The Thread Nobody Wants To Read

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The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 30, 2006 8:24 PM

Hey everybody, long time no see... For those who don't know or remember me, I've been engaged about 15 months and been with FH for 3 1/2 years. I disappeared back in September when I got a job and moved back to Philly to be with my man and suddenly I was way too busy for message boards.

 

Well, 6 months later, everything's gone to hell. Actually, everything was already there -- oldbies might remember me posting a "shacking up jitters" thread, I now see in my 20/20 hindsight that those jitters were real and justified fears that I ignored in the name of "but I love him!" and "we can work it out!" ... things didn't work out. Rest assured that nothing criminal is going on, but there are major problems that are only growing day by day. We have tried talking, compromises, even therapy; not only are they not working, but to this day FH "still doesn't know what my problem is." I can't marry this man. Time to go.

 

 So the advice I need is: Who's broken an engagement, and who's moved out of a mutual place? Even though I'm miserable and dread staying in the relationship, I also dread making this break (our relationship sucks but I still care about him as a person). I do have a place to go -- a friend just bought a house across town and has been looking for roommates, and has said I'm more than welcome. Any advice, things you wish someone had told you, and tissues are welcome because I am a wreck!

 

Thanks and love to all you guys, and no I don't hate those of you who are getting married!

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 30, 2006 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dear Tulip,

I'm sooo sorry you're going through this. Let me be the first to tell you what I'm sure you already know--whatever  you're going through now, it's better to go through it and get past it than to marry (or worse, have children) with the wrong person, and then either be miserable for the rest of your life or "stay together for the sake of the children"

 Besides my own personal experience with a bad first marriage (divorce), and those of friends (like the one whose fiance arrived home one evening, a month before the wedding, and out of the blue annouced that he didn't feel that he and she were compatible, then turned around and left because his mother was waiting in the car), my own daughter has gone through a broken engagement--and yes, they also were living together, plus she also left her job at the same time!!

 Too bad, none of us has a crystal ball, so we can see around the corner and know that there is happiness waiting for us. I've been married to my dear husband for over thirty years. My daughter has been very happily married for almost three. Our friend has gotten over being dumped and is ready to move on.

 It's miserable, it hurts, and you will get through it. It's good that you have a support system. Next time (and there will be a next time), believe that you will be a lot smarter about the kind of guy you choose, what you're willing to do for "love," and most of all, trusting yourself and your feelings. Feel free to contact me or my daughter, Sara, any time. Good luck.

 

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 30, 2006 9:20 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I really feel for you in this situation. I have been there the first time I got engaged. We had been living together for about a year and he had some really serious issues that we just couldn't resolve. It all got out of control one night and that was it for us. He moved back home and I had to leave the apartment we were living in together. I can tell you it's not an easy thing to do, you love this person, but if it's not a healthy relationship you really need to move on.

 

I went through the same "we can work it out" and "it's not as bad as it seems" thoughts. But, if you know in your heart that it's not working and you seemed to have gone through all the steps to make it right, then yes, unfortunately, it's time to make the break.

 

If you know you need to end this relationship, then you should. When this happened to me, we broke off the engagement and then kept in touch. I ended up moving out to be with him, and again we had the same problems and ended it for real about 2 months later. 

 

Only you know what is right to do. But, if your heart has given you warning signs before, I think you need to heed them. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are doing. 


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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 10:44 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

While hard, broken engagements are not failures.  With this break up you've learned to not ignore your gut feeling.  It's best to find this out now, then after marriage.  It would be a lot more painful.  I'm impressed that you guys tried counseling. 

As for the moving situation, it's best to go to your friends.  You don't have to stay there long term, but you do need to get out of your apartment.   Go now, tonight, tomorrow, the sooner the better.  Take EVERYTHING YOU NEED OR THAT IS YOURS.  Bring help if you need to.

If ex-FH calls and wants you back, don't do it.  It's not fair to either one of you.  And yes you can still care about someone you've had a 3 1/2 year relationship with.

