Please Help - Engaged and Confused

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Guest
Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 1:57 PM

I am getting married. And I love my man very much. I know he loves me to, very much. We dated since college. He is great to me and my mom and he'll be a good husband and a good dad. So I'm really happy. He asked me to marry him in April. Well I went out with my girls a few weeks ago. They are not dating anybody and wanted to go meet some guys. I went out because I hadn't seem them for a while but didn't want to meet anybody. Well this guy, who's a friend of one of my friends was there to meet my other friend, who is not dating anyone. Well, He and I know eachother from highschool and I always liked him then, but we never dated or anything. He was real friendly to one of my girls, but he was more friendly to me. I think he likes me. I talked about my fiance so he knows i am marrying. But I think I have a crush. I saw him again and we ended up flirting UndecidedI mean, I love my fiance, so why do I have feelings for some other guy? What should I do? I think he just moved back into our area, so I think I will be seeing this guy out with my group of friends. Please give me advise. I am so lostCry

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

If you have FEELINGS for another guy you SHOULD NOT be getting married PERIOD!!! You said you JUST got engaged and you are already flirting with other men and having "feelings" for another man. That is NOT fair by any means to your FH...at all, you need to put this engagement to a STOP or at least have a VERY long engagement until YOU figure out what YOU want....do not string along your FH....that is wrong. You need to tell your FH about these feelings that you are having for another man and let your FH move on with his life!! You said your FH will be a good husband and a good dad.....In MY eyes a good husband and a good dad deserves a GOOD wife....and while I am NOT saying that you will never be a good wife ( I am not saying that at all) But, if you are having feelings for another man...then there is no way humanly possible that you will be able to be a good wife to your FH while you are having those feelings!! Think about it if the shoe was on the other foot....would you want to marry your FH if he was having "feeling" for another woman....that wouldn't be fair to you!!! And it won't be fair to him...please put a stop to it now!!!

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think its more of the fact you liked this guy before, now he's showing interest so it throws you a little off balance. Im not going to say you shouldnt marry your fh or that you should. Find out whats going on and try to do it fairly soon. If you know you love FH please dontscrew it up, just being curious will only break hearts, believe me been there done that, i was just lucky enough to get my FH back. and now after i realized what i done i would have NEVER done it to begin with but sometimes it takes something dramatic to show you what you have now i more thankful to have him than ever before now i dont even have the slightest itch to even look another guys way more like i cant take my eyes away from FH now.... cliche i know buts its very true. 

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:16 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think that it is totally normal to have attractions to other men.  We are human after all.  It doesn't mean that we are going to act on it or that we love our men any less.  It is just human nature to be attracted to some people more than others.  Now, if you are seriously thinking of pursuing this attraction further, then you DEFINITELY need to re-evaluate you relationship.  Could it also be that you are not looking forward to giving up your single life? 

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

But, the OP didn't say she was just attracted ckister.....she said she has feelings...THAT is completley different...and really unfair to her FH!! Attraction of course is normal as you said we are only human, but having feelings for another man while you have already promised to marry another is a whole different ballgame than seeing a guy somewhere and thinking he is attractive!!

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i agree with some of the above posters. being attracted to someone is NORMAL. think Brad Pitt, anyone?!? i think it is when you are tempted to ACT on those attractions when you are crossing the line. also, i understand that you may have "feelings" for this new guy, but maybe it is more the thrill of the chase then it is "real love" or anything close to it. while its true that  i love my DH more then ever, every passing day, i don't have that initial thrill over "will he call?" "does he like me?" anymore. and to be honest, i really don't miss it!

 

 

I also aggree that you may want to take your engagement slowly. just because you love someone doesnt mean you ought to marry them. a marriage must also be about common interests, goals and pursuits too. i don't want to discourage you, and if you do beleive your FH is the "one" please work this out with him.  but please remember a broken engagement is much easier to work through than a broken marriage. best wishes in your figuring out your situation.

 

 

my original sentance posted at same time as Gin, not in response to her postSmile she may have a point point about feeling and attraction...


Message was edited by jgorczy06 on Sep 29, 2006 2:37 PM

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Some times we all get caught up in it when someone acts like they like us...come on we all like attention. I love my FH but have been in this situation...we all wanted to be wanted. It will usually wear off pretty quick and you'll go back to just seeing them as a friend...maybe an attractive one but hey...I find myself saying "if I was single...Dont stress about it.

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I read your profile are you getting married in less than two months?

