FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month

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Guest
FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 28, 2006 7:05 PM

The wedding is less than a month away and my FH and I are not getting along very well.  I feel like he's backed out of the planning just when I need his help the most. We argue and I feel like he's pulling away. He was so helpful and excited to help in the beginning, now I have to nag at him to get him to do anything. Anyone have this problem?

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 28, 2006 7:11 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hi Annie... Im not having this problem, yet lol. Hopefully I wont, only 2 months to go. How long has he been acting this way? Has anything changed lately that would stress him out or make him upset in some way? I really think that you NEED to talk to him about this soon. If you cant bring up his behavior and be honest about stuff like this now, then itll be even worse once youre married. Just sit him down during a calm moment one night and let him know that youre worried about him, concerned, is he okay. When he asks why, tell him youve noticed that he doesnt seem to be interested or have enthusiasm about your wedding lately, and ask him why. Tell him how hard youre working and how much you need his help. Dont bring this up in an accusatory way... or when you need help with a specific project... just when the two of you are sitting around on the couch or whatever. See what he says. His reaction and how he deals with the problem will tell you a lot.
Kelley Lynn:)

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 28, 2006 9:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Not exactly, but I will say that the last month can be quite overwhelming and stressful in addition to being exciting. Tons of stuff to do, tons of checks to write, and you often have a lot of people coming at you from all sides (either pushing to get stuff done, or constantly asking "SO? Ya nervous yet????"). Make it double if you're adding to it by moving in together at the same time or other big logistical/emotional changes.

The best way to handle it is just be honest. Not accusatory, not pissed off, but just tell him, "Look, I feel like there's a lot that needs to get done. You were such a big help to me at first, and now that I'm feeling overwhelmed, it seems like you're leaving me hanging. I don't want to come down on you harshly for it, but I get frustrated b/c I don't know why you seemed to stop helping." Then sit back and see what he says. If he blows up or gets upset, even if you put this to him calmly, then he may be having some serious jitters or anxiety about the wedding and the upcoming end of his singlehood, which he needs to discuss with someone he trusts. If he brushes it off, then you may just need to impress upon him that you really DO need his help, and give him his choice from a handful of tasks to get done (then let him get them done HIS way; don't nag or micromanage).

One thing my husband mentioned a couple of times right before and after the wedding was that as it got closer, and the big stuff had been taken care of (food, place, etc), I came across as so focused on how I wanted the details, that he felt it was easier and safer to stay out of my way! He also mentioned that in general, so much attention is centered on the bride and what she wants.. the groom seems expected to just show up at the right place and time.

I will say that as stressed as we both got at times, a couple of days before he completely relaxed and got into the groove of it like he had at the beginning. And everything sailed pretty smoothly from there. You'll survive. Wink

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 29, 2006 2:16 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think whether this is serious or not depends on what kind of problems you two are having. If he is stressed about the $$$ or the amount of things that need to be done, or about your bridezilla episodes (yep, these are the things that are starting to freak my FH out!) then I say no big deal. HOWEVER, if he is distant and cold and doesn't want to talk about it at all, or went from completely excited to not wanting to even hear about it, then you may have a problem on your hands. In either case, bring it up casually and see where he stands. DO NOT say "we need to have a talk"...men will automatically become defensive or try to avoid the issue alltogether. Just mention that you've noticed he seems "a little overwhelmed" and ask if there is anything you could be doing differently to ease his stress. He is probably just getting ansy! Hope it turns out okay! Let us know!

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soulfulsista Posts : 75 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 29, 2006 4:31 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

annie1, FH and I are having the exact problems as you and your FH. My FH was excited and all for the planning in the beginning then with less than a month to go, he just doesn't do the things that I ask him. I warned him that the last month will be crazy and we will have to give everything we have this upcoming month, well that didn't work. Men function differently than women, so we have to take that into account. With my FH, we sat down and talked about it and we went over what needs to be done. I've pretty much accepted that I can do tasks for a longer period of time and get more done in one sitting, with him, he needs tasks that don't take too much time in one sitting. Also we also gave each other permission to do other activities to help us ease the stress.

