Problems with FH

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 12:33 AM

When my fiance was overseas for 'work' he told me he went to a girly bar with a couple of guys from work. Here I am at home looking after the children while he is out doing that stuff. It wasn't like a normal girly bar it was one in Thailand where the girls shoot ping pongs out of their youknowwhats. wtf? He thought it was hilarious. Is that just the most disgusting thing you've ever heard? Has anyone ever heard of this? He says there were more girls there watching than guys. Well, I find that hard to believe. I am re-thinking the wedding. He says I am overreacting but I just think it's disgusting. Am I just being a prude or should he have just gone back to the hotel rather than watch something like that? 


 

 

A problem shared is a problem halved  Smile

7/7/07 bride!!!

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Guest
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 1:23 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

I do personally think that you're overreacting, but I'm not marrying FH, you are.  If this is something that is a huge problem for you but FH is laid back about it, obviously this will not be an isolated incident in your lifetime together.  That doesn't mean FH is going to go to tons of places like that, but surely there will be other situations that you are 'disapproving' of.  You need to discuss this with FH throroughly.  Tell him all your feelings about this and if you absolutely cannot tolerate this sort of stuff then both of you will likely be happier apart.  Best of luck to you.

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Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 1:40 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

I understand that your feelings may be hurt but yes you are overreacting and behaving like a prude. But, only you know what you can tolerate. He was just having some mindless amusing fun and laughing it up with his friends. Because the U.S. is so "conservative", people that go to other countries (sometimes) seem to want to experience or see what other cultures are doing, without all the moral hassle.

 

The more women try and restrict their men, the more they feel like they're missing out and lash out. You know, like children do........lol But seriously, think of it like this people that watch Fear Factor or that movie Jackass, are grossed out but they can't help but watch. I wouldn't go and start rethinking the marriage just because he went and experienced something that "you" view disgusting.


D.S......KissSoon to be Mrs. Stovall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 2:33 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

You're probably right. I do have a habit of overreacting.

 

 

A problem shared is a problem halved  Smile

7/7/07 bride!!!

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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 7:55 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

Hi Mum,

I too agree that you're overreacting.  I do agree that it is pretty nasty - but it's a whole nother country and their sexual culture is very different than in the US.   I would def just explain to him that you don't agree with places like that and it hurt your feelings.  I certainly wouldn't be calling off your wedding over it.  And there probably were more girls than guys in there - although I wouldn't want to see it - I know lots of girls who love going to even just a strip club.  Just rock his world tonight and he'll know what  he has (O:  LOL.  Believe me when me and FH were only together a few months I was helping him clean out some things from when he was in the USMC over in CA - well I found a picture of a girl with a damn glo stick up her vagina.  I was completely grossed out, only to find out a couple months down the road that he slept with her!!!  I was repulsed by the fact that a girl would do such a thing and let people take pictures of it ... but we weren't together and what could I do.  I forgot about it up until right now.  (O:  I do know that it's a little different where he's your FH - but it is gross and some girls just like to do that stuff.  I like to scrapbook, they look to shoot things out of their vaginas.  Or stick glo sticks up there.  Whatever floats their boats, my FH knows that I was grossed out by it, so just let yours know.   


Halfway there.... 04.14.07 I become a Mrs!!

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KateS Posts : 208 Registered: 7/14/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 9:15 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

Mum - Although you may be overreacting by rethinking the wedding, I don't think you are wrong or a prude.  I would be heart broken if my fiance went to one of these bars.  We have a very committed, exclusive and respectful relationship and none of this includes looking at the opposite sex in a sexual way.  I am sure your FH just thought it was a funny, guy thing to do and in that sense it is harmless, however, if this type of activity makes you feel less loved, respected, or creates distance between the two of you, your FH needs to respect those feelings and stay away from places like that.

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JenlovesDon Posts : 414 Registered: 6/20/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 9:38 AM Go to message in response to: KateS

I agree 100% with KateS.

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 10:03 AM Go to message in response to: JenlovesDon

I have to disagree and say I do not think you are overreacting.  My FH went to the red light district when he was deployed, which was before we ever even met, and I get upset when I think about that.  The reason is because we do not want to think about our men with another woman in any way, espically in an engagement or marriage. 

