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I need advice...Please help

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NovWedding09 Posts : 3 Registered: 11/25/07
I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 15, 2009 11:48 PM

We're getting married in 4 months and my FH still has not chosen a best man!

To make a long story short, about 2 and a half years ago my FH's brother lashed out at me and let's just say he said some hurtful things and called me some very awful names you should never call a person (and for no reason other than I was the first person in sight.. he likes to drink). I have never received an apology or anything remotely close to it. He's never even said a word to me, yet he continues to go around and play the victim in a completely made up version of the night's events. Meanwhile, in all of this time I have never opened my mouth about any of this to anyone not even my own family, out of respect to my FH and his parents.

My FH and I had a discussion about everything when we got engaged. I told him how I felt about his brother's involvement in our wedding. I told him I was ok with him being in the wedding, but that's as far as I can go with it, and he agreed. I'm really not ok with him being the best man after everything. If I had gotten an apology or any sign of remorse it would have been a different story, even though at this point it seems too little too late.

We've been engaged over a year and a half and the wedding is almost here. Anytime I bring up the whole best man issue it sparks an arguement, and now he just ignores and avoids it all together. I've tried everything and it's just becoming more hurtful. I know it bothers him, and I feel terrible that he is stuck in the middle of this mess. However, I really didn't do anything to deserve to be treated that way and I feel like my FH should be sticking by me and respecting my wishes. (I have a hunch that his mom is pushing the issue) I've considered sucking it up and having his brother as his best man, but then I'm just left feeling miserable and upset. It's supposed to be a happy day, and the thought of him standing up at the alter with us, and giving a speech that is full of nothing but insincere lies makes me sick. I feel like all I've done is compromise and accommodate everyone for this day.

I really don't know what to do at this point. Please help!

(I'm sorry this was so long!)

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey
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MrsDeLouis Posts : 167 Registered: 11/10/08
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 12:07 PM Go to message in response to: NovWedding09

The issue can't just be brushed under the rug with only 4 months left. Your FH and you are going to have to come to terms with this and talk about it, calmly. I personally wouldn't want to have this person stand up as best man either, especially at a wedding where there will be alcohol served. Who knows what he would say during his speech if he has already lashed out at you once after he's had a few. I would hope that he would have more respect for his brother than to do that, but as there has been no apology offered to you, who knows. Do his parents know what happened between the two of you? Otherwise I'm wondering why they would be pushing your FH.

There isn't going to be an easy solution here. Someone's feelings are going to be hurt, be it your FIL's, or your own should your FH back out of your agreement. But this issue needs to be addresses and rapidly. I can understand why you are upset at this, I would be too, but you two need to talk this out. As far as his parents are concerned, he needs to address that issue, if they don't know what went on, maybe it's high time they do.

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , pennsylvania , october_2010
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SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: NovWedding09

This is a tough situation, but I agree with DeLouis, it can't be brushed under the rug.

To me, it sounds like since your FH is avoiding conversations about choosing a best man, that he probably still wants his brother to be his best man. He just doesn't want to push the issue to upset you. I think he needs to sit down with his brother and have a nice long chat. His brother needs to know how you feel, and also how FH feels about his involvment in the wedding. If the brother refuses to apologize/get his act together, then FH might have to pick a new best man. Ultimately, however, it's your FH's day too, and I'm sure he wouldn't want to pick a 2nd-best to be standing beside him on this important day.

 

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

november_2009 , maryland , northern_new_jersey
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: NovWedding09

You're probably not going to like what I have to say.

You have to let this go. Sure, you didn't deserve to be yelled at. Sure, it would be nice of him to apologize. Sure, if you could choose your own family, you probably wouldn't choose him. Regardless of all of this, however, he is your FH's brother. Even if he's not the BM in your wedding, he will still be part of your life as long as you're married to your FH. Like it or not, this man is part of your life. You need to get over your resentment. On top of the stress that this is creating between you and your FH, it's not healthy to hold a grudge this length of time. Let it go.

