Just Jitters or Something More?

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 9:57 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Correct me if I'm wrong here girls....but I think one of the major similarities that you will find w/ most of the second time brides on this broard is that when we got married the first time, we were VERY YOUNG!!!

 

I think w/ age comes wisdom, maturity, and most of all....self-respect.  When I got married for the first time: I was dumb as a brick, 19(enough said), and I thought that he treated me the way he did because I deserved it.   The longer we were together the more I learned about myself and what I wanted out of life, and realized that there was no way I was ever going to acheave it w/ him.

 

I also got married out of rebellion more than anything ( I didn't think that when I was 19, but now i know it). 

 

Can you see yourself growing old w/ this man?   BE HONEST!!!!!!  Also, one huge factor for me.....do you family and friends love him more than you do????  W/ my ex, my friends and family hated him.  W/ FH....they love him more than I do!  Everyone will get jitters.  Everyone will wonder if they are making the right decision.  You just have to be 200% honest w/ yourself.  yeah, it's gonna hurt to cancel an engagement, and prob be a financial loss....but if you get divorced it's about 10 times more expensive and hurts 100 times worse

 

I honestly don't think that anyone can tell you exactly what made them "know" they shouldn't have married him....call it woman's intuition.  if you're getting jitters cuz you hate to be the center of attention, that the cake will fall, that your dress won't fit right, that your weird relative will make a scene.....THAT'S NORMAL!!!  If you're worried about having to introduce this man has your husband for the rest of your life, you wonder if he'll be a good dad, you wonder if he'll change.....then maybe you need to sit and rethink what you are doing.

 

I hope this helps!


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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i think Megankay had some valid points...  I didn't trust my intuition about weather i should or should have married my husband, but those around me who had outside points of view. I asked my Pastor  ( ok actually he flat out told me marry him) and virtually everyone else... all of whom gave me the heads up.  Ask around. Why do they 'object'? I've had 2 good friends who have had to break tentative engagements... they are not fun I literaly sat next to one and held her hand as she told the man she loved with all her heart that they where through....  a few months later she was back " out there" and realizing how badly she had been treated, even though the guy she broke up with was spoiling her physically mentaly he was treating her like a child.  She is still single, but she know knows what she is looking for... to run away from!!!!


Daisypath Ticker"

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have to say I don't agree with all of Nicole's advice. Worrying about the cake and the fit of the dress isn't marriage jitters, it's just nerves about the wedding details, and I think it's a little extreme to say you should rethink the wedding if you have any worries bigger than that. Not every worry about your future with your husband is a serious red flag. Sometimes, it's just jitters, and it's natural to wonder when you're making such a big commitment.

 

Of course that's not to say that it's just jitters in every case. I am sure many brides experience valid serious doubts and intuition that they should pay attention to.

 

And yes, age can be a factor. Sometimes brides get married before they're ready. But that's a very personal thing; you know whether or not you're too young. I'm getting married at 22, and it is the right thing for me. I wouldn't have chosen that age if you'd asked me several years ago, but life sometimes works in unexpected ways, and this is the road life took me on, and this is the man I am supposed to marry. It's not because I think marriage will be fun (c'mon, I've had 4 years of college, I know what fun is), but because he's the best friend I've ever had, and with him by my side I am stronger, safer, and more loved than I ever dreamt I could be. We will grow and change as we get older, as we have these past four years, but we will do so together, with patience, forgiveness, and understanding, for the rest of our lives.


Future Mrs. Joseph Mizzi

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have to say I don't agree with all of Nicole's advice. Worrying about the cake and the fit of the dress isn't marriage jitters, it's just nerves about the wedding details, and I think it's a little extreme to say you should rethink the wedding if you have any worries bigger than that. Not every worry about your future with your husband is a serious red flag. Sometimes, it's just jitters, and it's natural to wonder when you're making such a big commitment.

 

Of course that's not to say that it's just jitters in every case. I am sure many brides experience valid serious doubts and intuition that they should pay attention to.

 

And yes, age can be a factor. Sometimes brides get married before they're ready. But that's a very personal thing; you know whether or not you're too young. I'm getting married at 22, and it is the right thing for me. I wouldn't have chosen that age if you'd asked me several years ago, but life sometimes works in unexpected ways, and this is the road life took me on, and this is the man I am supposed to marry. It's not because I think marriage will be fun (c'mon, I've had 4 years of college, I know what fun is), but because he's the best friend I've ever had, and with him by my side I am stronger, safer, and more loved than I ever dreamt I could be. We will grow and change as we get older, as we have these past four years, but we will do so together, with patience, forgiveness, and understanding, for the rest of our lives.


