Rant about children and The One...

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

Life is supposed to be FUN, not a battle to stick to some pre-determined timeline.

Not only are you taking all the fun out of the next few years of your life, but you're REALLY over-thinking this. Life doesn't always work out the way we think it will, so we need to be flexible. Who knows? You might get engaged tomorrow and then you'll be closer to the 'ideal timeline' than you think you will. Or you might get engaged a year from now and decide that your desire to be married is more important than your desire for an April wedding, so you might have a shorter engagement than you planned. Or you might get married and decide that your desire to have a family is more overpowering than your desire to spend a few years without kids (you get 9 months even if you get pregnant immediately, after all...)

My point is that YOU are the one who is hemming yourself into these tight corners. YOU are the one saying that you need an engagement of X length before you can get married, that you need to be married for X amount of time before having kids, and that you need to have kids before X age because of the medical risks that run in your family (by the way, have you even been tested or shown any symptoms of this problem affecting you in the future?) If you find out that you will definitely be affected by the medical issues, then you can worry about the rest of this and perhaps change your plan. Or you can take a gamble that you will NOT be affected by these medical issues and live according to your timeline. Those are your choices.

The bottom line: You're borrowing trouble. There's enough in life to worry about without borrowing trouble, so quit worrying about the possibilities and focus on what you CAN control. You can choose to get married earlier than you otherwise might, you can choose to have children earlier in your marriage than you would in an ideal world, or you can choose to follow your timeline and hope for the best when you're ready for kids. Very few people get to follow their 'ideal life timeline'. Life has a way of throwing us curveballs - put on your big girl panties and deal with them! :)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 4:45 PM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

I just want to say: Tanis, you are cool.

OP, ArtBride touched on something you might want to look into now just so you're prepared later. You don't say exactly what your family health issues are but it might be possible to do genetic testing on you as an individual to see whether you have those issues as well. Just a thought. Your gynecologist or maybe even family physician could refer you to someone.

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Edited by: HappyGirl13 on Dec 22, 2009 1:46 PM

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

Wishing- I have to admit that I am a person who's had a "timeline" for a LONG time as well. I wanted to have my kids in my mid-twenties, well before 30. I have no idea why, and it was difficult for me to come up with a logical reason. Just that number stuck in my head and I couldn't get it out. Maybe it was because ALL of my friends were married and having children right then too, and I wanted to keep up? Maybe because I wanted to be a younger mother? Didn't want the added risks of being an older mother? Maybe because my mother had my brother and I in her twenties and I liked her timeline... who knows?

DH and I have had ENDLESS conversations about this, before engagement, during and even now. We want time to ourselves during marriage as well. Establish ourselves, have steady jobs, do some traveling, etc.... I'm 26 now. Yes, very likely I will have a baby by 30, but that's not the point now.

DH and I talked so many times and he helped me realize NOT to put things on a TIMELINE. Because if they don't happen in your timeline, you're dissapointed. So automatically you are setting yourself up for disspointment, because it is SOO hard to make everything fall into place within the timeline.

I know you are concerned about fertility, I am as well. I've been on the pill for over 10 years because my body can't produce a period or regulate it. So I worry we'll have a lot of trouble getting pregnant as well. Again, shoves that timeline further, streches it.... so that's when we start to get worried and upset right? But, yes this will sound cliche'- things will happen when they are supposed to happen. Easier said than done right?

Here's what you need to do:
-Take a DEEP breath
-Get rid of the timeline
-Go to your gyno- get some testing done if you're worried about fertility, write down all your concerns and questions and take them with you to talk to her/him about
-Relax and ENJOY where you're at. In 10 years you'll regret you didn't enjoy your younger years and instead only worried about what MIGHT or MIGHT NOT happen. Dr Phil always says- "Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but you don't get anywhere"
-I can't remember if you said you have a BF now or not, if so, enjoy your time with him. If and when you two are supposed to be married, you will, the same with family.
-Do your research and be pro-active. Maybe talk to a professional about your situation, it can help just to TALK about it and get it all out. You'll be surprised at the answers you can come with just by getting it out of your head!

Either way, really try to get rid of the Timeline, it'll drive you nuts. Trust me, I know. I'm finally able to let it go. Some days I worry about it, but really, there's no point. I'm happy with my DH and when we get to the point we're ready for children, we'll cross any hurdles THEN. No point in wasting all your time NOW worrying about something that may happen LATER.

