When is Enough, Enough?

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MaryMcGwen Posts : 19 Registered: 4/27/10
When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 2:02 PM

Advice needed... or perhaps just more of a vent.

My future in-laws live in a different state (about a 4 hour drive from where my fiance and I live) and they called my fiance a few days ago asking if we could potentially come home for a birthday for my fiance's grandfather (if they decide to have one in a month's time). I swear... my future MIL simply sets up my fiance so he's forced to say he is busy so that she can hate on him... very TWISTED personality she has.

Anyways... when he responds that he is busy that day with a work event... she begins to say.... "Well fine, if we don't see you... we won't be putting money into this wedding!". Out of no where, honestly this is her typical personality! My fiance cuts her off by saying that we've been engaged for 13 months... the entire wedding is planned and she has threatened the money issue for months, but NEVER offered a penny... nor will she ever. As a result, my parents are paying for the entire event. Then my fiance proceeds in saying... "You keep threatening to offer money and you haven't, so just forget it."

We've decided we don't want their "blood money" that is only good for threatening us. This is a joyous day and we want no negative talk regarding money or anything.

Then... my future MIL proceeds with, "fine, then we just won't come to your wedding." My fiance's response... "sounds good." Her response... you have no idea what I go through in my life (which mind you is NOTHING... the woman has issues!) My future MIL gets GREAT joy out of bringing her son and me down. She is beyond jealous of the life we have created and it doesn't stop with her... my future FIL and future SIL all back her and are just as crazy as she is.

My question to you is... when is enough, enough? We're sick of discussing anything wedding with them... they have never ONCE asked about wedding plans in the 13 months, just when they bring up the money in order to try to get us to do something they want (i.e. come home for something, stay longer on Christmas, etc.)

Any suggestions? I know we'll never not invite them to the wedding... but gosh they are draining!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: MaryMcGwen

MMG-

Well first of all, at least you are not depending on their money and therefore don't have to do anything they want.

It's unfortunate that your FMIL is like that - but you are fortunate that your FH has her number.

I can't imagine what it's like for him to constantly be caught up in this crap, which might be an incentive to NOT LIVE any closer to them! :-)

But seriously, all you can do is make your plans and ignore them.

If they choose to not come to the wedding - that's their choice. They are ADULTS whether their actions elude to that or not - and they are responsible for their decisions.

As for not inviting them - that would have to be your FH's decision. IMHO, I would invite them so it's never an issue and let them hang themselves with their own rope.

Just try to be as supportive as possible for your FH and don't get in the middle of it.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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MaryMcGwen Posts : 19 Registered: 4/27/10
Re: When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 2:39 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Thanks so much for the advice!

1. Yes, we are incredibly grateful we don't need to count on them for the wedding in the slightest. My parents are very generous and even against my personal advice/opinion... they are even wanting to include my future inlaws' names on the invites. Ick! Makes me sick!

2. No, I'd never not invite them. Just as you said, I'd rather allow them to make the call whether or not to attend as it will never be a reflection on us.

3. I'm trying to be supportive of him and I am. It is just always one thing or another with his family. Soooo draining! I'm curious as to whether or not we ever do say more... threaten more? Etc.

Side note: they are the type of people that when someone would say at the wedding... "wow, this is lovely"... they will respond with "you're welcome, we're happy to have done this" and never have contributed a penny. They are fine financially but think and have more or less said... my parents should be able to handle it. While my parents are sticking in a good amount of money (100,000) that isn't the point. They are just not good people to even think like that or hang things over our heads on this special day.

Additional side note: they are also incredibly demanding for not contributing a penny. We asked them to make a guest list and they came back with 150 people (inviting every person at their place of employment... that they don't even know well). When we told them we had to cut it off at 120 of their guests to be fair to my parents and our personal guest list.... they pissed and moaned and threatened not to attend!

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 3:09 PM Go to message in response to: MaryMcGwen

MMG - As far as do you ever do more - that's going to be your FH's call with your input on your end, of course. But his parents - he deals with them.

And yes it's draining and emotionally wearing.

Again - don't ever move closer to them! I'm serious.

And while it's hard - you just have to do the private thought vs public expression practice that Aunt always talks about. Smile, nod, make appropriate polite noises while around them. Meanwhile you can think whatever you want.

But obviously it's up to you and your FH to be the responsible adults you both are (your FH even more so, no thanks to his parents) and handle it in such a way that as you said nothing reflects poorly on you.

When others act the ass while you maintain your dignity, trust me that you get to hold your head high and they will get a comeuppance.

Some other advice - I think ground rules going in now are also good with your FH and you. If either of you gets a call from either sets of parents expecting to come visit for whatever - you both discuss it before committing, i.e. no saying yes while still on the phone. Obviously he knew he had to work so saying 'No' this time was easy.

That way you both are consulted and know what is going on. Just a suggestion (and you may already be doing this, I don't know).

I can just see this getting worse if you guys plan on having kids, so getting those ground rules in early will help with some structure going further into the relationship.

 

 

 

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Apr 6, 2011 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: MaryMcGwen

Dear Mary,

What would I do if I were in your shoes?

I'D GIVE THANKS TO MY MAKER THAT FH HAS A BACKBONE AND CAN STAND UP TO HIS CONTROLLING PARENTS.

Seriously. It sounds like you have a great guy who managed to rise above rotten parents.

Here is my suggestion. I have found it is best, in a marriage, for each to deal with their own family especially when the issue is unpleasant. Discuss the in-laws situation with FH and take his lead. Come to an agreement as to what you will say and do, then stick to your side of the bargain without fail. He needs to know that you have his back 100%.

After that, let it go. They are a bunch of jerks. They will always be a bunch of jerks. You will go through life with a bunch of jerks for in-laws. That is now part of your reality.

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Re: When is Enough, Enough?
Posted: Sep 14, 2012 1:46 AM Go to message in response to: MaryMcGwen

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Re: When is Enough, Enough?
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