An Unhealthy FH

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
An Unhealthy FH
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 5:36 PM

Hi everybody!

I don't want this to come off wrong--but I have a very unhealthy and quite a bit overweight FH. I love him very much and I am extremely attracted to him--but it does concern me a little bit.

He is constantly upset about his weight--he is about 40 lbs overweight. And while he goes on these little streaks of health--he goes on more and longer massive streaks of no exercising and a bad diet.

We are in a long distance relationship so I can't make him healthier dinners or drag him to the gym with me--these are things he has to do on his own and should want to do on his own.

Both of us love food and we talk about what we ate that day all the time--he always talks about the healthy breakfast he had that morning, the veggie wrap that he had for lunch--and then the iced cappucino and donut he had for snack followed by 2 fattening meals from the restaurant that he is a manager of.

I don't really know how to help him or what to do. We always talk about "doing this together"--I am not overweight but I am on the heavy side of "normal weight" and I wanted to trim down. I feel like I am working all the time and he isn't. It's actually sometimes annoys me when I talk to him about the exercise that I did that day (5 cardio work outs (45 minutes each) a week plus some muscle strengthening here and there) as well as the balanced diet that I eat everyday--and he goes on about the 20 minutes he spent on a bike--and then the burgers (plural) and fries he had that night for dinner.

I always kind of cringe when I hear about a double bacon cheeseburger that he eats a few times a week--but I don't really know what to say. A few times I have gone "Babe, you keep saying you want to be healthy and you want to lose weight--what are you doing eating a double bacon cheeseburger?" He is so sensitive about his weight--I don't want to push any buttons and make him upset. At the same time, I don't know how to push him in a healthier direction.

I know it's hard considering he works at a restaurant with so many unhealthy yet delicious options--but there are healthier options or he could just chose to make some dinner and bring it with him--or he has access to all the ingredients in the kitchen and can basically make himself whatever he wants. He has done that quite a few times--but it wasn't in a healthier direction--it involved adding different fatty sauces (want some guac on that double bacon cheeseburger?), more cheese or bacon, etc.

Anyways, I need some advice.


starfish701 Posts : 465 Registered: 12/10/08
Re: An Unhealthy FH
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 6:24 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say I completely understand where you are coming from. My ex who i dated for 3 years is over weight. When we would go out and he would order fried food and a salad that he loaded with ranch dressing and salt (yes salt on a salad) I swear I could see his arteries clogging. I would make me so upset. My dad lead a very unhealthy life style as far as food is concerned and I see the consequences of his actions (serious medical problems).

Could you try talking to him calmly the next time you are together and explaining that you love him and are very attracted to him but that you want him around for your kids and grandkids. Maybe there is some work out plan that he can really get into. For example I hate going to the gym, its so boring, but I do Krav Maga (Israel hand to hand combat) three days a week and I LOVE IT. I never want to miss is because it is so much fun. My FH plays tennis and always makes sure he can fit it into his schedule. Maybe if he finds an activity that he loves he will stick with it. Studies do show that more active people make better food choices.
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SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: An Unhealthy FH
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 6:50 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Although she said she didn't have any advice, I think starfish actually made a great suggestion as far as exercise goes -- he should find something that he enjoys! FH and I joined a gym together but even when I try to drag him along, he's still very reluctant to go. He's more into sports/outdoorsy things, so in an effort to get serious about his health he decided to join a basketball league with his buddies and plays twice a week. He also goes out golfing a lot when the weather's nice. We also try to play tennis together once a week and take the dog for hikes on occasion, but I understand the whole long-distance thing poses a challege with those last ones in your situation.

As for eating right, I would just continue to encourage him to make better choices. We're not into the whole counting calories thing, but when FH calls me on his lunch break and says he chose grilled over fried, salad over burger, etc. I always tell him how proud I am that he's making better decisions in support of his health. FH and I both have to watch our health for things that run in our families (heart disease, hypertension, high cholesterol, diabetes, the list is endless between the two of us...) and we are each other's biggest supporters!

That's all I can think of for now... sorry I don't have some more concrete suggestions, lol!

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."


BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: An Unhealthy FH
Posted: Feb 9, 2010 9:36 PM Go to message in response to: SweetSurrender

Thanks guys.

He has found an activity that he really loves--Squash. He was doing it a few times a week starting in January--but last week I think he just went once and he hasn't gone yet this week.

I keep encouraging him to hit the court again--great exercise and gets to spend time with a pal.

But with school work, a job and a long distance girlfriend--he says he's pretty crammed for time.

I keep encouraging it anyways.

He texted me today saying he was going home for a spin on an exercise bike that he bought for his house--I called him after my trip to the gym--he was too tired for the spin.

I'll keep working on it guys--and try to keep it positive and encouraging.

PP, he himself has even said that the reason he wants to get healthy is so that he can spend as many years as possible with me. Sometimes I just want to be like "really? i can't tell by that large order of fish and chips with coleslaw and tartar sauce that you're munching on."

I think he knows it's important to me--I think he just has a hard time motivating himself when we don't see each other that often.

Thanks again guys.


jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: An Unhealthy FH
Posted: Mar 4, 2010 12:04 AM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Okay, so these are different situations, but I think I have some advice, so hear me out! My FH is a wonderful guy. He's a very likable, nice, down-to-earth person. However, he has basically zero social skills. When it comes to making friends he is absolutely clueless. It's not that he doesn't want to have friends, or to spend time with the friends he has, it's just that he really doesn't know how to initiate friendship. I, on the other hand, am super outgoing, and love being with people all the time and make friends very easily.
FH has always been able to sort of leech(I don't mean that in the negative way it sounds) off of my friendship/social skills, so he basically just coasted through adolescence, assured of the fact he would have friends and things to do with those friends because I was there to make friends, plan activities and include him in that. However, when we started college I move halfway across the country, and he didn't have me there anymore, so he just sort of floundered and didn't really know what to do with himself (think, he sat in his room playing video games and reading comic books and calling me four times a day for the large part of a semester).
So, what I convinced him to do was talk to one of his good friends from high school, who went to the same college, and the two of them set up a time to go do something once a week. From there I convinced him to switch off with his friend inviting someone else to join them each week. After that, it wasn't hard to convince him to join a club with another friend. After he joined the club, a friend of his and I convinced him to introduce himself to a person at the club every week until he knew everyone's names, and so on and so forth. Now, FH is still not the social butterfly that I am, but because he set goals and stuck to a schedule, and did it with at least one person he knew and was already comfortable with (and could see the immediate benefits of what he was doing, ie he had friends and stuff to do outside of his apartment) he stuck to it.
So, my advice is in two parts: The first is don't try to tackle everything at once. Start with small changes and build upon that. The second part is since you can't be there, help him find someone who can. Maybe he has a buddy who would be willing to set up a weekly time to go play tennis or go for a run, or whatever your FH enjoys.
Then, you can ask him how it's going and be interested in his activities without nagging! (You know, "How was tennis with John?" rather than "Why didn't you go exercise this week?")
I'm sure you'll find something that works for you! Good luck!


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Re: An Unhealthy FH
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Re: An Unhealthy FH
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