Virgin???

Online Users: 1,258 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 79
Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 10:35 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Our sexual relationship started almost immediately.   He was my first.  I was so not his first.   I don't think our emotional or physical relationship suffered in anyway- we have a long distance relationship for the first 4 years..  The longing only made the sex that much more intense.  We couldn't get enough of each other and we still can't. 

And trust me my wedding was still special b/c it was the first time as a married couple. 


Michele and Kyle

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 10:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, and I honestly don't mean to offend those who are waiting, I never liked the idea of waiting until the wedding night because I felt like it sort of would make sex the central part of the day. Like we would be horny through the whole day, LOL... I know that sounds odd, but when Kylesbaby said "my wedding was still special", I agree with her. I think the wedding is special for a lot of other reasons besides losing virginity/having sex. 

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:02 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

With me I'm not really thinking of the religious aspect.. I do think it is great to have sex with the person (for the first time) if he is"the one". But everyone is different Two weeks before the wedding will be our 5 year anniv.  I guess my biggest issue is that I am terrified of the first time.  I'm one of the % of females that has a hard time "getting excited and very little desire" (sorry if too much info!).. my dr really had no suggestions to help.  I'd love to wait till the wedding night but I'm also thinking if we have sex before the wedding then I won't be as skitterish the wedding night..?

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:11 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i'm 20 yrs old and so im FH, we are both virgins and plan on being one until the wedding night! no shame here ladies!

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:30 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily, i am skittish to jump in here b/c I am not a virgin and really don't want to overstep any boundaries. But here i go...

Have you discussed this with your FH? Talked with him about your fears, talked with him about you being anxious about the "first time"? If you haven't, please talk to him about it! Just talking aabout it may help calm your fears. Maybe he will be understanding and you guys can talk about easing into it over the course of your honeymoon. You could just be so overwhelmed by the thought/fear of it that you are tensing up about it even more. If you could take the pressure off of yourself about the wedding night being THE night maybe you could relax...

We all know how stressful wedding planning is to begin with.

 

If you have talked to him and you are still 'terrified' I'm not sure what to tell you. Lube ( as some other ladies have mentioned) is your friend. And is available anywhere (drugstore, walmart, etc.). Talk to FH about that too, I'm sure he wants your first time to be special and memorable. 

I hope this helps and I sincerely hope I haven't stepped on anyone's toes.  

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You're not pushy at all! My FH has been pushing more and more for us to have sex in the past few months/weeks.  Sometimes it seems as if everyother sentence is about us having sex. I'm almost thinking thats part of my stress.. I honestly don't think that he can understand my fears and worries (even this will be his first time also).. I'm guessing its a guy thing?

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:41 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

emilyinlove, I know this is very personal and you don't have to answer or respond, but if you have ever been a victim of molestation or sexual abuse it could definitely lead to the problems you are having.

 If not, libido can be so tricky for women. Often times it boils down to being really stressed out and tired. I agree with bearsbride, talk to FH. Talk about your concerns.


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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 8, 2006 11:45 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

what are your fears and worries? don't have to answer, just think about that. Do your fears include more than just your fear of it hurting the first time?

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 12:02 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily, don't you have a sister/cousin/married friend you can talk to who could help put your mind at ease? Someone you can talk to privately and in more detail, someone you are comfortable with?

All of my closest friends are guys, I work with all men, I really get the guy thing. FH has his blinders on and he sees the finish line (I don't mean to sound demeaning at ALL) but guys are guys. They are also sensitive big fat babies and I am sure your FH cares about you deeply. Talk to someone you are close with, 

the first time isn't as painful as you might be afraid of...

I am just an old broad (37!Tongue out) who remembers vividly my first time because the boy I was with was so kind and gentle and understanding.

Maybe you are just overthinking things. I know I have a tendency to do that. It's like looking at a word for sooo long you think you have mis-spelled it, even though it's spelled correctly. If i can help at all, let me know. 

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 9:18 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My FH was my first as well, and we have been together for 2 years and 3 months.  Now, this is my opinion.


Emily,
DO NOT have sex just to qualm a fear, you will regret it and you will be putting yourself in a situation where you could possibly start to resent your FH.  Sex out of fear is not the right beginning for a healthy marriage.  Sex is love, satisfaction, fun, playful, but certainly not scary.  Enjoy it, don't fear it!


