Ok guys, moving day (to my friend's house) is June 24. It can't be earlier than that because all the utilities won't be hooked up in the house until the week before then, and there's things I have to do for work that week.
I am already calling out the troops -- packing things to stash at other local friends' places, and rounding up people to help with the move. This is one part where I am EXTREMELY lucky -- God bless these people -- I don't know who or where I'd be without them.
I called and told my parents. The bedroom I'll have at my friend's house is actually not big enough to hold the family furniture, but the parents would rather pay for moving and storing it than let me get rid of it. So that's that.
I will be asking NLFFIL (No Longer Future Father In Law) what he wants me to do with the car. I really don't feel right running away with it -- NLFH has his own car, and NLFFIL has never been anything but kind to me and I don't believe in taking it just because the family can afford to lose it. I'm prepared to sign it back over if that's what NLFFIL wants, but my dad seems to think that NLFFIL would rather just give me the car outright than bother with selling a completely superfluous car. We'll see. I'll probably give the ring back to NLFFIL too -- he's the one who bought it.
Now the question is: tell NLFH before I move, or after? He'll be at work all day that day, so he won't witness any of the move or be able to interfere. And I do have to see him again in order to convert the lease papers, so I can't completely disappear.
I don't know the exact situation you're in, but I think you need to tell him in advance of leaving. Even if it's just a few days before you leave, he should know and you should talk about it like adults. Let him know you have everything set up and ready and let him know when it's going to happen (I think he deserves that much). Again, I don't know your personal situation, but I think you need to explain to him what's going on before you leave the apartment a "ghost town".
Tulip, I've been through similar situation. I definitely understand why you might want to hold your secret of moving out close to you. If you have reason to believe he might steal or damage your stuff, then I understand also the kind of person you're dealing with (they are not uncommon either). I don't see the need to tell him until you are darned sure you've gotten placement for all the things that are important to you. Presumably, that will be the evening at the end of moving day. A lot of fairly desperate actions could come from him in 2 - 3 weeks time. You know him better than we do, and I don't think you should risk it. I think he has brought this on himself, just from what you're saying. Some couples can discuss an impending breakup, others definitely cannot. You'll have to make this call. Good luck and best wishes!
If it were me I wouldn't tell him. But I would be waiting in the apartment for him when he comes home on the day you've moved your stuff out----with at least one good friend and maybe the landlady as well for signing the addendum to the lease. It should help give you some closure in a somewhat safe environment.
Moving things bit by bit has been temporarily stalled by NLFH's sudden illness. Hard to move things when he's laying all over them. And whining for hot beverages. We are fighting more but he still has no idea what's going on. Then again, lots of bad things have happened in our relationship that I didn't leave him over, so I'm sure he's got no reason to believe I'll ever go. Still haven't decided when I'm going to tell him. I'm waiting right now on a call from the landlady about handling the lease -- that might affect things.
Good news -- new room is bigger than I thought it was, I didn't believe the measurements my friend sent me, so I'll be able to keep almost all my stuff, including the precious furniture! A few loads of clothes and junk are going to a local charity today.
I also told my boss and the two coworkers I share an office with what's going on. They deserve to know why I might be a subpar employee (and b!#&*ier than usual) for the next couple weeks. Boss is very understanding and says to just get done what I need to get done now so I can bounce back next month. Phew!
Will keep you all posted -- this is the week when the action starts. May you have as much happiness in your weddings and planning as I have strife in breaking mine!
Tulip, everything will be alright I promise. you will look back and think, leaving was the best to ever happen. I was with my ex for 2 years, we were engaged for 2 months. He was cheating on me and doing drugs. And he had started abusing me. That was a place that a baby did NOT need to be in. He was the one who broke the engagement. I wanted to, but like you I had grown to care about him and I was also a little scared. He began to have a really bad temper. I guess I was kinda hoping he would do it so I wouldn't have to. Yeah, I cried a little when it happened because I wouldn't have him. But if he was around and I saw him somewhere, I would probably go up to him and say, "Thank You soooo much for breaking up with me." If we had stayed together, I wouldn't be with the wonderful man that I'm with now. He loves my daughter just like she was his own. We have been together ever since she was 7 weeks old. My best friend, who is my moh, helped me thru that ordeal a lot. My ex and I broke up the day before I had my daughter. I was majorly stressed. I cried constantly the next few weeks. I think that was mostly being waaay overwhelmed of everything with having a new baby. Spend time with your friends, but don't get too wild. It's the best cure for the breakup blues. Soon 2Be Mrs. Patton
I haven't read this thread in a while, but I agree with the others who say you need to tell him you are leaving and breaking off the engagement before you move out. At this point, you're making other arrangements on where to live, moving items out, etc., yet this guy still thinks you are going to marry him. I don't know all the circumstances, and if he has been abusive, I can certainly see the need to move out quickly and secretly, but if he has been an otherwise decent person, I would give him a little warning here. I wouldn't just move out and let him come home to an empty apartment. Clearly, you loved this man at one point, and you say you still care for him, so I wouldn't move everything out and leave without telling him first. It may seem like the easy thing to do, but it really sounds like a pretty mean thing to do to someone unless he has been really evil (like beating you or something like that).
I told you guys on Monday -- this is when the action starts...
Things have moved from normal (dull) to tense to a blowup on Wednesday night. I should say, his blowup. I really, really wanted to blow up right back at him and just wound him in every way I could think of... but I didn't. Instead I stayed calm and deflected all his attacks with rational thought and logic. And things turned. He went from blaming me for everything wrong in the relationship (status quo for past 1.5 years) to admitting that he was wrong and that a whole lot of problems were his fault. He asked if I was happy in the relationship. I said no. Then came the begging... Please don't leave me. I love you more than anything. You're the only thing I have going in my life. You know I'll always take care of you. I don't know what I'd do without you. Etc. ... I could spend another hour or two typing up reasons why each of those statements are laughable (even if some of them might be true) but that's not the point. I told him that I had to be up at 6 the next day to go to work (it was 3 AM by that point) and went to bed.
Why didn't I own up then? Partly because it WAS 3 AM and I DID have to be up at 6 to get to work early to do things yesterday morning... but partly because I hadn't yet actually had the chance to move any of my stuff. So I rushed home from work last night, gathered up all the valuables (important paper records, comp hard drive backups, jewelry, my family heirlooms, etc) and took it over to a friend's house. Last night was a little more awkwardness followed by more begging. I was still exhausted from the night before, so I didn't participate much or say much.
Today is his day off. It will be interesting to get home from work and see what he did with it. At least now, if he does anything dramatic, I have everything I need to keep my life together and all the irreplaceable things are safe. I'm free to break the news now. The s#!^ is sure to hit the fan very, very soon...