Just Jitters or Something More?

Online Users: 0 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 37
Guest
Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:10 PM

In reading other brides' posts, I noticed that a recurring theme among the brides who have already been married and divorced is that they "knew" they shouldn't have married their ex in he first place.

When I read that, I first tend to think, "then why did she?", but I also realize that things are often much clearer in hindsight.  So, my question is, how can we first-time brides know if what we're experiencing are normal pre-wedding jitters or big fat red flags signaling that we shouldn't be walking down the isle as planned?

I'm really looking forward to reading your insights on this subject!

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't have any insight--as I'm a (first time) wife...but what a good question.

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:27 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I was previously engaged to someone before meeting my now husband, and I have to say that it is deeper problems that caused me to realize that the first fiance was not the right person for me. Although we may have been in love, I am very glad that I called it off before we got married.

 

Knowing the difference between jitters and red flags depends on the depth of knowledge you have of your fiance and the quality of your relationship. For me, a lot had to do with being young and "in love" and not recognizing the signs of a poor relationship, or not wanting to let go of someone because we had been together for 4 years.

 

Jitters are normal; a wedding is an exciting, while at the same time anxious and stress-producing event in most people's lives. Red flags, on the other hand, are things that have been going on in a relationship that haven't been resolved over long periods of time. I think every woman knows the difference; it's just a matter of wanting to acknowledge that difference before it's too late.

 



 


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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

 If my husband had lived, we would be married 23 years - for us, as I'm sure for many couples(I've seen plenty of divorces), you must be willing and able to allow the other person to grow and to change and above all you must treat others with respect and kindness. I'm not saying allow yourself to be berated or misused.  (Certain posters seem to enjoy twisting my words lately.) I'm saying that you need to love each other more than yourselves.  (I do so hope this is the correct usage of "than" - I wouldn't want to generate another nasty-gram.)

Message was edited by LauriandVic on Jul 25, 2006 6:33 PM

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:36 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

BRAVO!! Sept302006Bride should take a lesson from you.

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:38 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

betty24 will you STOP berating Sept302006Bride!!!  You are being a bitch!  I am so sick of seeing you get on her case for a simple grammar error!  Get a f***ing life...

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

UMM...The OP asked an intelligent question, and I'm interested in seeing it addressed.  Can we please direct the posts toward the original question?


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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Ok, seeing as how I am a first time bride, I could not give you an answer from life experience.  I have been taught throughout my life by my parents that if you love this person and have no doubts ever that they are the one, then they are right for you.  Then again, my parents are exactly mom and dad of the year material.  I wish I could give you more insight and I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

 

9302006--You are crowding the post just as much as I did without leaving your input, practice what you preach.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 7:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I can't believe some people are mature enough to get married and then go all kuckoo on message boards...

To answer the OP question...I think that if you are happy with the relationship, and the jitters are only in regards to the wedding, it's fine.  I think the people who say "I should have known" were actually unhappy beforehand, before the wedding stuff was taking place...just a thought.

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Soon2BTaylor Posts : 258 Registered: 6/1/06
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 8:01 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am a first time bride as well, but come from a divorced house, so I can speak a little on my parents situation.  One of the sure, and most obvious, signs is someone telling you.  My uncle came to my mom, on her wedding day, and said "are you sure you want to marry this guy"  From what my mom has told me, this was not the first time the question had been posed.  Personally I think you should imagine what your life is going to be like with him.  If take an honest look, you should see either wonderful things, or a horrible future.  Just my thoughts on the matter.


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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 9:14 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

LauriandVic's advice seems excellent to me. I feel things can't always be ideal. You can't demand perfection from the other person, because everybody has flaws, and it's not always so romantic. It's important not to base marriage just on your own selfish wants. But all relationships are happier and more fulfilling if you compromise and strive to understand and forgive the other person, and are charitable towards them not because they always deserve it but because you love them. I'm young, but my relationship with my fiance has grown and matured a lot over the past four years because of the things I've mentioned.

