....        and i sure as hell wouldnt marry someone who picked on me about my weight.  If you love him too much then at the very least tell him your relationship is in trouble and ask him to see a counsellor with you, if he wont...i would leave.  The financial strain, and the lonliness you can survive, the emotional torment and abuse, you cannot.  Be brave and do what you know is right, you dont have to kick him to the curb yet...make him go see a counsellor with or without you and go from there.  And please dont protect him..speak to family and friends you love, they will help you.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 1:33 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Troysgirl,

Have you talked to your fiance about your doubts? What about couples counseling? - Thats not to insinuate that you are wrong and he is right. Perhaps a counselor can help you communicate with your fiance about how he's been making you feel lately and work with you both regarding adjusting from the single life to couple life - like with the finances. Maybe your fiance is used to his privacy and doing things his way as a bachelor. Perhaps its his way of exerting some independence in the relationship - like that is his area of expertise. It also sounds like your fiance has a traditional perspective on your role as the woman of the house but at the same time you're also a college student with kids and perhaps a counselor could help you both make chores more fairly divided and help you communicate to him the importance of college to you but that you can't do everything at once.  Its easy for us in the forums to just sign your relationship off because I think everyone here wants to be supportive for you, but we aren't there with you in your relationship to see the balance of good and bad. You also said you're venting and trust me, I'm sure many of us brides-to-be have at some point vented just like you but that doesn't mean throwing in the towel is the answer. Sometimes we all just need someone to listen to us vent and when we vent, we are not necessarily focused on the best things in the relationship either - we are venting because we are upset or angry. I would say don't give up just yet. I see that you "want your relationship to work" and you "love this man dearly." Of course, that doesn't mean taking emotional abuse or allowing your fiance to disrespect you, but I know how it is to have relationship stress from the wedding planning which can also have an effect on communication, the way we argue, and stress levels in general (being less patient, being more defensive, not listening). I wish you the best Troysgirl. I hope you don't take this email as supporting your fiance versus you. Just wanted to throw in some hope, let you know that we all (brides-to-be) have times when we need to vent, and give another option for you! Good luck!!  

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 10:06 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

.


Message was edited by MaysBride on Oct 5, 2006 10:35 PM

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

We don't have to "train" our men.  They are not pets.  You can't honestly believe that.  Your FH is exhibiting classic signs of an abuser, he obviously learned from his father.  It's quite possible he may change, but that will take counseling and honesty on his part. 

I'm sorry, but you are now giving excuses for your FH's behavior, and if you have been in a previous abusive relationship, you should recognize this behavior. 

By you placing the blame back on yourself (ie: your weight) he has you in a position where you believe whatever he tells you to believe.  Money and presents do not buy you love. 

I wish you the world of luck, and I do hope that you survive this relationship.  Please keep the phone number of your domestic violence shelter close by, I fear that someday you may need it.

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RDWM Posts : 1,354 Registered: 9/27/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 10:25 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Troysgirl, I am so sorry that you are in this place. We all deserve to be treated with kindness by our partners. Even "Not to mention the fact that his father abused him and his brothers" is a sign of domestic violence. The issue is control. He thinks he has a right to control you.  It wont just go away. It will most likely get worse.

Since you're planning to marry him I can see that you love him and have a big emotional investment in him. I wish I could tell you what you want to hear. I've worked in the domestic violence field for a long time and I've seen it to many times.

This thread is full of very valuable information. I'm sure it doesn't feel good to hear it but they speak the truth.

God be with you Troysgirl. I wish you all the best.


Daisypath Ticker

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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 10:34 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Troysgirl- you go from posting about "I think I want to call it off ... to sticking up for him.  You should stick up for yourself.  No we don't know you or your FH but we know what you told us, and by reading it all it does seem like a control issue that you don't want to be part of.  If he's not a lost cause then why think about calling off a wedding?  Did he buy you flowers last night or something special?  It like he craps all over you, then he will realize it once in blue moon, and try to make up for it by buying you things or whatever he does.  He reels you in and it is a constant cycle.  Maybe counseling will help, is he willing to go???

Halfway there.... 04.14.07 I become a Mrs!!

