So I have four bridesmaids (my sister and three close friends) I'm getting married in September. For a little background, these past couple of months have been pretty tough for me. I had a best friend (a guy) who has refused to even speak to me since he found out my bf of over five years was planning to propose. I never really got closure from it, we went from speaking everyday since we were 13 to not even talking. Enter bridesmaids. My BFF from high school is my MOH and she was close to joe as well until he stopped speaking to her out of nowhere too. Another girl in my bridal party is mutual friends with Joe as well, and the second he stopped speaking to me they got super close and then I started hearing rumors about myself that all seemed to stem from my BM and Joe. This has been incredibly hurtful, and I keep trying to move past it all, but now my BM and I haven't spoken in months outside of work, and she's the only one who knows nothing about the wedding. She hasnt asked anything, she hasn't seen my dress, she doesnt know about flowers, or the photographer or the dj....all of my other girls have been wonderful and call me or email me at least once a week to see if they can help with anything or let me know about a cute idea they stumbled across or just to check in and see how I am, and I really appreciate that. We've all gotten much closer, but I don't want to chase down a rogue BM...kicking her out is not an option 1. She bought her dress 2. It would just be rude I'd be so upset if someone did that to me and 3. Her fiancÚ is a groomsmen. 4. Seriously, that's just so rude!! But I'm also afraid she will make things uncomfortable and awkward on my day, and I don't want to look back at bridal party pics and be sad and bitter about her....
Am I being stupid and too sensitive? Has anyone had a situation like this or any suggestions on how to handle it????
Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding. It seems there are several problems you are dealing with. The first is the friend to whom you have stopped speaking to. As it is a guy friend, I'm willing to bet that in the back of his mind, he was always hoping you'd break up with the boy friend/fiance and he could move in. Now that you are planning a wedding, reality has set in and he realizes he will not have that opportunity. If it is not too late, you need to speak with him about how you value him as a friend and miss speaking to him.
Now the bridesmaid problem is also something you've got to deal with. Earlier today, I was at a bridal show with many brides planning 2013 weddings. As always, I'm amazed they show up with a full retinue of bridesmaids for a wedding more than a year away. As we've told countless brides on this forum, so much can happen in a year. Bridesmaids should not be asked until closer to the wedding (early enough for them to get the dress with a month to spare).
But now you've got to deal with an unpleasant situation. You have two alternatives. The first is to keep your mouth shut. If you do that, talk to your photographer and make sure that girl is in a spot where the photographer can easily photoshop her out of all the photos (at your expense). Don't laugh, that request has come through.
The other alternative is to speak to the bridesmaid. Perhaps she no longer wants to be in the wedding party but does not know how to approach the subject with you. A frank discussion might solve your problem. It might also reveal her personal style is to sit back and wait for you to ask for help rather than the approach of the other gals to ask you if you need help. It could very well be a difference in culture or expectations. You will never know unless you speak to the lady. Now if you do decide you don't want her in the bridal party you can always pay for her dress. It might be a small price to pay for peace of mind.
Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer
I can appreciate your problems. However, one thing to remember is that bridesmaids are not your servants and they do have a life. Most of the bridesmaids I have known (I am a wedding planner) who are not close family members don't call every week or feel the need to know every detail. They assume that you have everything under control unless you specifically tell them otherwise. If it were me, I would check in with her from time to time and let her know the things that involve her. She could probably care less who you chose as photographer or DJ unless she is also planning her wedding in the near future and may be interested in the same merchants.
There is also the possibility that she can't afford the same type of wedding you are planning and she may feel a bit cheated if she sees all the things she can't have. She will see them on the wedding day of course, but it may make her uncomfortable in the months leading up to the wedding.
You might take her out for coffee just to visit and catch up. Be sure to talk about her life and her future wedding plans, not just about your wedding. You may be surprised at what you learn when she opens up.
Thanks for all your input. I appreciate it, a lot!
First of all, let me just say I am fully aware that bridesmaids have their own life and I do not expect them to soak up the wedding. I myself am super busy with a billion other things, and I get sick of talking about the wedding just because its all anyone wants to know and I'm really laid back when it comes to planning things haha, but I am a wedding photographer, and so is the bridesmaid I've been having issues with, we work together a lot, and she's always talked wedding stuff with me even before either of us got engaged. So for her all of the sudden to not be interested just seems out of character for her. (And it's not a money issue either, because her fiance can afford a lot more than we can which is totally fine, but I don't see that being the issue).
I have brought it up a couple of times, not in a "you need to help more with the wedding" type of thing, but I've approached it in a way that tells her I miss our friendship. Every time I end up getting a response that is like "I'm really sorry, I'm just going through a lot and I tend to withdraw from people when that happens and I don't know until it's too late and the damage has been done" which is kind of upsetting because I really am trying to reach out before it's too late and all the damage has been done. I guess I just don't know how to connect with her after all this awkward stuff that has gone on between her, Joe, and I and I'm sure it's not easy for her to be friends with both of us...it's just a tough situation. Maybe I'm putting up too many walls too now. I don't know. I just don't want her to feel like she shouldn't be in the wedding, or to feel like she doesn't want to, or that she has to be either...
As for Joe, we haven't spoken in probably over six months at this point, I did reach out to him, and I know there were times throughout our friendship that he tried to pursue something (before my fiance came into the picture) so that's a very real possibility, but we've just grown apart. It's sad, I really do wish it didn't end the way it did, but I also said everything and did everything I possibly could, you can't force someone to be in your life. Maybe I'm dragging that over into my friendship with my BM, I just don't know how to talk to her again without it seeming repetitive and I don't want to beat a dead horse. I feel like I left the ball in her court, and she insists that shes excited to be in the wedding and really wants to be...I guess it's just going to take time to reconnect?
I don't even know if this makes sense haha, I tend to think faster than I can type, so I apologize if these thoughts are scattered. I just thought I would see what some people had to say. Thanks so much for your input guys
"I'm really sorry, I'm just going through a lot and I tend to withdraw from people when that happens and I don't know until it's too late and the damage has been done"
You've made an effort. She knows you are concerned. It might be she does not want to burden you with her troubles while you are planning your wedding. Just be there for her, let her know that and let her know that you appreciate her just being there at the wedding. When her troubles are past, your relationship might be able to resume.
Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer