Sister-in-law issues.

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maimerd Posts : 6 Registered: 12/5/11
Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Dec 16, 2011 5:43 PM

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married on June 5th 2013 and he's doing a custom design process for my ring. I've told him what I like and what I don't like and what I want, and I'm pretty sure he's going to do what I like.
My main problem is with his sister. She's a couple days younger than me and he's about 2 years younger than me. She has this thing about being the older sister. She's very controlling and tries to tell him what he should and shouldn't do in our relationship. She's been acting a lot like the girlfriend in the relationship and ordering him to do things that are absolutely 100% not her decision at all. She wants to be a wedding planner, but I highly doubt that will ever happen, she's a very opinionated person and always has to get her way, no matter the situation. She says things in very condescending ways and she's very rude and hurtful in what she says. She doesn't try to be, but me being a very sensitive person, I become extremely offended by her. She's already telling us what we're "allowed" to do in OUR wedding. I'm becoming more and more frustrated with her by the minute. I've told my boyfriend that even though he would consider it a nice thing to have her be our wedding planner I've told him I don't want her to have anything to do with any wedding planning at all. She's going to possibly be asked to be one of my bridesmaids because I think it will be the respectable thing to do, but I don't want her planning anything. I don't even want her there when I try on dresses anymore because I don't trust her to not try to sabotage what I want my dress to be. She's trying to get a job where I found my perfect dress but haven't gone to try it on yet, and she's made me feel so anxious and has made me have a feeling of dread of going to this store because I know she'll try to "steal the show" and control everything.
Do I have a right in feeling this way? Should I talk in more depth to my boyfriend about this huge issue I have with his sister? He uses the excuse that that's just how she is, but I can't help but strongly dislike her most times.

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happychloe Posts : 21 Registered: 8/11/11
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Dec 19, 2011 3:26 AM Go to message in response to: maimerd

I am sorry to hear that you have such a sister-in-law. Oppositely, my sister-in-law is very nice, she will ask our own opinions when she want to do anything about our wedding.
I think you need more communication with your sister and let her know that it is your wedding but not hers~

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Dec 19, 2011 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: maimerd

Dear Mai,

It's up to your boyfriend to decide between his sister and future wife.

If he can't stand up to his sister, then consider this a preview of what your future life will be like and ask yourself if you really want to live that way.

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MeetMissBliss Posts : 1 Registered: 9/11/11
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Dec 19, 2011 1:16 PM Go to message in response to: maimerd

Perhaps you can include your future Sister-in-Law by asking her to handle tasks that you might not enjoy and those which might keep her (very) busy. I'm not sure if this will work for your personal situation, but you could ask her to arrange taste testings for wedding cake, for instance. You can give her a list of 10 bakers in your area, ask her to call each of them, get prices for at least 3 different styles of cake/icing/decoration, etc., and present the findings to you in a detailed report. You and your future Husband likely already know what kind of cake you will want to serve, but she doesn't need to know that! Trust me, I am a wedding planner and calling 10 bakers and getting prices for at least 3 different styles of wedding cake takes a lot of time and energy. She'll likely be exhausted by that process alone and may actually stop trying to be so "helpful". It's a bit diabolical, but not really mean-spirited. You are including her, just in a way that makes YOU comfortable, and there's nothing wrong with that! If your wedding cake is something over which you want to have total and complete control, then pick something else - photographers, videographers, stationers, calligraphers, tiaras, ribbon, chair decorations, ceremony transportation, hotels for out-of-town guests, activities to arrange for out-of-town guests, helping out of towners with their travel arrangements, working out directions, drawing maps...the list can be practically endless. No one should be making the dress decision but you. Weddings are gorgeous, but a lot of the details are incredibly mundane. Unless you're planning your own wedding, it can be very tedious (and stressful). Maybe your Sister-in-Law will even end up finding out some helpful information for you!! Best of luck in your planning, your wedding and your future. -Tara Michaels, Consultant/Owner, Miss Bliss...Relax and Get Married

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Dec 19, 2011 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: maimerd

There is no law stating that the grooms sister needs to be included in the planning, and if I were you I would not allow her to participate in it at all. If you want to ask her to be a bridesmaid there's nothing wrong with that, and you still don't need to include her (even though a lot of people believe differently, bm's are just there to support you on your big day, not pick out flowers and to cake tastings with you). Don't bring up wedding planning when you are with her. If she brings it up, don't go into any details what-so-ever, and if she tries to suggest something just tell her "Thanks, but we already have that covered" and change the subject. Sooner or later, she should get the hint that she is not being included.