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 29, 2006 4:44 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I found that we got more sensitive.  I got pissed because his best man said he didn't want to wear the boutonniere we had bought, preferring to pick one from his garden.  H got mad at me because he felt that his friends were already making more of an effort than usual (buying suits for our wedding), I felt that if they make all that effort, why can't he take the extra little step and put the damn boutonniere on and match the rest of the party?  Anyway, day of his friend wore the boutonniere on his black suit with his brown shoes and brown belt and truthfully, at that point I couldn't care less I had more important things to think about.  So, I think unless there are major problems, this time will pass.

Megan 

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 29, 2006 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My FH just informed me last night that he is going wine tasting in Paso Robles the weekend before our wedding for a business marketing event.  Umm.....clueless!!!  Men are clueless when it comes to wedding planning b/c women are mostly control freaks about the small details, and that is all that is left in the last month or so.  FH was great in helping pick food, venue, DJ, honeymoon, etc, but at this point he is not interested in designing placecards, making cute doggie collars for the wedding ceremony, printing programs, assembling welcome bags, etc.  I think you have to give your FH some slack it that area.  Now will I be happy if my FH goes to Paso to drink wine for the busiest weekend of our life....not really, but it might be best to just get him out of my hair so I can concentrate on wedding things :)

 

We are fighting quite a bit too, and it's distressing to a point, but I know that it is a manifestation of the stress that we are feeling.  I am a hurricane modeler and this is my busiest time of year at work, and FH started a new job managing an entire branch of a restoration company so he is overwhelmed, and we are in the homestretch of planning a wedding, so really, we have to believe that this is natural.  We both have assured each other that we cannot wait to be married, so I know we are on the same page, despite the extra irritability.

You might want to consider seeing a couples counselor just to help with your communication styles and to help express to your FH in a constructive way how you are feeling.  Just try not to be accusatory as a previous poster mentioned. 

 

Good luck and hang in there!

K

www.wineandvows.com

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 29, 2006 10:10 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

FH and I were having trouble with this.  We were starting to snap at each other and feeling so distant.  Finally I told him that it didn't feel right and I wanted to change it.  FH and I both sat down and shared our feelings - our fears about everything from paying for our own insurance to the possible children we'll have in the future. I think so many people get so wound up for the "beauty" of the wedding that they forget this is such a life-changing moment and therefore stressful.  Relax, go to your FH and give him a big hug.  Say, "I know we are both stressed, but I just want to say I love you and we'll be okay."  That's what I did, and at least it worked for me!

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Aug 31, 2006 7:48 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

We've talked and we both agree that this is not us, it's the stress of the planning and paying for everything and the fact that he is starting a new position at work, etc.  We assured each other that we want this and we love each other.  We had misunderstandings about him being involved.  Before he said he didn't care, but now he wants to be involved.  So, I try to include him in the few things we have left and things seem better.  Also, now when I ask him to do something, he does it and I don't have to ask him again and again.  We also take one weekend night every week and have some us time w/out any wedding talk.  Thanks for the great advice everybody!

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Sep 1, 2006 3:56 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

The last 7 DAYS BEFORE our wedding came, my husband and I were at it just about everyday over itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie stuff.     We were both stressed and frustrated and everything that could have gone wrong the week of, did.  I mean, I remember at one point I wanted to throw on a pair of boxing gloves  and go Mike Tyson on him because he seemed to be "so clueless" as to what was going on!!  

 

BUT it was shame on us for letting the stress consume us!!  I'm glad that you two were able to talk about it and realize what those issues were.




Message was edited by RoBelle on Sep 1, 2006 3:58 PM

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Guest
Re: FH and I are not getting along & the wedding's in less than a month
Posted: Sep 15, 2006 12:59 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I've been VERY STRESSED this week and therefore, FH & I have not been getting along all that great.  Our RSVP deadline was yesterday and of course, we have ALOT missing.  I finally sat down with him this morning and vented about everything going on, had a good cry and everything is fine now.  It was my own fault that I didn't tell him about everything that has been bothering me sooner.

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