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 10:35 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

""He has very strong morals and is really too honest sometimes. I'm unfortunately not happy with total honesty. My weight is a perfect example about honesty. I don't want to hear what he says about it. Is it his fault that I get hurt over his comments about it? No, because it's my own fault that I'm at this weight that I have tried and failed to lose.""

And then you go on to say....

""He wants to make me happy""

 

First can I say that I understand where you are comming from....my DH came from a horrible childhood, and (I have been with him almost 6 yrs...married 3 months and I have a almost 6 yr old daughter) but my DH never KNEW what a NORMAL functioning family was......I had to show him, and still there are days where he will make fun of me for watching a show he thinks is stupid.....he has said mean things in arguments...but who hasn't??

With that being said the reason I quoted you is becasue I find something WRONG with that statement.....YES you are the only one who can control your weight, YES you can exersize, eat right, .....but HE controls what comes out of HIS mouth!!! You DO NOT talk to the woman you love like that!! Ever, that is degrading, and IT IS HIS FAULT THAT YOUR FEELINGS GET HURT WHEN HE COMMENTS ON YOUR WEIGHT!!! You didn't make the comment....he did. So basically if any woman is over weight us skinny people (me being skinny) has the right to pick on their weight at our own free will!!! NO....how could you say that it is your fault???

I do understand the whole he doesn't understand that you can't be happy every second of every day....my DH is also like that if I am happy and there are no problems in OUR life at that moment....he is GREAT, BUT when I am upset about something (bills, daughter not listening, don't feel well, dog pooped on floor and ate my shoe) He can't handle it when I am not happy and he makes it worse sometimes.....and I tell him "This is when I need you the most.....when I am happy susie you are great and as soon as I am not doing perfectally you want to get upset with me, I need you to hug and kiss me and tell me everything will be fine, not yell at me and walk away" And he is getting better at it....but it takes time for things like that especially when you grow up in a whole disfunctional enviornment......But my DH KNOWS better that to EVER say something about my weight ( I am skinny but have put on a little...nothing major) But, if I have a bad hair day or look a little off....that is just rude and hurtful and NOT nessicary!! But, venting is fine....get it off your chest so you can calm down before you talk with him.....becaus e2 angry people never solve anything....just remember you love eachother.....I remind my DH that all the time when he gets huffy about stupid things....like the other day his lawn mower broke (really I have "patches" in my lawn now, my daughter was bad at school, and the dog ran off) who did he get huffy with ME....UMMMM, did I run away, break the lawn mower, or misbehave NO!!!! I just tell him REMEMBER YOU LOVE ME!!!!!

Sorry so long!!


Message was edited by Gin on Oct 3, 2006 11:15 AM

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

WOW! Troysgirl...are you serious??? I mean, my FH has never ever ever ever ever said ONE SINGLE THING in nearly 4 years with the intention of hurting my feelings. Not ONE SINGLE THING. While I know that he is of a rare breed, and most men are really NOT like him, your FH is soooo out of line! I really think that you must have EXTREMELY LOW self-esteem to stay in a relationship where you are treated this way. Do you really believe that you deserve this? You mentioned that your last husband was abusive, well, you may just be the type of woman who attracts this kind of man. These men LOOK for women like you...low self-esteem and compliance. You are making yourself a victim and no offense, but it is stupid! I am not saying you are stupid, but staying in this kind of a relationship is!

You said "one time he brought me flowers for no reason". Okay, big deal, my FH does that ALL THE TIME. Do you really think that that is all you are worth? He can say these absolutely HORRIBLE things to you, and make you feel like crap, then tell you it is YOUR FAULT, and then "here are some flowers that are gonna die in 3 days!" And all of a sudden you are like, "Awe, isn't he just the greatest thing in the world?" OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! Step outside of yourself for a minute and look at this situation as though he were your friend or sister's fiance. Wouldn't you be telling her to leave the bastard? I sure would! My FH would never in a million years treat me like your FH treats you. And if he ever did, I wouldn't love him! I would be out of there so fast and find someone who would treat my like the amazing woman I am and that I deserve to be treated like!!! Seriously, you are being ridiculous if you put yourself in such a stupid stupid situation. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I have VERY little tolerance for women who put themselves in situations like this....HONEY, HE AIN'T GONNA CHANGE!! HELLO!? And get your kids out of there! If you won't do it for yourself, at LEAST DO IT FOR THEM!! You may choose to be in a hostile environment, but they don't have the choice. You make it for them, and if you keep them in this kind of  a place, then you have only YOURSELF to blame should anything happen to them there!

