I have 2 MOHs. One I have known for 20 years and we're great friends, but she lives out of state and won't be around for a lot of the planning. The other I have known for a few years and we (I thought) were always good friends. She is local, so I figured she could be the one helping me with the planning stuff and the out-of-state one would be helping me with more day-of-wedding stuff. When I asked my local MOH, she was super excited, practically started planning my bachelorette party. A couple months after I got engaged, she got engaged too! I'm very happy for her, but she booked her wedding for 4 months after mine. Ever since, she's been hard to get a hold of and doesn't seem to be as excited about helping for my wedding. I completely understand, she's planning her own wedding now. But I still need her. Also, I don't think she is going to ask me to be in her bridal party. She has a sister and her fiance has 2 sisters and I know they will be standing up.... I just can't help feeling that I'm being slighted... I feel kind of stupid having her as a MOH if I won't even be considered for her bridal party... I feel like I'm more invested in the friendship than she is. Am I overreacting??? If she doesn't get any more helpful, is there a way to "demote" her?
First of all, the only real "duty" of a bridesmaid, including a MOH, is to show up on W-day properly dressed and smile for photographs.
You are giving one MOH a pass on planning because she lives far away. You need to give the other MOH a pass because she is now busy with events in her own life. Do your own planning and have a glorious day.
As for not being asked to be in her wedding party, just let that one go. Suck it up.
Some ladies have no sisters and no future SILs. Others have lots of sisters and future SILs. A bride without a sister or future SIL pretty much has to ask friends to be in her wedding party. What if one of those friends is part of a large sister-filled family? When it's time for the friend to get married, naturally she will have to ask her sisters first. That is no slight to the newlywed friend. That's just the way life goes.
I suggest you totally forget about that. You are looking for an insult where none exists.
The thing is, she wasn't engaged when I asked her to be MOH and she knew what she was agreeing to up front. She CHOSE to book her wedding shortly after mine, so she should understand that she's still expected to uphold her end of the deal.
I'm sorry to break this to you, but you are out of line. You cannot expect people to plan their life events around yours.
What if she got pregnant and was due close to your W-Day? What if a family member became ill or injured and she had to devote a lot of time to that person. What if she got a big job promotion and needed to put in more time at work? What if she got a desired internship and wanted to devote time to that? What if she moved out of town?
Your friend's situation has changed. You need to appear to be happy for her and adjust your own plans accordingly.
I don't blame you for being upset. That's totally OK. But you need to keep your anger in your Private Thoughts. Your Public Expression should be that of someone happy for her friend and capable of planning her own wedding without relying on the friend.
Just a little thought to add to Aunt's excellent reply. Once a year, the Jewish people observe Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement where they ask G-d to forgive them for their sins. However, the night before, they ask G-d to release them from any promises they've made which they've made a good faith effort to fulfill and yet through circumstances beyond their control they were not able to keep.
If G-d can release people from their promises after they make a good faith effort and circumstances change, then surely you can do the same.
Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer