Virgin???

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Tabbygirl Posts : 342 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

RomanticGirl: I'm so sorry about your experience.  Please find a therapist that you can relate to as soon as you can.  I was a victim of child molestation by an uncle (he thankfully never raped me) and didn't realize how much it affected me until after I was married.  We were both virgins when we were married and thankfully I was blessed with a wonderful, understanding and loving husband.  But I couldn't understand at first what was wrong with me sometimes.  The pain of my past didn't always affect us, but when it did, it was horriable.  Anyway, ever since I've started seeing a therapist and have been open about being a victim and knowing that it wasn't my fault as a 5-year-old girl, our intimate-life has been better than ever.  I don't regret waiting until I was married, but I wish I had seen someone to talk about this earlier in my life so that I could be more free and open with myself. Unfortunately, at that time I was too embarrassed and didn't think therapy would help.  Believe me, though, it does tremendously especially for sex abuse victims and their relationships with loved-ones.

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 4:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily, Have you and FH done any premarital counseling?  This would definitely be something for you two to bring up with your pastor/counselor.  If you've never talked to him about what's happened in the past, FH might think you're just pushing him away and don't want to be intimate with him.  If you try to get him in the most nonconfrontational situation (like on the way back from the grocery store or something) and explain your feelings and what's happend to you in the past.  I'm sure everything will be ok - sometimes guys get blinded by sex and forget about the rest of it.

 

As for the first time, I was worried it would hurt, but my FH was very gentle.  Even though you may think that your FH will just please himself, he'll probably be just as nervous as you, and be anxious to please you.  Just let him know what feels good, and don't worry if it doesn't feel amazing the first time.  It takes a little bit, and it's a learning experience!  Also, if you need to stop, there are other ways to give him pleasure that don't involve penetration....

 

I hope that this helps you in some way.  Good luck to you, Emily!  Em 

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 8:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My parents were also of the kind who taught me to wait for someone I love before deciding to have sex, instead of waiting to marry. I live in a conservative town and many of my girlfriends were virgins when they married. I was the minority in my friends. They all married very young, often sex was a big part of their decision. They all came to me afterward and said they wished they would have talked with me about sex, that it took a long time to get used to it and comfortable with it. I just say these things to let other girls in their position know that sex is not wonderful and beautiful the first time. It is awkward and maybe uncomfortable. You may very well not enjoy the honemoon sex. This is all normal and ok. It's just part of learning about yourself sexually.


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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 8:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Actually, I started counseling today for some other issues but did bring up that terrifying night. The therapist seems to think that discussing the lack of sex drive is definitley going to be helpful, and does think that incident is somewhat connected (although I think I would still think of all those girls who were raped because I've always felt so disturbed by it.) But sometimes I just shiver and feel nauseous because I could have easily been one of those girls they scrape off the sidewalk. I really thought I wouldn't live and it was so scarey. There was noone around at all and the subway was so empty. I just sat there and prayed that God would save me. And then this guy walked on, he was small and I thought "well he's no help, these guys will eat him alive." But he walked right on the train making eye contact with me. It was like he had a purpose. He sat across the aisle and leaned forward and just glared at these men. They stopped and got off at the next stop and the man followed them off and then turned around and just looked at me. He didn't speak the whole time and was very solemn. I truly believe it was an angel. I know it sounds silly, but it just shook me to the core. Anyway, I just really believe if it weren't for that man/angel I wouldn't be here today.

 

Tabby, my heart just breaks for what you went through. I cry at night for all you girls who've been through these things. It makes me so sick. But I'm glad you've found some good help to get through that pain.


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mrsmccanntobe Posts : 95 Registered: 4/8/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 9:32 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

Let me start by saying that my heart goes out to all of you girls who have been through very tough sexual situations- I have been there as well and it is SUCH a hard thing as it effects much more than just your body. Also, let me say that I would never EVER judge anyone for  their decisions to wait, as I did not wait either, but as a Christian I have learned the importance and sacredness of sex, as it is not just physical and mental it can be a very spiritual experience. I recommend that all you brides read the book "The Bride Wore White". I read this and it really opened up a lot of pent of feelings and emotions that I had suppressed from my years of what my dad would call "sexual promiscuity" (haha) as well as my experience with rape.

