Since I'm sleep-deprived and PMSing, I don't think that I'm able to keep everything in perspective right now, and I might be making a bigger deal that I should out of some things. So, I'll really appreciate all of your impartial thoughts on a few things.
1) My FH is a third year med student who works very hard. We actually live in separate cities right now and only see each other on Friday evenings and on Saturdays. Today after lunch, he told me that he needs "a couple hours" to work on a project that he's had for over two weeks. Not that I expect him to drop everything he's doing to hang out with me, but I just can't understand why he needs to work on this old project today. I know he's busy with during the week, but he does get off work by about 6:00 and more or less has his evenings free, save for any reading that he feels he needs to do for his clinical rotations. Am I justified in being hurt? (He did say that I could come hang out at his house while he works, but if he's busy, then I'd rather be at my own house where I can get some of my own stuff done.)
2) Although we didn't start dating until his 3rd year of college, my FH has never had any serious girlfriends besides me. During our pre-Cana class last night, the question was, "When I'm with my fiancee, sometimes I...", and FH said, "Wonder what it would've been like to have dated more." Although I think his statement is perfectly valid, it concerns me, especially since in the past, he told me that he never wishes he would've dated anyone else. On the other hand, I know he's happy with me and is excited about getting married. Should I chalk his comment up to pre-wedding jitters? Ignore it? Try to say something to him about it?
3) FH and I looked all over Pittsburgh for an apartment, and we found one that is 6 miles from where we will each be working. FH loved the place as much as I did, but now he's worried that the commute will be too long since the city can get pretty congested. He's even talking about moving next year so that we're closer to his work. One problem with that is that any such apartment will be closer to his work but not to mine, so if the commute really does suck, then I'll still have to deal with it. I say that moving closer to his work but not to mine would thus be unfair and I don't want to do it. He got irritated because he says he should be the one to live closer since he'll be "working harder." Hello! Yes, he'll be working all day and studying, but I'll also be working between 40-60 hours a week, probably doing much of the housework, and possibily taking classes in the spring. Who's being unfair?
1) I think you should give him a break on this. He is a third year med student, and sometimes things pile up. If it is only a few hours, bring a book, catch up with old friends, do something on your own.
2) I think his comment is perfectly normal but you may want to talk it over with him.
3) I think you are putting the cart before the horse on this one. You haven't even started working/doing the commute yet and who knows how it could be. Settle in, see how things are, then make your decisions.
I just want to clear a few things up. First off, I am currently at home doing my own thing, and I didn't give FH a hard time about it. It's just a little irritating and upsetting that he needs to do his project now, especially since it's not exactly due this week or anything.
Second, I did talk to FH for about 5 minutes about the comment, and he assures me that, despite the fact that he sometimes wonders about other women, he's totally happy with me. Also, I know he's an honorable man who would never cheat on me, but I know that my having dating other guys gives me perspective when things get tough with FH, and I wonder how he'll keep things in perspective down the road without having any basis for comparision between our relationship and others. I was also surprised that this suddenly came out since, in the past, he always said that he never wonders about such things.
Finally, I know that thinking about moving is way premature; really, it was his comment about working harder than me that upset me. It made me feel like he doesn't realize or appreciate all the things I do.
DH was the only guy I ever dated, so I can see where your FH is coming from. Do I regret saying "I do?" Not one bit. But do I wonder what life would have been like HAD I dated other men, had other experiences, etc? Sure! Just like i'll always wonder what would have happened had I not made a decision to transfer schools, change majors, whatever. I doubt that he ever wonders about a particular woman, but just women in general. Like you said, there are certain things that can be learned from those relationships that didn't last. I know my DH certainly has learned from past experiences.
But, don't sell him short. I learned a lot of what I know from watching friends go through relationships - good and bad. I saw the mistakes that were made, and I learned a lot without having to go through the heartache. I've also learned a lot from observing and spending time with other couples, such as our parents, and seeing how they treat each other and discuss conflicts. Of course I don't know everything there is to know, but some things (and no matter how much dating experience you've had, there's still things that need to be learned) we'll learn together. We'll lean on each other. I know to be patient with him, and he knows to be patient with me. Sure, we'll argue.....already have. And you know what? Sometimes I really won't like him, possibly not even enjoy being married very much. But the commitment we've made to each other can withstand any type of issue. No one said it would be easy, but it's not impossible.
I think I may have gone off on a tangent. But just to reassure you, I'm sure your FH is very committed to you, and even though your experiences may not be the same, he'll be okay.