Also, your FH is going to have to have your back on this, so you need to let him know how you feel, and where he stands with this. Use your engagement time as a test period, does he still value her over you? If you see no change, then you need to make a decision as to if this is how you want your life to be like.

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maimerd Posts : 6 Registered: 12/5/11
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Jan 10, 2012 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: MeetMissBliss

Thank you MeetMissBliss! I'll definitely take that into consideration. I'm already planning things for her to do that will keep her busy. I'm just worried she might changed what I want on me. I've told my fiance that if that happens I will have no problem in creating a huge show down with her since I feel so controlled by her also, he has agreed that he will have a huge issue with her if she does this. I've already shown her and my future mother in law the wedding binder I have created with my maid of honor and they have like it, so I'm hoping no other issues come up.

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maimerd Posts : 6 Registered: 12/5/11
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Jan 10, 2012 10:28 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

Thank you FutureMrsDJLeo! She has already been asked to be a bridesmaid and she's very excited. I'm just hoping she doesn't feel that she's "entitled" to wedding planning. Her and my FMIL are already saying "we can use this person and have this person do this and that." It's very stressful on me since my fiance, my mother, my MOH and I are planning the wedding, as my fiance and I have agreed. Really he says he & I are planning the wedding and everyone else has an opinion. I just have to keep that in mind.
My fiance is starting to turn around and have my back in this. He's told her that she can't plan the wedding and she created this huge drama. I'm hoping she's over it now. I'll use the "we have that covered" as we do, I have planned out literally everything, as I'm a Visual Fine Arts degree holder, so I tend to plan out everything in my head and it sticks there.

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diya Posts : 2 Registered: 3/25/12
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 25, 2012 10:45 PM Go to message in response to: maimerd

Hello there

I'm new to this site and am uncertain how start a new thread or post something.

I'm sorry to hear about your problem with your SIL, but mine isn't any nicer.

I am so sorry to cut in your thread and do this, I have such a huge issue to deal with, I hope someone can give me some advice, I am close to having a nervous breakdown, literally.

Ok so my problem is my husbands elser brother and his wife. I am married and have been married for 8 years and two young children. I love my husband dearly and I know he loves me too.

The issue are his 2 brothers wives.They are evil and manipulative and always get away with whatever they do or say to anyone, but my husbnad never allows me to answer them back.

My husbnad's elder brother and his wife have once child and decided to send her our way for her education and had decided that she will live and reside in our home for the entire course of her study - 5 years!! They did not even think to ask my permission and clearly stated that because this is his brothers house, their daughter has a right to stay there. When I stood up to them and said no, she needs to go and live in halls of residences, they all started abusing me behind my back, told everyone I was evil and bad and even treated me like shit in my own home! They ignored me completely even though I had the decency to greet them, as per my husband's wishes.

Now, this duaghter of their's is in my home, I ignore her, don't cook for her, and don't even look her way. I have told her she is not welcome and she knows this, but continues to stay.

My husband refuses to let her leave, he says I need to back him up because his family will otherwise cut off from him and he cannot bear that. I agreed for my husband's sake to keep this girl in our till June, but now I am afraid my husband will want to keep her there for longer, and if he does, what do I do? Where do I stand in this?

This is completely unfair. Its as if his family - his brother and his brothers wife are more important thatn his own wife and kids!

I have a three bedroom house. My two sons are sleeping in one room because of this niece of his! It's just so unfair. The mother of this girl is rude and makes unwanted nasty comments on FB to me - even though she is not on my friend's list, but on my husband's FB, so therefore I can see her comments. But again, my husband does not say anything. He tells me 'let them say and do whatever, but you just ignore them, because karma will come back round', how can I wait and sit quiet for so long?