Aside from that, your FH's side of the WP is HIS decision, not yours. I understand why you feel the way you do - you feel that it would be disrespectful to you for your FH's BM to be someone who treated you this way. Understand, however, that their history goes back far beyond that incident. They're BROTHERS, for Christ's sake! They grew up together. They shared good and bad times. That incident, while a big deal in YOUR relationship with your FBIL, is only one day in several decades's worth of being brothers. It's unfortunate that it happened, but it doesn't define their relationship.

Do you honestly believe that your FH is disrespecting you by continuing to love his brother?

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey
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cldeross Posts : 113 Registered: 6/24/09
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Some times people need to vent and have people in their corner.

I understand what you are going threw right now, since I am having issues with my own FBIL. And as of now he is not even invited to my wedding, but that is another subject. I am going to break tradition, and do something a lot of people will not agree with, and tell you what I think I would want to hear.

Hear it goes:
Screw that Jack ASS. Your FH may have known him his whole life but you have not and since when is it ok to just go off on someone. And since when are you expected to reward that person for it? It is an honor to be the best man and in my opinion he has not earned it! He served you a big plate of sh!t and you took it. F Him that son of a bees wax. Who the hell does he think he is? And screw everyone who agrees with him. Bast-rd!!!! I Give him a BIG middle finger. He is lucky you didn't punch him in the face.... ASS HOLE!!!!

Now with that being said, think about what long term your actions may have. If your FH demands he is in the wedding, just know that ALL OF US HERE will be thinking how Dare he stand there and act a fool! So as you stand there just glance over at him and know that hundreds of women are thinking "Jack Ass". What kind of man treats anyone that way...

If you have to be the bigger person so be it, but I agree with you and support what ever you choose to do.....

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368
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NovWedding09 Posts : 3 Registered: 11/25/07
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 16, 2009 9:33 PM Go to message in response to: cldeross

Thank you for your advice. I just need an outsider's perspective on the situation (granted, not knowing specifics) to know whether I'm being ridiculous or have a valid reason for feeling this way. It's such a sticky awful situation.
It's not as though I said he can have absolutely no part of our wedding. I simply went to my FH with it and said this is what I'm comfortable with and this is what is pushing it for me. I mean he is in the bridal party. I just feel after everything he does not deserve to hold the title of best man.
I just wish my FH would at least talk about it. Avoiding it all together is only making it harder on both of us.

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 10:18 AM Go to message in response to: cldeross

And since when are you expected to reward that person for it? It is an honor to be the best man and in my opinion he has not earned it!

Yes, and if it were the OP's MOH in question, I'd tell her to leave her out of the WP. But this ISN'T the OP's decision. It's her FH's BM and HE gets to make that decision.

Yes, he should stand up for his soon-to-be-wife. Ideally, he would have done so two years ago and that would have been the end of it. If he's already told his brother off for the whole thing, then the issue should have been forgotten a long time ago. If not, then the OP has bigger problems on her hand than who is the BM at her wedding.

Regardless of what happened two years ago, this man is your FH's brother and it sounds like your FH wants him to be BM. Why are you still dragging this business from two years ago into this? I understand that it was disrespectful and an unpleasant scenario, but it happened over two years ago. You can't make your FH disown his brother. It doesn't sound like he wants to, so this man is in your life regardless of how you feel about him. Wouldn't it be better for everyone involved (both now and in the future) if you just let this go and moved on with your life?

Look, you told us that this situation has already resulted in a lot of tension and several fights between you and your FH. He's not going to disown his brother, so you're going to have to be the bigger person and forgive him. Is this REALLY worth fighting with your FH? Is this really worth compromising your future marriage?

Blood is thicker than water. I'm sorry to say it, but that's just the way it is. If you drag this fight out, you're going to lose. He obviously doesn't feel the same way as you - deal with it. You have two choices: 1) Let it go and marry him, or 2) Decide that you don't want to be with a man who disrespects you by continuing a close relationship with a brother who wronged you - in that case, don't marry him. If you continue to make this an issue, it WILL affect your relationship, as it has already started to do.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368
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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 10:38 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I agree with Art. The BM should be your FH's choice not yours. His brother may have his flaws, we all do. But you should let your FH have whoever he wants as his BM and it shouldn't bother you a bit because the wedding is about you and your FH not who the people standing beside you are!!

Hell my MOH is a girl I haven't known long but I trust. My FH's cousin who is totally immature but deep down a good guy is the BM. I have had many issues with my FH's cousin but it's up to my FH who he wants by his side on HIS day too.

You need to step back and see this day isn't all about you. Its for the both of you. You both need to give a little to get a little.

http://www.ezticker.com/ticker/1642/214/20090829/our+wedding/ticker.png

True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368 , august_2009 , west_virginia
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Jade1107 Posts : 205 Registered: 9/1/07
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 25, 2009 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

OP - I completely understand where you're coming from. I had something similar happen to me although I did get a round-about apology if you can call the FBIL going to FH and apologizing to HIM instead of to ME. Rediculous, I know.

So, I don't like FBIL, however, as someone else mentioned, you can't choose your family. Unfortunately, it looks like you may have to take one for the team (aka, your FH) and allow FBIL to be best man - if that's what your FH really wants. Seeing as how he hasn't chosen a BM yet, he likely really does want his brother to stand up for him.

Honestly, when FBIL gets up to say his speech, just smile and nod - you'll know that you did something special for FH even if you can't stand FBIL. In the end, you win. You'll have a new husband and FBIL can go screw himself.

One word of caution - you mentioned FBIL is a drinker. Be sure to have someone watching his actions - there's nothing worse than a crazy drunk guest, even if he is family.

canada , november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368 , august_2009 , west_virginia
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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Jul 25, 2009 5:32 PM Go to message in response to: Jade1107

Wedding aside, the three of you need to sit down and discuss this. You aren't just marrying your FH, you're joining his family and visa versa. Do you want a lifetime of tension? I suggest the three of you sit down face-to-face and calmly discuss what is truly bothering you. Stop the blame game from both sides. Say what is really hurting you and why you feel the way you do. Let him tell his side. You two have to come to some kind of rational terms for any of you to even feel comfortable at all up at the alter! Plus, the wedding is wonderful, but you have a whole lifetime with your FH and his family and you don't want to feel awkward and resentful everytime you have to get together for holidays and family reunions. For the sake of not only your wedding day, but for the rest of your marriage and FH's, you all need to sit down with each other and discuss it like adults. Only then will you all 3 figure out what's the best course of action and path to take from here on out. Best Wishes!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

canada , november_2009 , may_2009 , ohio , northern_new_jersey , april_2011 , las_vegas_3368 , august_2009 , west_virginia
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BlueTiger Posts : 5 Registered: 7/30/09
Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Aug 1, 2009 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: NovWedding09

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have a similar situation. My FH's brother is horrible to not only me but my FH as well. He is expected to be the best man. His family wouldn't let it go so we just agreed to let his brother be in the wedding party along with his sister who is just as bad be a bridesmaid. The way I've delt with it is to just let it go and I'm trying not to focus on it with 3 months till the wedding. I just tell myself that it's our day and try to make the best of a bad situation. I know it's hard. His brother is about as bad as it gets, he basically runs the whole family and everything is always about him. The only part of the wedding my FH's family talks about and focuses on is his brother being in the wedding along with his sister. How they will get there, where will they change (because they don't like what we've already arranged for them), what special things and perks do they get, the list goes on. They think they should get more than we should, that we should sacrifice things for us and our other guests so they can be spoiled. Plus they both haven't done anything to help with the wedding neither has my FH's parents. They haven't done or paid for anything. If the wedding ever gets brought up, which is rare, the conversation is changed to something about his brother.
I'm sorry I can't give you much advice, just know that you're not the only one. I hope your wedding is wonderful and you can stay focused on the two of you enjoying your special day with the ppl that care about you both. I wish you the best of luck.

november_2009 , northern_new_jersey , southern_california
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Re: I need advice...Please help
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 1:20 AM Go to message in response to: NovWedding09

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Re: I need advice...Please help
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Re: I need advice...Please help
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Re: I need advice...Please help
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