MY ADVICE IS VERY SIMPLE...STAY AWAY FROM GUYS WHO ARE TOTAL LOSERS!


null

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Lisa75 Posts : 271 Registered: 8/15/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 11:39 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Troysgirl, I must say that I am sorry for what you are going through.  Like the other girls have said a man will not change.  If you marry him be prepared for this to continue and possibly get worse.  I used to be married to a man that wasn't hurtful with what he said or anything like that but he did expect that I keep the house up etc.  He would just sit his butt on the couch and I did all the work.  It wasn't life as a married couple should be.  There are men out there that are wonderful and loving and are willing to share lifes responsibilities with you out there.  I now have a wonderful husband who never lets the day go by without telling me how much he needs me and how much I make his life complete.  He also shares the household chores and I don't even have to ask.  He just does it.  All I am saying is not to marry him right now.  Don't make such a huge comitment when you are not sure.  You don't want to put your kids and yourself through another divorce.  Who says you can't just live together for a while to just see how it is going to go.  Or even take some time apart to see if he is what you really want.  This time may also tell him that he is screwing up.  No woman needs a man that doesn't appreciate her body, mind and soul all together.  There are men that do and I know that there is that man out there for you.  It may even be your FH, but he needs to figure that out for himself. Good luck and keep us posted.

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

"My FH is more likely to walk away from an arguement than fight it out" - How can this be the case when your first post said

 "But I swear the bad stuff seem to outweigh the good. When we get into a stupid arguement he'll finally say "let's just drop it" but, and here is the kicker...he will keep on talking about it over and over until I finally get mad. I dropped it so why can't he when he's the one that said for us to drop it in the first place? "

I see many of the same excuses in your last post that I have heard over and over. From myself and from friends.

My ex-husband used to tell me "the truth" about my weight - when I told him that it hurt me - he would reply everytime "I'm sorry, but it's the truth - you can't change the truth"

Yes, you have tried to loose wieght and did not meet your goal - I can see why when you have no time for yourself - that's what it takes to loose weight. When do you have time or energy to exercise? Between classses, before work, after checking the kids homework, doing the laundry, dishes, your homework????? I don't think so. I don't even have kids and I haven't got the time to exercise. When he cooks, does he cook healthy dinners, or just whatever he wants? Does he encourage you rather than make you feel bad? Does he ever take the children out somewhere so you can study in peace or workout or even just have some "me" time?

I lost all the weight from my previous marriage and now I have gained it back because I changed my eating habits when I became engaged - FH says I don't eat enough! I am now the same weight I was when ExH told me "the truth" and I am loved more.

Well, the truth is that FH should be kind and loving no matter your weight.

Does FMIL have or had weight problems - I don't see you speaking about her? Is this the way his dad used to speak to his mom? Did she leave because of the abuse?

Is his dad an alcoholic too? There are many warning signs here, and they all say "Dangerous Curves Ahead".

I agree that counseling would be a very good place to start - then you will have someone who is better qualified than we are to tell you about those dangerous curves. I have seen counseling work to great advantage - but only if both parties agree there is a problem and are willing to do something about it.

The truth is that many people abused as children become abusive adults - no matter what type of abuse it may have been - it is manifested from that point on and is always a factor - has FH been to counseling about this past abuse ? It does not sound like it if, as you say, he is not aware of the fact that he is abusing you. I know you feel like we are attacking FH because you jumped in to defend him on the same points you were so upset about - you can't live your whole life making excuses. Go to counseling, then there will be no excuse for his behavior and you can feel validation at being angry at him for all the abuse you have suffered - must you and your children suffer because he did?

I know that these posts sometimes hurt feelings - I have been there and don't like - we are not trying to hurt you - rather, we are trying to save you from the years of hurt we went through - and evidently you have suffered through more than enough of it too. Just because this may be a new type of abuse for you, does not mean it is somehow better than previous abuse. Control seems to be the key word here - whether or not you like to hear it - you are being controlled. Not as harshly as some, but you are still controlled by FH. "Traditional" family ( I am wondering what you mean by that - is abusive Tradional?)or not - damn near every man in the US should know by now that women are not put here for them to say what we can and cannot do. I handle the finances and know how every dime is spent - You MUST be Financially AWARE! It's very important to your future financial well being to be involved and establish your own credit. Single mothers are the fastest growing statistic of people filing bankruptcy, msn.com has great advice about savings - I sure have learned a lot.

LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST!!

If the nightly drinking continues, statistics show that the abuse will escalate, and so will the drinking.  Ok - so your family will beat the crap out of him - that is after the damage has been done and really does not help, especially if one of your children is abused or sees you being hit. You think it will never happen - tell that to the women at "The Spring" - they will tell you they thought the same until they stood looking in a mirror at the black eye they thought would never be given to them, or taking their child to set a broken arm, that should not be broken. He may be a good man, not be capable of that sober - but who knows what people will do after 2 or 3 six packs - some of them don't even remember what happened until they see the cast.

I hope for the best for you, please find a great counselor who specializes in abusive behavior and history of being abused.

 

This way both of you will have your eyes opened.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: mrslilysolovely

I happen to agree with the women who stay he has the telltale signs of an abuser.  He controls you.  He tells to jump and you ask how high.  Venting is one thing.  What you are describing is quite another. 

There is such a thing as the cycle of abuse.  You said he came from an abusive home.  Where do you think he learned it?  What do you think your children are going to learn?  Also, you will have agruements and then he will be loving.  You say you were in an abusive relationship in the past- why aren't the red flags coming up?  Are you really that much in love?  Are the blinders on that tight?

 


Michele and Kyle

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

For one I think alot of you are making a big deal about the beer issue......the OP said he likes to drink a 6 pack....I personally will go home after work and have a few beers....I LOVE the taste of beer and I like drinking it....do I get plastered and beat my family....HELL NO!! I am still the same as I would be any other time without having a beer.....there is a BIG difference between drinking a few beers after work and getting flat out fall down drunk!!!! BIG DIFFERENCE!!! And some of you are saying basically that because he came from an abusive home therefore he learned to be abusive and he will teach HER children to be abusive......NOT ALWAYS TRUE!!!!! My DH came from a VERY VERY abusive home, physically and mentally and he HAS NEVER laid a hand on me (even after a few beers) and he is not mentally abusive towards me AT ALL!!! Yes, he had a hard time adjusting to "family life" since he DID NOT HAVE ONE, but that doesn't make him bad!!! I am just saying that no one should just be writtin off because some jump to the conclusion that he is in a cycle of abuse!!! YES some will learn the behavior and act upon it.......some won't but still have a hard time adjusting to what a LOVING relationship requires!! I DO think somethings are REALLY wrong (ie him controlling ALL the money, pointing out her weight, expecting her to do everything) But I think some of you are freaking out about some of the less important problems like having a few beers.....or being born into an unfortunate situation!!

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 3, 2006 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree with everyone who talked about this being abuse and who said that you are just making excuses, like with the weight. I wish I could show you what I see when I read your post. I see a women who desperately loves a man who treats her like crap and she thinks it is her fault. I am not saying that you didn't stress the bad points of your relationship in the first post, and that you do have good times, but even women who are physically beaten by their husbands have good times. The fact of the matter is, this man is not treating you the way you should be treated. Do you honestly think that b/c you have a weight problem that it is ok for him to make fun of you? I like what another poster said about how just b/c I'm skinny, with your logic, I could go around making fun of overweight people, and it would be their fault. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I am skinny, so that is nothing I have to deal with with my FH. But he loves me for who I am. If I woke up tomorrow and was 300 pounds overweight, he would love me the same and think that I was just as beautiful. My FH never talks down to me and treats me like I am his servant. I am in school and he is not. He constantly does chores for me so that I can get my school work done. This is what a man is suppose to do for you. Your FH is suppose to make your life better, he is suppose to support you and love you through good times and bad.

And if nothing else, think of your children. If you were already in an abusive relationship than they have already been exposed to it. Your FH is just reinforcing what they already know a relationship to be like. You need to set some positive relationship examples for them.

Nobody can make you leave him but you. If you truly love this guy and believe that he is what is best for you and your children, then I hope you both get counseling and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

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