Best of luck!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Thanks HappyGirl! I am feeling kind of cool, but not as cool as Victor Frankl.

To the OP, I would like to add that if you do reach an age where you find out you cannot have your own biological children then you have every right to be upset about that and to mourn that loss. The issue right now is that potentially that could be 15 years from now! Do you really want to spend all that time worrying and fretting about it?

For the record I am 40 and I didn't get married until I was 38. Now of course this does add the "babies or no babies and if so it had better be pronto situation" into our marriage, but I would much rather have that dilmemna than to have married the wrong man or to have spent the last 12 years of my life unhappy. Do I wish I had met my husband earlier? Absolutely! Did I make the most of time before I met him? You betcha. Am I going to try and be happy regardless of the outcome of the babies or no babies question? Yes I am because that is what I have decided to do.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 22, 2009 6:57 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

Dear Wishing:

Having a goal in life is one thing. Having a required timeline for things that are completely out of your control? That's another.

Within your control: I want to have a college degree by the age of 22.

Not within your control: I want to be married by the time I am 25.

Why is one within your control and the other not? One is something that you can accomplish on your own. You can make getting a degree a priority, stick with it, and pursue it all on your own.

But what if you don't meet Mr. Right until you're 28? Are you supposed to marry Mr. He'll Do Because I Am On A Timeline Here?

It is perfectly reasonable to have a goal of having a fulfilling marriage and being a mother. It is not reasonable to say "By the time I'm 30". Sure, that goal might have been reasonable when you were 12 and didn't really understand how life worked. But you're 28. So you can see your timeline isn't feasible any more. The question is: what are you going to do? Moan about how you're running late on the MommyTrak.... or evaluate where you are in life and adjust your clock accordingly?

Misty

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Beeble Posts : 306 Registered: 11/19/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

.wishinghopingpraying.

You sound just like me! Check your PM's for my message. Or search for my other very similar posts.

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MissApril Posts : 276 Registered: 1/21/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 23, 2009 8:57 PM Go to message in response to: Beeble

OP--

My uncle once told me
"Want to make God laugh? Make a plan."

I also have fertility issues. Already been confirmed I can't get pregnant. Am I upset? Yeah. But SO and I still have a number of options when we feel we are ready for kids.

And I had a timeline once. But after severe brain trauma after a car accident, things HAD to change. Espically that damn timeline. Life happens. Make a new plan. Set new goals. Give yourself something positive and exciting to look forward to.
Life happens! I'm no longer WaitingForApril2010

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1stKiss4Him Posts : 32 Registered: 8/26/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 24, 2009 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

Wishing : I was exactly the same way. I thought just like you. I wanted to be 23 when I got married.. then bumped it up to 25 and so on when it didn't happen. Now I am 30 and i found the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I actually met him when I was 20..so it took me 10 years to find him again. I can honestly say at 20 if I were to have married him it wouldn't have worked. Now we are older both 30 and established, he can support me and our future family and is in a position to get married. I wouldn't trade how we met for the world, it's a unique story and one to tell our future children! Just be patient and it's will all come together. Blessings.

Future Mrs K.

 Part of a poem I wrote called Eternity

When separation deprivation sinks in
When the route to happiness is an eternity away
I dream of you and eternity is within my reach
Not knowing where you be next
Praying that God knows best
Whispering "I love you" to the sky
Hoping you’ll hear these words and know why
I'm part a part of you, always and for all time
Search your heart like I do when I'm away from you
My breath coincides with the rhythm of yours
So breathe and let my image fade within your heart
And for eternity where ever we go
We'll never be alone

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:16 AM Go to message in response to: Agape14

You are so very right about that. Life does have a way of working out, not necessarily the way we thought it would but the way it is meant to be.

If someone would have told me five years ago that I would be divorced, moved to a different state, remarried, and with three stepdaughters I would have told them they were freakin nuts! But here I am. This is the way life is. Life is something that happens to us while we are busy making other plans! (not sure who said that)

I am discovering in my 42 years on this earth is that the more we try to control things the more things get screwed up. Sometimes you just have to put things in the hands of God. It's not that we can't plan for the future, but we have to understand that often things don't work out the way we planned. :)

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

http://bridewhisperer.blogspot.com  

 

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yaktrekker Posts : 9 Registered: 8/28/08
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 11:39 AM Go to message in response to: TanisJ

Tanis, you are indeed pretty cool and I appreciate your words so much! And to the OP and everyone, this is striking a serious chord with me today.

