Starting to Question Future w/ BF

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WishOnAStar Posts : 1 Registered: 1/10/10
Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Jan 10, 2010 6:10 PM

Hey everyone!

I have a long story, but I am going to try and make it sweet, short and to the point. I have been with my BF for 2 years now, and we have known each other for 13 years (we meet in college). Anyways, I truly honestly love him, and so want to spend my life with him, but I am starting to question our future. Back in August 2008, was the first time he told me he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me...can you imagine how my heart raced. Now being a person big on NOT jumping the gun, I agreed and said I wanted to spend forever with him. So, I let it go. From there BF kept talking about marriage and family and so forth - on his accord, I didnt want to see desperate so I let him talk about and yes I chimed in when he brought it up. New Years Eve 2008/2009 he told me when I was ready he wanted to take me to look at engagement rings. I didnt say to much because I consider myself traditional. Our 2 year anniversary came and went (I should say that my BF isnt very original or thoughtful when it comes to gifts and stuff...just isnt and we will admit it). Our anniversary turn out to be upsetting to me because I got a small bottle of body spray with the price tag still on it with a 50% tag on it and a card. I got him this nice moneyclip with his initials engraved on it. Ok....back to topic, finally in March 2009 we were at the mall and he asked me to go looking. So feeling good and excited, I said sure - we went and spent about 90 minutes there....you can imagine how exciting that is.

Well as time went on of course I kept thinking oh he is going to ask here or no this is a better time. Nothing ever came of it. We ended up getting into a lot of disagreements, and sadly I have been putting a protective sheild back up cause I dont want to get hurt. He says weve been disagree alot, and I would say back so your basing my future wiht you on a few disagreements...he said well this isnt right....but He tells me time and again yes he wants to marry me...but when I look at him, I see no motivating, no urgencey, no excitment to marry me....It is like he isnt in any rush...

I know there isnt a lot of detail cause I could be writing for a while....but the jist is I think he is just telling me what he knows I want to hear.....and its sad, because if he dont want to get married or are not ready to let me know. It may sound harsh but I dont want to waste my time with someone who is unsure or is just waiting around to get engaged. It isnt about money either....he could buy me a ring now...

But I feel just so helpless and at the mercy of someone who will do it when and if he is ready.....I am starting to remove myself from the relationship and I dont want to, but I feel like it isnt going anywhere. I just cant stand the thought of me sitting around and waiting on him when he is constantly telling me he wants to marry me....

HELP!

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Jan 10, 2010 6:44 PM Go to message in response to: WishOnAStar

There are many options about why he is holding off proposing but not becuase he doesn't want to marry you.

1. You are putting a shield up--he is probably noticing and in turn may be putting a shield up to.

2. He is always the one to iniate the conversation re: marraige. I understand not wanting to seem desperate but since you guys have looked at rings and he brings it up--maybe he wants you to bring it up sometimes. It would just be like if you were always the one that had to "I love you" and he always just said "I love you too." Wouldn't you want to hear it from him sometimes?

3. You guys are getting in some disagreements. Maybe he doesn't want to propose while you guys are having this disagreement patch. You guys should work on your communication and try to settle the disagreements with solutions that suit the two of you. If you can't create solutions for the disagreements--then you have other issues. Try to get out of this rough patch.

4. Maybe he simply just wants it to be surprising. You said he is fairly traditional and a traditional thing about proposals is that it's surprising and romantic. Maybe he is just trying to throw you off course. He may want to blow your mind when he proposes.

I'm not saying that it's definitely one of these options--it could be any number of these options and it could be more negative situations that are completely different. Just don't view this time as the end of the world. It doesn't sound like you are questioning a future with your BF, it sounds like you are questionning if your BF is questionning a future with you.

Just be communicative, be reasonable and maybe let your guard down a little. You may end up getting hurt--but I find that putting a shield on can get you even more hurt. In a past relationship that meant a lot to me I put on a very strong front and what seemed as a lack of love and appreciate for our relationship ended up destroying it. I don't want that to happen to you.

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Jan 10, 2010 7:19 PM Go to message in response to: WishOnAStar

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through this. My first thought is it is time to have a sit down, heart of heart talk with your BF. You need to let him know how you are feeling, and you need to be honest with him. It almost sounds like you have just been going along with everything he says when he says it... and I wonder why that is...? But it doesn't matter, because now is the time you sit him down and say, "We have been dating for two years, and you have brought up engagment and marriage several times. We went to look at rings and I was really excited. So I am just wondering what you thoughts are and I would really like us to talk about our future together." You need to get a reading on where he is in this relationship mentally. This kind of communication is critical if you are going to spend the rest of your life together.

I know a lot of guys aren't big on giving gifts, and that is okay I guess if they make up for it in other ways or if it doesn't bother you. The thing is, my guy isn't that big on giving gifts but he makes an effort because he knows it is important to me. It bothers me just a wee bit that your BF gave you such a lame gift on your anniversary. I know there are a lot of men out there like that, but I think it is perfectly fair for you to say, "I put a lot of thought in the gift I gave you and it hurt my feelings to get this gift with the price tag marked 50% off. Ouch."

Whatever happens, I just encourage you to let your true feelings be known and find out what his true feelings are. Then you will have more of an idea of what to do. And never settle for less girlfriend. Good luck and God Bless.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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Kimberly212 Posts : 972 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Sep 19, 2012 8:52 PM Go to message in response to: WishOnAStar

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Dec 5, 2012 7:48 AM Go to message in response to: WishOnAStar

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kalama Posts : 299 Registered: 7/26/12
Re: Starting to Question Future w/ BF
Posted: Dec 6, 2012 9:19 PM Go to message in response to: WishOnAStar

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