Second Wedding Dilemma

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jazzyb Posts : 3 Registered: 9/6/11
Second Wedding Dilemma
Posted: Sep 6, 2011 1:29 PM

My husband's brother/business partner recently left his family for his mistress. On several occasions, he used me to babysit his children, while expensing his "business travel" to our family company. I have clearly expressed my disappointment to them both, upon learning the truth.

My distraught sister-in-law contacted the mistress' former husband, and learned she was the 3rd wife to complain about her cheating!

My brother-in-law recently hosted a combination birthday/graduation party for some other family members and told my husband that he and the kids were welcome to attend, but that I should stay home, because the mistress does not feel comfortable around me. To my shock, my husband allowed his brother to disrespect me and attended the party with the kids. My husband later realized his mistake, and apologized profusely.

We recently received a very formal invitation to their 2-day destination wedding.

The outer envelope was computer printed and read:

Mr. John Smith and Family

There was nothing written on the inside envelope.

My 15 year-old-niece has begged my daughter to attend just to help her get through the day. Apparently she is not happy about the affair and having to wear a red dress of the bride's choosing.

My position is: The outer envelope should have read Mr. John and Mrs. Lily Smith OR Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. The inner envelope should have listed all of our names. Is this correct?

I am left to assume that I am not invited. This couple clearly has no qualms about separating family members. I have different family values. Although I truly feel for my niece, and do not wish to upset her, I refuse to have my family separated that way again.

What is the best response to this situation? Thanks!

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: Second Wedding Dilemma
Posted: Sep 6, 2011 2:20 PM Go to message in response to: jazzyb

There are several issues in play here. The first is the behavior of the adults in this situation. You are right the invite should have included you. Once again, the couple has disrespected you. In this case, if you did show up, you'd be crashing the party.

Now there is the other issue. There is a fifteen year old girl who is being forced to participate in a wedding she does not approve of. Quite frankly those who stand up in a wedding are supposed to support the wedding. It does not sound like the daughter can fulfill that obligation. But given all that she has been through, that is understandable. Unfortunately, at fifteen, the girl is not old enough to act upon her beliefs.

Now here comes the tough part. Supposing this was not a family member but rather one of your daughter's friends who was in the same situation and wanted your daughter's support during a difficult day? Would you let her go? I suspect the answer would be yes because friends help one another in the tough times. Here, your niece has asked for her close cousin to be there to support her. If you choose to let your daughter go, it will not to celebrate the wedding but rather to support her cousin. It would be no different if the cousin invited a friend from school. In the end, the choice is yours but try to think about more than just the people getting married.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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jazzyb Posts : 3 Registered: 9/6/11
Re: Second Wedding Dilemma
Posted: Sep 6, 2011 10:02 PM Go to message in response to: MagicalMomentsP...

Thanks MMP. We have been there for family in good times and bad our whole lives. We are fun, loving, reasonable, forgiving people. I just feel that if we allow this npd couple to continue to separate our family unit, the nonsense will continue forever. What? Are they going to banish me from Christmas, too? They both need to understand that we are a package deal. If they exclude one of us, they exclude all of us. The next reply describes our situation a little better. Thanks so much!!

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: Second Wedding Dilemma
Posted: Sep 9, 2011 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: jazzyb

Jazzy,

As I often tell photographers on the photographer's forums, you are the captain of your ship. Only you have all the details. When you come on the forum we only get an overview and not all the details which contribute to the situation. At the end of the day, you have to make a decision which you can live with.

I certainly understand your situation. My family has been a source of trouble for a long time. A couple of years ago, my brother got married for the second time. He just assumed I would take the photos at his wedding. He never asked nor was available to discuss the matter with me. I was tired of being taken advantage of, so I left my camera at home, 600 miles away. Not only did I hear about it from my brother but also my dad. The fact of the matter is that had he asked I would have said yes. But he never asked and just assumed I would bring the camera. Sometimes after years of dealing with a situation, you do have to put your foot down. Expect some hurt feelings and problems for a while. But in the end, you will be the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror each day.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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beachgal2004 Posts : 80 Registered: 2/6/07
Re: Second Wedding Dilemma
Posted: Sep 11, 2011 11:01 AM Go to message in response to: jazzyb

Yes you are correct it should of listed all of your names.

:) love ya

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