Future Mrs. Joseph Mizzi

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I haven't had time to read everyone else's responses, but this is what I went through...

 

I called off a wedding several years ago. It was easily the best decision I made in my entire life, but it was also the hardest thing I've ever had to say to someone. I think what cause the tipping point was that I was very unhappy for most of the engagement (which was 7 months.) I kept thinking "Wow. This isn't the person, I thought I'd end up with, but it looks like I am."

 

My fiance was not a bad person, per se, but I think he had serious alcohol and other problems. He also drove me nuts. Our personalities were completely incompatible and most often he embarrassed me more than anything else, for a lot of reasons I won't go into. TBL is that we weren't right together.

 

I was scared to call it off, because of all the people we'd be disappointing who were excited about the wedding. It's hard to walk away from a wedding and all the pretty dresses and flowers, etc. But in the end I realized I couldn't have a wedding because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. Or because other people thought I should.

 

 

I think the difference between wedding jitters and wanting to call it off has to do with the duration and frequency. I think Nichole is largely right--if your worry is about the details of the wedding, than I don't think a bride has much to worry about. But if the bride (or groom) persistently feels that the marriage would be a mistake and is constantly questioning her relationship, then I would say there's something wrong. This doesn't mean the wedding needs to be called off, necessarily, but there's nothing wrong with re-evaluating it. I think that's why so many churches require pre-marital counseling. It's an excellent idea. It's far easier to postpone a wedding than it is to go through a divorce.

 

I'm engaged to someone else now and don't feel the same way at all. I can tell I'm in a much better place. I don't feel that I'm settling. I feel like I've been given a gift. Oh sure. We're going to have squabbles, challenges and tests in our relationship, but I feel like we work with eachother instead of against eachother. 

 

I'm not advising anyone to do one thing or another, I'm just saying what I went through.

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 12:07 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I appreciate everyone's comments.  Smile

If you don't mind me going back to myself for a minute, someone asked why certain people in my life are unhappy with my relationship, so I'll try to address that.  The 2, maybe 3, people who feel that way truly have superficial resons for it.  For example, they don't think that my FH buys me enough gifts (gift occasions include major events, things brought back from business trips, and a few surprises per year); they don't think the gifts are "suitable" for an engaged couple, meaning they aren't romantic or traditional enough; they're worried that the fact that I am leaving my very promising job and moving to be with my FH means that I'll never make it "to the top" (more of a committment for them than for me--especially after children arrive); and they think that he is too introverted to keep up with my in-your-face personality.  I'm sure that some of you were thinking that he abuses or otherwise mistreats me, but don't worry, their concerns don't stem from anything like that.

I'm overall very happy in my relationship; it's only when people butt into details of my relationship that I begin to feel any insecurity, and even then, I've never considered breaking up with my fiance over it. 

Once again, my worries all come from the "what if"s in life.  For example, my FH is a very hard worker, and I sometimes wonder, "What if he works so hard that he neglects our marriage?".  It's not that his work has ever caused us a major problem, I just worry about what could potentially happen.  And I know that's not constructive at all and that I should stop!

Finally, we did counseling because we felt it would be beneficial (again, not due to any existing problem), and we passed with flying colors.  Also, we're not terribly young.  We're both well educated twentysomething professionals with sufficient incomes, considerable life experience for our place in life, and a well thought out roadmap for our future (marriage, career, financial, and family wise).

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 12:25 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

You seem to have your head on very straight. What do you need our advice for? :-) Also I think taking the time to give serious consideration to marriage issues is a good thing to do, and it sounds like everything's going to work out well for you.

Future Mrs. Joseph Mizzi

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks, and I do think that FH and I are doing everything right.  It's just that with the wedding only a little over a month away, the jitters (and yes, I'm pretty sure that's all they are) are really coming on strong.  Plus, it doesn't help that some people think I'm doomed to an unhappy future, regardless of how superficial their reasons for thinking that are.  With the stress getting to me, it's just nice to have a little extra support (yea, even if it's from a bunch of complete stragers on an internet forum!  Wink)

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 7:09 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

It sounds like you and your FH are actually doing quite well. 