If this makes you feel disrespected or insecure and your FH feels like its not a problem, and doesn't understand where you're coming from............that makes it a huge problem.  I say a lot of discussion is in order in this situation.  

But I have to say it is a good thing that he told you about it.

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Guest
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: KateS

I totally agree with you on having a committed, exclusive and respectful relationship but to actually believe and think that he will not "look" at the opposite sex in a sexual way is unrealistic. Men are creatures of the physical. Regardless if it's a passing thought or a lingering feeling, it happens and with so many other beautiful women out there in the world it's just insane to me to think that way.

 


D.S......KissSoon to be Mrs. Stovall!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Guest
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 11:17 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't think you're overreacting at all. While I wouldn't rethink the wedding, communication with your FH about it is definitely important. Are you guys going through premarital counseling at all? That can always help address things like that. DH would never think of going to a girly club. If he did, I would be devestated. I know there will be times where he might see a woman and think "she's hot" which is fine, because there are guys that I'm attracted to as well. But to have him go out of his way to find some type of physical satisfaction through lusting after another woman? No way!!!!! If that's something he ever feels he needs to do, then we need to have a serious talk, because somethings wrong in our relationship where he doesn't feel like something's being fulfilled, and he's not talking to me about it. 


It's one thing about looking at another woman and thinking she's attractive. It's another to watch her take her clothes off. 

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KateS Posts : 208 Registered: 7/14/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 11:19 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree it is unrealistic for any of us, men or women, to put blinders on and never acknowledge there may be someone of the opposite sex who is attactive or sexually appealing.  This is different than seeking this out by going to a bar where women dance naked.  I know my fiance loves to look at beautiful women, that is how he says he was first attracted to me!  (Flattery WILL get him everywhere!), however, I do expect him to respect my feelings by not attending parties, or going to bars where naked women are the entertainment (I feel this is, in general, disrespectful to women and it is not in his character to show disrespect for anyone) or turning his head at every young thing that walks by.    In kind, I will refrain from going to beefcake establishments or oogling men pumping iron at the gym.  The only gorgeous body I need to see is his - this is what fufills me emotionally and sexually.

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Guest
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: 071707

mumnbride...You are NOT overreacting. You and this man have decided to spend the rest of your lives together, and share each others expereiences. I hope you are not offended by what i am aboutto say, but in My opinion your man should have expressed the utmost respect for you waround you and even more so, in your absense. He shoudl have not went, and waited till he got home to discuss that need or curiousity WITH you. For him to play off your emotions and say you are overreacting....is completely out of line. Once again, this is my opinion. Where you in his place, and you went away with your girlfriends...would he think it was " totally hilarious" if you had seen a couple of naked dudes???? Probably not. Out of love and integrity he should have talked to you first! You and your kids are his #1 priority, he isnt a frat boy anymore...i dont mean to demean your man, ai am sure that normally he is very lovign and committed, but i cant believe that this is okay on any level. Another naked woman is still another naked woman, no matter what she is doing with her youknow what...(by the way , the thing with ping pongs is the weirdest thing i have ever heard..lol) Ask yourself this, if my husband wathced a porno by himself and "experienced" it alone...am i okay with that? Am i okay with him looking at other woman ...naked? Am i okay with the way i have now been portrayed to his friends...( i would suspect that his friends will see how he behaves and believe that is the standard for how you are respected by him and others)...I know i may be coming across very strong about this, but i guess i believe that relationships have lost their magic and mystery because we have made it that way. Dont minimize how you feel, it is valid. And love him, by telling him how it has affected you...if it has.

Good luck darlin'

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: KateS

Amen KateS.  I am not saying not to look either, but noticing a woman in the mall is different than intentionally going to a strip club to see one naked.....

 

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Guest
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: ilovehim

I'm no prude and I don't expect my dh to be blind to other women but going to a bar to watch women shoot ping pong balls out of their hooha is just nasty. I also find it completley impossible to imagine that there were more women in this bar then men unless those women were prostitutes seeking customers (which given the fact that this was Thailand is probably the case).

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RMB0414 Posts : 1,386 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: Problems with FH
Posted: Sep 22, 2006 12:32 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Their hooha ... lol that just made me laugh.  I usually refer to it the same way.  Laughing

Halfway there.... 04.14.07 I become a Mrs!!

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