uhh dating?

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katiemae1985 Posts : 449 Registered: 3/28/06
uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 1:30 PM

As you know, I am now newly single. While not ready to jump back into the dating pool yet, I was wondering if any one knows of any good dating sites. Not the kind where you find dates, but the kind where there may be dating forums, advice, support etc. I haven't dated in 6 years and even though I'm young (21) I have no experience. Rob and I were together throughout high school and college and I have never went through much of the dating trials and rituals.

Any website recommendations or personal advice would be much appreciated!

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: katiemae1985

I don't know of any dating websites, but I'll give you some advice from personal experience before I met my fiance:  don't date guys you meet in bars.  Of course, there may be exceptions to that rule (heck, my parents met in a bar), but my experience and the experience of my sisters has been that anytime any of us has dated a guy we met in a bar, it has turned out badly.

I met my FH at work.  Other good places to meet people without depending on the bar scene include cocktail parties or other activities held by professional societies in your area, church functions, and parties held by friends at which single guys are also invited.  You could also sign up for some fun classes on the weekend, like an art class or a tennis class, and you might meet some nice guys there.

Also, with my FH and I, the way it worked out was that we started out as friends first.  We met at work and we hung out together because we were the only new people there and both new to the city and didn't know many other people.  We were friends for about 3 months before we actually started dating.  We went out for New Year's Eve, and the people we were supposed to meet up with never showed, so we ended up dancing together all night and he kissed me at midnight.  We have been together ever since. 

I wish you the best of luck, and I am sure you will find someone who will treat you much better than Rob did! 

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 3:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Scarlett, I met FH in a bar. Just an FYI :)

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I was waiting for someone to say that.   I guess the better advice would be, "Be wary of guys you meet in bars, but you could luck out and find a good one like my mom and MichBride."

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 4:08 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Haha, that works :)  Honestly, I think the reason it "worked" is because we actually had mutual friends that we didn't know about. When we met we got to talking and found out that some people he was still friends with from high school were some of my friends from college. So having that connection and knowing that we travelled in the same group of people gave us a good starting point, and made sure that he wasn't a wacko (I sure have met my share of wack jobs at bars, I used to bartend, ugh...).

If I had to start dating all over again, I would reallly take things slow with the next guy. When I was younger I got caught up so quick in the relationship, you really need to build a friendship first and really learn about what this person is about. eHarmony.com and Match.com have relationship advice, and honestly, I have nothing against using online dating services, its like custom ordering a boyfriend, I think its a great idea! :)

Good luck honey, you'll find a great guy, just don't worry about how soon it happens :)

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Emerald928 Posts : 155 Registered: 3/31/06
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would most definitely give yourself a lot of time, and use this as an opportunity to figure who you are because I am 20, and FH and I have been together for 3 years, and I know how easy it is to get caught up in each other when these years are the "discovery" years.

I think the best place to find dating tips are from your family (sisters, mom) and your girlfriends...learn from their mistakes, and hey, even let them hook you up on a blind date or two! Oh yeah, one more thing, when dating, listen to what your family says- If they don't like a guy- chances are they're right!

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: Emerald928


Emerald928 wrote:

Oh yeah, one more thing, when dating, listen to what your family says- If they don't like a guy- chances are they're right!

Amen to that!!!! Could have avoided a lot of misery if I would have not been so stubborn! :)

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 5:37 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My 3 closest friends have all married men they met at bars. I will be the 4th~.


my advice is be wary of ANYone you meet ANYwhere. These days its a very scary place. and if you've been out of the dating loop, you might not be quite prepared for whats out there. (i had 28 years of single life out there, and trust me, its frightening-ion many different ways!!!)

try meeting friends of friends. Always go with other people on a first date especially if you do not know a person too well! This is the time to rely on friends... its what they are there for!

good luck easing your way back in there!

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: katiemae1985

Katie - I was sort of in your same situation. I'd been with a guy for 6 yrs as well, through most all of college before realizing we just weren't going in the same directions, and breaking it off for the last time.

I would say, first off, to give yourself some time to HEAL! Yes, you are newly single. Revel in it, have fun, and enjoy just being able to tell people you're SIN-GLE. It's pretty weird at first, so practice! Not to mention that a person who's looking for a healthy relationship will want to know that you've really had time to get over your past one, especially since it had such serious potential.

In general, you'll tend to meet people when you're least looking for them. Go out and get active with friends, family, church, school, whatever floats your boat right now b/c it is and should be all about you. Know thyself (or have some solid clue, teehee) in order to attract the kind of partner you want!

If you do decide you eventually want to try a dating site, I was on Match.com for a short while, and well, obviously it worked for me even though I wasn't exactly looking for it! They have tons of articles and such; not sure about a forum but maybe now. Unfortunately, they have since moved to being a primarily "pay" site for the dating, but it seems there are some quality people to meet, without the strict marriage-mind of a place like eHarmony. And especially if you decide to meet/date off the net:

-Always tell friends/family about anyone you're talking to or plan to meet, and tell them when you go.