 

 


Michele & Kyle

5/16/2006

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NatSeptBride Posts : 888 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Although I have never been through this I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're going through this, but it's good that you know what you want, and are aware of your feelings.  It's also good that you're realizing this now, sooner is definately better than later.  Good luck to you with the future, I do hope that you do what makes you happy, and that you find happiness!  Smile

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BB84 Posts : 388 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 11:23 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, I wasn't technically engaged, but we had picked out the ring and had it on hold so that I wouldn't know when he bought it.  A few days later, during one of our ever present knock down drag outs, I realized that I could not be with him forever, and that neither of us was as happy as we deserved to be.  Not becoming engaged/married to my ex was the best thing I ever did.  I loved him, and it was very hard, but luckily I had a great support system of friends that helped me through, and after my relationship blinders came off and I realized how fun life could be without him, I was fine.  Occasionally he still calls (three years later) and incidently wants to get back together, but I really think he is a sociopath and so I don't feel so bad for him.

You WILL be okay.  You are very wise to be making this decision now, and not allowing fear to push you into an unhappy marriage.  We are all here for you.  Good luck.

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: BB84

I think you are very brave to have tried you best with every avenue and now are smart enough to recognize this just isn't meant to be.  I applaud you and hope that you heal and move on with ease eventually and can have a fresh new start.  Best of luck to you.

Can't wait to be a Porter!!!
Daisypath Ticker

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

best wishes. even though it hurts now, know you are making the best and bravest decision.

 

as for breakup move out question, this is what is legally/morally expected. you break the engagement, YOU move out. also, you are responsible for your share of the rent, mortgage until the property is sold, refinanced, rented out to someone else, or a roomate is found for your ex (or until lease ends you may feel free to do some of that foot work yourself since he may choose not to look for roomie, new home/apt out of spite).

 if your family is supportive this may be the time to turn to them for help, emotionally and financially. dont think of it as something pride should prevent, but rather what family does for the people they love. good luck.

a good thing to consider is if you parents might

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Really jgorczy? Don't there have to be some limitations to that? I mean, I agree it's the right thing to do for the person leaving to make sure that the one they left isn't really in a bad place from moving out, but I think the dumpee might take advantage out of spite (Not that your FH is going to be like that).

Have you sent out invitations yet? Or Save the Dates? If you have, you should send out a card to everyone that says "The wedding between Ben and JLo will not take place." You don't need to offer any more explanation.

I'd recommend moving out quickly and on your own when your FH isn't there. Be fair about what you take, and if you really want to take something that was mutually purchased, offer to pay for the other half (sofa for instance).

My friend "Sue" just got dumped pretty badly by this guy (one weekend they were talking about their future and getting a dog together, the next weekend he walked into her appt and said "I can't marry you," ugh) and she read a lot of books for support. One of them recommended taking a 90 day period of not talking to the ex and spending the time just on you. It's really hard to do, but she's really glad she did it and thinks it has really helped her out.

Best of luck.


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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

danimal, i think it would depend on if they purchased the house (then it would still be the legal responsibility of both 'on title' persons to pay back the debt, thus the nessecity to refi or sell even if you don't care about recouping your equity, your credit could be destroyed by the other party should a forclosure result) and if she signed the lease of a rental, all signing parties are still legally obligated to pay until the lease ends, whether one is living there or not, unless they are willing to pay penalties to end lease early. like you said though, hopefully, the ex wont be that spiteful.

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have never broken off an engagment but I did get a divorce and it was ME who wanted it. and this was about 5 years ago so it is still pretty recent.

I married the man thinking I could change him and we could work it out.  DIDNT HAPPEN!  About a year and a half into the relationship FH started working offshore and that is when I realized how much happier I was without him!  It was very very hard...but I had to tell him

I said...honey I love you but I am not IN love with you.  We have tried and tried to work things out and it just isnt working.