This is my story: I "dated" this guy in high school (i was never much of a dating type, I had something missing in my life and always seemed to try and fill it with random relationships with guys) and I had invited him over to hang out . I thought we might fool around or something, but nothing like what I expected. I had actually lost my virginity to this guy but I did not want any more of that from him, it was too weird for me, and I was only 16 at the time. Well, he came over and threatened me. Long story short, I was forced (in my own house) to commit sexual acts to him as well as allow him to have sex with me.  This was a horrible experience for me, and while I had relationships after this as well as had sex....it was not very enjoyable for me at all. if I felt any sort of pressure at all (and since I have learned, in a lot of boys being  extremely turned on can lead them to put pressure on you that, they actually don't even mean to do, and if you communicate your feelings with them it will not happen!) I would back away and become very isolated in the relationship. I have to say that if I did not have two of the most amazing best friends in the world (Jesus Christ and my other best friend Jessica) I would NOT have gotten through this experience in one piece. However, now that I have met the love of my life sex has new meaning for me...no it isn't always "magical" but he is so caring and understanding, he has helped me work through so many of my fears and reservations that I did not even know that i have. I can honestly say that I have never loved anyone except for him. And having sex with your husband FAR surpasses any casual sex  you  can ever have.

My heart goes out to all you girls. I LOVE YOU!  

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 9:40 PM Go to message in response to: mrsmccanntobe

I aggree with mrsmccan. Thank you for sharing. But God, I just can't believe how disgusting some people can be. That had to have been just so traumatizing. I'm so sorry.

 

It seems that going through these awful molestations/rapes/almost attacked situations can lead to a lot of problems later sexually. And it does become hard to see sex as sacred. For me, I feel like that is the key, because eventhough I believe sex is sacred, I can't help but associate it with violence (eventhough FH is very sweet and the least violent person I know).

 

The thing is, I've never had casual sex. I've only had sex with one man, my FH. And in my heart of hearts I believe Jesus is down with it. I really examined this before deciding to have a sexual relationship, and I wouldn't have continued if I felt that it was against what Jesus/God wants. That was really important to me. I want to reiterate, though, that I truly think that you girls who are waiting for religious reasons should continue to wait. I think that if you are going to see the sex as a sin, or as getting between you and God, that is not going to be a good way to lose your virginity. You need to feel it's sacred (this is for the girls who are waiting for religious reasons). 

 

 And just a little side note (and this is kind of knit picky so I apologize) but wearing white on your wedding day never had anything to do with virginity. White was started by Queen Victoria and only meant statis. In those days women usually wore their sunday best and couldn't afford a new dress. By wearing a white dress (a color that would be too difficult to clean and thus a color you could only wear once) she was flaunting her wealth. After that, everyone tried to get a white dress to flaunt their wealth as well. And that's why we wear white today. Laughing

 

I do believe everyone needs to settle the waiting for marriage issue with their own conscience. But I do think it's healthy to avoid casual sex.


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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 9, 2006 9:55 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

P.S. Love you too!

 And here's to functional sex lives with our husbands! Laughing


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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 10, 2006 11:25 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily, ppl who are hard to communicate with do not make good partners in much of anything: marriage, business, bed.  Therefore, and since I don't expect you're going to postpone the wedding, I recommend staying in some kind of couple's counseling after the wedding for the growth it will continue to bring to your relationship.  I'm 46, am an abuse survivor, have been married before, and had a great counselor for 3 years.  I have been in relationships with the kind of man you're getting ready to marry, and though they were good ppl, it was a really tough row to hoe.  It takes work to nurture the communication issues, so please continue it.  Premarital counseling is minimal at best, its purpose is to bring to light any differences that are going to present trouble later.  The real work can begin once the issues are identified :)

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gemini5241980 Posts : 426 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 10, 2006 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well I'm not a virgin ( I have two kids) but after the birth of my oldest son I was not with anyone for 5 1/2 years. I met FH and have been with no one since.

and on a lighter note with him being gone I'm working on 3 months of no sex. Guess the no sex part doesn't bother me though, just the no him part.
<a href="http://www.snugglepie.com"><img border="0" src="http://www.snugglepie.com/ezb/432034.png"></a>

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 11, 2006 9:21 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would LOVE to be in couples counceling until our issues are resolved (even if that means a few years!).  My Fh on the other hand is the opposite.  We are required to have the Pre Cana/ Pre marit. counc. class for our church to get married.. I'm now just able to get my FH to go (it took me months).. he refuses to go to counceling at all. The only reasons why he is doing this is because a) he won't get married w.o it and b) the deacon/priest called him and semi let him have it about not setting up a tme (he said decide now or I won't sign the papers for you to get marries, etc). My FH is a great guy but the communications stinks.  He thinks that we talk too uch or enough and I honestly didn't see us talking some times!  With our counceling right now were were told that  my fh was supposed to take me somewhere this weekend-somewhere where I LOVE and that he's not too fond of (like a museum or something) and then to talk about a certain issue we have 3x's for 20 minutes each and try to make an outline of how we can fix the prob.. I know he won't take me anywhere this weekend and he wont talk about the one problem.   The thing is that there is no way that I will not marry ths guy. I love him with all of my heart but some of the communications just isn't there.

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BB84 Posts : 388 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 12, 2006 4:25 PM Go to message in response to: RomanticGirl

I can relate to a lot of what you said.  When I was a freshman in college, a close friend of the guy I'd been dating since I was 15 raped me at a party that my BF was at as well.  He did absolutely nothing to stop his friend.  I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough against it....I had been drinking a lot, plus I made the mistake of trusting my BF.  Looking back, I was so stupid, but I had no idea that his friends would hurt me.  I thought they were my friends too.  This was three years ago, and I've only recently told my FH and my best friend.  It has been impossible for me to get rid of the negativity I associate with sex, even though in my mind I believe it is natural and sacred.  Sometimes I wish I never had to deal with it again.  FH  became much more understanding of my lack of drive after I told him, but it still causes so many problems in our relationship, and its so sad and it sucks.  I really feel for everyone in the same situation.

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Jun 12, 2006 5:00 PM Go to message in response to: BB84

I really meant to have my first time with my FH. I didn't want to have sex until I was at least engaged, that way I would be having sex the man I was going to marry instead of just a little horny boyfriend. I LOST my virginity. My ex and I were kinda messing around and I even told him I didn't want to go any farther, but he did it anyway. I pay for what he did. I have a 3 year old daughter now. I knew I wasn't ready for kids and I didn't want to have sex. He isn't around to take care of the result of what he did. I love my daughter to death. She is the most important thing in my life. No matter how great my FH is to me, if he ever does anything to hurt my daughter, I would leave him in a heartbeat.

 

I was just replying to the "losing your virginity" phrase that some people seem to hate. In some cases, you actually do lose it.


Soon 2Be Mrs. Patton

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Sep 1, 2006 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hi Nightflyer- that's how my story goes.  I was very lucky to not get pregnant. It was defintely something I had to grapple with for quite some time afterward.  However, I came to realize the ex boyfriend was not the person for me.  My FH and I have a wonderful and healthy sex life.  None of the awful feelings I felt after losing my virginity are there, at all.  Smile  I hope everything goes well for you and your family!

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Sep 2, 2006 12:43 AM Go to message in response to: Tabbygirl

i'm pregnant, so, obviously, i'm not a virgin. i lost mine at 15, and regret who i lost it to, as he is a jerk. haven't seen him since i was 16, thankfully.

Emily and Jon

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Guest
Re: Virgin???
Posted: Sep 2, 2006 1:35 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Emily, You need to call off the wedding and get yourself in counseling. Being terrified of something as wonderful as lovemaking is not normal and your FH doesn't sound like he'll make much of a decent husband. Communication is vital..without it you can't possibly have a good marriage. He sounds like he couldn't care less about your feelings and opinions and that should be sending up huge red flags. Please find a good counselor and keep us posted!
Daisypath Ticker

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