I think I want to call it off...major VENT!

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Guest
I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 10:50 AM

I'm seriously thinking about calling off the engagement/wedding. heavy sigh

 

I love this man dearly.......BUT.....

 

He makes these comments that hurt me to no end. I feel like my heart is being crushed when he says these things to me. (He seems clueless about emotions, he can't tell the difference between hurt and mad.) I keep telling him that I'm hurt but he still says that I'm mad. Comments about my weight, how I keep house, even about what tv shows I watch, doing homework (I'm in college), and reading. Nothing I do is ever good enough. No matter what I do or say...I'm wrong or at fault. He always blames me for what seems like everything. He refuses to own up to his part of the arguements. He has even gone so far as to tell me (on more than one occasion) that I need help from a psyciatrist (sp?). GOD! THAT HURTS! I'm not crazy or insane...just human with human emotions for pity's sake. He says that it's MY fault that he doesn't treat me better. WTF??? He has also said that his finances are none of my business as long as the bills are paid. Not to mention his business is none of my business. (He is self-employed.) Oh...he'll tell me all the details of what he's doing or going to do...just not how much he is charging for his services.

 

On the other hand he can be really sweet and nice to me. He bought me roses one day for no reason. He'll take me out to eat whenever I want to. Although only during the lunch time hours because he says it's too expensive of the evening. (The REAL reason is because he wants to be at home at night so he can drink his six-pack of beer.) He adores my kids and loves them with all his heart. He is a great cook and a lot of the time he will cook our dinner for us. He takes really good care of the yard and stuff that needs to be fixed around the house. He even designed a table for me to go at the end of the hall to put my nic naks on. He will buy me just about anything I want as long as he can afford it that is.

 

But I swear the bad stuff seem to outweigh the good. When we get into a stupid arguement he'll finally say "let's just drop it" but, and here is the kicker...he will keep on talking about it over and over until I finally get mad. I dropped it so why can't he when he's the one that said for us to drop it in the first place?

 

I have told him time and again that I'm not perfect. He says he doesn't expect perfect. But his comments and actions screams for perfection. I swear, he expects me to do everything involving housework and if it doesn't get done when HE wants it done he starts in nagging and complaining about doing it himself. Well, hello, I'm busy so I can't do everything at once. Duh! And sometimes I intend to do housework (on the weekend) and he will say..."let's go somewhere and do something" so I go...and he will then get mad because I didn't do the cleaning. rolls eyes What? Am I supposed to clone myself or something?

 

He refuses to understand that sometimes I have to do homework in the evenings. I still cook our supper mind you. But he claims to want me in the bed with him when he goes to bed. I'm not always ready or able to do that since he goes to bed at a fairly early time.

 

I want our relationship to work, I really do, but how can it work if I have to give and give and receive nothing back in return? Sorry this is so long...and this is just a few of the things I'm dealing with here....

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 12:08 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

People do not change. So if you dont like the way things are then think twice about it.


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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Ok, I may be reading into this, but based on your post I'd say you're engaged to someone showing CLEAR signs of being a potential abuser.  He is already abusing you emotionally and has 100% control of the relationship.  Men like this tend cross over into physical abuse after marriage once they have you 100% trapped.

 

Obviously you know that something isn't right or you wouldn't have posted.  I say get out now; protect yourself and your children.  I do not see this ending well if you stay. 

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 12:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

your FH sounds like my FFIL, who is a major ass hole and is putting FMIL and Future Siblings through a terrible divorce.  (not saying he is, i dont know him) but whoever said it above, people DO NOT change.  I know your situation being in school and working and having to keep up with a house.  I am in your same situation.  But FH understands that he has to help too.  That I cannot physically do everything myself.  And hey, its his house too, he needs to help.  The key is He shouldn't make you feel bad about those things.  A relationship goes both ways, right.  What if he was sick and couldn't mow the lawn....would you make a big deal about how he was lazy and needed to do the grass right then?  I think not.  

I would really really reconsider this relationship.  Dont get married just for the sake of getting married.  Be happy because everyone deserves that in life.

Good Luck to you and keep us posted. 

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 12:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

No relationship is perfect, but the good stuff should far outweigh the bad stuff. Is it worth putting up with all this emotional abuse for ONE time of getting flowers for no reason, and getting taken out whenever you want, as long as it fits into his beer drinking schedule? You can't even watch a television show without him b!tching about it! The last time I checked it was not the FW's job soley to do the house work. He could help out to. From the sound of it, he wants a little wife that he can push around and have do all his chores for him. Things like this don't just get better. Picture yourself living like this for the rest of your life. If you love that idea, than go for it. But if you couldn't imagine it, then it is better to call it quits now.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 1:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree with the other posters. I too was in a mentally abusive relationship for nearly 3 years, with much of the behaviors you described going on. It is not healthy, and he will not change. Whether you are ready to hear it or not, you maybe do need a little help, if you feel you cannot end or get out of the relationship on your own. I know what it's like to love someone so much, and still have to let them go. Someone who does and says things like that can't possibly return your love. You must put yourself first. No matter what he says about you, you are worth way more than that.
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MrsCase1216 Posts : 158 Registered: 7/12/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I definitely have to agree with all the other ladies on this one. Buying you things and cutting the grass do NOT make for a lasting relationship when the majority of what you have said screams emotional abuse... I'm definitely not an expert, but I would seriously consider your future, your kids' future, and the future possibilities of your relationship before you say "I do".

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 2:41 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dear TroysGirl

What you wrote are classic symptoms of an abuser. You are not just "venting". You are telling the truth and need confirmation.