It's really eating me up inside.
They are destroying my marriage and my life with my husband. I gave my husband an ultimatum ages ago, but he said I need to stick by hus side and go with his decisions - even if this is killing me?

This niece of his is 20 years old for crying out loud! BUt she still depends on me to cook and feed her.
She listens in on every conversation my husband and I have, whether we argue or fight or whatever and is constantly on Skype telling her mother about what goes on in our home between us.

Has anyone got any suggestions on how to tackle this?

Please help, I would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar situation.

And once again, am so sorry to cut into your post.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 26, 2012 12:27 AM Go to message in response to: diya

Dear Diya,

"They are destroying my marriage and my life with my husband."

They are not doing anything.

Your husband is the one destroying your marriage and your life with him. He has chosen to follow his family's wishes and ignore those of his wife.

You have choices, one of which is to remove yourself and your children from this toxic situation.

My suggestion to you is to see a lawyer who specializes in family law. Make an appt with that person and discuss your options, knowning that your discussion with that lawyer is legally, professionally and ethically confidential.

You have bigger problems that can be answered on an internet message board.

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 26, 2012 8:58 AM Go to message in response to: diya

I agree with Aunt - it is your husband who is destroying your marriage, not your sister in laws. Your husband is letting them behave however they like, despite how you feel about it, and is unwilling to stand up for you. That is a problem.

I don't know if I would go straight to a family lawyer (legally, if you have agreed that she can live with you, then there's not much that a lawyer can do unless you're planning to get divorced). Instead, I would go to a joint counselor with your husband to talk about the fact that you need him to stand up for you and to take your wishes into account in this.

That all aside, one thing in your post rubbed me the wrong way. You said that you are completely ignoring the girl who is living with you, refusing to so much as look at her, and that you've told her she's not welcome in your house. The refusal to cook and clean I get, since she is an adult, but refusing to even look at her?? This is childish. It is not the daughter's fault that her parents have put you in this situation. It's not her fault that her parents appear to be selfish assholes. It is cruel for you to take it out on her, and it's only going to add fuel to the fire. Are you honestly surprised that she talks shit about you to her parents on Skype, given the way you treat her? Her lack of respect for you is a direct response to the way you're treating her. If you want her to respect you and your feelings and wishes, how about you show some common courtesy for her feelings? I'm willing to bet that being in the middle of you and her parents is not easy for her, and you're certainly not doing anything to ameliorate that. How would you feel if someone treated your child that way?

P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 26, 2012 2:52 PM Go to message in response to: MrsM2009

Dear Mrs M,

"I don't know if I would go straight to a family lawyer (legally, if you have agreed that she can live with you, then there's not much that a lawyer can do unless you're planning to get divorced)."

For the OP and anyone reading this, Mrs M is a lawyer, and I value her opinion.

Question: Even though she had given permission for the niece to live there, can she rescind that permission?

Do both co-owners of the house (husband and wife in this case) need to agree to the niece living there? Or can either one veto the arrangement?

That's one of the reasons I originally suggested she see a lawyer, to learn all her options, which might include eviction of the niece, legal separation, spousal support should she take her children and move to another residence while the niece is there, etc.

My own lawyer is the master of "What If" scenarios, many I had not even considered before meeting with him.

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 26, 2012 4:29 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Typically, co-owners of a property are viewed as a single entity. When the husband and wife are saying different things, you basically have a single two-headed monster contradicting itself. In that situation, a court's hands are basically tied. In the case of a legal tenancy, for example, one co-owner cannot evict without the other's consent (at least in NY - not sure of the law elsewhere). I'm not 100% sure of the rule for house guests, but I would suspect that there is not a whole lot that a court can do. Obviously if she's fed up enough to consider separation or divorce, talking to a lawyer to advise on things like spousal support, divorce, etc. is a must. It just doesn't sound to me like the OP is ready to escalate to legal options at this point.