-Never give out personal info too soon or at all until you meet the person. I always asked for the GUY'S number, and not one questioned my reasons for preferring it that way.

-Always try to meet in a public place for the 1st date and keep it brief and flexible. If either of you want/need to bail, you can. Agree to meet for lunch, or at a sports bar for snacks/drinks and games. If you want to stay, or go out again, great.

-Be upfront and honest about your looks, personality, tastes from minute one (tho of course you should present yourself well); there's plenty of people out there who won't be, but as my fiancee said in his profile: "If you can't be yourself, how can you find someone who likes you for who you are?"

Good luck sweetie, and stick around as long as you'd like to let us know how it's going.

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buddysbethy Posts : 196 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Me I'd wait personally.  I was with my boyfriend for 2 1/2years. Dated through high school etc thought he was the one, well was I wrong. We had ugly split (he wanted me and her and guess what I dont play that game at all)   I played softball all summer long, drank beer, closed the bars, went to work at 8am the next day and lived life to the fullest.  At that time I hated men (except for dad) and pigs were cuter that any guy.  So almost 7years ago, a gal I play softball with gave my number to my now almost FH.  We have taken it so very slow and seen each other through highs/lows of life.  I wouldnt trade it for anything.  I'm 34 now, he's 30 and I couldnt be any happier.  Take your time, smell the roses and please please dont rush into anything.  I'd hate to see you get hurt again -you sound like you have alot to offer   I will be married on 7-7-06 , and did meet him on a blind date

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 7:38 PM Go to message in response to: katiemae1985

I can't really think of a dating website but I highly recommend you check out match.com as it really bolsters your self-esteem.  Just sign up (it's free) and start chatting with various guys.  You don't have to go out with them and I wouldn't even recommend it for a while anyway.  Just get used to talking with lots of other people.  Think of it as practice!  :)

Then, when you are ready, go out with a couple of nice guys but not necessarily the ones you REALLY like.  Again- practice. Eventually you will get the hang of the dating scene and will bolster your confidence which is extremely attractive.  I would recommend meeting for drinks for the first date.  Very low pressure, you can still get to know each other, the alcohol will make you less nervous, and it will be a fairly short date.  If you hit it off you can go out again.  If not, you only wasted a couple of hours.  :)

Good luck!

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 7:58 PM Go to message in response to: katiemae1985

I read your other post and I feel truly sorry for you sweetie, I cannot imagine what you're going through.  However, the only dating advice I can give you right now is...DON'T!  After 6 years of being with one person...give yourself some time for YOU.  All for you.  Think about who you are, what you want, take a few months, take a month, anything.  Hang out with girlfriends.  Go out. Meet people, but don't date anyone.  Not for awhile.  I know it is scary to be alone after being with someone for so long, and that is what makes jumping right back into dating kind of tough...you may end up getting way to serious way to fast with the wrong person just to fill the void.  You've been hurt, and if you start dating too soon you're probably just going to end up with some rebound guy and you'll end up hurting him and missing out on some important time getting to know yourself.  You are FREE!   Enjoy it.  Now is the time to decide exactly what you want for you.  I hope that didn't come out wrong, but it's just my two cents...

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: katiemae1985

I don't know of any websites with good dating advice.  I doubt there is one out there with the depth of info you will need.  I would look into a few books.  The library is a great place to start.  One book I would highly recommend you buy is "Superflirt".  I will probably be flamed, but "The Rules" 1&2 are worth reading.  "Mars and Venus on a date" is also good.  The list is not complete, but if you add a 'how to meet guys' book, it is a good start.

I would also recommend that you promise yourself to date lots of different people, and do not get serious with ANYONE for X time period.  Emotionally, you are really raw right now, and you need some recovery time.  I would try to get out there and 'duty date' for a little while.  You've dated one guy, and I think you need to learn through trial and error what you want in a guy.  'Duty Dating' is going out with any guy that asks you, as long as you feel safe, and he isn't repulsive.  One of my favorite ex-bf's is someone I went out with because I was broke and hungry.  I would also avoid sex for awhile. 

We all feel for you!  It is hard to realize now, but you really are better off. 

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Guest
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 24, 2006 9:11 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

"don't date guys you meet in bars."

I second this. I spent a lot of time through school working with the homeless and disadvantaged in the club district in my area. Many of these people spent a lot of time just hanging out in the bars and clubs. Plus, many times you can't tell who is without a home, psychotic, or on drugs just by a first impression. I think this is something important for all women to know, but I don't want to further stereotypes or judgements.

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: uhh dating?
Posted: Apr 25, 2006 1:01 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

"don't date guys you meet in bars."

While I think there are probably plenty of happy couples who met there, I do agree that girls should be wary of the fact that often times, guys are at bars to get laid, not to form relationships. Again, I understand this isn't always true, and it's a generalization, but from what I've seen my pals go through, it's worth being aware of.

Also, I hear the book "he's just not that into you" is awesome for dating.

But I agree with pp's that you should definitley take time to rediscover who you are alone. It can be an incredible time of your life when you are single and young. You have the space to develop more fully and reinvent your identity a bit. 

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