FH and I have different, uh...desires

Online Users: 0 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 18
Guest
FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 1:33 AM

First off, let me make myself clear that this is NOT causing us problems now.  It's just that I think it might be an issue later on. 

As of now, my FH and I have a very fulfilling physical relationship.  However, he is less, shall we say, inhibited than I am.  He's always wanting to try new positions and things like that, and I don't always enjoy it.  He doesn't get upset with me when he wants to try something and I don't want to (usually because we've already tried it and I didn't really enjoy it), and he'd never try to force me to do something I don't want to do, but I can tell he gets disappointed when he wants to try a specific position (I'm too much of a prude to go into detail here! ), and I want to go with one of the couple of other positions that I actually enjoy.  Also, he wants to try role playing, costumes, and stuff like that, but I just don't think I can get into that.  The thought of my FH thinking of someone else (even if it's just me playing a part) when we're having sex really grosses me out.   

Does any of you deal with this with your FHs?  Should I stand my ground and only go with what I'm comfortable with?  Should I be more willing to try new things?  Should I wait and see if I become less inhibited later on (FH and I were both virgins before each other)?  Do most guys (and girls) like to experiment like my FH does?  Any tips on how I can try to enjoy experimenting with my FH?

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gemini5241980 Posts : 426 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 1:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Okay with our little spat behind us now fI would suggest being open and honest with him. Let him know while you like that he spontanious ( spelling) you just aren't as shall we say "freaky" (for lack of better word right now) as he is.

Sugeest something that you do like. It is very normal for couples to experiment tha's how you find out what you like and what you don't. Let him know what it is that you don't like and what it is that you do. By doing this you may avoid hurting each other in the long run.

Chin up girly I know it seems like the worst thing ever right now but a lot of couples go through it. Hang in there and open up with him might be suprised what you find out.

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: gemini5241980

Gemini is right.  You guys have to talk.  BUT don't do it in bed. 

Discuss your personal fantansies.  Be open to his.  Talk about what you like and what you don't like.  If you are comfortable with the positions you are doing, tell him.  But maybe suggest variations of those positions. 

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:19 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Definitely talk beforehand, and figure out what (or if) the mental block is your having. My FH wants to do something that I can't mentally take- and I told him to give me time to warm up to the idea (because I'm not opposed, it just grosses me out), and maybe when I have a glass of wine, my inhibitions will loosen up. That being said, remember to only bring alcohol into it if you are fine with the idea, you just have a mental block that is stopping you.

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NatSeptBride Posts : 888 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: Emerald928

Definately talk to him... Be honest with him about how you feel.  It is definately normal to feel the way you do, and for him to want to experiment, especially considering you were both virgins when you met.  Just tell him that although you are comfortable with him, and love him, and your sex life, there are certain things that you aren't comfortable with yet, and want time to kind of ease into them.  You have the rest of your lives together, so there is no need to for lack of a better word here exaust all your fantasies etc right now.  Good luck

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totobride Posts : 641 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:34 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree, definitely talk to him - but don't be afraid to try new things!  i was scared (and turned off at the thought of) some things, but I tried one, and I actually liked it.  Let him know that he gets one thing that he really wants to do, and if you like it, you may be more open to others......it may work - it did with me.  If you don't want to, that's cool - just an idea

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

My FH and I had the opposite problem. I'm more adventerous than he is. We had a nice long talk, and we came to the idea that if there was something that I wanted to try I would have to tell him beforehand exactly what was up, and he could nix any of my ideas any time. There were a few things he was iffy on, but when we tried them he loved them! If something really is WAY out of your ballpark, then I'd say don't do it, but a little experimentation really can help a relationship a lot! 

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:47 AM Go to message in response to: totobride

Just chiming in to say talk to him!  I think it is great if both partners have the same ideas about sex but let's face it- it's pretty rare.  My FH would have sex 4 times a day if I would go along with it but he knows that, under normal circumstances, 4 times a week is more like what he will get.  (I say under normal circumstances because I have been chronically ill for several months and we hardly ever have sex because I don't feel well.  Poor guy... I can't believe he has been able to put up with it as well as he has.)