I have been in a timeline rut for most of my life. It ruined my first engagement and it almost destroyed my current relationship. I wanted to be married by 25 and be a mommy by 27 and so on...but now I'm 26 and I've been with my SO for almost 3 years, with no ring in sight. But the good news is, he finally helped me understand last night what exactly my "timeline thinking" has done to all of our little monumental moments and that if I continue down this road, it will suck the joy right out of every significant moment in my life because I'll always be comparing it to what "should have happened" or tossing them aside for "what's supposed to come next".

He had noticed that I was in a bit of a funk when I got home yesterday and asked what was wrong. I told him that I was in a phase of reconciling all of the dreams I'd had for my life with what was actually unfolding. It isn't that I don't love him or don't want to be with him, it's just that everything looks SO different than how I had always pictured my life going. Which is when he pointed out that there were so many times when he had been wonderfully happy and in love with me and feeling romantic (i.e.when I moved in with him a year ago) and that I had pretty much squashed those good feelings by pushing ahead towards the next thing, towards THE RING. He said it was so disappointing because here he was, trying to savor the moment that was currently happening, and I was moping around because it still wasn't good enough for me.

I was really sad that I had done that to him, and to myself. It made me realize how much he really does love me and how much his promise and commitment to our lives together as a couple really is meaningful, with or without a ring on my finger right this second. He said that this is one of the best times in our lives and that we need to cherish the time we have without children and without financial burdens to weigh us down. This is the time for me to get everything in order in my own life and to let him reconcile all the things he thought would happen in HIS life. And eventually, his promise will be fulfilled and we will reach all these other milestones together. But for today, I think I'm content for the first time in about 20 years. Merry Christmas.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: yaktrekker

yaktrekker - You are very fortunate to have learned this NOW. Sounds like you have a great guy. Good luck.

 

 

 

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FoundTrueLove Posts : 54 Registered: 8/18/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 25, 2009 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

OP, i'm a timeline person as well. i have a tendency to want things to work out in a certain way and in a certain time frame. but over the years i've realized that things just have a way of never working out according to plan. i'd hate for you to set yourself up for one timeline, have it fail, and then have you be overwhelmingly miserable. i just recently got engaged, and while when i was younger, i wanted to have kids mid-20s, now that i'm on the verge of graduate school i've realize that trying to do that would be impossible. i now know that i want to wait until after grad school to have children (which means the first one most likely won't appear until i'm around 30 and i'm planning on more than 1).

so basically, i think i'm just echoing what some others have said, that you really should consider relaxing the timeline for the sake of your mental health. but i do want you to know that there are others of us out there that are prone to wanting timelines for our lives. the key is to figure out what you can plan and control and to just force yourself to let the other stuff go. good luck!!

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NoseInTheGrass Posts : 31 Registered: 11/1/09
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Dec 26, 2009 7:49 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

I can definitely see where you are coming from, wishing. I am 25 and also have the hope of getting pregnant before I'm 30. Miscarriages and Downs Syndrome run in my family and I would like to avoid thesethings if possible. Plus, I have an older father who is getting to the age where its a real concern if he's asleep in a chair (is he dfead? Oh good, just sleeping.) and I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. I also hope to be married a year or two before TTC.

All that said, try and be positive. Things might not work out exactly the way you hoped, but they'll work out eventually. You may end up having to sacrifice one or two things, but that's what family is about. Good luck with everything!
Wedding Countdown Ticker

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wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Sep 27, 2012 8:46 PM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

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kalama Posts : 299 Registered: 7/26/12
Re: Rant about children and The One...
Posted: Oct 8, 2012 1:40 AM Go to message in response to: wishinghopingpr...

Sometimes we can not have our life with a plan,because life changes every seconds.You should tell your boyfriend about your expectation about the babies,I think if he love you much,he will also want a baby with you~~If he can not give you some promises and actions,I think it is the time for you to leave him!Wish you can make your dream come true!

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