He started begging with the "1 more chance I promise I can change" but i had heard that too many times....this was it.  He threw himself down on the ground and starting ballling...but I had to walk away.

Here is my advice...if you are going to leave get your stuff out of there before you tell him.  ex destroyed a lot of my things and threatened to burn everything.  If you have a joint bank account take YOUR portion only and open an account at another bank without him on it. Dont delay what you have to do...but dont rush it either...get your ducks in a row.  Find a place to stay...someone to support you emotionally. If you have any specific questions you can PM me.  Also you are more than welcome to join my board...it is kind of sort of a bridal board...but there are non brides on there and a lot of non wedding related things.  We are very supportive and can help you through this.

 http://militarybride.proboards101.com

 Good Luck!

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 3:26 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks all for your support so far! Militarybride, nice to see you again and I'll probably check out your board later -- just reading from work right now (nobody else does that, right? ::wink:: ), and thought I might clear up some technical details:

We rent an apartment and I'm moving out. I'm not attached to the place at all and he loves it, so it'd be the sensible thing anyway. I am not leaving him in the lurch financially -- his parents are wealthy and already just give him a ridiculous amount of money, most of which he spends on frivolous junk. So he'll just have to spend a little less on random crap and a little more on rent. I have already spoken to the landlady and she says we can just attach a rider to the lease agreement that removes me from it effective a certain date.

We do not have a shared bank account. The parents have given him everything he's ever wanted, he has no idea how to control money, and I insisted on separate accounts from the beginning for that reason.

As far as property -- I've been in the process of slowly packing and getting rid of things, and the stuff I MUST have to survive (essential paperwork, etc) is very accessible and quickly removable. There's pretty much no mutual property -- either I bought it, or he or his folks bought it.

And we haven't made any wedding plans -- not even a date. I will be upsetting and disappointing his parents and their massive social circle, but I could give two $#!^$.  

 

 

BUT here are the two big technical hurdles:

We do have one piece of mutual property -- a car with both our names on the title, which was a gift from his parents. I wouldn't mind buying "his half" but if it's going to be any trouble at all I have no problems just signing it over. Still leaves me carless, though, and I can't manage too long without one.

There's also the physical moving of my stuff, which wouldn't be as big a problem except that I have some furniture (a bedroom set) that's come down through the family and which I really feel horrible just abandoning or selling. Everything else I could move by myself in a normal car, but the furniture would require at least a couple strong guys and a pickup truck.

 

One thing I've done that's helped -- suggested by a friend -- is write an actual paper list of grievances. Whenever my resolve wavers, I look at the list and it fires right back up again!!

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: May 31, 2006 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hi Tulip, I remember you and the thread (and yes, I DID read the entire "Preacher" series).  I am so very sorry you are going through this.  While I don't have direct personal experience with a breakup/moveout, my FH was in this situation with his ex, and I am watching a dear friend going through a divorce.  You sound like you are doing all the right things with your money and property.  If you can afford it, please hire movers -- don't hurt yourself on top of everything else.  If not, take it slow and easy and get as many friends to help as you can.  I think it will help once you are out of that space.  The longer you are stuck there, the worse it will be. 

 Please take care of yourself -- that is going to be very important.  Keep us posted on how you are doing.  Hugs to you.    

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: Jun 1, 2006 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Just wanted to thank all you guys again -- I remember almost all of you from the "old days" -- it's been a big boost just reading these posts. Even electronic handholding helps!! I promise that as soon as something happens, I will let you guys know. Bless you all for being willing to reach hands across the cold dark internet to a stranger!

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Guest
Re: The Thread Nobody Wants To Read
Posted: Jun 1, 2006 11:45 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Tulip, can your said friend help you move the bedroom set?  As for the car, if you don't want to deal with it, make them buy you out.  Why should they benefit, b/c it's a hassle?  That way you have the down payment on something new or newer (used).

 


Michele & Kyle

5/16/2006

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