Don't let you family and friends' opinions sway you.  They don't know him, and you-and-him like youdo.  Your heart will tell you if this is where you need to be. 

I have had a few of the same sort of comments and I know that a lot of it is jealousy.  Many of my friends are in unhappy marriages themselves and it seems that they just can't share in mine and FH happiness.  The single girls that I know are wanting to get married, but around here, the selection of truly good men is very limited. 

I think you're doing just fine.  No serious red flags???  Then just let those what-ifs go. 

If we let our lives be run by what-ifs, none of us would ever truly be happy in our lives....because we wouldn't be really living.

Good luck to you and your FH!!!

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 8:45 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have to go with Mizzi and Mrs Roy here... It sounds just like the what ifs, nothing serious. Work can be a concern I'll agree with that, and one thats not easy to get away from.. DH is the manager for a branch of a cable protection compony... thats him mother 'runs'  So every time they see each other, Work IS going to come up, even if its Christmas morning and everyones opening their presents. The thing is to remember that he is going to do that. Thats him. He may need some gental reminding though to make time for you.

 

One of the best pieces of advise that I've read over and over is to have a date night EVERY week thats just you two. our first few weeks of marriage it never happened, but we started a few weeks ago and its really nice!  That way you know that you have a set you time, and you can look forward to it all week. The best part is you can do what ever! Go out all fancy, or just go the park to watch a little leauge game... Its always fun though!


Daisypath Ticker"

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 27, 2006 11:04 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks again, girls!  And MistyKing, FH and I are going to try to do the weekly date.  I think it'll be a great help!

*Putting all crazy "what if" thoughts on the waaaay back burner..."  Wink

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BlushingBride03 Posts : 220 Registered: 7/15/06
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 28, 2006 12:52 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

me fiance and i try to do the weekly date thing as well. its important to make time for each other.

 

ive had a lot of what-ifs too, but i am not too concerned. I dont have that bad sinking feeling i would have if something really didnt feel right.  

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 28, 2006 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBride03

I am a first time bride, but I had been engaged twice before (although only had one ring before).  The first time, I was young and in love.  I was 22, and he seemed to be everything I was looking for.  We talked about our future, getting married, having kids, etc.  It wasn't until I needed a LEEP surgery that I saw his true colors.  He acted childish and selfish before, during, and after the proceedure, and my once-supporting parents lost their respect for him.  He was all talk.  RED FLAG.

Second guy was a whirl-wind romance with a control-freak that happened to be already married.  No idea what I was thinking with this one, but I had to move back home to escape him.  Army of red flags!

My future husband is none of those things, and although he drives me crazy sometimes, it is nothing different than anyone else goes through sharing their lives and home with another person.  I'm getting butterflies, but after signing a 30 year mortgage it already seems like we are married.

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SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 28, 2006 11:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I read an article recently about why people get divorced. It seems that the reasons are often things that people noticed early on in the relationship, but ignored. So if there's a nagging little voice in your head about some aspect of his behavior, you should listen.

 

But it's normal to be in love and know that he's the right person while still feeling sad that you're leaving your single life behind. It's a major change no matter what and that brings mixed feelings with it. I was having these feelings without really understanding what they were. Then I read "The Conscious Bride" which really helped clarify it for me. I highly recommend it.

 

Also, you need to realize that you're marrying the person he is NOW, not the person you hope/want to change him into. That may seem obvious, but I've seen women go into marriage with a "all that will change when we're married" expectation. They're shocked when it doesn't change and divorced a couple years later.

 

I also feel strongly that people shouldn't get married until they're in their late 20's. I know there are lots of 22-year olds here who will disagree with me and tell me that they know what they want and what they're doing. But I thought that when I was 22 and if I had married what I wanted then, I would be very unhappy now (more than 10 years later!!). You change a lot in your twenties, you need that time to get to know yourself, figure out who you are and get used to being an adult. Like I said, I know there are a lot of you who will disagree, but that's my opinion.  

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 29, 2006 12:27 AM Go to message in response to: SeasideBride06

Haha, Seaside, that's a book I referenced in an earlier post today under the "Can I Vent?" post.

 

(I do disagree about the age thing...but I've already put in my two cents about that)


Future Mrs. Joseph Mizzi

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