A SAD STORY

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 3:52 PM

Hello everyone. Hope all is having a blessed day so far. I have a sad story and although I'm really not looking for advice, I'm just looking for some words of encouragement to help me keep my sanity right now as I feel like I'm going to lose it REAL soon. I already know what I have to do but it's just that I thought the wedding planning was going so good until Friday, when I got hit with some really SCREWED up news that is going on with my family in ATL.



Starting from the beginning, at the age of 9, my father went to court and fought for custody of me and won. I left my mom and went to live with my father during that time. I never seen my mom again until I was in my 20's. During that time of living with him, he (my dad) molested me several times. I was told by him that if I ever told anyone, I would then be taken away to live in a foster family where no one would care for me.



It wasn't until I was 12, I got up enough courage to speak up and told my at the time step-mother what he had done. I also told my aunts and uncles (HIS brothers and sisters) and then my grandparents (his parents). He went to jail, the courts took me away and sent me to live with my grandparents, aunts and uncles (HIS family who all lived together in a big house in Long Island).


For years I didn't have a relationship with him, I didn't speak to him and if I did see him, it was just a hello or goodbye (out of respect). I really didn't have many words for him. Then as I got older, the relationship continued the same way. Until one day, something told me to have a heart and hear him out. I actually sat down to listen to him, we talked for hours and he basically told me how he's a changed man. He got married, has two kids + (his step-daughter) and that they were moving to ATL. Great I was happy for him, he as happy for me, etc.


After they moved to ATL, again our relationship was off and on for more years to come, but then something told me to reach out to him again, and I did. I found that he became a deacon, his wife a deaconess, and all of them were active participants of their church home down in ATL. He told me how he thanked GOD for giving him a second chance and if he had it to do over, he DEFINATELY would not have made that mistake.


SO for the last 5 years or so, I've been talking with him, his wife, my brother and sisters. We've (my family) been down there a few times to visit, even recently over the Christmas holiday's, where he finally got a chance to get to know my FH. I let my own children get close just so that they know who their grandfather was, as I felt it was only right and I was pretty happy at how my father was destined to make things right.



My father was happy and excited about the upcoming wedding. Excited that his "baby girl" as he puts it is getting married and he wanted nothing more than the honor of giving me away. I was really looking forward to this myself and wanted nothing more than to make him happy. He was suppose to be helping with the costs, etc, even though I told him that he didn't have to, my dad really wanted to a part of this 100%.



NOW here's where I get kicked in the head. On Friday I got a call from my step-mother telling me that she had some news to tell me and she wasn't quite sure how. She told me that my father. . . . . has been messing with her daughter (his step-daughter) from the time she was 16 years old, until now. Her daughter is now 22 years old. Oh my god, my head hurts. Now, I don't mean just a little touching here and there, my father was actually having intercourse with this girl.



I am EXTREMELY pi$$ed off. I spoke with all three of them, separately of course, and my step-mom wanted me to talk him into leaving the house. I spoke with my father and he REFUSED to leave the house. I spoke with the daughter and she pretty much told me that he's been having sex with her no matter HOW many time she's told him NO!!!!



I asked WHY DID YOU LET THIS HAPPEN??? She said that it's because she felt sorry for him and thought that its because her mother has had constant surgeries, her mother couldn't perform her duties in the bedroom to my father, so she just let him have his way. This daughter is AFRAID to tell the authorities and according to what my step-mom said, when she contacted the authorities, they told her that if her daughter didn't come front and say what happened, then they would have no case. NO VICTIM, NO CASE!!



I'm even MORE pi$$ed off due to the fact that my step-mother KNEW about this from before, according to her daughter and nothing was done. When I spoke to my father, would you believe that his first question was "I guess your disgusted with me huh?" YOU DAMN RIGHT I AM...WHAT YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU WAY TO GO!!!