Honestly, I think a counselor just makes more sense than a lawyer in this situation. This isn't really a legal issue, it's a family issue - a substantive disagreement between a man and wife about a house guest. Even if the OP could legally evict her niece if her husband wants him to stay, which is doubtful, I imagine that going down that road would effectively destroy both her marriage and her relationship with her in-laws. I just can't envision any scenario here where the OP walks in with a lawyer to enforce legal rights that doesn't end with a shattered marriage.

Assuming the OP truly wants her marriage to work, she and her husband need to get on the same page. He needs to consider and support her wishes instead of just giving in to his family. They need to figure out how to come to joint decisions on important issues and then stand as a collective unit in defending those positions to third parties. The place to work out that issue is with a counselor, not in an attorney's office. If counseling doesn't work, then a lawyer is the logical next step (most likely to talk divorce, since I think the legal rights with respect to the house guest are probably pretty limited). But I wouldn't turn this into a legal argument without first trying to work it with a therapist.

The other reason I suggested a therapist is because, although it's clear from the OP's post that her husband is not being a team player here, I also see quite a few red flags that make me wonder if the OP is totally blameless. The way she is treating the niece, as I mentioned in my last post, seems childish. She notes that she has a tendency to be overly sensitive and, from the way she is treating the niece I bet she also has a flair for being over-dramatic. I just have a very strong sense that the OP and her husband have some critical issues to work out that could benefit from the assistance of a trained therapist. Dragging a lawyer into the mix is going to escalate tension and isn't going to solve anything. If she talks to a lawyer and comes home and says "I have the legal right to evict, so get the F out," her husband is going to be resentful, and he's still going to be a sissy who can't stand up to his sisters.

P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Mar 26, 2012 5:09 PM Go to message in response to: MrsM2009

Dear Mrs M,

Excellent reasoning.

The message writer has some good food for thought.

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ElenaIuliana Posts : 21 Registered: 1/24/12
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Apr 13, 2012 6:37 AM Go to message in response to: maimerd

sometimes your sister in law isn't how you've wished her to be, but you're going to live the rest of your days with your husband and not with her!

wedding dresses

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diya Posts : 2 Registered: 3/25/12
Re: Sister-in-law issues.
Posted: Apr 17, 2012 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: ElenaIuliana

Hello all
Thanks for your comments and suggestions.
Since the time I wrote this message, things were ok, I went on holiday with hima ndf our kids to his country, all to be unwelcomed by his middle brother and his wife, they completely ignored us and only paid attention to the kids.
His elder brother and wife - the one who's daughter is with us, didn't bother greeting or meeting us at all.
Anyhow, I was still normal with everyone and put a rock on my heart and went with the flow.
My husband hasn't got the nerve to stand up to his family, or to say to them 'what is your problem', his own brother even refused to speak to him but my husband still respects and runs to him whenever he needs anything.

My husband's way of defending me is this - he would walk with me, hold my hand, show me affection in front of them but not verbally say anything.

The niece didn't go with us, we went as a family, but she refused to stay in our home alone, so she went and stayed at her friend's house for the period that we were away.

She was so happy there, she did not want to come home. It's not that I would completely ignore her, I would of course say hi and bye and if she spoke to me I would answer her, but I always kept it to a minimum, I would never get in to general chit chat cos then she'd think I would let her stay for the whole time.

Anyhow, the day we arrived, my husband rings up his niece and tells her to come ghome and begs her to come and says he's even willing to pick her up from wherever she is. I heard her on the other end and she says to him 'what, you want me to come now?'. and he's like 'yes of course honey, now come now'. I just cannot stand the way he talks to her, is so nice to her esp after the way her parents have treated not only me but him too. His middle brother is also upset at this situation and also refuses to speak to my husband and me because of this but my husband trys his utmost best to do whatever they wish.

So we had a n argument over the converstaion he had with his niece, I said to him look its either us or them and he blatantly said 'it's them', he told me to leave, I said no you better leave, so he packed his stuff and has been out for the past 3 days. It's our son's 4th birthday today and he hasn't called yet.

I have packed up the niece's stuff from her room and put them all is bin liners because nor is she no longer welcome.

Have I dont the right thing?
He hasn't called me either. I kow he loves us deeply and his kids, but then why choose them over us?

Thanks for all your messages and posts, very very much appreciated greatly.

Regards

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