I can empathize. I am living 180 miles from FH while I'm in grad school. It was weird for us because we lived together before I left. We usually get to see each other about every three weeks. In a lot of ways, I think it's good for us. We fought more before I left and now I appreciate him more. Like your FH, I didn't date a whole lot before I met my FH. But the separation has eliminated any doubts I could possibly have. A lot of tyimes, I read while he plays video games. But we like that just being together. His comment about working harder was thoughtless. If you will be working full time and doing the housework you'll be working very hard yourself. I've come to the point where I've given up on fighting about who works harder.
I know it's not cool to be told someone's gonna be working harder than you when he hasn't even really started working. But try to give him some slack on that--a lot of my friends are residents--and their lives aren't worth much the first couple of years. I can't speak to his particular situation--but 60 hours/wk would be a vacation for the residents I know. I work 14 hour days (or did before I injured my back and sat here on my butt waiting for a bunch of surgeries)--and I work fewer hours than my resident friends.
So, yeah, he has no right to be a jerk about this--but he's gonna be working like a dog pretty soon. I'm told that med school is nothing compared to the residency.
And if one of you has to have a longer commute--I don't blame him for thinking it ought to be you. He's probably gonna have to go in there at all hours of the night...at the drop of a hat.
Again, though, it was his choice to go to med school, and I'm not saying he has any right to disrespect you because he works longer.
1) That sucks to deal with, and I know what it’s like, but it happens to everyone once in awhile, especially when a busy lifestyle like medical school is involved.I’m sure it doesn’t imply anything about your relationship or priority in his life; he’s just trying to be responsible about his choices. Maybe he had a lot of other things to attend to during the week, but whatever the case, he really couldn’t just blow off the project.You’re justified in being disappointed, but I don’t think you should feel hurt. I’m sure he’d prefer to see you than to work on that project!
2) I’m guessing this was a very innocent speculation.He didn’t say he wished he would have dated more, just that he wondered what it would have been like if he had.Since usually people do date more before they get married, it’s natural to see that and be curious about it.
Maybe he never did wonder when you were still dating, but he didn’t have to -- his future wasn’t totally decided yet.Sometimes with a big life event like a wedding approaching, the mind sometimes goes into overdrive and you find yourself wondering about all kinds of things you hadn’t thought about before, but not necessarily wondering seriously.Just remember, he chose to spend the rest of his life with YOU.Obviously, you were so special that he could tell you were the one without having to search anymore.
3) It is very understandable that you felt disrespected by his comment about “working harder” than you.Calmly let him know that comments like that are hurtful to you.
Beginning residency and getting married are huge life changes even by themselves.It’s natural to be anxious that everything goes smoothly, and that’s probably why he’s suddenly having worries about the location of your apartment. Especially because his residency probably seems still a bit unknown and is likely to have pretty irregular hours.Still, that doesn’t give him a right to dismiss your concerns.
1. Chalk this one up to PMS and wedding-stress, babe. Sometimes, you have to! It's easy to fall into a routine of hanging out and get very used to that, but it's not the end of the world if one of you changes it up a bit. Besides, he did offer that if you want to still spend TIME with him or just be around him, you can bring some stuff over to his place to do.
2. Did you mention in your Pre-Cana class that this statement rattled you a bit? Might be worth asking about just to work through the emotion. Otherwise, I would find it hard to believe that NO other person has ever had to work through the what-ifs in prep for getting married. It's a big step so your brain will want to work these questions out. My husband dated and erm, was around the block far more than I when we met (he's also older). Do I wonder what dating, etc. that much more wouldve been like? Yes! Does that mean I REGRET my choice to marry him at this stage of my life? Hell no!
3. Sounds like he's also suffering some jitters about merging, moving, and the logistics of everything that's going to be new for you guys during that time. Look at it this way: you'll be in this new apt for at least 1 year. One year to see what the commute is like for you both, and see what your schedules become. I'd tell him that you resent his comment about working harder than you b/c it felt hurtful and implied that he doesn't value what you do (true?). No one wants to be made to feel tht way. BUT, if it ends up boiling down to the logistics of commuting, you're willing to revisit the decision AFTER you've BOTH had a chance to see what it will really be like (say, 4-6 mos into your lease).
Yesterday was a good day, despite his having to work all afternoon. I joined him and his family for church at around 5:00, and then he headed back to his place to work some more, and I visited my grandma. It worked out well, and we had a nice evening later on.
I feel better about his comment now. Although he felt like I was nagging him, I did briefly bring it up again, and I feel like I got the reasurrance I needed. Good deal there.