ANYWAY'S, there's a MASS confusion going on in that house right now. My father blames my step-mother (from the time they got together with all the threesomes and sick twisted fantasies about other people that she’s been putting in his head) my step-sister is of course pi$$ed off with the two of them.  I don't know why this came to light all of a sudden as I haven't spoken with any of them since the weekend (father and step-mother) and not sure I want to right now.  I told my father that if he started to feel weak and knew that he may not be able to control himself then that should have been his ticket out of the door as far as I’m concerned to ensure HER safety. 



So now the entire family is in a uproar of course.  My uncle wants to kill my father….again.  My aunts doesn’t want ANYTHING to do with him.  My FH doesn’t want my father at the wedding, as well as the rest of the family and I can’t blame them, I really can’t.  I totally don’t want him around MY girls.  This is just WAY too much for me right now.  Sorry that this is too long, too graphic or just too FREAKING SICK!!!  I just wanted to get this off my chest and get some words of encouragement, I’m freaking out and crying at the same time I’m typing this.  



Thanks all for reading.

IS there something wrong with me for actually believing that he was a changed man?  I feel so stupid.


Message was edited by RoBelle on May 4, 2006 4:05 PM

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

Don't blame yourself for assuming he had changed his behavior. EVER. You are NOT responsible for his reprehensible actions. I am so sorry that you have to not only go through this as a child, but you found out that he really did not change his behavior patterns. I wish I could do more than offer an ear and a hug.

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

I'm so sorry honey.  It is a sad story.  I'm glad you had the courage to speak up when you needed to and I'm glad you decided to give dad that second chance.  BUT it was all built on a lie.  Everything he said to you, everything he did.  You have every right to be upset.  AND if you wish, every right to never, ever speak to him again.   You are right to keep your kids away from the whole family. 

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

First things first, you are a brave survivor of one of the worst types of violations.  Second, neither you or your step-sister or any other victim of incest or pedophilia is ever to blame for the illegal and immoral actions of a perpetraitor.  You are not stupid--a forgiving person is not a stupid person and you are to be commended for your willingness to forgive such a violation.  Most women would not have given your father a second chance--you did and that's fine.  Now, though, he has violated your trust and everyone else's trust in your family.  My advice, then: you are done with this man.  As difficult as it is, walk away and never look back.  You can only surround yourself with healthy, positive individuals who love you and that you trust.  I can only imagine your faith and trust in anyone would be shaken right now, that's normal. 

Please do not get overly embroiled in this new assault on your stepsister.  I know you care about her and your step-family, but do not take on additional stress or problems.  You need to work through this new violation of trust and it's affect on you first (and any residual issues you may have from his assaults on you in the past).  Only after you feel strong and complete again can you be of any help to your step family anyway.  Encourage them all to seek help and therapy and that is all you can do. 

As to the legal issues:  I used to prosecute these kinds of cases and it is very difficult to make a case against someone without a victim.  In addition, every state and local law enforcement agency has different laws and policies to follow.  Some states are more progressive and aggressive than others--I do not have any personal knowledge about GA law.  As far as I can tell your step mother has done all she can by reporting it to law enforcement.  Whether your step sister cooperates or not is her choice, much as you might want to help her make that choice, you just cannot--for all of the reasons I've tried to explain already.

For everyone, including RoBelle--anything from touching to full intercourse by a relative and/or "person in a position of trust" upon a person who is related (step parents and siblings included) IS incest.  It should be reported immediately and the victim supported and encouraged to seek help.  If it's a non-relative the age limit for such illegal activity by an adult upon a child is 16 in most states--and it does not matter whether the minor consents/thinks its "ok" or not--it IS pedophilia.  Report it immediately and again, support the victim as much as possible.

RoBelle, lean on your FH and healthy family member sand friends right now--you need them more than ever.  This will not be easy, but you know in your heart what you must do for yourself (and your FH and your marriage).  My heart goes out to you, take good care of yourself!

