Does your FH want children? Kind of long...

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 4, 2006 12:02 AM

***Update!***

We went to the therapist the other day and spent 2 hours talking about everything.  There were other issues that came up, unfortunately still related to my illness BUT I am so happy to say that we worked out a lot of problems and everything is fine now.  We plan to see the therapist a couple more times because the stiuation we are in is just plain stressful but I think we are on the right track.  :)  Shortly after we got home he was talking with my mom and she told me later that he was completely gung ho about having kids in a few years!  :)

Things are good between us now.  Thank you all for your support.  I think you all know I am going through a really terrible time and it really helps to have non-involved third parties weigh in.

 

 

OK, I am just so confused and I don't know what to do.  As many of you know I will need a hysterectomy sooner rather than later because of my extremely long illness.  I have now been sick for almost a full year so FH and I only had a normal relationship for 9 months.  Because of the huge amount of pain I am in on a near constant basis we have not had sex for several months.  We do fool around on occasion although he has to initiate it whereas I used to initiate everything else.  FH has barely had any relationships before me and had to get used to having a girlfriend and now a fiancee.  He says it will take him a while to get used to having a wife.  All of this is fine.  Before my illness I originally wanted to have a baby 2 years after we were married but I have changed that to 4- 5 years even though I am already 30.  FH is nowhere near ready to have a kid anytime soon and I honestly have several things I want and need to accomplish before having a baby.

Now my illness has complicated things earlier.  After I have the hysterectomy the only options for kids is to use a surrogate (I will still have my ovaries) or adopt.  Neither of these will be as simple as going off birth control and not using a condom.  I am so scared that when the time comes and we have all sorts of difficulty with the process and expenses of a surrogate or adoption that FH will just decide that he doesn't want any kids.

I talked to him about this tonight and I told him I know he couldn't predict the future and know how he will feel in 4 or 5 years but I have to know if he even wants kids at all.  His answer wasn't encouraging.  The best I got was that he doesn't feel at all ready- physically, emotionally, and financially- but that he thinks he would be sad if he was old and never had any children.

I have been seeing a wonderful therapist and I plan to discuss it with her and bring FH in to an appointment soon but I don't know what to do if he says he doesn't want to have kids.  I love him so much but at the same time I really, really want to have kids someday even if it is complicated because of a surrogate or adoption.

Can anyone give me advice?  I know this is so long and I appreciate you reading this but I have gotten bad advice in the past because I left something out in favor of brevity.

And one more thing, to those of you who are concerned about my health and my getting a hysterectomy so young and so soon- please don't worry.  I have had 4 separate opinions from highly recommended doctors and I will have another appointment soon.  I assure you that I am not jumping into anything and I have researched and evaluated a number of different treatment options but I have not responded well to any that I have tried.  If you know something I might not know or, even better, know of some doctor ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD that is an expert with this please PM me.  Otherwise, I do appreciate your concern but trust me when I say I am covering all bases. 


Message was edited by newsjunkie on Sep 7, 2006 11:18 AM

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Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 4, 2006 8:32 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I think you’re on the right track with bringing your FH to an appointment or two with your therapist.  Infertility can be a major issue with couples and can leave one or both parties feeling inadequate. 

 

There could be a number of things he’s worried about.  He could be focused on the here and now and wanting to see you get better before thinking about what’s going to happen in the future.  He could be worried about the toll those options will take on you and him and your relationship.  He could be worried about how he will feel once the baby is here. 

 

I personally never wanted children growing up.  But when I met my FH and he talked about wanting one child and how awesome it would be to be a dad, it changed my mind.  But I don’t think that I would have changed my feelings about having kids if it wasn’t for the two of us talking about it. 

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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 4, 2006 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

newsjunkie, before you start panicking, from what you typed it didn't seem as if he doesn't want them, he just doesn't feel ready.  I've had this conversation with my FH as well, who is a mature, responsible guy - I was also his first real relationship, he was a very shy person before me.  He told me he is afraid of being a father, he wasn't sure if he is ready (we both feel we need more financial readiness, but we aren't in a rush).  However, he is not adverse to having children - I think he wants a bit of "us" time after getting married.  If anything, your FH saying he would be sad without having children is a very good sign - if he had told you flat out that he doesn't like kids, or had no feelings regarding them whatsoever, then I think you'd be in a bad situation.