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This is COMPLETLEY NORMAL!!! It happened to me as well a few months ago...I had been engaged about a month or so when a good friend of mine admitted he had strong feelings for me. This totally threw me off balance. I love my FH, but it still threw me off balance. For the sake of my FH, I cut off the friendship with my friend.   It will pass, I promise.
 

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 29, 2006 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Whoa now, have you thought that maybe you are just nervous about your upcoming marriage? I mean, it's a big step! I think maybe we need you to clarify what you mean by feelings for this guy- are they feelings of physical attraction, confusion, nostaligia, or are they feelings of emotional attraction? I'm guessing since you only spent an evening with him in the company of others that it's the former types I mentioned. You may just be panicking about never having that rush of a new relationship again. I think you need to take the time to face any fears you may be having. They don't make you a bad person, and they don't mean you don't love your FH, but for your own sake you need to confront any fears.

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 30, 2006 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

It is perfectly normal to feel attracted to other men, and to have doubts. The issue is how strongly you feel (is there an emotional bond or just attraction) and what you do about it. Don't freak out about it, just have a good think about what you want. And remember that the grass is always greener... No one else can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. If you're grown-up enough to get married, you're grown-up enough to be able to tell the difference between being flattered and sentimental and being in love with someone else. And feelings for other people aren't just something you HAVE. You make choices, you decide to do or not do things, you decide to avoid or seek people out. You have all the choices. Good luck.

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 30, 2006 11:57 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

feelings like you know sick to your stomach giddy like. i mean not like i want to marry him. I guess I just thought I wouldn't feel like that the way. Yeah we are getting married soon because we've known eachother so long and really want to get married soon. But that's cool. it's just scary that I see this guy and he's always trying to talk to me and flirt and all. Only two times so far i've seen him. I just mean hasn't anyone been tempted? does that sound stupid? I don't want to cheat and wouldn't ever. But I just feel weird. guess maybe a bit scared about november, but in a good way, but I don't want to make a mistake. Idon't think finace is a mistake, but all the guys my mom dates, seem real nice and they end up being real a$$s. maybe I'm scared, I dunno. Sorry to tell you all but didn't really want to talk to my home friend's about this, you know what I mean? 

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Sep 30, 2006 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I definitely know what you mean! Been tempted - yes. I would imagine most people are at some point in their lives - I mean what are the odds that you'll never meet anyone attractive and nice again after you meet your fiance? The world is full of attractive and nice people! But never ever do anything about it. I wouldn't, couldn't, ever. But I know the giddy feeling and all that. We're all human! But just think how hurt your fiance wouid be, and how sorry you'd be. I don't think it's worth it, ever. Take it as a compliment! And some guys see it as a challenge to 'get' a girl who's taken - especially if she had a thing for them before. I think he's being a bit of an a$$ for trying to tempt you, to be honest. Enjoy the confidence-boost and avoid him, is what I say. I hope you have a really beautiful wedding!

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Oct 1, 2006 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Just be honest with yourself, because you cant go wrong if you are honest within yourself.  Now, as for this guy..you have not dated him, you dont really even know what he is like, he could be nothing like you imagined...just because a guy is good looking does not mean you will find him interesting or a good companian for life. And did you ever think he was after you JUST because you were engaged!!?? i know guys who think this way, they dont want a relationship with this woman, they just wanna know if they could get her...these men are not worth the time of day, no matter how charming and flirty they are! Try and remember that...now may i ask how old you are? i realise people are ready when they are ready to marry but if i was 21 say, i wouldnt be ready to marry, when i was 21 i liked going to clubs dancing and meeting guys...mabye you are not at the stage in your life to be married?? There is no shame or anything wrong with that...please just try and be true to yourself.  And the wedding is very close! mabye its just the jitters??  If you are stressing over this, i would advise to talk to one trusted friend you know....you shouldnt have to deal with it on your own..good luck.

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Guest
Re: Please Help - Engaged and Confused
Posted: Oct 6, 2006 11:18 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

This happened to me late last year. We weren't acutally engaged yet but the ring was picked out and we were going through a tough time in our relationship.   Anyway, I met a guy in one of my classes and developed a huge crush on him. I felt horrible. I actually came on here and asked basically the same question you're asking. Several people told me that I was too young and probably not ready to get married. Those posts didn't help at all! So if you feel in your heart that your ready to get married don't let naysayers get you down.

My crush passed when I realized there was noone I'd rather be with than FH and I also realized that this other guy would drive me crazy and wasn't all that great. Give it time and things will probably sort themselves out on their own. Good luck

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