I was excited about my wedding day...until i found out he had an affair
Posted: Aug 23, 2006 6:12 AM
im a confused bride to be...my bf and i have been dating for soo many years..we planned to get married this year but postponed it to next year due to some issues...
A month ago, he told me he had an affair with an officemate and he is regretful of the whole thingy and asked for my forgiveness...i was ok at first but now i am wondering if this guy is worth marrying now?
We were "once upon a time" very happy...and that is the only thing im holding on...i had my flaws but for him to do this was too much to bear...
Well... this is something only YOU can answer. It all depends on what you will and wont put up with in your life, in your husband to be. Some people can forgive an affair... some cannot. Its hard to put myself in that situation, but I dont think I could forgive it. Its good that he told you about it... a positive sign... however, if he is already betraying your trust before marriage, I do believe he would be capable of doing this again. This is not a good way to enter into a marriage. Also, you cant just have an affair.. apoligize and say you regret it, and hope it goes away. Thats not how it works. You and he need to DEAL with this together if you have any hope of a future with each other. You need to talk about it, about WHY he did this, how it made you feel, and can you move on, etc. You should also maybe see a counselor together to explore why this happened. Very sad situation... so sorry youre dealing with this... but its really entirely your call whether or not you want to move forward. I would say whatever you decide, how your fiance DEALS with this will tell you a lot about his character. Kelley Lynn:)
Re: I was excited about my wedding day...until i found out he had an affair
Posted: Aug 23, 2006 9:20 AMGo to messagein response to: kelleyiskelley
This definitely seems to go even deeper than his current affair. If you know already that you are no longer happy, then I think your decision is already made. If you've been together a long time, well, sometimes people grow apart. maybe counceling would be the best route right now.
On thing you may want to consider is how long ago was the affair, how long did it last and how has he been since then? You say you've been together for many years... if you've been together for 10 years and this happened 9 1/2 years ago, maybe he wasn't taking your relationship seriously at that time.
My only suggestion would be couseling. Most people have counseling before marraige to simply find out IF marriage IS the road they want to take. SO I would consider finding a counselor. It could be a pastor, minister, etc. I'm not sure what your faith/religion is, but definately do find a professional to help you out. I wouldn't turn too much to this board because WE can pretty much give advice based on OUR personal experiences. Some of us may be bitter and some may be forgiving. If you don't get profressional help NOW and just take our advice, later on those feelings MAY come back to haunt you. TRUST ME!! If you both go to counseling one on one and THEN together, you can both see where each other's head is at and you can pretty much determine IF he has any serious remorse and if there is a STRONG potential for him to cheat again. I don't know, i'm no expert BUT I do know that you MAY want to seek professional help on this one. This IS a VERY touchy situation. I truely wish you the best of luck!!
You say you're not happy now. It sounds like this relationship is a habit, not a love affair. If you're undecided, I suggest that you seek counseling for yourself, rather than for the relationship, to help you define your feelings and understand why you're hanging on, even when you're unhappy. Believe me, I'm not putting you down--I married my ex husband after a five year relationship, even though the happiness was gone long before the wedding took place. Needless to say, my first marriage ended in divorce. My second marriage has lasted over 30 years, so I learned some stuff about myself and my relationship in between. I could have saved myself a lot of unhappiness if I had sought counseling beforehand.
I wish I could tell you what to do. To me, cheating and affairs are unforgiveable. I was cheated on when I was with my high school boyfriend and it was awful when I found out; I can imagine what you are feeling like. Three years ago I was involved with a man whom I thought I would marry, but he confessed to me that while he hadn't cheated on me physically, he was in love with his longtime female friend. Our relationship was never the same after that, and although he swore he wanted to be with me and that he loved me and wanted to marry me, I couldn't look at him anymore without seeing how he had betrayed me.
I don't know your fiance, but I do believe in the old saying of "once a cheater, always a cheater". The man whom I mentioned above...while he didn't physically cheat, he emotionally cheated, and that was enough heartache for me. Now that I am with my Fh, I realize how valuable it is to give yourself to a man who gives his WHOLE self to you.
thank you so much to all of you for the advice and comments...im so touched by the respond and really appreciate each of the respond.
I want to look at things positively now, last nite i had a good cry and told myself i have to get a grip!. I want to cont with the marriage and we will be going for to a wedding counselling and education class in 2 weeks, that's a mandatory requirement in our religion.
I also want to learn to forgive....i may need it one day who knows..