Now, unless you feel that he was being dishonest with you about his feelings, I don't know what you hope a therapist will do, except ask him certain leading questions to maybe get him to explain himself better.  I personally feel you can do this yourself.  Does he know that you definitely want children - like straight up telling him, how you told us in this post?  Are you more concerned that he would only want children to appease you?  I know you are in a much more sensitive timeline with this than most women, so maybe you are that much more anxious about this - but I am wondering if he is being honest with you and himself about him wanting to be a father one day, or if he is just trying to make you happy, knowing what you are going through.

news, you said that you would be having the child later on now, due to your illness - are you expecting less pain 4-5 years down the line?  I was just sorta confused about all that - and I'm so sorry you have to deal with this illness.  When would you be having this hysterectomy?

Jamie and Bill
Daisypath Ticker

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 4, 2006 10:19 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

'but that he thinks he would be sad if he was old and never had any children.'

I think that says it all right there. I think he is open to having children and honestly no on is ever really ready physically, emotionally or financially to have a child. You don't know exactly what you are getting into until you are into it!

My husband and I talked about children but never specifically how many or when. It was more of a spontaneous thing. My husband was the 'whatever you want honey' type of guy.

I am wondering if maybe your FH will be the same way. He's not saying no children. He's just saying not right now. You and he will have to work a lot harder than the typical couple when it comes to having children. I wonder if at this time he is just thinking about you, getting you better and spending some quality time with just you.

As you said no one can predict the future. He loves you and I imagine he would do whatever needs to be done for you to have children in the future if that is what you want. 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 4, 2006 2:35 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

"FH has barely had any relationships before me and had to get used to having a girlfriend and now a fiancee.  He says it will take him a while to get used to having a wife."

I remember you health issues and your search for information. I wish you all the best with your surgery and recovery. What's happening today with egg donation and other fertility treatments should give you great hope that when the time comes to have children, you will be able to accomplish your dream.

But, I do think you're on the right track with seeing a therapist, and that your FH should be involved as well. You two have had so little "normal" time to get to know each other, emotionally and especially, physically. I know that the things he's saying sound just like normal guy things, insecurities about the future. But I think the therapist would help the two of you to solidify your thoughts, dreams, fears, so that you do not go into this marriage confused about what either of you is "really" saying--certainly, counseling sessions couldn't hurt. 

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:51 AM Go to message in response to: myra

First of all, I would like to say congragulations on being so strong and getting through this difficult year.  I hope you are proud of yourself too.  


Next, it is clear your FH loves you very much.  He has been there with you this whole time, and he is clearly aware of this means for your future together and is okay with that.  

There are a number of things that can be going on.  He may be backing off because he wants to protect you, by not making it a big deal if you don't have kids.  He may also be so focused on wanting you to get better that he can't think that far ahead yet.  Also, one last thought, he may not be able to imagine having kids right now because you are sick and are in no shape to be running after little ones.   

One thing for sure is you won't know till you talk honestly with him and sometimes a third person (therapist) can help a couple have a truly honest discussion.

Focus on getting better, things always look and feel better when you have your health and a healthy future in front of you.  When you have your energy back you'll realize you guys can handle anything.  

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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 8:02 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I think even couples without fertility problems (or who don't know they have fertility problems) decide on a yes we will have kids or no we won't have kids before getting married, then one of them or both might change their minds later.  So what anyone says now isn't necessarily a predictor of what they will feel when the time comes to start or not start.

Megan

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 10:34 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I really don't have any advice to give, but I hope you will accept a HUG instead!  Stay strong and god bless!   


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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Can I first say KUDOS TO YOU!!!! You are SUCH a STONG woman to being dealing with all of this and I am so sorry for your situation!!! But.....I think that you sound to be doing a fantastic job (better than most) at dealing with all of this misfortune. I think that and I mean this in the best way possible....but I think that you need to focus on you getting better right now before you think about kids......that being said, I think it is a wonderful idea for you to bring him with you to therapy. We all know that guys (more times than not) if THEY themselves can not solve a problem they would rather just not deal with it.....so this might help him to cope as well...you are going through something MAJOR and he might not know what to do...Becasue the role of the MALE is to protect the woman they love and in this situation he can't do anything to help you and is probrably feeling very lost. As far as his response to the children, maybe he just wants to take things one day at a time until you are 100% back to yourself. Can I ask and I am sorry if you mentioned this before and I didn't catch it, but how old are you? But, of course he is not going to be ready right now physically and emotionally....he is too wrapped up in you and your well being to add anything more.....please do not ready too much into his respone and concentrate on getting yourself better!!! HUGS*****

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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i can totally empathize news. my husband and i are working through some "future kid" issues of our own. i suffer from a chronic illness which could cause difficulties during childbirth and i have to change medications so i dont have children with potential birth defects. fun, huh? plus FH was in a special unit during the first Gulf War and has severe stomach problems that were a direct result of Gulf War Syndrome (a number of people in his unit had children with physical deformities and health issues). when we got together neither knew if we really COULD have kids.