 

I was never engaged before my fiance, so I don't know how much this means, but this is my gut feeling: If you're suddenly scared about not being single anymore (because of loss of identity, etc), anxious about some of your fiance's minor flaws (which can suddenly seem important with a wedding approaching), or wondering about unknown relationships you'll never get to have, I think it's probably jitters. If there's an issue inherent in your relationship that makes you unhappy, and you're proceeding because of the excitement of a wedding or because you're just so used to having been with the person for years, you might have a deeper problem.

 

Do you love him? Is he good to you? Are you compatible? Are you marrying into a healthy, practical situation? Or does he make you unhappy? Do you feel pressured to get married?


Future Mrs. Joseph Mizzi

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 9:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Any time I have had a tough decision to make I always talk to my daddy.  He's been gone a long time now, but I still ask myself what he would do.  Prayer is a big help to me.  But, I think I should add that I like Lauri's advice.  My daddy would say something like that.

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 25, 2006 11:05 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hey there...
I was married before so I'll take a stab at it...

The day of the wedding...the morning...I was in the bathroom with the door locked.  Sitting on the toilet cover in dress and all, thinking this...

"What am I gonna do after I marry this &$$ hole???  Jesus, I don't want to do this.  Oh God please let him walk out of here adn not come back.  I have to get my butt out there.  All those people are waiting."

Ahem!!  Yeah...shoulda ran out of there like I was being chased by a million rabid dogs.  But I was young.

The only really useful advice that I can give is....  If you really, truly, in your heart believe that this is the man for you and any doubts are related to little things that everyone goes through as a couple, don't sweat it.  Many, many brides go through that.  We are all afraid of the what-ifs.  The first year of marriage is definitely the toughest.  You're getting used to being around this other person all the time as they are you.  There will be spats and clashes...and that's usually how it goes for everyone.  It does get easier as time goes on.

BUT!!!  If you are having doubts because of something that is being done to you or bothering you for a long time or constantly...like him hitting you (wont stop after your married, sorry...just wont no matter how hard you try to make him happy), or if he berates you or disrespects you (gets worse after you get that ring slid on your finger)...those are both HUGE things to consider.  Your FH behaviour before you get married reflects a tiny portion of how it's going to be after. 

Jitters are jitters.  Serious doubts?  You better take a good hard look before you walk down that aisle.

Geez...I hope all that made some sort of sense!!



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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 12:03 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Wow, FutureMrsRoy!  If all of the red flags tend to be as obvious as yours was, then I'm in great shape!  I never, ever feel anything like that in regards to the wedding.

On of my problems is that some people tell me that they don't think my FH is right for me.  However, the problem with those people is that they are all divorced, have not been in relationships within the past decade, and all seem to have visions of the right guy for me being prince charming and sweeping me off my feet and onto his white stallion.  They just don't seem to think that a good relationship takes work.  I think that their experiences have soured them and given them an unrealistic view of things, so I try not to put too much clout in what they say.  On the other hand, there are also people who think FH and I are great together.

I think I simply have jitters because I never even thought twice about whether or not I want to be with FH until we became engaged (I knew within a month or two of beginning our relationship that I wanted to marry him), and the closer we get to the wedding, the stronger those feelings get.  Plus, all the worries focus on "what if" as opposed to problems that we're really having right now. 

It's the finality of the whole thing that gets to me--although we don't have any major problems, I know that if problems do develop while we're just engaged, I can always get out, but we both agree that our marriage is for life.  Since my life is potentially a very long time, how can I be sure that he'll always be the "one" for me (and vice versa)?  That's what scares me about marriage! 

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Guest
Re: Just Jitters or Something More?
Posted: Jul 26, 2006 9:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I don't know for sure but I think a lot of it depends on how your family and friends see him.  Of course they don't know everything about the relationship, but they can be more objective.  I know someone getting married this year, and the parents said to my parents "What do we say if people ask us if we are happy for our son to be marrying her?" (they are NOT happy about this wedding taking place.)  I guess they have tried to bring up their subject with their son, (not specific terms but general terms about the importance of picking a good partner who shares the same goals, etc) and he doesn't want to hear it.   So the wedding is going to be interesting.

Megan

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