Need some advice!

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Alexa12 Posts : 4 Registered: 7/17/11
Need some advice!
Posted: Jul 17, 2011 8:59 PM

My fiance and I just got engaged last weekend and I immediately said yes when he asked me, but now I am a bit overwhelmed and worry that this may not be the right decision for me, and us. We are very much in love and we have been dating for more than three years, so all of our friends and family always asked when we were going to tie the knot. But I wonder whether I only said yes because it is what everyone expected me to do.

He surprised me with a ring which is beautiful, but something I never thought I wanted. It is beautiful, but I don't feel comfortable with people always asking me about this wedding that I am definitely not ready for. Just since Friday night when he proposed, women have been commenting on how lovely it is and asking me when we are setting the date. But when it came to my fiance, the same women were hitting on him because (when we weren't standing together) no one knew we were engaged. I feel like I have to act a specific way because I'm now wearing this engagement ring, but he can still act like a single man.

And as crazy as it may sound, every time I look down at my ring I cannot help but wonder "Is this what I'm worth?" I know that he saved and planned for months, but it makes me uneasy to think that not only will others judge me by it, but so did he.

How do other brides move past these feelings? I am the only one who feels this way?

Edited by: Alexa12 on Jul 17, 2011 10:43 PM

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Need some advice!
Posted: Jul 17, 2011 11:52 PM Go to message in response to: Alexa12

Dear Alexa,

You need to give yourself some time.

I have always wondered about the "traditional" system of marriage proposal. The man has all the time he needs to decide to ask a woman to marry him.

The woman is expected to say "Yes, Yes, Yes!!!" immediately. She is not given any time to think about it. Supposedly she thought about it already, decided she wanted to marry him, then sat around waiting for a proposal.

Hmmm...

Where do we have a place for the woman who wants to ease into the situation? Who wants some more time than 1 nanosecond to decide?

I am really uncomfortable with the idea that woman are hitting on your boyfriend because he's not wearing a "Sold" sign, and you are. I wonder what he was saying or doing to let these women think he might be open to getting hit on. That bothers me.

You have a lot of doubts and second thoughts. You have been dating the "right" amount of time, so naturally The Entire World is expecting an engagment. He came through, but what about you?

I would really like to know how old you are. 19? 45? Somewhere in between?

Here is my suggestion.

First, identify someone in your life that you trust and in whom you can confide. Ideally, this could be your mother or an older sister, but not everyone can trust and confide in their moms or sisters.

If not your mom or sister, what about your father, brothers? Grandparents? Anyone?

If you don't feel comfortable talking about this with family, perhaps you might seek a professional counselor, someone who is bound to keep your conversation confidential.

Next, once you have identified such a person, figure out how you can talk to that person in private. Spill your guts. Then, listen to what that person has to say.

During this process of discernment, take off the ring. You are uncomfortable wearing it, so don't wear it until you are ready to (1) 100% commit yourself to the engagement and marriage or (2) realize this is not the right thing for you.

I would be very interested in your boyfriend's reaction to your taking off the ring while you do some personal introspection. (After all, he had plenty of time to do his own personal introspection.)

Does he say "Hey, sweetie, do what you need to do and I'm here for you no matter what."

or

"You're not wearing the ring? What a rotten person you are."

First answer = good.
Second answer = also good because you now know your misgivings were not just your imagination.

I am 57 years old and have seen a lot of Life in my life. When I was engaged and getting married, I had a friend who was, then, getting a divorce. She had been married 2 years.

She had the "perfect" fiancÚ, the "perfect" engagement, the "perfect" wedding, the "perfect" honeymoon and the "perfect" job situation with both being accepted to the same graduate school, with financial aid.

Too bad that once they moved in together as husband and wife, they came to hate each other. (Once they got divorced, they became friends again! He actually gave her a really nice wedding present when she married the second time.)

Slow down, stop and think for a while. Get some help from someone who loves you or from someone professionally obliged to look out for your best interests.

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LJ2012 Posts : 19 Registered: 6/15/11
Re: Need some advice!
Posted: Jul 18, 2011 8:14 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I agree with Aunt. I think that she gave you some great advice. I think that you need to step back and take some time to figure out your feelings. And that is 100% the right thing to do! :)

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Need some advice!
Posted: Jul 19, 2011 12:18 AM Go to message in response to: Alexa12

I'm pretty confused by your post. First things first though, YOU need to decide if this is right for you, not anyone else, and don't go through with a marriage just because everyone else thinks you should.

If your not ready, but still want to be with him, then talk to him about what you want out of the relationship. Communication is one of the most important things in making any relationship last, and while this might be difficult to bring up, if you totally can't bring yourself to discuss this with him, then he's probably not right for you and your not right for him.

As for people asking about the wedding already, it's only natural. You can always tell them that you just got engaged and don't have any details planned out yet. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it, then change the subject right away. Most people should get the hint.

This is what's confusing to me. You said that the women who were asking you about your upcoming wedding were hitting on your FH, but didn't know you guys were engaged. How did they NOT know if they just talked to you about the engagemet/wedding? I saw another post of yours about guys hitting on you. Getting hit on is going to happen to people regardless of their relationship status, and it probably happens through-out the whole lives of some people. You can't control others actions, all you can do is control your own. When someone hits on you, you have 2 options. Decline and walk away, or take them up on the offer (I hope decline is your choice :) )One thing I have ALWAYS noticed, since like HS is that whenever people are in a relationship, that's when they find out about others who like them, or get hit on nonstop, but when people are single, it doesn't happen as much. I think it goes along with the theory that you can't find love when your looking for it. Or maybe it's just those disturbing homewreckers?

What you have said about your ring makes you sound very snobby and stuck up, TBH. If your really wondering if that's "what your worth" and you are afraid of getting judged by it, and you feel the ring is his "judgement" of you, then I really think you'd be doing the poor guy a favor by giving the ring back to him and ending the relationship. As for that feeling, I LOVE the ring that my DH gave me and never once felt I was getting judged by it, and if someone did judge me by it then let them, I wasn't taking a vow to love THEM forever! So sorry, can't really help you with how to deal with that feeling.

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Need some advice!
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 9:51 PM Go to message in response to: Alexa12

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