 

before we even got the go ahead to try we decided to talk about it. because really, if the best thing happens, GREAT! but it helped to discuss a plan of action if having kids was NOT a possibity. Both FH and i decided that having a family was more important to us then giving birth. we decided, though we would try, we were open to adoption.

 

now we have the go ahead, once i get on my new meds i can begin to try. DH is a bit older so we dont want to wait much longer, but i'm excited. we've made a decision if it doesnt happen in 3 years time we will proceed with adoption. if it we do conceive during that time, we will content because we have agreed that we would like to have multiple children.  

 

 

i guess what you need to decide is what is most important to YOU. for some people they feel the need to give birth, other women, simply the need to have a child (ie, adoption/ surrogacy), still others have neither need. none of these personal decisions are right or wrong. Then you have to see if your FH's needs are the same as yours. If they aren't you love may not be enoguh to be able to overcome this. hopefully it is, and if so, one of you will have to compromise.

 

before deciding on the compromise also consider his side. he may be thinking that now is a scary time. while you see the love a baby can provide, you have previously mentioned that you guys are on a very tight budget and times are financially very difficult. is it possible he is worried about how another person to support might effect your financial position? Don't get me wrong, im not suggesting that he would regret a baby, but i can understand a man wanting to provide a certain lifestyle for his family and the frustration, fear and hurt he might experience, being financially unable to do so. i am sure he has never regretted helping you threw difficult times, because isdnt love to be exist through out sickness and health, rich and for poorer? but can you blame him if he chooses not to exacerbate those situations? maybe he is also concerned about who childbirth with effect your health further? whatever comes about, best wishes. and take heart that whatever your decision is, being true to yourself at this point is what is most important. neither one of you wants to live a life in a marriage which is filled with regrett or resentment, so be honest, work hard together during your therapy sessions and find the best path for you.

 

 

 

 

 

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LizS Posts : 1,982 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 7, 2006 12:44 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

First of all, I know what you are going through.  My sister is only 29 and will have to have a hysterectomy sometime in the near future.  She has a beautiful boy and another one on the way.  They wanted kids very soon, but it is perfectly normal if you don't right now.  I think it is great that you & your FH are willing to communicate about what you each want & figure out some sort of compromise. 

 

I can also see how he wants a kid of his own eventually.  I think you just need to talk more & see what the doctors say.  It seems like you have weighed all of your options and are very smart about what your options are.  I think it seems like you both wany kids SOME DAY...just not within the next few years.  Just keep in mind that the older you get the greater chance for birth defects and complications.  Not to say this should be a deciding factor, but it is something else to consider.


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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Gin, I am 30 so I am very aware that with my illness or not we would need to have kids within the next few years if we are going to have them at all.  To all who wondered, I just saw my doctor the other day and he listed a ton of things we can try before a hysterectomy.  However, they might work or they might not.  If they don't work then I am stuck with horrible abdominal pain and can't get out of bed.  The stuff I am on now I can only take for 6 months at a time with the possibility of relief continuing anywhere from 1 month to a year after stopping.  However, you can only do 2 courses of this so I have a max of 4 years likely with episodes of recurrent pain for 2-4 months in between treatments.

My point is that I am going to give it some more time but it is inevitable that I will have to have a hysterectomy and I think it might be best for my psyche to just have it sooner rather than later.  Even if I got pregnant now and all my symptoms disappeared for 9 months it would come right back and I wouldn't be able to take care of my baby. 

One thing that helps me keep going is that I always try to connect one good thing with a bad thing.  In this case I have decided that when I get a hysterectomy I am going to get breast implants at the same time.  Please don't think I am vain or anything- I have hated my boobs forever.  I was an A among friends with D's and one is also much smaller than the other.  So, if I have to do the surgery I might as well get them done then because I won't need them for breastfeeding.  Hey, the logic works for me.  :)

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Guest
Re: Does your FH want children? Kind of long...
Posted: Sep 8, 2006 12:49 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Can I just say that you have a WONDERFUL outlook!!! Really and truly I admire you and your strenght and ability to look on the positive side. I hope that everything works out for the best for you and you DH !!!!! You just amaze me really!!!

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