I am hoping you all can provide some good advice here because I am kind of torn... my lifelong friend is getting married for the second time this fall. At first, I thought she was only having her one friend as MOH and no one else. However I have now learned that she's having a 2nd friend as BM as well as the grooms sister. She really only has 3 close friends- the two in the wedding and myself. I have been friends with her MUCH longer than the other two girls. I was also in her first wedding 5 years ago- when she didn't even know them. And we actually were not as close at that time as we are currently.
When I learned of all this, it was during a conversation between herself, a friend of mine, and me- she actually mentioned "Groom said we should have 4 each and I said no way!". Which felt like a slap in the face because I could of been the 4th and she was saying this to me like it wasn't a big deal.
So I am feeling a little slighted and hurt that I was not asked this time around. I know everyone says be glad, you're saving the time/money/hassle of being in a wedding. But that stuff does not bother me AT ALL. I enjoy being in my friend's weddings. Up until finding this out, I was enjoying planning her wedding with her and offering advice. Now I am just hurt that I wasn't as important to her as the other two girls to be a part of her day.
I really want to talk to her about it but I don't want it to come off as me begging to be in her wedding. I can get past that. But I can't get past feeling like I am not as good of a friend to her as I consider her to be to me. If I was the one getting married, she would without a doubt be in my wedding.
I sympathize with you and understand your feelings. From an etiquette perspective, the fact that this is a second marriage and is occurring only five years after the first one with presumably a similar guest list dictates that it should be a smaller, intimate affair. Even three attendants is a bit much. If the bride had been single for 20 years, she would have more leeway.
Because you were in the first wedding, the bride (or the groom) may want to distance themselves from any similarity to the first wedding, including choosing the same people to stand with them. If you want to talk with your friend, do so, but tread carefully as one who understands the difference between a first and second wedding and the implications.