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need some help with this one please.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 25, 2009 6:34 PM Go to message in response to: Bally

Dear Bally,

"AOTB, your husband's dealbreaker is an income earner wife? As in he doesn't want his wife to work for an income? "

No, my husband wanted to be in a two-income marriage.

Let's all remember that what one person might consider a deal-breaker would be no big deal to another. One guy says "I can only marry someone of my religious faith." The next says "I can only marry a vegetarian." Yet another says "I can only marry someone who loves dogs."

What ever.

In my husband's case, he grew up in a working class family of four kids, with a stay-at-home mom. This was the 1950s, after all. Most moms in those days stayed home with the kids.

Money was always tight in his family. His parents had little left over after paying the basic bills for six people on one construction worker income. He ended up putting himself through college (Ph D) with no help from his parents.

When he was in high school, he saw the same scenario over and over. Guy dates girl. They have sex, surprise!, a baby is conceived. Guy drops out of high school and gets a job. They get married. Girl stays at home with baby, guy is trapped forever in low-income low-education job to support wife and eventually multiple babies.

My husband vehemently did not want this for himself. In his mind, a girlfriend who said "Oh, gee, I can't wait until I get married, have a baby and can quit my job" was pure poison. That would be their last date, ever, if she said something like that.

Pure poison for him, only. She might be the Dream Wife for some other guy, but this issue was my husband's personal deal-breaker.

When we met and became friends, we learned we had this in common. My husband and I both believe that a marriage is more financially secure with two wage earners. That's the way we live and it's worked out for us and for our children.

Other people see it differently. Other people like the idea of one parent, usually the mom, home with the kids. That's fine. That's their business how they arrange their lives. Their choice. People who think that way ought to marry each other.

PS: We also firmly believed in having only one child. We were in total agreement on that issue, as well. Our plan was to have one kid, then stop. That way we would minimize child care issues, expenses, etc., and be able to set appropriate boundaries and rules to best suit that one kid. Everything was great until our twin sons were born. C'est la vie.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 28, 2009 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt, that would also be a dealbreaker for me. The opposite of that, I guess. I broke up with the guy I dated before DH because he said something about me staying home with our kids someday. Sorry, but I don't want to, so that relationship would never have worked out. How ironic about the kids - my friend with 20-year old twins said the same thing before she had them.

And on the 'all man like porn' thing, DH doesn't. I wouldn't mind if he did (unless it was a constant thing or put viruses on my computer), but he has no interest in it whatsoever.

To the OP: I wouldn't be upset about porn in general, but I'd also be uncomfortable if DH was signing up for fling.com or local dating sites. Even if I trusted him completely not to cheat, that's just plain creepy. I don't look at porn, but if I did, I'd be TOTALLY weirded out if the guy I was looking at last night just happened to walk into my local Starbucks or down my aisle at the grocery store. Yeah, I think it's pretty creepy, and I wouldn't be comfortable with it if it were my husband, either.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 28, 2009 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Yeah, Artbride, I don't think this is really a porn issue either (that seems to be what you're saying). He's basically on a "let's have sex with each other" website. Totally inappropriate unless you are single.

Porn, whatever. I don't think my husband watches it, but I wouldn't care UNLESS he was ignoring me to do so. I think that's when porn becomes a big problem.
Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 29, 2009 12:50 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think porn would be easier to deal with rather than a "screw on the side" website. Any one who's looking at that is disobeying my relationship rule.

Stay away from even the very appearance of evil.

I don't hang out with men DH doesn't know about. He lets me know if any of his employees make an inappropriate pass at him. We open and honest. Honesty is key.

wedding ticker

10/3/09 5K for heart and stroke disease    2/21/10 half marathon for breast cancer 

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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Sep 27, 2012 11:02 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

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mia04 Posts : 1 Registered: 10/1/12
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Oct 1, 2012 7:55 AM Go to message in response to: His4life

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ares Posts : 1,229 Registered: 7/23/12
Re: need some help with this one please.
Posted: Oct 16, 2012 11:17 PM Go to message in response to: LoverForever

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ares Posts : 1,229 Registered: 7/23/12
Re: need some help with this one please.
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