Just a quick note so that you don't all think I'm being insensitive to my FH's work schedule, he's actually in his 3rd year of med school; he won't be a resident for two more years. Med students work long hours, too, but for the most part, he'll be sticking with the 40-50 hours a week gig. We've already agreed to try to move as close to the hospital as is practical once he begins his residency. I'm sure that we'll both be fine for at least the next year, and, really, there's no point in worrying about it right now anyway since a contract is a contract, and we've signed one for one year. Also, I'm leery of moving too far from my own job because I'll be working shifts, and driving home at midnight or at 7 a.m. after having worked a full shift won't be much fun either; if it were a regular 9-5 job, I wouldn't mind it as much.
there will be times when holding your hand and staring longinly into your eyes will NOT be top priority - you need to ENJOY this bonus time to yourself, do something for yourself. As far as the other stuff goes - honey, he sounds like an immature, selfish jerk if it's all about him now, it's only going to get worse afyter the wedding
I thought he was actually about the start a residency...which is grueling. As a med student, his hours aren't that different from normal people's hours...and I agree with you a lot more. And I can totally understand why you're annoyed about the apartment thing--particularly if the place his mother wanted you to live would've forced you to drive through shady neighborhoods in the middle of the night.
While my FH is definitely not a jerk, I often get the impression that he thinks that med students, residents, and other physicians work harder than and are more knowledgeable than anyone else, and, while I know what it takes to be a successful doc, I think that making far-reaching generalizations is always a bad idea. I'll admit, that is one thing about my FH that sometimes gets to me. Of course, no one's perfect, and I know that there are things about me that really get his goat, too.
The problems with the other places that we looked for an apartment were: (1) The neighborhood either appeared to be seedy (graffitti all over the sides of the neighboring buildings and such), or the apartments themselves were in nice areas but the streets just a block or two away looked crummy, or (2) The apartment was in a nice place but the rent was really high (around $800). The place we have now is in an apparently nice neighborhood, it's by far the largest and nicest apartment we've seen, and the rent is only $595 plus electric. Aside from the facts that it's not as centrally-located as the other places and it's located on top of a pretty steep hill, I think it's perfect! Besides, the drive shouldn't be too bad (6 miles for both him and me, with no need to drive right through the city), and I'd rather take my chances with a hill that might get icy a few days per year than with a neighborhood that I don't feel safe in any day of the year (FH seems to understand and appreciate my thoughts on this).
FH and I talked a little bit about the apartment issue tonight, and he and I decided that we're going to drop the issue for now and revisit it, if needed, only after we're actually living there. I don't anticipate any problems with it. As for his mom, regardless of the fact that he's her kid and I'm not, it's upsetting to me that she's concerned about his commute (which he's driving, not her) to the point that she wants him to move somewhere super close to his job while I would have to keep the "long" commute that she's so worried about him having now.
Well, I think you've gotten plenty of good advice and seem to be okay with everything, but I still feel compelled to comment.
I think everyone wonders about things they didn't do and how it would have affected/changed their lives. I know I do.
In my experience, most residents and doctors think that they work so much harder than everyone else. I think that what they describe as "working harder" is really the enormous responsibilty and the awful consequences of a mistake. For the vast majority of us, mistakes at work can be corrected or there are things we can do to lessen the impact. And our mistakes don't cause people pain or death.
As for the commuting issue, one thing to keep in mind for the future is that commuting the same # of miles does not mean communting for the same amount of time, especially in a city. It depends on traffic patterns, the type of road, when you're doing it, etc. I think it's far better to consider it in minutes as opposed to miles. Also, some people have more tolerance for commuting than others (my tolerance is very low). So you should each think about the maximum amount of time you're willing to commute and go from there.
Not that you need my okay--but I think you sound like you have a healthy attitude about the whole thing. And I'm right there with you with the FMIL issue--I'm married and deal with the same thing...there are good things about them, yes...but some of the crap they pull makes me want to kick their a**es.
Try not to live close by, and I'm sure you'll do fine.
Posted: Jul 24, 2006 11:25 PMGo to messagein response to: SeasideBride06
HAHA... Thanks, fritz799.
SeasideBride06, you're right that I should consider the distance in minutes, not miles. According to mapblast, which I believe takes traffic patterns into account, my commute will be 13 minutes, and FH's commute will be 17 minutes. So, the commutes should be more-or-less equal in travel time, and I don't think that either one should be too bad, as long as we stay away from peak traffic times (which I don't think should be too much of a problem). As I think I already mentioned, FH is currently navigating the traffic in that area while going back and forth to work, and he says he hasn't had any problems so far.