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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

First I want to say that if you are feeling like this already, then your intuition is telling you something.  Second, I agree with the other girls, people DON'T change!!  You have your children most importantly to worry about and then yourself - do you want your children growing up in an environment like that????  You DO deserve better!! 

 

I have been in a fair amount of relationships where I constantly GIVE, GIVE, GIVE.  It makes you miserable, depressed, and just unhappy.  There was one boyfriend I had that was such a complete dink to me, and I stayed!!  I thought it would get better!!  IT DIDN'T!!!! It wears and tears on you. 

 

This is only going to get worse in my opinion.  You ask how can you make it work if you have to give and give and receive nothing back in return.  You CAN'T make that work.  If you want to be unhappy for the rest of your life, then god bless you and good luck.  But I, as well as everyone else who has responded to you, know that you don't.  You wouldn't have posted this if you thought it was okay.  You get married to join two people (and your children as well).  To me, that should mean balance between the two.  Emotionally and physically.  If you REALLY think that he is going to change, then start putting your foot down.  If you already have and stuck to your guns about it, then do you think it's going to go anywhere better??? 

 

Help yourself!!!  Because he doesn't seem like the man who's going to EVER help you.   I could recoment counseling, but I am sensing he wouldn't go?!  You deserve all the happiness in the world.  There is someone out there for every single one of us, you just have to realize this and go for it.  Sure it is going to suck at first, but in time you will come to reallize that you RULE and that you are awesome, independent, beautiful, and deserve your prince charming. 

 

 


Halfway there.... 04.14.07 I become a Mrs!!

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mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 3:09 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm so sorry, but I must agree with kaliope. There is definite abuse and control going on here, and most times it will progress to the point of physical violence - especially when he won't "drop it" - which sounds to me like "you shut up while I continue to berate you". The fact that he does not include you in any financial information is also a telltale sign. How is he spending that money? there must be something  going on if he won't allow you access.

A man who does not own up to any fault or blame in a relationship is lying to himself and others. Very few times is it only one partner's fault and the blame generally lies with both parties. If these instances are only a few examples of the daily cycle of abuse that you deal with - I must recommend finding a mature and mentally healthy man to love you and your children. This abuse will continue and soon he will include your children in the blame game.

If for no other reason than to save your children from growing up thinking that this behavior is okay and that it is acceptable to subject another person to this lifestyle, you must find a better role model, and be a better role model to them - show them that  you expect them and yourself to be treated kindly and will not tolerate anything less, from anyone.

Yes, I am sure he loves you, but I am also sure that abusers treat those they love worse than they treat strangers on the street. 

You and your children deserve better than a man who won't take you out to dinner cause he would rather sit home and drink - it's a six-pack now, but it will become a twelve pack, then a case...

 

You do not want a drunk around your children - especially if they are girls - speaking from scarring experience!

I am so sorry, I know it's scary to consider changing your whole life around - but better now than later - after the damage is irreparable.

If you need a shoulder, we are here.

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Your future husband sounds just like my ex-husband. I don't know you but I am extremely concerned about you. This man is not just disrespectful to you and your children but he is an abusive person. Abuse is not confined to being physical. Abuse can be mental, emotional, sexual and spiritual. When he controls the finances, he is putting you in a dangerous and vulnerable position. He does not want you involved because you would have some control. Abusive people want ALL of the control. When he calls you names and degrades your home-making skills, he is abusing you. Not to say that people don't say things they don't mean sometimes but abusers make this a habit. Check your life...do you have to ask for money for lunch/groceries/gas etc? Do you have the ability to spontaneously go out with friends for dinner/lunch/movies? Is your family welcome anytime? Friends? What about your children? Have you talked to them about their feelings about this man? Children have a keen sense of character. I think that you will find that he has the control and power. I know that you are a single mother and that is very scary. It is even scarier when you are in school and trying to better your life. But I can tell you from experience that he will not change and you and your children are in danger. Your children are going to learn from him the proper way to treat women. Do you want them to imitate them? I think not. My advice is to get out now before you and your children are harmed more.

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Tabbygirl Posts : 342 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Troysgirl - I know neither you nor your FH, but please, please listen to the advice of these other ladies.  Based on the information you provided, I agree with the others that these are signs of abuse.  No one deserves the type of treatment you are enduring.  You shouldn't be entering into a marriage feeling downtrodden and inferior, which is what your FH is doing to you.  This will only get worse as the years go on.  It will not get better, especially once children come into the picture.  They will see how you are treated, and will think it's ok to be that way to others.

 

I always believe in listening to your gut instincts.  Yours are obviously screaming to reconsider committing yourself to a man who does not hold you as precious and with the utmost love and respect as his equal and best friend.  You wouldn't be "venting" this, if your instincts were telling you otherwise.  I hope I wasn't being too harsh, but I don't want to see you or any other human treated wrongly.


 

 

"Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs." - Charlotte Bronte

www.gigmasters.com/classical/AlyssaLehman/

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 5:46 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

GET AWAY FROM HIM!!Surprised

 

Emily and Jon

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KitKatBar Posts : 983 Registered: 7/23/06
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Honey, I gotta agree with the other girls, you need to get out of there, and you need to get out of there quickly. This man is hurting you. 

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Guest
Re: I think I want to call it off...major VENT!
Posted: Oct 2, 2006 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: KitKatBar

I totally agree with the other ladies. Mental abuse can easily turn to physical abuse, and material things aren't everything. People don't change and unless you are willing to deal with this for the rest of your life then you need to get out. If not for you, but for your children, even if he is good to them, abuse hurts everyone involved.

Jen
Jen

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