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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 10:42 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

RomanticGirl: Years years back I had a boyfriend that tried to force me to have sex but luckly I was able to get away from him.  My Fh and I do "play around" but it ends up hurting most of the time. My Fh sometimes doesnt get that when I start to hurt I want to stop completely, he feels that he has to go on, etc so even with playing it hurts even more.  It just seems that sex for me just doesn't sound fun for some reason.

bearsbride: Like you most of my friends are guys so they won't be able to talk to me.. I'm not really close with any certain females that I would be comfortable talking about this. Thats why I love these boards so much!

Sisamisa: I know that my fh is very frusterated with mebc of all of this and sometimes I feel as if I'll tell him or try and talk to him he gets even more frusterated at me. 

   I do get stressed out a lot and i"m sure that the stress is affecting all of this fear that I have developed.  I'm almost scared that my Fh won't be gentle or slow with me and only please himself (without even thinking of it).  He's a person that needs constant contact whereas I'm a person that likes and needs to be alone sometimes. My fear or whatever problem it is is a huge issue between us right now and I would do anything to fix it.

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily---

Please talk to your dr or your gyno.  Also, ask for a referral to a psychologist or psychiatrist who works with victims of sexual abuse or PTSD. 

If your ex tried to force you to have sex, that's attempted rape.  That can leave psyhological scars.  I know from experience.  And wishing and hoping isn't going to make the problem any better.  It's something that you will need to work through with a trained professional and your FH.

If the problem was just dryness I'd suggest asking for a different BC pill and pick up some lube but from what you're typing, it sounds like the problem runs deeper then that.

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 1:00 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Uh, not to get all graphic, but there is a condition called vaginosis (I believe) that makes penetration, particularly in certain postions, very uncomfortable. If you have a tilted uterus, missonary position can be very uncomfortable, but woman-on-top or spooning/doggie style positions are much more comfortable, especially if your guy is bigger than average.  Trust me on this one.  Talk to your gyn before the honeymoon.  Also, if you have certain conditions like fibroids that can also make intercourse uncomfortable. 

 

Also, emily, I'm a little concerned about how you describe your sexual relationship with your FH.  You say you're worried that he "won't be gentle or slow and will only please himself" and he's very "frustrated" with you--to verbalize this there must be something in his behavior that worries you.  Also, does he know about your past negative experiences with a less-than-caring boyfriend?  Any man you are thinking of marrying should be sensitive to your needs, should respect your fears and should work with you as a true partner to overcome them.  A loving sexual/physical relationship is a big part of a healthy marriage and it's important that you and your FH address these issues before getting married.  Perhaps a marriage councelor or a therapist specializing in sex may help you.  Also, if you and your FH are comfortable "playing around", try oral sex and mutual masterbation.  You can both experience sexual pleasure while learning what pleases you and learn to communicate to each other what you like and don't like.  It's hard to explain to another person what you want them to do to you if you yourself don't know what pleases you.  Hope this helps and that it wasn't TMI.   

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I was nearly abducted once on a subway in Paris. Huge group of guys sat around me and started groping me and were planning a gang rape. It was terrrifying, and I do have a hard time with sex now because I can't help relating it to violence. I worry about all the little girls who've been raped and murdered and then I feel like somehow if I enjoy sex it just makes their deaths even more awful. Strange, huh? Anyway, you don't have to actually have been raped to have it effect you deeply, and I think that the pain you feel is probably psychological. I mean, I'm sure you feel it physically, but you probably cannot see sex for the pleasure because you are afraid of it (and rightly so). I would speak with a therapist (i have yet to do this but I will Laughing)

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

 I talked to my gyno about this around a month ago and she told me what I was feeling was normal and a lot of women jsut have no desire to have sex.. she told me that I could go to a sexologist but her opinion was that it really wasn't needed.  I'm not on health insurance right now (will be when we get married next month) so when I'm on h.i. I'm going to try and make it over to a specialist.  My fh and I are taking premarital class/councling (its req. to get married in our church) and we have onyl had one class/out of 6 so far.. I really hope this helps with our communication, etc (my fh is just a hard person to communicate with)

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