One thing that has worked for us is that I agreed to try anything once, excluding threesomes and anything that would hurt.  He likes it because we can try all sorts of positions, some of which I surprised myself by liking.  However, if you truly do not feel comfortable doing this then your best bet is to be honest with him.  Tell him you may change your mind in the future but right now you want to stick with the tried and true. 

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

What you're both going through is normal.  Take your time in deciding what to try, but try to be non-judgmental about his ideas (and it sounds like you are non-judgmental).  I just wouldn't do anything I wasn't confident or comfortable about.  A good book I can recommend is She Comes First, written by a man named by Ian Kerner.  www.shecomesfirst.com

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 12:44 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think it is normal what you are going through.  I am embarrassed when I think how horribly inhibited I was at first.  Sex is LOTS better after you let go.  It might help to learn more about sex.  I stumbled on this site the other day, and it has some interesting positions, with reviews, and it's not seedy.

http://www.sexinfo101.com/

Playing dress-up might be helpful to you.  Afterall, it won't be you acting like a B. in heat, it will be Sally the french maid.  Take it slow, and don't do anything that hurts.

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My suggestion is to think about some of the fantasies that you have (long bubble baths, candlelit dinner, chocolates and champagne) and offer those up.  Next, ask him about his fantasies, and be open.  You shouldn't do anything you don't want to do, but if you talk things over long enough and are really clear about what is okay and what is not you might be surprised at the things you'll enjoy.  Also maybe think about trying to tone down his fantasies...maybe you don't role play per se, but you wear a tie in bed or something.  Sex should be fun...for both of you!  Just talk and talk and talk until you find something that works.  Good luck!

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 7:18 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I know exactly where you're coming from. I found that these small issues led to to serious problems in some relationships, but with my FH we've been able to work on it. First of all, know that intimacy and experimentation occur in different phases for everyone. Secondly, never do something you're not into. It only leads to regret and resentment, two things you don't want connected to your sex life. The other posters are correct that you and FH need to talk about this, but do it at a time when you are both relaxed and no intimacy is being initiated. What I learned on talking to my FH is that he lis turned on by the idea of one act (the same one I think you're talking about), but doesn't really like it once it's happening. So what we did was develop a code phrase (something to keep the mood going like "All I want is you") for me to say when he's talking about wanting that one act. The phrase means NO, but it doesn't ruin the mood and allows him to keep those exciting thoughts in his mind. This has worked really well for us. Along the fantasies and role-play line... try something tame at first. Re-enact your first sexual encounter with each other and play virgin again. You can try making up situations, but being yourself instead of a "role". This is fun, but not too wild or scary. Also, try some audio erotica. I know it sounds like porn, but it is more geared toward women because it is so descriptive. It is great at inspiring role-playing, or at least some laughs. There are lots of ways to get more "kinky" without getting weird or scary. Try silk scarves to tie his arms and legs down, instead of handcuffs and bondage.

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks, girls. 

I will definitely talk to him--like someone mentioned, maybe we can trade fantasies!  That would be nice.  I'll also have to be careful not to bring this up when we already in the middle of something; now that I think about it, that is the only time I bring this up with him.

I just don't want him to get bored, but I want to stick to stuff that I'm comfortable with, you know?  I think I'll take some of your advice, and hopefully, we'll be able to find things that we both enjoy...maybe we'll try that this weekend...

Thanks again! 

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Guest
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 11:35 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Sophia:  Thanks for that site!  I don't think FH and I have thought of even half of those positions--it was very informative!  LOL  I think I'll show it to my FH, too!   

I still can't stomach the thought my my FH having sex with "Sally the French Maid" though.  Of course, I'm sure he'd be just fine with that! LOL

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071707 Posts : 313 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: FH and I have different, uh...desires
Posted: Apr 26, 2006 9:09 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think that you should just let yourself go and not be so inhibited. Sex can get so monotonous after a while and your fiancee obviously loves you so you shouldn't feel embarrassed. Maybe get a bit of 'dutch courage' beforehand just for the first couple of times until you feel more comfortable.

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