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buddysbethy Posts : 196 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

whoa..... i'll say a prayer for you.  I dont even know what to say.  hugs from Idaho,

Beth

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totobride Posts : 641 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:18 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

Sweetie, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said - just that my heart is with you.  You are being very mature about this. 

My only hope is that you will support your step sister.  Never trust this man again.  Good luck, and keep us updated.

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:42 PM Go to message in response to: totobride

Honey, my heart is with you.  You are a very strong woman to be able to forgive this man.  I too was a victim of sexual abuse as a child (my mom's husban's nephewS).  I never had the opportunity to face them as an adult, but if I did, I don't think I would have it in me to forgive.  In a way, they have ruined my life.  I have a 13 year old son, a 13 year old step-son, and a 5 year old daugther.  My boys think I am crazy because I won't leave my daughter alone with either of them, but I have been traumatized, and I refuse to let my daughter go through the same thing.

This kind of situation also makes you wonder about these churches.  Here he is a deacon, and doing this.  Who can you trust anymore.

I agree with another poster when they said you did good by forgiving, but now its time to move one.  Get him out of your life, and no matter how much he tries to convince you he is a changed man, don't believe him.

Also, be there as much as possible for your step-sister.  You both need a shoulder to lean on right now, and there is no one better than someone who understands exactly what you are going through because they have been through it.

I will pray for you.

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:52 PM Go to message in response to: totobride

THANK YOU LADIES! 


This is VERY difficult for me to handle right now and my family (MY FATHER'S siblings and MY FATHER'S parents) are standing behind me 100% including my FH.  


cbbride2b, I walked around for years believing that what he did to me was my fault.  No matter what anyone said, I felt an enormous amount of SHAME and EMBARRASSMENT!   I remember when I would have to meet with my therapist, I hated talking to her and I just wanted to stick my head under the dirt.  I didn't want to live and it took me a long time to not be embarrassed about sex. 


I'm keeping my distance.  I don't want to talk to him or hear anymore of his sorry @ss, excuses.  I will be there for my step-sister and give her all the help I possibly could.  I think she's going into the air-force soon so I will encourage her keep the lines of communication open, if ever she needed me.


I have a really bad headache right now.  I need to go lay down.  I will keep you all updated and once again thanks. 

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

I couldn't imagine what you had to go through and I don't know the right words to say, other than keep your head up and protect your own children. Continue to be a role model for the victims who never had the courage to come forward. And I give you so much credit for that because alot of victims will take that horrible secret with them to the grave.

But most importantly, as for your question

"IS there something wrong with me for actually believing that he was a changed man?"

Absolutely not.

 I cant think of anyone who wouldn't have so much hope, as to believe that their father would have changed for the better.

Your father obviously has a horrible pattern that he follows, and giving him a 3rd chance may not be in the best interest of you or your daughters. You would never want your daughters to think that it is OK to forgive a man of such horrible habits. You were the better person and gave him the benefit of the doubt, and he ruined it. I know you just want words of encouragement, so my words would be to continue to be the role model for those victims and your daughters by speaking the truth and putting people like that behind bars. I will pray for you and your family, and I hope that only the best will happen for you. Good luck and hold your head high!

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Guest
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 5:52 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

You have a couple of things you need to do.
1. Find a good family counselor that can work with you and your step-sister both alone and jointly.  If your step-monster is willing to go as well so be it but I think that she's part of the problem.
2. Call your local police or city prosecutor to find out how to help your step-sis file charges.  If your father has been raping her repeatedly since she was 16, there's charges to be filed.  Depending on what the age of consent is in ATL, there may be statuatory rape charges to be filed as well.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: A SAD STORY
Posted: May 4, 2006 6:04 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'd just like to add that no you are not stupid for believing he had changed.  There was every indication that he had changed, and yes, some people do.  But he didn't, and I think that being there for your step sister and basically trying to get on with your life is probably the best thing.  But reporting it when it happened to you, you did everything that you could to prevent it from happening to anyone else, and I know that wasn't 100% successful, but I think you have definitely saved other girls!

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