If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?

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If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:28 PM

Suppose it's a special occasion, your anniversary, birthday, Valentine's Day, something like that.  You don't see your FH until late in the evening.  When you finally do see him, he has a very nice gift for you but no card, and this is the first time he's said, "Happy ____!"  All day. 

Now, suppose that although you love your gifts, you really wish he would've called you earlier in the day just to wish you a happy day and you really wish he would've picked out a nice, heartfelt card.  Would you tell him that and ask him to do those things next time, or would you accept that he's not big on cards and he sees nothing wrong with wishing you a happy day until late in the evening?  Also, if you have to specifically ask for those things, is it really worth it? 

I'm curious to see your opinions on this! 

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Fh and I are older than most couples on here. All it took was a few awww's Roy does this for Carolyn on such n such occassion, isnt that neat? HE GOT THE HINT. Say it once, no more than twice and let him process the information. Guys are sometimes slower to pick up on what we want.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

FH  never used to get me cards. I never said anything but always got him cards. This year for my bday he got me a card. It wasnt heartfelt or anything but the gesture was enough. Also the fact that he caught on , all on his own was great.

SO i guess Im saying it feels better (to me) when the gesture comes from him all on his own without me saying "hey- get me a frikken card every once in a while"haha

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My FH is not big into cards at all.  He has given me 2 cards...the first was for Valentines Day 2005 and I think the other may have been for Valentines Day of this year.  I didn't even get a card on my birthday and doubt I'll get one this year either.  And it'll be my 30th b-day.  At the end of the day, I guess I really don't care if he gives me a card or not.  He always does something nice for me, so that's what counts.  I'll give him a hard time for not giving me a card, but he knows I'm joking.  To be honest, I really could do without cards myself.  I use them more for people who I do not give gifts to.  Most of the time, the card ends up in the trash anyway.  I would probably be a little upset if he went the entire day without saying like Happy Birthday to me though.  We had a special day a few weeks ago and he forgot all about it.  I gave him a card and he totally forgot, so I didn't get a card  and nothing was said to me until I brought it up.  I'm sure he'll forget again too.  It's a little disappointing, but to me, it's not worth getting bent out of shape over it.

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:45 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

To me it kind of depends on what the occasion is.  May I ask what it was?

If I was disappointed that he didn't call earlier I would definately tell him.  Also some guys just aren't big on cards, like my FH.  I have told him before how I really like those romantic cards and all he ever gets me is the cute, sarcastic ones. 
Even if you have to ask for those things at least he hopefully will try for the next time.  I am one of those people who don't think it means as much if I have to tell someone what I want and then they do it next time but that's just me.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 4:49 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I am of the 'mind reading is not a required relationship skill' philosophy.  So, I don't think there is anything wrong with telling him you'd like a call and a card and a gift.  Choosing one is not an option.  You can tailor how you tell him.  "Next time, call me during the day!"  Would probably make it seem like a chore.  But, "I felt forlorn all day, because I thought you had forgotten since you hadn't called"  would probably work better. 

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Personally I think cards are a waste of money unless you're mailing it because you're not seeing the person on that day. I always tell my kids don't get me a card, just call. It's cheaper. My husband does not 'do' cards and that's fine with me.

But here is something kind of on the same idea..........When my husband and I first got together he was good with the gifts but then the kids came along he kinda slacked off. I told him that I wanted him to get me gifts. My reason was because of the kids and how it looked to them when mom had hardly anything to open on Christmas, bday, whatever. Well now he just goes overboard. He likes shopping for me and just gets the craziest things. Now I have to tell him not to buy me too much. 

If it's important to you that he remember you and when he remember you, and of course it is, then tell him how you feel.

It is worth it to ask for those things. I imagine after just asking him once he'll get the idea as my husband did. You have a long life ahead of you with this man. You might as well start telling him now what you like.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

Thanks for the responses so far. 

Although my post can refer to just about any occasion, it was referring to my birthday, which is today.  I actually embellished a little bit; we already celebrated this past weekend, so I already have my gifts, and I'm not actually going to see him today, but he'll call me this evening around 9 or so, like he does every day.  I just really wish he would've sent me a text message or given me a quick call!  I mean, I know we already celebrated, but it would be nice to know he's thinking about me today.

I certainly don't think my FH should be a mind reader, and I've already hinted that I'd like a card every now and again. When he says he's not into cards though, he's not kidding!  His family never exchanges cards, and he really doesn't care if I get them for him or not (so I usually don't).  Like I said though, he already knows that I like cards.

I know how much he loves me, and when we're together, he's actually very romantic.  Also, even though he doesn't give me cards, the gifts he chooses for me obviously take a lot of thought, so it's not like he blows off all our special occasions.  I don't want to be a fianceezilla; since we already did the birthday thing, should I ignore the fact that he hasn't said anything today?  I really wouldn' t be at all surprised if in his mind, we already celebrated my birthday, so it's done.  He's such a guy when it comes to things like this!  Of course, since that's one of his few flaws, I got pretty darn lucky! 
 

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 6:23 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Happy Birthday!
Could he have maybe forgotten that today is actually your bday? I know I do that sometimes and then I'll be writing the date and think oh, it's so and so's bday. Can you give him a call? If it is bothering you I would mention it to him.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 6:25 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

Thanks! 

He knows today's my birthday.  Last night he asked me how I was planning to celebrate today.  rolls eyes

I can, of course, call him, but it seems pretty goofy to call him up and be like, "Gee, I'm just calling you to see why you didn't call me today!"  LOL  I'll just wait until he calls tonight (I sure hope he at least wishes me happy birthday then!).  I probably will mention how bad I felt when I didn't even get a text message from him. 

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i have never dated a SENSITIVE man. which is odd, because i am a bit sensitive, but oh well. I think the problem is, not only are men not psychic, they also dont take hints. i have always been upfront about want i want. i actually had a talk with FH  not too long ago, about how a 99 cent card from halmark was something i would like every now and then. after telling him he has obliged. he just figured that bc it would not matter to him if he got a card, it wouldnt matter to me.

this applys to all things, he may not LIKE to talk to friends on the phone. most male to male converstaions last a total of 3 seconds. but you have to tell him what you want or else he will treat you like one of his friends, because you probably are his best friend. if he doesnt like to whoop it up on his birthday he may figure you dont want to make a big deal of yours either. and throwing a party for him wont be a good enough "hint". Just tell him you wouldnt mind checking out that new bistro down the street for your birthday and ask him to make reservations.  

Have a talk with him and tell him what you want. it is certainly not fair if you dont spell it out for him, because the only thing that will do is cause bitterness bt you both, you bc you wont be getting what you want, and him bc he will sense your discontent. it may seem hard at first but i gaurauntee you will learn to appreciate your new assertiveness. good luck.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 19, 2006 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

You say you've hinted at what you want, most guys miss the hints we women think are obvious.  So, why don't you try TELLING him, nicely, what you would like him to do, hopefully you only have to tell him once and then you are happy.  I think hinting at what you want falls under 'mind reading' to most guys, be hasn't done it so he probably doesn't get it.  Also, if you all have already celebrated maybe he sort of sees your birthday as and done deal?  Just a thought, I personally find cards overrated, but my FH likes them, so I deal.  Good luck, but I think if you speak up you'll get what you want from now on-so its not like you have to tell him every time.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 12:07 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks again.  

I was glad that when I talked to FH tonight, the first thing he said was, "Happy Birthday!".  I did mentioned that I wish he would've called or text messaged me earlier today, and it turns out that he did forget about today being my birthday!  Go figure.  Anyway, he felt bad that I was disappointed about his not calling earlier; he apologized a number of times.  Anyway, you're all right, and being straight up with him did help. 

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LadyBugBride Posts : 533 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 12:42 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Lesson From Other People's Lives: The same thing happened to one of my friends (also one of my BMs) several years ago. They celebrated her birthday the weekend before. He was gone for work by the time she got up on her birthday (as was usual) and he came home late. She did not get so much as a kiss on the cheek and a "Happy Birthday." She did not speak to him for ten days, until the kids refused to play messenger between them. Fast forward one year. He has learned his lesson. We planned a great girls weekend at a nearby spa. He paid for the hotel for all of us and a gourmet dinner for us Saturday night. I can only imagine that he was richly rewarded when we got home.

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Guest
Re: If You Have to Ask for a Nice Gesture, Is It Worth It?
Posted: Apr 20, 2006 1:22 AM Go to message in response to: LadyBugBride

Yeah, when he appologized, I told him he can make up for it later!  LOL  He didn't seem to mind that too much! 

Also, I just noticed that he left a message on my cell phone shortly after I talked to him.  It said, "Happy belated birthday, hun!  I love you!"! 

I love my man! 

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