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Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Oct 22, 2011 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

Dear IG,

I know it's difficult when you love someone. Truly I do. There comes a time, however, when you have to also love yourself.

"I don't even know what that means: "his time"? "

When he's good and ready. Could be next year, could be next decade. Could be twenty or thirty years. (And, yes, I know people like that*. Still "not ready" after thirty years.)

I'll ask you the same thing I asked you before. How long are you willing to wait? How long are you willing to put his time schedule ahead of your own?

It is not manipulative to say "OK, I understand you need more time. Great. Take as much time as you like. In the meantime, I'll be seeing other men and following my own star."

If he comes round to wanting to marry you while you're still single and available, then wonderful, hear him out, and decide what to do at that point in time.

If he comes round to wanting to marry you after you've been single for a while, met and married someone else, had kids, raised the kids, grown into comfortable middle age together and are looking forward to "empty nest" travel and financial freedom, then you can just say "Too late, buster".

I know you love him. Love yourself as well.

*Famous example of long-term non-marriage: Dick Van Dyke and Michelle Triola. Mr Van Dyke wrote about it in his autobiography. They were together over thirty years, but never "got around" to getting married. Then, she died.

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GraceKelly Posts : 15 Registered: 10/7/11
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Oct 25, 2011 10:21 AM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

While I do agree it's important to set a deadline, it's also important to realise which deadlines are realistic. You're 21, and doing a masters abroad. You're just starting your life! It's kind of a crazy time to add getting engaged and planning a wedding on top of that (even if you don't do it right away). Even if you have been together a long time, 21 is really young. I'd argue a little too young to get engaged even. Marriage isn't just a romantic thing, it's a legally binding life decision that involves the merging of assets and stuff like that. You need to think about tying the other things in your life together a bit more before you can think about tying the knot.

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cellabowi Posts : 6 Registered: 10/13/11
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Oct 25, 2011 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

I know some of other comments have told you to move on, or make a deadline. Yet, I think it's silly to leave someone because they won't sign a piece of paper. He is clearly committed to you and you are committed to him. You both seem to love each other, and plan on doing many things together, and that alone is actually really quite wonderful.
You know he does want to get married to you, and it's just matter timing. Yet, since you want to be engaged or have a bigger (?) commitment, why don't you ask him?
You could get him a ring, or watch, or nothing at all really, and just ask him to marry, and then figure out when you will both be ready to get married.
I ended up asking my fiancee, because in his mind we're already fully committed and don't need to be married. He didn't really see the point. So I asked him, and he said yes. He told me it didn't really make a difference whether or not we were "legally" together, but that he is happy to with me in any capacity. I'm sure that you're fiance feels the same way, he'll be happy to be with you no matter what.

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Oct 25, 2011 8:16 PM Go to message in response to: cellabowi

Dear Cella,

"Yet, I think it's silly to leave someone because they won't sign a piece of paper. "

It's not just a piece of paper.

"and just ask him to marry, and then figure out when you will both be ready to get married"

In this case, chances are the guy will say "You know I'm not ready yet for this step" and will leave her hanging in limbo for another year or two or three.

They've already done a heap-o-talking. They've discussed marriage, discussed her career and school issues, discussed timing, and he's still "not ready".

She's ready to fish or cut bait. He's obviously not. Time to move on with life.

"He told me it didn't really make a difference whether or not we were "legally" together"

I've said this many times, and it bears repeating. That "piece of paper" doesn't make a lot of difference in the beginning. After all, you are together with or without the piece of paper. You still love each other, you still want to live together.

That "piece of paper" makes a huge difference when the relationship or marriage ends.

Every marriage ends, eventually, either by divorce or death. Every living-together relationship ends, evenutally, either by breaking up or death.

Your status of married or not married at the point of the end of the relationship makes a huge difference. Just for starters, if a married couple split up, they have to settle up with each other and get a divorce completely finalized before either is free to marry another person. If a living-together couple break up, one partner can go and marry someone they met last week, and that new spouse would have infinitely more rights than would the ex-partner.

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happychloe Posts : 21 Registered: 8/11/11
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Oct 26, 2011 1:24 AM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

I mean you need be strong and let him know the you need marrige , and he should do what he need to !

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wzq103 Posts : 2,771 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

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PrettyProblem Posts : 1 Registered: 1/3/13
Re: Young and dating for 6 years...feeling hopeless
Posted: Jan 3, 2013 3:55 PM Go to message in response to: ItalianGirl89

Oh my dear, I'm in the same boat. I have been with my guy for six years in January, and I still don't have a ring. There's one major difference between your story and mine, however despite the studying abroad part, heh; there's a 7 year age gap between the two of us. He just turned 30 and I'm 23. We've been together since I was 16, throughout the rest of high school and a four year college. I thought it was pretty obvious that I'm committed to him. I have a 'promise' ring from him, but I'll admit I'm getting antsy as to why he hasn't proposed yet.

I completely understand how you're feeling, too. I know life isn't a movie, but sometimes it's nice to feel like it is, right? Marriage is a huge part of my life, but what's even bigger is having kids. I want to have my first child around 26-ish, so I feel like my clock is ticking, because I do not want to have kids before marriage. Not that it's bad if you do, I just don't feel like it's right for me. I feel like my timeclock is running down, and it really sucks. I read somewhere that sometimes getting engaged makes the man feel like he's "lost" some of his freedom, which is crud in my opinion. If you're with someone for that long, in a committed relationship, stop beating around the bush. I wish you the best of luck! Here's hoping our men 'get it' soon!

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